Divorce, Seperation And A New Relationship.

[Coleman]

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Edited September 27, 2012 by Coleman

[BenRaines]

My opinion and as I have counseled.

While you are married you are married. Dating after separation or pending a divorce is not appropriate. Do people do it, yes, is it appropriate, no.

Less appropriate is living together without being married.

I am happy that you have found the church and hope that, if you care enough for this woman, you can wait until she is divorced to pick up the relationship.

Ben Raines

[rosie321]

Heres a few questions for you

Are you still living with her?

She was married but seperated? Is she divorced now?

What are your feelings for her?

Are you willing to give her up if called upon to follow the will of God?

Some thoughts

Hanging out with a married women (other than your wife) is not appropriate. But the knowledge you are accountable to before you were a member of the church and accepted the gospel is different than now. You are called out from that life that you had before and cleansed in the baptismal waters. YOu are also called to sin no more.

I guess the big question is are you living appropriately and chaste now or within the bonds of marriage? Is she completely divorced? If not I'd defineately stay far away from her. I'm a little concerned with you being with her at all seeing how little she seems to value her commitments. How did you get baptized if you weren't living being obedient in that area? Were you honest beforehand in your baptismal interview?

It seems you are troubled. I encourage you to read the Miracle of Forgiveness and would ask that you be very careful now about the choices you make. Speak to your bishop about this right away to help direct you more. Pray to Heavenly Father. Seperate from her for a time if you are not married and just dating and focus on your commitment to the gospel. Your relationship with God should be #1

Many new members do go through a period of trials after joining but due to the unique circumstances surrounding your joining that probably added to it. You very well may be experiencing some extra hardships. Wickedness never was happiness. I don't think that it was wise to date a married woman for many reasons. One of the more selfish reasons for you is how can you trust your relationship with her or God if she did not live up to the commitments she made to either? If she did not make clear to you what her standards were?

If you're looking for an everything is alright for the past I don't think it can be given by man. Whats done is done. On the other hand you really have to be careful what your future choices are. You can change them. Hopefully you'll do it under the direction of God himself. Your past can't be changed it is written in stone. Use it to humble yourself and lead you to repent and find direction. The future , however, is another story. If you want a happy future follow Gods plan. There may be some rough riding in the beginning but in the end you won't be sorry. If you continue to make poor choices, though it may seem easier but you will in the long run be only troubled and sorry.

May you find and follow the right path.

CTR Brother

Hi everyone.

I'm new to this site and a recent LDS member. I have been struggling with my faith since I got baptised. This has probably resulted from being in a relationship with an inactive, separated member for 2 years.

Anyway my question is regarding having a relationship with a separated person before they get divorced. I started a relationship with this woman over 2 years ago. She was a member of the church, although inactive and I was not a member at the time, or of any church for that matter. About 7 months ago after having a lot of difficulties in our relationship and our own personal lives, my fiancée as she was at the time decided she needed to return to the church. As we had been living together, it was a very difficult decision for her to make, one which i was in full support of for her to be happy. About a month later for various different reasons, I had the missionaries around at my house giving me the gospel talks. All this time I was inquiring of my fiancée of how we should behave and how much we should see of each other. Two months later I was baptised.

So my question/s revolve around whether or not I should have been having a relationship with this person for a number of reasons:

1. She was still married to someone and was becoming active in the church again, therefore I should have been more aware of the church's position/counsel on this.

2. When I joined the church later I should have known it was wrong to be dating someone who was still married.

3. I should have put more energy into strengthening my own testimony as a new member rather than pursuing a relationship that may(or not) have been doomed from the start.

As I see it now, I think a lot of the difficulties we were having was the opposition we both faced joining/rejoining the church. And maybe also because we were not supposed to be having a relationship.

I'd appreciate any thoughts, thanks.

Coleman

[a-train]

Ditch that scandalous loose woman quick! Run while you are still fresh out of the baptismal font!

I mean RUN fella! RUN!!!

She sounds like she is looking for Trouble with a CAPITAL T!

I am CERTAIN there are some nice honeys who are in a better position for you to be dating than this one with all the baggage. DUMP this @#$#$# and never look back.

If she is not ready for you, PEACE! You don't have a lifetime to waste waiting on some broad to figure out her marital status. Go out and play the field while the game is on! Don't get hung up on the first play.

GOD BLESS YA SON!

