On the verge of a divorce.

[imdonel8r]

I go to therapy with a psychologist , long story short , I started going because I took the MMPI-2 test which is a personality test , to prove that I did not have any mental illness. But its a fairly common test. But anyway i stayed on for therapy sessions . i finally got my H to come to one and it helped a little but we have another one scheduled this week.

Anytime my husband and I have a conversation about anything he writes me off, usually by saying something along the lines of oh " your just being negative" instead of actually listening to whats being said. Or if I say " I'm not comfortable with XYZ ". He would say " If you don't like it leave. We can get a divorce. get out of my house." Over the smallest things.

But to me all these small things are adding up. I don't feel he is upholding his ' marriage responsibilities " and lets people walk all over us. Anytime I bring up something I almost feel like he uses the "I don't care " and stuff will just fall into place on there own attitude . He seems like he also uses " what options least effect me at the moment attitude". He is also doing ultimatums for instance, I am a stay at home step mom so I wanted to get a treadmill off CL for $50 so I could exercise while SS napped. I was talking to DH about it and he said that was fine. So I would show DH ads for treadmills I found. Well about 2 months and still no treadmill. I needed more clothing so I asked H for cash and he like "Here's $50 you can buy cloths, your treadmill, or whatever you want." I was like " But you already said I could get a treadmill." Then he was like " Well you can only have the treadmill or cloths. " That's just one example.

I know some might think its petty stuff . But there's so much more . But I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me when we go to the therapy session?

Little back information. My H was baptized 10 years ago and I was baptized a year ago. My husband refuses to do prayer or FHE no matter how much anyone talks to him about it . I mean he walks out of the room when I do it with my SS. I don't know what else to do . We had a meeting ( about tithing settlement) with the Bishop and I brought up the divorce issue and basically the bishop didn't say much. My husband has a calling in boy scouts with the bishop. So I am not sure if he was just surprised to her about this or what not. We have a home teacher but he hasn't been here in probably 10 months and I don't have a visiting teacher.

Well Thanks in Advance.

[annewandering]

So you liked going to therapy? I am a little confused on that. Where you unhappy before? I know a couple who started going to a marriage counselor mostly to support the ward members new business. They ended up divorced. He dumped his long time government job, got a fishing boat, new gf and sailed to Alaska. She got the one daughter, half the house and a roomer that she ended up in bed with and was excommunicated.

Sometimes its just a case of borrowing trouble which is why I am a little confused about your reasons for going to therapy.

Your husband sounds like he is a bit controlling and you let him. Maybe that works for you? Or has in the past? Now you are changing the rules? Not that I wouldn't.

Does he attend these sessions with you? He pays for the sessions but not for new clothes? Are you having money problems? Who isnt?!! Maybe that is why he is not willing to spend more money?

Personally I would never let any man tell me I can not buy something. Discuss it with me and we can reach an agreement but to say no? Thats rather overbearing. But that is me not you.

[imdonel8r]

So you liked going to therapy?

No not really. What happen was my MIL went around trying to tell people that I was Bipolar and OCPD . Well I took the test and it came back negative . It actually said I have no mental illness at all. The reason I took the test is because with court for SS ( stepson) we didn't want it to come up later and then have to take the test and hold up court or anything just incase SS mom brought it up.

[imdonel8r]

Sometimes its just a case of borrowing trouble which is why I am a little confused about your reasons for going to therapy.

Well I started going so I could take the test .

Your husband sounds like he is a bit controlling and you let him. Maybe that works for you? Or has in the past? Now you are changing the rules? Not that I wouldn't.

No it doesn't work for me , never has. When we first got together he wasn't like this. Then we got married and then its like a switch was pushed. The more I am around my ILs I see that kind of relationship with their marriage. /I]

Does he attend these sessions with you? He has gone to one session and one more coming up He pays for the sessions but not for new clothes? With our insurance you get 3 "free" sessions . But the next one coming up yes we are paying a small fee for.

