so i lied to stake pres and had a slight porn relapse....

[kayne]

well im not entirely sure why im going to post this other than to get it off my chest. also i forwarn you it will be a tad bit long though i will try to summarize parts so shorten the length. i also dont know where the asking for advice part is going to come in exactly but this seems like the best place to post this.

ok to put it bluntly at the stroke of midnight i was going to go on a regular bike riding full time mission. i finnally cleaned up my act and got it done. however a few concerns arised in that interview. one is at the time i was almost 26 which is kind of old for that and there was some concern about people my age and what ive been through are probably kind of stuck in their ways and i might be in a situation where the 19 year old is in charge. secondly my rotten back and thirdly i have insomnia like no other. i think redefine the meaning of sleeping problems.

anyway i left that meeting the stake pres. wanted me to try living the missionary lifestyle for 2 weeks and come back and see him. i protested as i got back home cause at the time i was out on workers comp with a bad right arm so literally this was going to be one freakin boring 2 weeks. that said somehow i stumbled onto church service missions. and at this time i was set to go through the temple to get endowed so i decided i'd pray about it in the temple granted i had no idea how this was going to work but thats what i decided to fast and pray on it that day. anyway the answer was basically go for a church service mission as your problems or roadblocks arent going to be taken care of. so i accepted that and embarked on a journey to do so.

within in a month i moved to utah(more mission options) enrolled in college after a 4 year break and moved 2192 miles away from home.

now we are a year later and this mission is finnally going to start. dont ask i cant explain how this took a year to start its really annoying.

but one of my final great problems i overcame before going through the temple was the wonderful thing known as porn yippee. now sometime between now and then im guessing a few months after i moved to utah i used itunes to sort the music on my harddrive. when i recovered from porn i deleted 40 GB's or so of it off my harddrive. however while itunes scanned my unorganized music it found some hidden folders of porn and made a new folder under its cant add to itunes section.

now im not sure the entire reason for why i didnt deal with it then and search my computer and delete it then im not entirely sure. perhaps it was emotion involved in this drug. perhaps there was a sick deep down your old friend is back and i couldnt deal with it right then. and to add to that it didnt help when i moved out here all my roommates treated me like a rotten horrible scumbag though i do not blame. Satan has sought my life several thousand times and unable to break through garments i guess using new roommates to torment me was the next best thing.

well whatever the case i procrastinated destroying this porn folder.

finnally this past june i cracked and gave in. of course the timing was bad since i was going to be going home soon for summer for a little while and some of that time was to do my dead granddads temple work. of course i had myself in a corner and didnt want to ruin the trip. though it was about 6 or 7 weeks between then and the relapse. of course through my intial porn recovery im not really attracted to anymore it was just it was there and i never took care of the problem and i have learned unless you rid it from your house as my mom has said so many times unless you rid evil from your house there is always a breeding ground for it so in essence as long it was there there was a direct breeding ground for it.

now it was that end of that semester and other things that i didnt deal with the problem then again. but i went home had a great time came back only to now have to deal with it.

this time though i wanted to deal a complete search of the computer 2 or 3 times to be sure. this required looking for the files and opening them and seeing the file names and actively ya know viewing some of it to make sure i found the right files. since one time i deleted it using my computer savyness i retrieved so all the files were labeled like 000046476 or other random numbers. well over the course of doing this finnally after 2 or 3 days i relapsed then though not out of a craving per say but more of having to deal with it directly constantly.

well the time came today and i relapsed yesterday but the time came today to see the stake president. now i did pray on the matter and while i know The Lord isnt happy i lied and i know ill catch hell for it im sure but i guess Free will takes priority as He is letting it slide. though the stake pres im fairly certain was getting some divine guidance as he asked have you had any trouble with porn? any sins need to be resolved? any trouble with porn recently? he phrased it like 5 different ways. while all the others were word of wisdom? tithing? attend meetings? one time questions. so yes im sure ill catch hell for this. of the minute interview when he started asking questions 45 seconds of it was are you having trouble with porn. i suppose whats another 100 Satan visits in my sleep. horrible logic i know but who else had Satan tried to seduce me in my sleep and by this i mean lie next to me and attempt to fool me into thinking it was a girl lieing next to me and make love.

though i did yesterday delete all of it even reformated my harddrive so as to completely destroy it.