-a-train

[the_jason]

Three thoughts:

1. Stay away

2. Stay away

3. STAY AWAY

No good can come if you have relations, no matter how minor they are, with another person if one or both of you are married. Do not go on dates with her, do not be alone with her, do not flirt with her, do not do anything you would not do with a member of your ward.

Do not worry about how far you can go, but rather how far you can stay away. If it's meant to be, the Lord will provide a way. In the meantime you are only asking for trouble.

[rosie321]

Loved the posts. Great advice.

Three thoughts:

1. Stay away

2. Stay away

3. STAY AWAY

No good can come if you have relations, no matter how minor they are, with another person if one or both of you are married. Do not go on dates with her, do not be alone with her, do not flirt with her, do not do anything you would not do with a member of your ward.

Do not worry about how far you can go, but rather how far you can stay away. If it's meant to be, the Lord will provide a way. In the meantime you are only asking for trouble.

Ditch that scandalous loose woman quick! Run while you are still fresh out of the baptismal font!

I mean RUN fella! RUN!!!

She sounds like she is looking for Trouble with a CAPITAL T!

I am CERTAIN there are some nice honeys who are in a better position for you to be dating than this one with all the baggage. DUMP this @#$#$# and never look back.

If she is not ready for you, PEACE! You don't have a lifetime to waste waiting on some broad to figure out her marital status. Go out and play the field while the game is on! Don't get hung up on the first play.

GOD BLESS YA SON!

-a-train

[the_jason]

Ok I just reread your post. You were living with her while she was still married? You referred to her as your fiancee'?? Are you insane???

While I'm not as dramatic as a-train I agree with his point. This is not healthy. You should have NO relationship with her while she is married. Stay away while she figures out her marriage. Like I said in my last post, the Lord will make it happen if it's meant to be.

[Coleman]

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Edited September 27, 2012 by Coleman

[rosie321]

I'm glad that you've recognized that what you are doing was not right. That conviction helps you know the spirit is working.

Hopefully you will continue to learn and grow in the gospel while listening to the spirit. If you know its wrong don't do it. Repent and follow Gods commands.

As in above post, you can't change your past. But you can repent and make sure you're future doesn't turn out the same (or worse). Get healed of your past. Then go and sin no more:)

<div class='quotemain'>

Heres a few questions for you

Are you still living with her?

She was married but separated? Is she divorced now?

What are your feelings for her?

Are you willing to give her up if called upon to follow the will of God?

No, I'm not living with her. She moved out when she rejoined the church

Yes, she was separated, but not yet divorced. She' still not divorced.

My feelings are all over the place now since I realised what we were doing was wrong. Also as I said, we were having a lot of difficulties in our relationship. I do love her, but at the same time I know I cannot covet someone else's wife....what's more important? My feelings or God's commandment?

Yes I am willing to give her up to follow the will of God.

[Coleman]

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Edited September 27, 2012 by Coleman

[rosie321]

I do love her, but at the same time I know I cannot covet someone else's wife....what's more important? My feelings or God's commandment?

Yes I am willing to give her up to follow the will of God

. Following the will of God is always the best choice . What can she give you that God can't? Who knows God's probably got a decent, unmarried, faithful Latterday Saint women already lined up for you. You just won't be able to recieve her if you're hanging around where you shouldn't be.

I have to clarify that when we first met, I wasn't a member of the church. It was not an issue for me that she was married and not yet divorced. It probably should have been for her though, although she was inactive so I guess I thought it was ok.

When she became active again i guess I was assured that it was ok to commit to each other while she was going through her divorce. Like I said, i know different now. When I became a member I was still learning how to conduct myself differently and with her being a long-time member (16 years), I would ask her for advice most of the time.

You didn't know it was Ok. Now you do. She should have but she wasn't faithful to her commitments. I think you should find other sources for LDS information. Stop trusting someone that is not faithful. The spirit cannot be ok with her sins and therefore will not be able to reside with her. You can see that what she is doing isn't right. Don't let your personal feelings and care for her stand in your way of doing what's right. Flee from temptation

I'm glad you came to this site. There are a lot of great people who can help you. We're routing for you!

[Coleman]

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Edited September 27, 2012 by Coleman

[Brother Dorsey]

<div class='quotemain'>

Ok I just reread your post. You were living with her while she was still married? You referred to her as your fiancée'?? Are you insane???

