A little lost, need some guidance

[Jeffmk]

Hey all,

My name is Jeff, and I am a convert to the church, although not an active member. I have come here for a bit of help, perhaps some advice. I was baptized in 2006, but quit going shortly thereafter, mostly due to social anxiety problems that are out of my control. Originally, I had hoped that being spirit filled would help me see past such anxiety, but it did not.

Since 2006, I have swung from agnosticism to slight belief, despite praying to God from time to time, I never really feel the holy spirit. I have noticed, that I just can't seem to keep myself in check, I originally quit smoking, and drinking. Now, I am back to using nicotine and drinking about once a week. I seem to just lack the willpower, or energy to do much of anything these days but sit around day dreaming.

I would love to go back to the ward, but I am incredibly socially awkward. I feel guilty, because most of the people are really nice, yet I don't really reciprocate such genuine kindness, not to mention, whatever faith I do have is not nearly as strong as theirs is. I just feel out of place, I am an introvert to begin with, and just do not participate as I think people expect I should. I think if anything, I probably take from the spirit filled church, and don't contribute.

It is strange, I'm not really sure why I am even writing this, perhaps a bit of self pity. I'm just depressed, I need something to believe in. Without it, I have no willpower and just seem to float about life in my own dreams. I feel depressed, worthless, and filled with shame about not being able to do the simple things most people can do effortlessly.

Never had I felt the holy spirit, before praying on the Book of Mormon, and the feeling of relief, and love was just beyond anything I had felt. I miss that feeling, even if it was brief. I have sought out the holy spirit many times since, and haven't felt it. Perhaps God is angry at me, perhaps I am unworthy. I don't know. Really, I just feel worn down.

It has been so long since I have been to the ward, I'm not sure if this is a typical request but if you could, just pray for me. Perhaps God will hear your calls, and show me a way.

Sorry for the long winded post, I don't have much to contribute to the site as I am not very knowledgeable regarding the church. So I thought I would just post a quick intro, with a twist and place it in the advice section. Thank you for hearing me out.

[pam]

Don't let the feeling of not being very knowledgeable keep you from participating. All of us no matter how long we have been members still have much to learn.

[Roseslipper]

keep trying jeff dont give up on the Lord dont give up on you!! Many of us feel that there are people in the church who are so much better then ourself. This is wrong. we are no better then anyone alse, no ones better then you as well. We just might be in the church longer. my advice is to strive to keep going to church on sundays, get active go to church functions, get to know the people in your ward. believe it or not they need you just as much as you need them.Dont be afraid to smile at others, shake their hands, and talk with them. were all on different levels spirutually and thats ok. I use to be shy more a intervert then extravert, but being a member of the church has helped me over come this. You have felt the spirit when u read the bom thats great. Strive to push yourself to go to church, join in the activites, smile and shake peoples hand, get to know the people in your ward. And continue to learn and grow. Do u have hometeachers, if not tell the bishop, or if u want to talk with the bishop his door is always welcome. Theresalways themissionarys too. When u joined the church you were adopted into this wonderful church you have many brothers and sisters too, they need u, just like u need them. Prayer is very important so strive to pray daily, scripture reading is important. Get involved with your ward not just on SundAys, but at other activites as well. Mingle even if its hard, soon it will become easier

[Guest]

I have a much harder time feeling the Spirit when I'm in a depressive phase.

[Jeffmk]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm not ready to go back yet, really I am just some weird guy that probably creeps people out at the church because I am so quiet, and reserved, not to mention nervous. I don't think it is fair to other people there, to have to deal with a person like me. Social anxiety is something I am trying to beat, it is hard to explain the irrational nature of it. But until I can beat it, and conduct myself in a manner that is more open, and less prone to making others feel uncomfortable I just can't go into a place meant for spirituality. It makes me feel guilty, because I feel as though I am robbing them out of their experience.

I think I need God to do this, because I just can't seem to do it on my own. As much as I hate to admit such weakness to myself, I am 38 years old and you would think I would have gotten over it by now. If you all don't mind, I think I will just stick around the forums for now, for any guidance I might get.

[dahlia]

I have a sister who literally sat in her room for 2 years with depression. She only recently started therapy and medication. It takes a while for that stuff to kick in, but I can hear a change in her voice when I talk to her and she has started to think of going back to work.

Don't let things get that bad for you. Try to find a therapist and work on finding the right meds for your situation. Don't be afraid of using therapy and medication to help you get past the issues you can't seem to work through on your own.

[Jeffmk]

I have a sister who literally sat in her room for 2 years with depression. She only recently started therapy and medication. It takes a while for that stuff to kick in, but I can hear a change in her voice when I talk to her and she has started to think of going back to work.

Don't let things get that bad for you. Try to find a therapist and work on finding the right meds for your situation. Don't be afraid of using therapy and medication to help you get past the issues you can't seem to work through on your own.

Thanks Dahlia, I did go to a CBT therapist a few months back, and he informed me that he had cured me of my aliment. He didn't, but he wasn't that good to begin with. Plus, it was a bit on the expensive side, as I don't have insurance. I have a family to worry about first, and spending $150 - $300 is not within our budget.

I am feeling a bit better right now though, perhaps just expressing my thoughts helped a bit. I think for now, I will just sort of be a Jack Mormon. Continue with reading scriptures, and praying to God. I'll probably go back to the ward again at some point, I would like to have my kids involved more as it would be good for them. My youngest hasn't been there since she was a baby. If anything, I'll probably trudge through it for them. I just don't want to ruin the experience for others in the church.

I'm glad to hear your sister is doing better, depression can be a hard thing to beat. Anytime someone breaks out of it, it cheers me up a bit.

Thanks for responding.

[Wordnerd]

Do you know anyone in your ward? If you can reach out and let someone know your desire to come back and your anxiety problem it will help you to find support in the ward. People may be afraid to reach out to you because they don't want to seem pushy and they assume you are inactive because you want to be. If you don't feel comfortable with that, you could talk to the Bishop or even the elder's quorum president for support in returning, they would be happy to give it. Never feel that your prescence is an imposition on other members, believe me your ward would be happy to see you and your children again, regardless whether you feel you come across weird. I can assure you everyone is weird in their own way. Don't worry about the relapsing on drinking and smoking, you can still go to church, we have members in my ward with those struggles, we are just happy to see them when they do come.

If you truly feel you can't reach out, invite the missionaries over, they are just as happy to meet with you now as they were before you were baptized. Believe me when you do return to church people will just feel joy for you because we truly get excited to have our brothers and Sisters in Christ return.