What do I tell the bishop about my ex husband

[beckyjean]

Hi,

I was married for 27 years and have now been divorced for only a few months and my ex is already engaged to someone else. I don't really have a problem with that except they have asked me to give them clearance to get sealed. We did not have current temple recommends when we got divorced and now he has his all of the sudden. He has had pornography problems on and off throughout our marriage and I am wondering if he talked to the bishop about this since he got his recommend so fast. Another issue with this is that he is best friends with the bishop that gave him a recommend. Is it my business to say something to his new bishop who is asking me to approve the sealing, or do I leave it alone and let him deal with the consequences on judgement day?

Another question. I am not so sure I want to stay sealed to him anymore if I find another man he treats me better than he ever did. How does breaking that past sealing and being sealed to a different man affect my children's sealing to us (they were born under the covenant).

Thank you

[Guest gopecon]

For your first question I would leave the issue alone. It could end up with you just looking spiteful. If he lied to the bishop to get his recommend he will have to answer for that. If you were asked to sustain him for a calling that might be a different issue, but this is between him, the bishop, and the Lord.

2nd question - you are being asked to approve the sealing, but your sealing to him will still exist. If you find someone that you want to go to the temple with, you can seek a cancellation at that time.

[Gwen]

First you don't get to give clearance, just a letter to the first presidency who makes that decision. So take that weight off your shoulders.

Second, say whatever you need to in the letter to the first presidency. I would bring it up. Not to try and hurt his "chances" of getting resealed but becuause it would really bother me. If he's lying to god then he's probably lying to the other woman. The reason they ask for the letter is for a checks and balance. To give you the chance to make peace with it, have your "say" and for them to know of any unresolved issues in the marriage. They specifically ask about adultry (a few months? was that a factor?). So yes, I would put it in the letter. Not in spite or to say "I desire to interfear with the request" kind of way. I would just say you are concerned about the future of his spouse to be (is there concern for you children with him doing such a "quick turn around"? if so I would focus more on that), make it an FYI. That you were not worthy before the divorce, he had porn issues, the bishop who gave the recommend is a best friend... etc. I would end it with if the first presidency decides he is worthy and grants this sealing that you have no objections etc.

If you find someone new you can have the sealing broken and be re-sealed to another. It will not break your sealing to your children. They were BIC and always will be. You have a covenant to/with them and always will. If you break one strand in a spider web the rest doesn't have to fall apart. The sealing ordinance is a spider web not a chain.

I touched on a potential issue for your kids. I don't know how old they are so it may not be an issue at all but I would be worried about how this quick change effects them. In many states after a divorce in the paperwork it will say you can not get remarried, except to each other, for 1 yr after the divorce is final. If that is true for yours he can't apply for a sealing anyway. You have to wait until everything is cleared legally and both parties are worthy to go to the temple before you apply for the clearance.

[prophetofdoom]

I agree with Gwen. Write down what you feel in the letter to the First Presidency. Tell them you were married for 27 years and talk about the issues you had. You can write it in an objective way without sounding vindictive. Just be honest, that is the best policy.

Also, we cannot judge whether someone is worthy for a temple recommend. Ultimately, the individual asking for the temple recommend is declaring themselves worthy to enter the Lord's house. People can lie to obtain a temple recommend and they will receive condemnation upon their heads and not be at peace with that choice.

Edited August 24, 2011 by prophetofdoom

[normaje]

I am so sorry about your divorce, and your ex-husbands actions since. I would be very hurt if I were in the same situation. I don't think anything will come of you talking with the bishop but if you feel the need to do so it would at least take some burden from you. I agree when you find a potential future husband to see about the cancelling of your ended marriage. Good luck. ((HUGS))

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I breaks my heart to see divorce. I know a few women in your situation and it cannot be easy. You are not alone and the Lord still loves you and watches over you, now more than ever.

I would also suggest you bring it up his past issues as well. Tell what you know or witnessed, don't speculate on what he might have been doing, just report the facts. If he did seem to get things going fast then the preisthood authorities need to know. If he already told them and they are letting him go though with it then the decision is on them, if not, they need to know to make that decision.

[jayanna]

It is true, he cannot get sealed until 1 yr after the divorce.

As for his recommend, that's not your beeswax

Don't worry about the letter until the time comes (when the church authorities ask for it)

Don't 'warn' anybody unless they ask you

Your kids are sealed to you, but you have to maintain your temple worthiness...sealings only work in the celestial kingdom, which is the highest kingdom.

Work on getting your temple recommend, work on the gospel in your home, with your kids

[Backroads]

All has been said, but I do want to emphasize that you have every right to mention his pornography in your letter to the first presidency when the time comes for it. As has been said, don't be "tattle telling", just say the issues. The First Presidency does want him to be worthy to be sealed to another woman. If he has dealt with his pornography, this won't make a difference; but you do seem to be worried if he lied. If so, this will bring up a few more questions. Either way, just be honest, don't be overly mean, and don't worry about it. If he is worthy, a timely letter will be a blessing to him and his fiance and doesn't cost you anything.