Love again after a smothering relationship?

[nellyleyva92]

After being in a relationship in which my boyfriend was too intense and too jealous, I started feeling cold and exhausted, but when he broke up I felt extremely lonely. It has been hard to live without the constant calls and text messages, when I was so used to it. Now I can't help relating SMOTHERING=TRUE DEEP LOVE.

I've read about people who ended their relationship with someone who was too clingy and needy to be with a more independent person, but eventually they started wondering why the new person doesn't smother or "spoil" them like their ex, they become afraid they don't love them, etc. So they become the person that smothers the other.

Like this:

Life after a smothering relationship

I am afraid this happens to me. I've been feeling guilty for feeling like I lost somebody who loved me for real, and since he was my first boyfriend, his clingy behaviour has become my standard of true love.

I started to think that if a guy doesn't smother me like my ex, it means he doesn't love me, or he doesn't love me enough, and then I will be the insecure one, the jealous, etc.

How can I get rid of this way of thinking so I don't ruin future relationships?

I am afraid I might waste good chances just because I am afraid their love won't last or is not true.

Thanks in advance!

Edited December 5, 2012 by nellyleyva92

[beefche]

Love is not jealousy. Love is not smothering a person all the time. Love is not showing physical affection all the time or making sure the other one never, ever doubts the love.

I'm afraid that you currently insecure. If you need constant, physical reminders of love (physical can be showing affection, or texting you all the time), then you are insecure of yourself now. Basically, you are afriad that no one can or will love you and thus, you need constant reminders of the "love." That is unhealthy.

[nellyleyva92]

Thanks, that's what I thought when I was with him. I didn't really need too many calls a day, or too many kisses or to hold hands everywhere, or saying "I love you" all the time. He convinced me that it was true love.....but now I guess not. Your opinion was very helpful to me, thank you!

[Finrock]

There is no universally right way for a couple to expresses their love and show affection to each other. It is a matter of finding out what your expectations are and what the expectations of your companion are. If both of you are willing to accomodate the other's way of showing or receiving love and perhaps compromise on some things you both like, then even if you are completely opposite in how you show affection and love you can still make it work.

Also, all of us have different tolerance levels. What might be "clingy" to you may be just right for someone else. So, my point is that you don't necessarily have an issue that needs to be fixed but rather it could just be a matter of learning about yourself and finding out what you want out of a relationship.

Regards,

Finrock

[Maxn]

well dont trust on anyone..go ahead with new one..n never think about past..just enjoy today!

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Nelly, do you like to read? I would suggest reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. In the book he talks about unhealthy dating behaviors, and strongly emphasizes learning to listen to our intuition.

Did you know (I didn't) that in the United States 1,000's of restraining orders are given out to women by courts daily. Being LDS and dating LDS does not make you immune to these kinds of issues. Just tonight at a Relief Society Dinner a friend told me about a very scary stalking type incident she had had with a guy that she met at a dance.

I don't tell you this to scare you, but to let you know smothering/jealousy are not healthy the seeds of a healthy relationship, and that some relationships can be dangerous. The Gift of Fear sounds like a scary book, but actually I found it to be the opposite...it is quiet empowering. I have more confidence in listening to my intuition and knowing what to do in difficult situations, and thus I feel safer and more relaxed.

[Guest SquidMom]

You are right about this first relationship setting the standard for you. Be patient. As you date more and experience different ways of expressing emotions, you will learn what is right for you. I agree with other's warings about the danger of obsessive/ jealous relationships. That is not real love. When you love someone, you don't possess their lives, you SHARE it. You should be free to spend time alone or with friends, if you prefer. You should be able to say, "I can't, I have plans", and not be required to explain or ask permission. (Marriage is a little different)

Always remember that you are an individual, and should not be defined as a mere extension of your boyfriend. Even when you are dating seriously, you are still just dating, and should feel free to have your own separate life.

Good luck!

[Star_]

Break-ups are tough, especially your first love. Double tough when you weren't the one doing to breaking up. You will get through this in time. I suggest taking a break from dating. Enjoy being single. Give yourself time to heal. Stay close to the Lord, spend time with family and friends, work on your talents, keep busy. You will learn from this experience and become a stronger person. It was only your first boyfriend. There will be others.

Don't give up on love for the future. You will know when you are ready for a relationship again. A quote I like came to mind:

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be....It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." Erica Jong

You mention smothering and this quote came to mind:

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were" Kahlil Gibran

My personal view on love is if it is meant to be, it will be. True love will last.

Edited December 8, 2012 by Star_
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