Are you having money problems? Nope not at all. H actually just got a better job and is making ALOT more than he was. Who isnt?!! Maybe that is why he is not willing to spend more money?

Personally I would never let any man tell me I can not buy something. Discuss it with me and we can reach an agreement but to say no? Thats rather overbearing. I agree . Thats why we are on the verge of a divorce But that is me not you.

Thanks for your comments :)

[annewandering]

So its more a case of he changed after marriage then. Does he discuss this at all with you? Sounds like he needs to be aware he is following in a family trait that is not acceptable.

You are a smart lady to get on the offense with the husbands ex as far as mental health issues. Very nice you came back 'clean' on it too! Did your husband take the test as well?

[imdonel8r]

So its more a case of he changed after marriage then. Does he discuss this at all with you? Sounds like he needs to be aware he is following in a family trait that is not acceptable. I have talk to him about it but he just brushes me off

You are a smart lady to get on the offense with the husbands ex as far as mental health issues. Very nice you came back 'clean' on it too! Did your husband take the test as well? No he did not but he was discussing the other day to have him and the ex take it too

I almost feel like he is using me as a 'free babysitter' .

[annewandering]

I almost feel like he is using me as a 'free babysitter' .

Lovely. Obviously he either has communication issues or is a dimwit. Lets hope its the first. I should be nicer about it but that would be worse than annoying to me.

[prettyrose]

I go to therapy with a psychologist , long story short , I started going because I took the MMPI-2 test which is a personality test , to prove that I did not have any mental illness. But its a fairly common test. But anyway i stayed on for therapy sessions . i finally got my H to come to one and it helped a little but we have another one scheduled this week.

Anytime my husband and I have a conversation about anything he writes me off, usually by saying something along the lines of oh " your just being negative" instead of actually listening to whats being said. Or if I say " I'm not comfortable with XYZ ". He would say " If you don't like it leave. We can get a divorce. get out of my house." Over the smallest things.

But to me all these small things are adding up. I don't feel he is upholding his ' marriage responsibilities " and lets people walk all over us. Anytime I bring up something I almost feel like he uses the "I don't care " and stuff will just fall into place on there own attitude . He seems like he also uses " what options least effect me at the moment attitude". He is also doing ultimatums for instance, I am a stay at home step mom so I wanted to get a treadmill off CL for $50 so I could exercise while SS napped. I was talking to DH about it and he said that was fine. So I would show DH ads for treadmills I found. Well about 2 months and still no treadmill. I needed more clothing so I asked H for cash and he like "Here's $50 you can buy cloths, your treadmill, or whatever you want." I was like " But you already said I could get a treadmill." Then he was like " Well you can only have the treadmill or cloths. " That's just one example.

I know some might think its petty stuff . But there's so much more . But I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me when we go to the therapy session?

Little back information. My H was baptized 10 years ago and I was baptized a year ago. My husband refuses to do prayer or FHE no matter how much anyone talks to him about it . I mean he walks out of the room when I do it with my SS. I don't know what else to do . We had a meeting ( about tithing settlement) with the Bishop and I brought up the divorce issue and basically the bishop didn't say much. My husband has a calling in boy scouts with the bishop. So I am not sure if he was just surprised to her about this or what not. We have a home teacher but he hasn't been here in probably 10 months and I don't have a visiting teacher.

Well Thanks in Advance.

Either I'm really stupid or I read too fast. I read your post several times and it still came across a tad confusing.

Keep going to therapy sessions. Does your husband think you have mental issues as well or just the family?

Unless I misunderstood something the money issue is either being responsible adults by spending your money wisely to meet ends each month or he is being controlling.

Have you tried to invite maybe his best friend/family over to do prayer or home evening with everyone? He might join in then which might help him get back into the swing of things.

You can solve the visiting teacher issue by simply talking to someone about it.