While I'm not as dramatic as a-train I agree with his point. This is not healthy. You should have NO relationship with her while she is married. Stay away while she figures out her marriage. Like I said in my last post, the Lord will make it happen if it's meant to be.

Jason, maybe i didn't write my first post very well. We met 2 years ago and I knew nothing about the church. I was not a member of any church( although I was brought up as a Catholic). We fell in love and got engaged quickly. At that time I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. I did ask but she said she was inactive in the church so it wouldn't affect her.

I am glad that I became a member of the church and that my standards have changed so much now. Even if it means I can't be with the person I fell in love with.

Coleman....You can be with the one you love....Just a little advice......if she really loves you and visa versa you and her will keep your emotions in check and keep your relationship with each other strictly friendly (as about as friendly as a brother and sister) NO DATING! until she is divorced and legally single...then you can pick up where you left off (except not live together and be chaste). Being a member of the church and still being married and dating is wrong....she, I am sure knows this and will be going through a repentance process.....you need to respect that.....the Lord loves her no matter what and will forgive her if she goes through the process...the first step is not dating until she is divorced...the second is asking for forgiveness....and possibly talking to her Bishop if she was married in the Temple and broke those covanents. It will take time and in the end, if the Lord has meant it to be, you and her can be together....think about it...wouldn't it be wonderful to be worthy to marry in the Lords Temple? It would be worth the wait. Be strong in your faith....support her in her process....trust me, it will be worth it! The Lord loves you and her more than you could ever know! Enjoy the journey

[rosie321]

I have to disagree with a portion of your response Brother Dorsey..

In my opinion he should have as you said no more than a sisterly relationship. NO DATING. As long as she's married. I agree more with the posts above. Stay far from her. I cannot see it doing Coleman any good.

The more I think about it the more I can't see any reason to stay with her except for allowing his natural man get the better of him. This woman does not honor the commitments she has made-how can you trust her to stay with him? She encouraged him to sin. How can that be love? Where is she staying now? If she starts living the gospel better maybe there's a possibility that her current temple marriage can be salvaged.

I realize change and repentance are possibilities thanks to the gospel. On the other hand I can not see any good coming to Coleman by ever going back to her. He's better off building himself in the gospel and finding a strong woman that lives it. Going back to her given their history may only drag him away from the Lord rather than towards.

Those are just my opinions of course.

<div class='quotemain'>

<div class='quotemain'>

Ok I just reread your post. You were living with her while she was still married? You referred to her as your fiancée'?? Are you insane???

While I'm not as dramatic as a-train I agree with his point. This is not healthy. You should have NO relationship with her while she is married. Stay away while she figures out her marriage. Like I said in my last post, the Lord will make it happen if it's meant to be.

Jason, maybe i didn't write my first post very well. We met 2 years ago and I knew nothing about the church. I was not a member of any church( although I was brought up as a Catholic). We fell in love and got engaged quickly. At that time I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. I did ask but she said she was inactive in the church so it wouldn't affect her.

I am glad that I became a member of the church and that my standards have changed so much now. Even if it means I can't be with the person I fell in love with.

Coleman....You can be with the one you love....Just a little advice......if she really loves you and visa versa you and her will keep your emotions in check and keep your relationship with each other strictly friendly (as about as friendly as a brother and sister) NO DATING! until she is divorced and legally single...then you can pick up where you left off (except not live together and be chaste). Being a member of the church and still being married and dating is wrong....she, I am sure knows this and will be going through a repentance process.....you need to respect that.....the Lord loves her no matter what and will forgive her if she goes through the process...the first step is not dating until she is divorced...the second is asking for forgiveness....and possibly talking to her Bishop if she was married in the Temple and broke those covanents. It will take time and in the end, if the Lord has meant it to be, you and her can be together....think about it...wouldn't it be wonderful to be worthy to marry in the Lords Temple? It would be worth the wait. Be strong in your faith....support her in her process....trust me, it will be worth it! The Lord loves you and her more than you could ever know! Enjoy the journey

[BenRaines]

And here am I the hardcase saying "If they have found love then get their acts together and have a wonderful life together."

Coleman has made the first step by finding the church and keeping his covenants. His former girlfriend, wife of another, could lose her membership in the church and have a long road back. If they are truly in love and not only lust then they can work it out.

Repentance is grand and the great blessing we have from the Atonement.

Ben Raines

[the_jason]

I think Coleman has made it clear that he knows better now that he is a member. Let's not crucify him anymore.