part of the problem is im bored as anything all day out here in utah. i feel like people give me the silent stiff arm cause im not a molly mormon(oh noez im not a return missionary and *gasp* ive seen Rated R movies) or i just find people that want to smoke and drink all day. so i cant say ive found friends out here. the few girls ive shown interest in i swear hanging out means marriage so i get shut down instantly. so this has led to some incrediably downright boring days with entirely too much time spent on the xbox and i was hoping this mission would of started last year but of course now im backed into the corner i just put myself into wondering how exactly i got to this spot. granted it is my fault entirely but still you know what i mean.

though i am fairly certain this relapse was a result of for some unknown reason not deleting that mystery folder on site so it wont happen again. i suppose i just needed to vent this somewhere.

this isnt a question of testimony or anything of the sorts. and for those curious ill just quote my patriarchal blessing on this bit "the Adversary has a very strong desire for you"...theres like a whole paragraph on this dude in my blessing. granted at age 16 when i got it i didnt know when i turned 23 Satan would constantly try and kill me in my sleep but i do understand that paragraph a lot more now. i say this just cause i am sure some are curious about what i posted in above paragraphs. by contrast i apparently have the gift of visions so i am naturally when not influenced by him highly spirtural and prone to the Holy Ghost promptings and speakings so i suppose this particular gift has something to do with Satans never ending quest to devour my soul which has certainly made overcoming problems harder than most people have to deal with. not that im bitter or mad at that im not just saying my situation is more unique than most.

i suppose i just needed someone to vent this too. and annouymous on the internet seems to be the best way.

watch my luck this stake president is trolling the boards lol.

[FunkyTown]

A suggestion:

Your post was kind of all over the place. It talked about being bored, having a pornography relapse, being alone in Utah because no one wants to be your friend, etc.

All those are tricky things. Have you considered that maybe it's time to work exclusively on you? If you aren't working, take classes and better yourself. Find work in an office, or doing retail, or literally anything that keeps you from being home and bored. If you're having trouble sleeping(We've all been there. It's hard and causes you to run the gamut of emotions), then find out why.

[kayne]

A suggestion:

Your post was kind of all over the place. It talked about being bored, having a pornography relapse, being alone in Utah because no one wants to be your friend, etc.

All those are tricky things. Have you considered that maybe it's time to work exclusively on you? If you aren't working, take classes and better yourself. Find work in an office, or doing retail, or literally anything that keeps you from being home and bored. If you're having trouble sleeping(We've all been there. It's hard and causes you to run the gamut of emotions), then find out why.

well i never found a job cause i was going to do that church service mission but that took over a year to start and i kept expecting it to start which resulted in a lot of free time boredom and now if that did start i cant do school,job,mission i think i might go insane.

ya i did a lot of me work before i came out here im having to reinvest in that me work again as it seems it fell apart between now and then.

as far as sleeping ive had that problem since i was 5. i dont expect it to neccessarly change....but if the rest of me is out of whack it doesnt help. i do know how to function on no sleep honestly i wish i could figure out what causes it.

yes i apologize it was all over the map partly i was venting.

[FunkyTown]

That's perfect! You should find a job now and, when you get your church service mission, you can leave it. Even if you are only working for 3 months, it'll be a good way to meet people and get out of your house.

Seriously - If you've had no job for over a year, a lot of girls will run away. This isn't because they're shallow and want someone with a ton of money. They want someone who can take them out, who will have interesting things to discuss with them and who(Eventually) will be a good provider(If they're looking for someone to marry). It's important.

[MsMagnolia]

I hear the "I'm bored" thing all the time from the kids I teach... I believe boredom is a choice. there are tons of things to do that can help you not "be bored" go for a walk, go to the library, read, go swimming, start a project that will take a while, volunteer at a hospital, do service. The list can go on and on. I am sorry if I am being blunt but go out and find something to do rather than sit in front of your computer and "be bored". I wish you luck on your mission and hope that everything works out for you.

Oh and one more thing, go back and tell your stake pres what you expressed here. If you feel guilty there is a reason for it.

Just my thoughts,

Mags

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

I was once told that "idle hands are the devils playground." ..if you aren't going to work, do something anything to keep busy. If you relapsed, you might consider the Addiction Recovery Program through the Church. I'm no "molly" Mormon either and I find that when I'm idle is when I'm tempted. It's a hard thing addiction. I have found that working on myself doing the key things helps the most. Scripture reading, prayer, Church (Sacrament), and service help the most. I'm unemployed and disabled so for me I have started a business that I am running. It keeps me very busy. Good luck!

