My love for husband is fading away...

[CTR4life]

Last march I posted about my sittuation with my husband, he told me last year that he didnt believe in God or the lds church anymore so it was really hard to heard that cause we started out marriage in the temple which he doesnt really care about it either, anyways I try to put in practice almost all the advices given here in the forums, my husband was coming to church with me but it seems to be miserable all the time I was trying hard but at the same time I was loosing my testimony cause it was easy that way, after octuber GC I decided to not let his lack of testimony hurt mine, I started to do my visiting teaching, give service and open my heart to the teaching of the gospel.

I was trying to work things out but is not only my husband lack of testimony that is affecting my feelings for him and not just but that is like if he doesn't care about anything, we dont have a good comunication, we dont fight but we dont talk more than 5 min of personal matters but science Ficcion. He doesnt have iniciative and it seems to have any desire of living life as I do, he just came from work and do nothing else than watching t.v or using his Ipod, our intimate life sucks and its really important to me. He is a good guy, I like him more as a friend that anything else, we don't have kids and I have not desire to have kids with him.

Last week I was feeling so desperate and lonely that I wanted to cry all the time but I didnt, a day later while I was calm and after praying hard I asked if his feelings towards our Heavenly Father and the church had change for good, he said that hasn't change a bit that he was coming to church just not to hurt me but that he wasn't happy about it, I asked him he would talk to the bishop but he doesn't want to even try or do nothing about it, I talked to him about getting divorced, he just told me that If I want to he will agree with me but that he doesn't want to get divorced, after that he has been caring with me, but even do he try to make an effort I feel my feelings fading away.

Edited November 10, 2012 by CTR4life

[MorningStar]

The only thing you can do is focus on the positive and pray. Maybe keep a journal of the good things he does. I know it's so hard. My mom went through the same thing, but my parents are still together.

[CTR4life]

Thanks MorningStar, I do pray and I see all the good thing he has and does for me that's why I'm still with him, a journal it's a good idea.

Do your parents still together but happily together??

[MorningStar]

My parents are pretty happy, but they have their spats. It's mostly miscommunication and grumpiness, but they have had mutual respect for each others' beliefs. She doesn't try to get him to church and he doesn't try to stop her from going. He never tried to talk us kids out of the church either, which is a big plus. His brother pulled all of his kids away.

[Guest Thinker]

I have had some questions about the church... went through somewhat of a grieving process in realizing it wasn't what I thought it was. Now, I am reconciling my feelings... I realize nobody's perfect - no church is perfect - but I like our church overall.

My marriage has gone through some challenging times because our marriage was brought together largely because of our shared religious convictions. My advice to you is the same for my own marriage - we need to find beliefs, activities and interests in common - to compensate for religious differences. Relationships are about relating - and about feeling good about that relating.

[Carl62]

I look at this as being no different than two people who are of different religions getting married. I know of two couples where one is Protestant and the other is Catholic. While they've had to work out some issues (baptisms, Catholic high school or public, etc.), they love and respect each other enough to work out those issues. Do you guys find more good about each other than bad? If so, then you've definitely got something to fight for.

[Misshalfway]

Find a therapist that is certified (or at least trained in) Emotionally Focused Therapy. And do a good 12 to 20 sessions of therapy. It IS one of the best marital therapies out there. Most of them produce approximately 40% success rates, if that. Emotionally Focused Therapy (created by Susan Johnson) can boast a strong 83-ish%. It's not about changing behavior, negotiating better solutions, or improve your communication style. It's not about placating your partner with "service" or better sex or saying words with "I" statements. It's about helping the two of you understand your patterns of disconnection, and then relearn how to bond with each other experientially.

This website is a good place to start. Here's the search for a therapist page if you are interested. Or just search for more info. Find A Therapist

OR get Susan Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight". I wonder what would happen if the two of you walked through the seven conversations. I wonder if you would see each other differently.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love: Dr. Sue Johnson, Sandra Burr: 9781455870233: Amazon.com: Books

And in regards to your situation, both on the religious and relationship fronts. Both are opportunities in disguise. It is scary when ones partner changes their religious feelings. It means changes that perhaps we didn't bargain for. I think all the feelings you are having are normal X 10. But don't let them distract you away from this wonderful opportunity for growth. It's like a bunch of mud being drenched over your windshield and it's hard to navigate. But, if you can, turn on your windshield wipers and see if you can see through it to the lessons of love that await you. See if you can start to listen to your husband without judgment (not without discernment, mind you.) See if you can tap into his feelings about his spiritual changes. And then see if you can validate and empathize with these feelings. Don't try to change them. Just see them and sooth them. And then sit and wait. It's like applying antibiotics with multiple applications and waiting for the infection to get better.

It's seems clear that your husband doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't want to lose you. And even though it seems like his loss in testimony is the end of something, I'm wondering if it's just a season of disbelief. That with the right nurturing, patience, and nonreactive discernment, could be one of the best things to happen to your marriage. Perhaps it's ordained to be, or maybe it's just an opportunity for you to make it so. If anything, let it expand your ability to love, extend your patience, extend your understanding of eternal perspectives squared with earthly struggles, and your ability to withstand the storms of life with faith, determination, compassion, and strength.

Blessings to you, my dear. Focusing on the pain and unfairness of it is a dead end.....a dead end Satan will most certainly lure you into. Don't get fooled by such a ploy. Keep your eyes focused on loving your husband as a person, as a human who is struggling like all humans do, and as your companion with whom you committed to for your earth life experience come what may.

[jayanna]

Okay, am I the only one that is thinking his actions are speaking much louder than his words? No husband I know will get out of bed on Sunday, get dressed, go to church for three hours, and be a regular attendee just to make his wife happy, and then tell her it is a lie, and then repeat it all over again. That makes absolutely no sense at all. There is much more here than someone supposedly losing a testimony. That is just too much effort to make only to undermine yourself by telling the person you are faking it for that you are faking it, and then deja vu, starting it over.

I don't know if he is suffering from depression, or if he is extremely upset by you, or that he is feeling henpecked. Regardless of what the cause of his apathy may be, I would sincerely suggest showing him and increase of love. Have you stopped praying together? Stopped having couple scripture study? I would suggest returning to these things and gently inviting him to join you in a loving and caring manner, not pointing out that you think he is doing something wrong, but that you enjoy his company and insight.

I learned something when I started in daycare services. This kids were terrible to each other, they would bite each other, hit, throw, you name it, they did it. Staff were dropping like flies, but I needed that job so I decided to find a way to stick it out. I looked at the ladies who had been there for decades and discovered the difference. They found something to love about each child. So I made a list of each child and every day added to the list something I loved about each one of them. Some days is what harder than others, but I put something down anyway. I found myself searching for the good in each of them, and downplaying the bad things they would do. I encouraged them and praised them when they learned something new or did something nice. They caught on and started doing that with each other as well. Plant a seed and it will grow.

Change your feelings, it is a concious decision to feel something. Change the tone of your inner commentary. Every day add to that list until you find yourself not willing to live without him. It will translate into how you speak with him and look forward to seeing him, he will sense it and it will cause a change in him. Have the patience with him that you want your Heavenly Father to have with you.

[mdfxdb]

I think you need to decide for yourself what is important to you in your spouse, and future father to your children. You are fortunate to not have children right now, and while you may love your husband and he may love you back, you need to look 5 - 10 years down the road. Aside from the church thing has he always been this way? Is this a pattern?

People generally don't change, if he's always been this way then he will always be that way. If there has been an event or something that has influenced him then there is a chance he will come around. Which is it?