Coleman, you came here for advice and several of us have given it. As great as the people on LDS Talk are there are 2 sources that are even better. Read your scriptures and speak with the Lord. If you are humble in those tasks you will be guided in the way of righteousness.

FYI, seperated is still married. Having any kind of relationship with someone who is seperated is just as harmful.

[rosie321]

the_jason- My comments were not to crucify him. Whats done in the past is done. I'm happy that he has found the gospel and is making sincere strides to follow. It will only bless his life. The concern for me, he did ask for opinions, is for any future dealing with this woman. It is true that he has been given the spirit to guide him but needs to be wary of the advesary too. He needs to do all that he can do to stay close to God and push away those things that might pull him away. I can't help but think this woman may pull him away.

And here am I the hardcase saying "If they have found love then get their acts together and have a wonderful life together."

As always I have to ask questions that don't necessarily have to be answered on this board but to oneself and with the Lord. These are kind of personal. Didn't she find love with her HUSBAND too at one time? Will she go back to him? What was her reason for leaving? Might she ever return to him? Was she honest about why she left? What do the husbands family and friends think about his relationship with her? (coleman does represent the gospel now and should be a light)

What was Colemans and her love based in origionally? Honestly.

Coleman has made the first step by finding the church and keeping his covenants. His former girlfriend, wife of another, could lose her membership in the church and have a long road back. If they are truly in love and not only lust then they can work it out.

Its great that Coleman has made the steps which is the basis for my concern. Why put his life on hold, get dragged into their messed up marriage situation. Right now he has the chance at a fresh start. To not be known as the "other man." He has begun the repentance process. Why wait for this woman to get her head straightened out?

Maybe they do have a deep love that can handle anything.

Yes love does sometimes win out but its not always the fairytale ending that some would like to make it out to be either. This is where my concern lies. He's going to have quite a challenging future if he seeks to stay with this woman. When asked an opinion on something and I see potential danger ahead I cannot be silent.

[Coleman]

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Edited September 27, 2012 by Coleman

[rosie321]

Coleman,

What help and advice are you looking for from us on this matter? We don't know all the detail of your situation and are limited as to our help.

The only thing I disagree with is that people's advice and opinions here are crucifying me. :) Keep them coming, I need all the help I can get.

I think the major points have been made already.

1. Stay away from her or in the very least act at all times within proper moral boundaries in keeping with your new commitments.

2. When the proper time comes if you choose to resume your relationship then do so

3. What has happened previously does not matter now. You can change and be different. You can be forgiven. Repent of what you might have done. Getting baptized, if done sincerely, is a huge step in that area.

4. Repentance is possible for both of you.

5. The best source for what to do is prayer, scriptures , and other good readings (ie writings of the prophets, Ensign etc). Let the spirit lead you.

6. We can only give our opinions.

7. We cannot make your difficulties go away or choose your next step for you.

8. This woman and her husband as it appears have made some poor choices. How much do you want to get wrapped up into the aftermath?

9. What kind of future can you honestly have with her.

10. Work within the Lords time and will. If its meant to be it will be. YOu will know and have a surety.

Right now God may be wanting to work in your life.

I'm not certain what else there is to add to that without becoming utterly annoying or repetitive. I think those are the basic points made that YOU need to heavily weigh. We cannot make your decision for you.

May you make wise ones is my prayer for you.

<div class='quotemain'>

I have to disagree with a portion of your response Brother Dorsey..

In my opinion he should have as you said no more than a sisterly relationship. NO DATING. As long as she's married. I agree more with the posts above. Stay far from her. I cannot see it doing Coleman any good.

The more I think about it the more I can't see any reason to stay with her except for allowing his natural man get the better of him. This woman does not honour the commitments she has made-how can you trust her to stay with him? She encouraged him to sin. How can that be love? Where is she staying now? If she starts living the gospel better maybe there's a possibility that her current temple marriage can be salvaged.

I realize change and repentance are possibilities thanks to the gospel. On the other hand I can not see any good coming to Coleman by ever going back to her. He's better off building himself in the gospel and finding a strong woman that lives it. Going back to her given their history may only drag him away from the Lord rather than towards.

Those are just my opinions of course.

Hi Rosie I appreciate all your input in this. You have made good points about her commitment to the Gospel. I have been having doubts about what type of person she is. She preaches all the right standards and is well versed in the church's teachings but as you said, does she really live them herself?