I see that your husband is using the "my way" or the "highway" approach to dealing with you. He needs to treat you like an adult. Adults learn to communicate with each other. Right now he is simply dismissing your feelings or opinions over every little thing but honey it doesn't really justify a divorce. You guys are just going through a rocky road right now but divorce is a extreme decision to a small issue.

[imdonel8r]

Either I'm really stupid or I read too fast. I read your post several times and it still came across a tad confusing.

Keep going to therapy sessions. Does your husband think you have mental issues as well or just the family?

Short story . Is my MIL went around trying to tell people she thought I was Bipolar and OCPD. My FIL went online and printed an article and highlight things that they thought fit what they thought was wrong with me . Even though they barely know me . So my H looked at these and said ( to himself) okay maybe she could have somethings and then he waited till the results came back

Unless I misunderstood something the money issue is either being responsible adults by spending your money wisely to meet ends each month or he is being controlling.

My H makes good money he just got a new job this year making ALOT more than he use to .

Have you tried to invite maybe his best friend/family over to do prayer or home evening with everyone? He might join in then which might help him get back into the swing of things.

His family is totally against practicing any sort of religion . So thats not really an option. I have talked to friends of ours at church about doing maybe a few big FHE activates. Were just waiting till after the holidays. We have had members " challenge : him to do FHE and prayer and he just doesn't

You can solve the visiting teacher issue by simply talking to someone about it.

I am actually the VT supervisor :) Theres alot of people in our ward who do not have VTs. There trying to work out some new system or at least thats what there telling us.

I see that your husband is using the "my way" or the "highway" approach to dealing with you. He needs to treat you like an adult. Adults learn to communicate with each other. Right now he is simply dismissing your feelings or opinions over every little thing but honey it doesn't really justify a divorce. You guys are just going through a rocky road right now but divorce is a extreme decision to a small issue.

Well I am not the one who "wants the divorce" . He is kind of forcing the issue with the my way or highway deal.

[imdonel8r]

Sorry its kind of hard to fit in everything . So it gets kind of confusing.

[zippy_do46]

I am reading "His" not "ours" in your thread. That might be part of your problem.

[JudoMinja]

Zippy pointed out exactly what I'm seeing. Though you are married, you are still divided. It doesn't sound like you are making marriage decisions together at all.

First off- you said money is not a problem because he makes plenty... but who handles the finances? Do you manage your money together and make financial decisions together? Money problems doesn't always mean you are hard up for money. It can simply mean that the way the money is being handled is not being done so well. Do you guys have a budget? Where does the money go? What does it get spent on? Do you have debts?

You don't have to provide any detailed answers to those questions here, but those are questions you should be asking yourself concerning this issue about him giving you fifty dollars for a treadmill OR clothes. The two of you should be able to sit down together and go over your budget. Any money coming in belongs to both of you- not just him, and decisions about how to spend the money should be made together. If he can't handle sharing that responsibility with you- unless you have agreed to let him control and handle all money issues, then he is doing something considered "financial abuse".

As far as the whole bipolar disorder thing goes- It sounds like he and his parents are trying to blame any marital problems or disagreements on a mental illness. They don't want to work with you and deal with reality, so this divide is being created that is preventing you from working together. Your husband should be cleaving unto you, not siding against you and trying to push your complaints away on a mental illness. That is another form of control- trying to make you feel like the problems are all your fault or that they don't really exist because you're just "crazy". It minimizes your feelings and makes it so that he doesn't have to deal with the real problems. It is good that you took the test and it came back normal, because now he can't use that as an excuse. And you now know- you are NOT crazy, and you have an equal say in your marriage.

Just from what you've described, I don't think divorce needs to be in consideration just yet. Your husband seems willing to at least speak with a therapist and figure out what is wrong- though it sounds like his initial thought was just that there was something wrong with you. You need to work on this divide and find ways to bring your marriage back together. It is a partnership between two equals. All your decisions should be about US and OUR, not HIS and MINE.