[Spartan117]

Questions and Answers - Liahona Apr.?May 1985 - liahona

In The Miracle of Forgiveness, President Kimball has given us clear guidelines to help us in this decision: “The transgressor must have a ‘broken heart and a contrite spirit’ and be willing to humble himself and do all that is required. The confession of his major sins to a proper Church authority is one of those requirements made by the Lord. These sins include adultery, fornication, other sexual transgressions, and other sins of comparable seriousness” (p. 179).

D&C 59:12

“But remember that on this, the Lord’s day, thou shalt offer thine oblations and thy sacraments unto the Most High, confessing thy sins unto thy brethren, and before the Lord”

[kayne]

well an update i suppose. while i at first mocked the idea of self improvement first suggested i decided it was time to give that another go.

it started with deleting the left over porn but reformatting the harddrive as to completely destroy it since im computer savy enough and have in the past recovered deleted files.

i started reading the scriptures twice a day but decided to set it to be more realistic and rather once a day. for one i can be a slow reader. secondly i tend to get up in a rush and often times if there is something to do that day i dont wake up with enough time to read and i tend to take a few minutes unless i absolutely must but otherwise take a little bit to fully wake up. i also think this is a far more reasonable and obtainable goal. especially now that school started today.

im attempting to be more social than my first year out here. trying to attend FHE regularly. were doing basketball during the week now. going to see about the regular sunday ward prayers. granted these might seem like small steps to most but to a relatively shy and anti social person like myself just attending these 3 things regularly certainly help fill the void more than you might think. oh yes and attending an institute class for the first time taking president Monson up on his words to attend institute regularly.

trying to see if i can take 5 classes and not die in the process

ill be doing one last pre mission interview and then that will start so i can do that in the mornings.

hopefully between all this ill kill the boredom. socialize more, study the scriptures more and finnally break this old self of mine completely.

i admit my first year here sort of failed. so im really going to try and change that this year. granted many things like being kind of shy and anti social and laid back wont ever completely change. but im going to make an effort to at least fill my time better and try and manage it better. and at least do daily scripture study + that mission and concentrate heavily on my relationship with The Lord to fully ground myself.

one particular thing im trying to apply is somewhere in alma i read it says something like. lay down unto The Lord as you sleep, Ask him to watch over you as you sleep and wake up full of Thanks to God and do this and youll be lifted up at the last the day. so im really trying to make it simple and apply that to my life and asking for those three things each night. also asking for help to be a little more out going and social too and be able to handle everything including school espcially need to raise that GPA a bit.

so these are my new goals.

i suppose i need one last self improvement project. well that i wont need to ever improve anymore but one last epic self improvement project and hopefully from then on ill learn to do maintence and not have to keep learning the hardway and hopefully future self improvement projects will be of the better variety not the quit drugs and porn variety.

i suppose one way of looking at that is i cleaned the car up nicely and got it running smoothly but i crashed and burned because i hadnt been cleaning it, changing the oil, ignoring the engine light. the car is still good but this time i intend to keep all the parts running smooth.

[Laureltree]

Ok...I'm not gonna sugar coat this, because I just delt with this awhile back with my teen....Talk to the stake pres, get it taken care of....And STOP making excuses for yourself.... Your asking WHY ? Once you have an addiction its not easily gotten rid of, you dont wanna keep making light of it and then go on a mission....get married , have kids and find its progressed through the years....Do yourself & your future wife a favor....Get help, get it taken care of....Serve a mission with honor, then marry the girl of your dreams with the knowledge you can keep the sacred covients you both have made, and you can stay faith to her....

Im saying this because I work with people allot that have addictions to porn, it has destroyed there lives, there families and there self esteem....YOU are worth more than that.....SEE.....The stake pres.....:)

[skalenfehl]

I have found that in life, people who are bored simply want to be entertained. When I was a boy, if I ever said I was bored it was because my favorite tv shows were not airing or my friends couldn't play. My dad made sure I had something to do if I ever claimed to be bored.

[NoGreaterLove]

First of all, no one is perfect. We all have something we are working on. Second of all, do not dwell on your failures, dwell on your accomplishments. The more you think about your failures, the more you concentrate on overcoming them, the more you give Satan a chance to tempt you. The more you concentrate on positive, wholesome activities, the less he can tempt you.

As far as the mission. Maybe it needs to be on the back burner for a while. You sound like you are not ready for that right now. Contrary to popular opinion, you can receive exaltation and eternal life even if you do not go on a mission. And just to put it bluntly, some are just not ready for it yet.