You asked again "Where is she staying now?" Sorry I thought I made this clear, she moved out of my house when she returned to the church. I was baptised into the church about three months later. What she told me when she returned to the church was: "We can still be together/ date as long as we live like 2 young adults would before they get married" ....i'm just paraphrasing here.

I have to also clarify her current marriage situation:

She does not have a temple marriage. She has never been to the temple. Her husband/ex is temple endowed but he is inactive and living in sin with another church member. She said she never loved him and they will never get back together again.

I have been having all these thoughts that you have mentioned Rosie. It's great to hear someone else's perspective on it. I have been really worried about our past history. Although I have also been thinking about what Ben said about repentance being grand and the blessings we get from it.

Thank you Rosie and Ben, keep giving me your thoughts.

I think Coleman has made it clear that he knows better now that he is a member. Let's not crucify him any more.

Coleman, you came here for advice and several of us have given it. As great as the people on LDS Talk are there are 2 sources that are even better. Read your scriptures and speak with the Lord. If you are humble in those tasks you will be guided in the way of righteousness.

FYI, separated is still married. Having any kind of relationship with someone who is separated is just as harmful.

Hi Jason.

I agree with everything you said apart from one thing. Reading scriptures and praying to the Lord is the best way to get the answered I need. I have struggled to be humble enough at times to do so though.

The only thing I disagree with is that people's advice and opinions here are crucifying me. :) Keep them coming, I need all the help I can get.

Thanks Jason and everyone else too.

[Coleman]

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Edited September 27, 2012 by Coleman

[rosie321]

Ok so, moving on. :) (I don't know why i'm smiling) As I said, this is a very complicated situation. I do have another problem with this. When I met this woman and fell in love, we developed very strong feelings for each other. I know some of them were because we were living unrighteously and were lustful. Nevertheless there are still genuine feelings of love there. My problem is this: I will not have any sort of relationship with her any more till she is divorced at least. I want to improve my life and grow in the Gospel and my testimony. So, while i'm getting on with my life one of the things I must do is make new friends( I don't have any friends at the moment) to interact with. Almost certainly I will make friends with some female along the way (I may have already). Should I wait to see what happens when this woman gets a divorce or do I move on and believe it is what the Lord wants me to do. I mean i could be a long time before we could even contemplate a relationship together. On the other hand it could be a test of my faith if I waited till she is ready, then I might be ready too. We were even making plans for our wedding(I know, I know).

I'm not looking for definitive answers, just opinions. I know that only I can decide.

In my opinion from what you've said...

1. Make your relationship with the God and His gospel a #1 priority-which it appears you are doing to the best of your abilities. Do what is right and what you learn to be true.

2. Follow through with your plan of developing friendships. Thats a first place to start. Everyone needs friends to balance you out. You'll learn many valuable things and have honest connections to help guide you through life and decisions. You will learn many wonderful things such as how to handle deeper relationships. Sometimes they can be useful in helping you identify and choose a mate that would be best for you.

3. I think your last focus should be on obtaining a mate right now. If you are led that way then fine A good marriage is a deep friendship/ love bound forever. Therefore I'd put my focus on developing good, clean friendship connections first. A marriage is one of the biggest commitments you'll ever make-2nd to the gospel. You are creating a three way partnership. God -you-your mate. Be very careful who you pick. Don't rush into it. I think too many people do and regret it later. Make sure its done with the help of God. A marriage will not take away existing problems. It magnifies them. Its important to learn the tools to handle them.

Right now considering all the issues you've been dealing with and your recent conversion I wouldn't make finding a mate my primary focus. You've got enough to deal with. Haste makes waste as the saying goes. If this woman is meant to be she will be there when you are truly ready.

You may want to be there for her and keep your commitment. But can you really be there when you are just finding yourself? I think right now you should figure out if that was a commitment that should have been made in the first place. Also if its a commitment that conflicts with the Will of God for your life. Plus I'm not sure she held up her part right from the start (knowingly or not). You need to work out other things in your life before rushing into such a deep commitment. If this is a commitment that should be upheld and you are following the gospel you will be led back to fulfill it.

Just to add another thought-

Also if the woman you commited to is of any value she should understand your waiting and working things out. she should be happy that you are trying to get your life in order so you can really be there and truly give yourself to her.

[the_jason]

Should I wait to see what happens when this woman gets a divorce or do I move on and believe it is what the Lord wants me to do?

Only the Lord can answer that.