Family Help

[Sjames]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting... Maybe just a place to write out the craziness? Anyway, this is bound to be long. It's incredibly emotional for me and I'm having a hard time with it.

I had a "falling out," if you will, with my brother and his wife. I was very close with them. I love their children and we spent time together almost every week. Last year, we had a disagreement about politics (of all ridiculous things). My sil began attacking me personally and said the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. I begged her to stop and just drop it and she proceeded to harass me through text, phone and email for 3 days before I got my brother involved and asked him to please have her just stop. He told me I should be ashamed of my life (I'm much more liberal than they are). I was shocked and hurt, but through this whole thing never said anything back. This was 2 weeks before thanksgiving. I sent him a text that everyone would be coming to my new house and gave him the address (we had just moved during all of this). He never responded and never showed up. He had a baby in the last year and never called or wrote, but did text my husband, whom he works with, to congratulate him on our new son (although he still has never contacted or replied to me).

It's been weird and horrible and I've had such terrible anxiety over the whole thing. I can't understand why his wife went so crazy on me nor why it was so easy for them to just completely cut me out. I wonder if it had to do with her postpartum depression, but it was just so out of nowhere and SO extreme a reaction.

I'm a very quiet and reserved person. I love my family more than anything and although it is going to make me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious, my grandma has asked that everyone get together at her house for Christmas this year and I would like to respect her wishes. Just the thought of being in the same room with someone who hates me so passionately is giving me panic attacks. I miss my nieces and nephew, but I have no idea how I should react. Should I pretend that everything is great? Should I engage them in anyway? I also have a new baby and a toddler and it's making me nervous that they will see me so uncomfortable.

What would you do? I honestly just don't know how to deal. I feel like if I have a plan of what attitude to try and have, I'll cope better.

[Guest]

I'm in a very similar situation. If you haven't reached out at all, you might just once send an email or letter telling her you feel badly that things have gone this far, and that you love them and miss them. Past that, consider your duty done. Depending on how they react, you can still send cards or gifts to their kids every once in awhile or for special occasions. Pray for them and for peace in your family.

It hurts. It's sad. It really stinks to miss out on the lives of family. But ultimately there's little you can do if she's not willing to meet you halfway. I'm sorry she said awful things. That sting can stay with you for a long time. But consider the source. . . and the pain does fade.

[Guest]

As far as your grandma's, you have every right to be there. Just go like you normally would. If she decides differently, that's her problem. She has no right to keep you from the rest of your family, though. You'll be surprised at how easy it is to engage other family members and ignore her (not fun, but easy once you do it).

I could tell you about the time we were at my DH's parents and my crazy SIL was being especially irritating and hateful, and I was in the kitchen cooking. Somehow every time she opened her mouth, I needed the Kitchenaid to go at a higher speed. That's not the most mature or effective manner of dealing with things, but it did give me a little giggle. :)

[Sjames]

Thank you. I guess I am just especially nervous because this is the first time that she'll be "forced" to be near me. They've avoided everyone in my family since; it's really just so weird. I sent a letter shortly after everything happened, and she replied with horrible things again. She said no gifts or cards would ever be accepted for me, and on and on. I know that attempting to repair a relationship that the other party cares so little for is pointless, but I guess it's just me. I'm not the person that can just forget. I do feel like I've forgiven, but everything still stings (as much as I don't want it to!).

And even though she is so mean, I don't want her to be uncomfortable. She has very young children also and they've kept them away. I think if she's angry or upset, the children will feel it and that's not fair. :/

Do you think it's appropriate to give the kids Christmas and birthday presents? I wasn't "allowed" to be there and have have their presents ready.

[Guest]

From my experience, if she's said they won't accept things, leave it alone. One year my SIL's husband was unemployed so we did a drop-and-run before Christmas, but otherwise we have pretty much no contact. My niece did come to visit my in-laws (sans parents) this summer and I got some time with her then. Otherwise I haven't really seen their kids for 4 years.

In my case, my SIL almost certainly has narcissistic personality disorder. So doing anything besides pretending she doesn't exist inflames the situation. . . which she simultaneously fights and loves. She wants the power and attention, and doesn't stop at using her kids for ammo. So we've found it best to stay out of their lives. Again, sad, but healtiest for us and probably the kids, too, since if we're not engaged in her game, she can't use them as pawns.

[Vort]

Yes, act like everything is normal. Be pleasant, not artificial or forced. Show affection like you always did. Christmas presents are appropriate; you might want to mention to the parents that you also have birthday gifts that you didn't manage to give them during the year, and can you give them to the kids now?

You should also review your own previous actions to be sure you did not join many other leftists in acting objectionably during the election season, such as name-calling, demonizing, and gloating. If you did, own up to your actions and apologize. If you did not, then they are at fault, not you. This last election season has felt very ominous and ugly for conservatives, and some have reacted very badly and even shamefully. If your s-i-l and brother are among these, you might just have to forgive them and let it go. But of course, if they're going to hold a grudge over your personal beliefs, there is not a darn thing you can do about such foolishness.

[Sjames]

@vort-- I purposefully do not comment on elections, just because most all of my family holds polar opposite views as me! Actually, I stepped in it when I was describing how my alma mater expelled a student for being transgendered. I said I was disappointed in them and that was all it took!

My problem with wanting to give the children gifts even tho I've been forbidden (blech!) is that I ALWAYS gave gifts. I just don't want the kids to feel unloved or that there anything different in our relationship (although there SO clearly is, mainly I haven't seen then in over a year ).

[applepansy]

Sjames, Eowyn and Vort have given great advice so I'll try not to repeat it.

About the kids: Kids are smart. They will ask questions eventually. My children are now all adults and they rarely like to be at my parents or my inlaws houses for holidays because neither of our parents wanted us to get married and still (after 36 years) don't want us to be married. Neither side has been kind and my kids watched it all. The lesson from this is be the bigger person always. Always show love, the kids will see it.

If your SIL is going to refuse to allow the kids to have your gifts or cards you must respect that. I would suggest that instead of a gift you write the children a letter on their birthdays or other special occasions. Years from now when the kids come to visit with questions you can bring out your "loving" letters you wrote to them.

Just a week ago, my cousin (he's 69 and hasn't seen family since he was a teenager because his mother got upset when my Dad gave him a BoM) ...his daughter, who is now 33, came to visit me. She misses family but has never met any of us. She spent FIVE hours at my house asking questions. I was amazed at how the story had been so distorted over the years.

Another example from my life: My mother didn't talk to me for over a year and a half, until last year at Christmas. She had another stroke and forgot why she was angry with me. It was very hurtful. She's angry with my niece (her grand-daughter) ... with reason. My Mom can hold a grudge forever and she gets very bitter and hard to be around. After listening to my Mom go on and on for about 30 minutes telling the same story for the 50th time I said "Mom someday you're going to have to forgive her." That's all it took for my mother to decide I wasn't worth talking to. Not only not talk to, but when she did say something she uninvited us to the family vacation in a dishonest way. I had to grieve and you will too.

Pray for your enemies... especially when they are family.

[Backroads]

Yes, be pleasant, above all things. I hate to think of it this way, but you might just have to show off how you are being the bigger person.

I considered suggesting you give the kids the presents--in front of the whole extended family so that your brother and SiL might give in to avoid humiliation... but I really see that backfiring later on. Respect their wishes, but if possible, make conversation with the kids so they can still see you love them. If any of the kids are old enough, I would also suggest explaining why you aren't giving them presents--no blamey stuff, but simply say you don't have gifts for them at the wishes of their parents. Just the simple facts. The kids need to know things aren't their fault.

Edited December 20, 2012 by Backroads