Somewhat Lost, but REALLY sad

[benedictine9]

I agree with you on the "why" as far as abuse of children are concerned. I can't understand how anyone would knowingly enter into such activity for such a short-term high.

Child abuse has cut such a wide swath of destruction across my family and extended family. I often wonder what life would have been like without it sitting like the 800 pound gorilla in so many aspects of our life.

[mrmarklin]

I separated from my children's Mom in May of 2005 and got a divorce a few years later. I still don't fully understand the why.

For me, my best guess of the why this happened to me and my family is that I may not have understood the answer to some prayers correctly and/or made some/many wrong decisions leading up to my marriage and then throughout the time I was married and probably more. And God allowed it to happen because we are free to choose what we do in this life.

What has always confounded me is that if God new that my marriage to my children's Mom was going to end in divorce then why didn't he simply make it more clear to me that I should not marry her and save us all a lot of pain and suffering, especially for our children. And that just leads me back to the freedom of choice and the rest of what I put in the above paragraph.

I don't know how old you were when you got married, and I'm sorry for your situation. But I was too young, and didn't see the red flags (actually I saw them, but didn't recognize the significance). Not sure I would recognize them now if I hadn't gone through what we have done together, because I read a lot of things that ordinarily I wouldn't.

I'm very lucky, as we have been able to have a long and now better marraige because some of the things that caused problems such as finances, etc are now off the table as arguing points.

Edited March 7, 2013 by Eowyn
I don't think a post advocating against the value of prayer is appropriate on this site.

[ZionsRodeVos]

I don't know how old you were when you got married, and I'm sorry for your situation. But I was too young, and didn't see the red flags (actually I saw them, but didn't recognize the significance). Not sure I would recognize them now if I hadn't gone through what we have done together, because I read a lot of things that ordinarily I wouldn't.

I'm very lucky, as we have been able to have a long and now better marraige because some of the things that caused problems such as finances, etc are now off the table as arguing points.

I was 27 when I got married but was very naive and minimized any problems I recognized and thought they would not be problems. I didn't see a lot of the conflicts/problems and since I never was able to figure out the real reasons my children's mom acted the way she did until after the separation I really had no chance of changing to resolve the problems. Every time I would change because of a reason she gave me the problem still was not fixed and that added to my confusion.

I too read and learned a lot about things I would never have learned otherwise.

[benedictine9]

ZionsRodeVos,

I, too, have honestly made an effort to address specific things that have made her unhappy and have also found that in the larger scheme, it hasn't and won't probably make a real difference.

An honest appraisal of where I am suggests that this is more about one's capacity to be happy generally in spite of how life and relationships pose challenges.

I have shared in counseling that my fear going forward that I will internalize all of the criticisms levied right now and shut down and not see the bigger picture, or how I can still be a force for much good in the lives of my children.

While everyone has said in some way or another that this will get easier, my hope is that I can re-forge my confidence and be proactive instead of reactive as I plan for my life and my role in the lives of my children.

[ZionsRodeVos]

The constant criticism I experienced was exhausting. I just realized that I handled it very differently while still living with my children's mom and started handling it very differently sometime after the separation.

Before the separation I would ask her to stop or demonstrate to her how what she said was wrong and of course that just fueled an argument. I became weary of those.

After the separation whenever she would start talking about irrelevant things or began criticizing me then I just hung up on her.

The first way was communication but very unproductive. The second way simply eliminated most of the communication. There are still times when I hang up on her because of the negativity in her communications. She seldom if ever agreed with my way of doing things whereas in my mind there is more than one right way to do many things.

I was very concerned about the welfare of my children and the only solution I found that would allow me to continue to be an influence for good in my children's lives was to seek primary custody.

In ways my confidence was shaken in some things but in others it increased as I saw first hand that things improved for my children after I was granted custody. There have been set backs too, very difficult ones which I think I have too long attributed to the separation and divorce but I now think it may go beyond that.

Planning things that will make a difference helps a lot. It has seemed to get better slowly over the years for me and my children but still the challenges keep coming. Emotionally it did get better within a year or so after the separation.

I sincerely hope you find a solution that will work for you and your family.