Husband wants kids already, wish I were excited

[HeatherV]

I'm 30, husband is 32. We've both always wanted kids. When we got married 8 months ago we planned to have them right off, and I was happy about it, now, not as much. I still want kids, but I'm just not excited. I'm afraid I'll regret it if I get pregnant now. I'm not sure if I'm just afraid, if I want better timing, or I've pushed the desire away. We have been trying all 8 months and have only gotten pregnant twice, but had very early miscarriages (so early we hadn't even made it to the doctor or telling anyone), so I wonder if I'm just trying to not get attached because of the history. Also I'm a teacher, and if we wait a month or two longer it will land in the summer, which is more convenient, especially because I plan on quitting, and I hate the idea of leaving my students mid year and my principals having to find a replacement quickly while my students suffer through subs or temporary teachers, and I will get paid more if I can stick it out, but I guess that's being selfish. I also wonder if I'm afraid I won't be a good mother, or if I could have more miscarriages and lose them when I'm really attached. My husband wants to keep trying, and I'm willing, but I just want to feel excited about it, and don't know how, and I'm sick of nonLDS people telling me I just shouldn't have kids.

[Guest]

Well, as you probably know you've got about 5 years until your fertility starts to decline. So there's the biology.

Beyond that, having kids is a big change that I don't think one ever really feels ready for. I think the older you are and the more settled into life, the harder it is to look that change in the face. But just because something isn't 100% exciting, doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

My kneejerk advice is to not prevent but keep moving forward with other things in life. In a few years when you do feel "excited enough", it might be too late. However, I think the most obvious advice is to pray about it. You don't have to be excited for it to be right, and having spiritual confirmation might help you feel better about it.

[Mojomanny]

Heather - I will pray that you can accept and understand Heavenly Father's guidance.

[Gwen]

I'm currently reading The Gift of Giving Life - skipping most of the birth stories for personal reasons.

It's really good and I recommend it. Not to push you to decide that you should or shouldn't, just a unique spiritual perspective. Maybe give you some balance and something to think on as you pray about what is the right decision for you and your family.

It's not a book for first time moms only. I'm discovering a lot and I'm going on #6. lol

[Irishcolleen]

If you have had two miscarriages in a row you might want to consider going to the doctor. Repeated miscarriages may be a sign of lupus or hormonal problems that can be treated, giving you a better chance of carrying to term.

[Maureen]

....It's not a book for first time moms only. I'm discovering a lot and I'm going on #6. lol

Gwen, are congratulations in order? Are you expecting?

M.

[Gwen]

Gwen, are congratulations in order? Are you expecting?

M.

Not to distract from this thread but yes I am. lol

To the op, your post has been on my mind a lot. It's not selfish to attempt to plan a "right time". Though always keep in mind that the lord may have a different "right time" in mind. I can understand being a school teacher and wanting to end things right.

Fear about if you will be a good mother or not is pretty normal. Fear of losing the baby is also normal. Don't feel broken or alone because of those feelings.

All you can do is the best you can with what you have. As mothers we don't control the baby's development, no matter what dr's say. The body that spirit gets (or if it grows to term) is between that baby and it's heavenly parents. Our heavenly father knows each of us, knows the kind of mother we'll be and how we'll grow, knows that baby and what they will need to make it back to him. If you're doing the best you can to keep your covenants then all will be fine.

I know when you are full of fear the first thought at such comments is "that's easy for you to say or you don't know what it's like to be me". Please don't think because I'm on #6 it means it's easy for me. To be honest the path of having babies has been the greatest trial of my life. It's also been the source of so much growth. I do know what it's like to feel afraid of getting/being pregnant.

Please consider getting the book I suggested. I really think it will give you a perspective that may just help you to feel excited about something that is such a huge unknown. It will also help you deal with the nonlds that are telling you just to not worry about having kids. It is a must read no matter what you decide for right now.

[MormonMama]

We have been trying all 8 months and have only gotten pregnant twice, but had very early miscarriages (so early we hadn't even made it to the doctor or telling anyone), so I wonder if I'm just trying to not get attached because of the history.

This could be a factor, though of course only you can say for sure, with some introspection. I know I went through the same thing during the 4 1/2 years DH and I tried to conceive. I got tired of the false hopes and letdowns. I started getting angry, feeling like I couldn't deal with the emotional roller coaster anymore and part of me hated my body for not getting pregnant (even though we never did find out why it didn't happen back then).

I also don't see anything wrong with wanting to wait another month or two due to your job. DH and I have already decided that if we have another baby, we would really like to time it so that it would be born at the end of the school year so I can stay home with the newborn all summer (I'm a school bus driver). Of course, things don't always happen when we want them to, but I see nothing wrong with trying to work it out for a specific time frame.

I also agree with Irishcolleen about seeing a doctor, just in case. While miscarriages are quite common (sadly), two within 8 months can be cause for concern.