Marriage on the Rocks

[morumon]

The main reason I came to this forum is for moral support. So, here is my story. With so many others suffering, I hope you don't mind reading one more sad tale.

Wife and I have been married over 25 yrs. I introduced her to the church when we were courting and she joined. We were sealed in the temple and later welcomed 4 great children into our family. They are now teenage and above (3 still at home).

Recently she dropped the bombshell that she wanted a divorce. As far as I'm aware there is no infidelity nor moral sin involved. She simply doesn't like me nor our situation. She feels she deserves more (more money, better neighborhood, more vacations, better friends) and I'm not providing it. She arranges her work schedule to avoid going to church and doesn't have faith in the doctrines and teachings.

I suspect she has some form of borderline personality disorder and perhaps some narcissistic tendencies. She can be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in front of the kids and sometimes in public. She is especially good at scowling.

After her bombshell, she took another look at what divorce would mean to our family and decided against it. Instead, she sleeps downstairs and tries not to be in the same room I'm in whenever possible. The only times I'm not igonored are when she needs something. She agreed to marriage counseling (non-LDS) and we're having our second session this week.

I love my kids and I'm willing to forgive all the heartache my wife has inflicted on me to keep our family together. The hardest part is feeling so alone, with feelings of rejection, heartbreak, failure, inadequacy, and uncertainty until we get to a point of reconciliation. It helps to have a calling in our ward. Our bishop has also been a great support to me. Our situation is confidential, although I'm sure ward members suspect something when they see me alone with the kids in church every week or when the wife sits on the opposite end of the pew when she does come.

I love the Gospel, I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father. This is what gets me through every day. I'm not perfect, but I also want to know I'm not a failure. Thanks for taking the time to read this very long post.

[someldsdude]

I feel sorry for you, and hope that you guys can see a bishop and then professional counseling. If she doesn't want to do any of that, I would question whether there has been some infidelity... I'm not a counselor, so I'm just giving an opinion of what I would think.

[Guest DeborahC]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You are not a failure.

And you are not alone.

As a person who has had more than one failed marriage, a book that really helped me was "Keeping the Love you Find" by Harville Hendrix. Also, if you can find a marriage counselor that uses the Hendrix techniques, they have a high success rate.

Good luck and God Bless You!

[MorningStar]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like she is well to suddenly make that decision after 25 years of marriage.

[morumon]

We had our second counseling session. The counselor questioned if there was any reason to continue meeting. I'm not sure what to think or feel. There's an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. We did make another appointment but I don't know what good it will do. Everything seems to be collapsing around me. I'm also setting up a session for myself and meeting with the bishop again. I wonder if this is how it felt to be on the Titanic.

[Backroads]

Are the kids the only reason you want to keep the family together? I'm sure they can sense what's going on and are already distressed. Unless you think you and your wife can stay together--regardless of the kids--I don't believe you're helping your kids much by prolonging misery.

[trubludru]

I'm sorry you have to go through this situation, I can't imagine what it is like to have a long term marriage come apart like that. I had a short marriage come apart, and that was extremely rough for me. Getting divorced was not fun, I can't say that I recommend it; but sometimes it is the best way forward, even if it isn't what you want. On the flip side, sometimes people and situations change if given time, I can't say whether or not the situation with your wife will, it sounds like a prolonged situation at this point and that she doesn't seem interested in changing. The only advice I can offer is stay close to Heavenly Father, your children, and the church. Best wishes.

[Rabboni]

Good for you for making the effort to try to keep your marriage together.

[Misshalfway]

We had our second counseling session. The counselor questioned if there was any reason to continue meeting. I'm not sure what to think or feel. There's an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. We did make another appointment but I don't know what good it will do. Everything seems to be collapsing around me. I'm also setting up a session for myself and meeting with the bishop again. I wonder if this is how it felt to be on the Titanic.

What was the counselors reasoning for discontinuing therapy? Is it because your wife is unwilling to participate in working through the issues?

I can't imagine how powerless you must feel when even the therapist is ready to abandon ship so early. Maybe the therapist was trying to "test" her resolve, rather than discontinue.

I tend to recommend this a lot, but it's just because I really believe in it. It's a newer marriage therapy called "Emotionally Focused Therapy." Founder is Susan Johnson and her self help book is called "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For a Lifetime of Love" if you want to research more about it. Most marriage therapy models produce a good 40%-ish success rate. EFT rates at about 80% success. So, maybe look into hiring an EFT therapist.....IF your wife is willing of course.