Drowning in my marriage...

[atpeace421]

It feels like I am drowning in my marriage due to my husband's possible pornography addiction.

Here is some background information:

Both Lds, married for 2 years, together 4 years, husband is recovering alcoholic, and we have a 11 month-old baby.

My husband and I both have smartphones that allow us to search the internet. I had used his phone to search something a few months back, and previous web searches popped up that sounded alarming. They were pictures of naked women! I felt like I was going to throw up. He was asleep at this time, and so I confronted him calmly the following morning. He acted dumb/confused saying that he got an email that had a random link he accidentally clicked on trying to find out what it was. When I brought up that the sites were physically searched in google, he changed his story saying yeah I googled it to see what it was. That he would never look at porn....blah blah blah.

He ended up coming clean that he did look up that site and it wasn't a big deal.

We worked through it as he promised he didn't have a "problem" with it.

Fast forward to now. He constantly deletes his web browser history (yes, I check), when we are intimate he seems like he is acting out things he possibly views. There is no love in the process anymore. I feel like a prostitute sometimes. I bawl my eyes out silently while all this is happening. I also found disguisting porno mags in his backpack last weekend. His excuse was he found them at the bus stop, and he didn't want a kid to find them, and I had pulled the car up before he could throw them away. I have no access to his bank account. What do I do? He is deleting and denying everything!! I fell like I'm going crazy. I wish I could see what he is deleting!!

[Bini]

First, I'm very sorry you're going through this. Second, I've gone through it but without children in the mix. Third, even though your child is young, your priority here is to protect your child. I know it can feel like a dead-end when voicing your concerns to a spouse that denies or hides things. Have you considered counselling? A middle-person might be key to initially breaking down some of those barriers and in a non-confrontational way. Lastly, you may want to get yourself checked out by a doctor in case there has been any physical infidelity as well.

[person122]

He is totally an addict and lying too you. It is a common problem in the church. The church has recovery programs. Figure out which filters will work for your family. You guys might have to work with the bishop or counseling on this one. He eyes seem very clouded.

[atpeace421]

Bini! Thank you for your response. It makes me feel not so alone. We were actually seeing a marriage counselor, but my husband will not go back whatsoever after the counselor wanted to talk about the nitty gritty of our marriage. The counselor is a former Bishop, by the way. Now that he doesn't want to go to the counselor. I feel at a dead end. That is scary to think he was possibly intimate with someone else. I will get checked!

[applepansy]

The following link is to a site that might be helpful.

A Better Mormon | Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

[atpeace421]

Person, so you believe that he is lieing? Is there something that really stands out to you regarding that?

I feel like he is gaslightening me on the whole thing.

[Guest]

Addicts lie. The signs are there. Listen to your gut.

[person122]

Person, so you believe that he is lieing? Is there something that really stands out to you regarding that?

I feel like he is gaslightening me on the whole thing.

You found pictures he searched for. He "ended up coming clean". A truly repentant person will be upfront a tell you. He is constantly deleting his web browser history. He "found" porno mags and put them in his backpack. A rational person would not do that. All classic signs. He can not do this by himself. It has to come out into the light so he can see what is going on.

[Just_A_Guy]

FWIW: One of the things that really helped me was when Just_A_Girl lovingly, calmly looked me in the eyes and said "JAG, I know. And I won't put up with it, and your getting help is a condition to our continued marriage."

Don't engage his denials or his arguments. Don't go into how you know, and even if it's true don't admit that you aren't really sure (frankly, it's OK to bluff a little in this case. What, you think he's been completely on the up-and-up with you?) Just stick with the "I know, and I expect you to fix this."

Edited November 22, 2013 by Just_A_Guy

[atpeace421]

Wow! Some very powerful responses, and I thank you for that. I think I am nervous to sit him down, and say that is due to his reaction in one our counseling sessions. The counselor questioned him about the websites "mysteriously" on his phone months ago and he blew up on me. He was very defensive, and told the counselor that he was thinking of separating due to me never being able to trust him. That it was only a one time deal. He was not addicted. So, in his eyes he didn't want to work on anything. Somehow he settled down that night, but I am afraid if I bring it up now. He will leave saying "he is not a sicko, why would I accuse him of such a gross thing." I know it won't end well.......

[person122]

. The counselor questioned him about the websites "mysteriously" on his phone months ago and he blew up on me. He was very defensive, and told the counselor that he was thinking of separating due to me never being able to trust him.....

Another sign.

[Roseslipper]

i am sorry that you are going thru this. i am sure its a very hard thing if you want to work it out pray to the greatest physican of all for direction, for help, understanding, and healing for your husband as well as yourself. Get a priesthood blessing for yourself ask your bishop 4 one. See if your husband wants one but if he doesnt that doesnt mean he wont he just might not ready 4 that yet. But make sure you get one, put both your names in the temple, ask trusted family and or friends to pray 4 your family they dont need to know the reasons for the extra prayers u r requesting. You will both need counseling for this. As you see your not alone in this problem many have gone thru this. Im sure its a hard road you your husband and family are on. Trust in the Lord to helpyou through this process. Best Wishes xo fromone of your sisters in Christ!!

[Just_A_Guy]

I think I am nervous to sit him down, and say that is due to his reaction in one our counseling sessions.

I would advise against that. You don't owe him a "why". Addicts are manipulative, and they can do tortuous things with "logic" that you never thought possible. Don't play along.

. . . and told the counselor that he was thinking of separating due to me never being able to trust him.

He would never have said that unless a) he really doesn't value the marriage that much, or b) he does value the marriage with him, but thinks you're so smitten with him that you'll overlook everything else to keep the marriage going. Either way, at some point it's time to call his bluff and say "OK, then; some things are worse than being without you."

He will leave saying "he is not a sicko, why would I accuse him of such a gross thing."

I'm probably going to word this wrong, but . . .

It's not "gross", and he's not a "sicko". Sex is a part of life; we (particularly males) are biologically wired to want a lot of it, and developing an unhealthy attachment to graphic or verbal depictions of it is unfortunately quite a normal reaction both chemically and psychologically. That doesn't make it right; but it is most certainly normal.

There's a culture of shame--especially in the Church--attached to terms like "pornography" and "addiction". Guilt is normal and essential; but shame is counterproductive and compounds addiction because it further hinders our ability to see things as they really are. As long as your husband keeps marginalizing porn addicts--and by extension, himself--the healing process cannot not begin.

IMHO, your husband needs an environment where he can talk, openly and frankly and safely, about pornography. He needs to be brought back into a "mainstream" of spiritual communion and socialization--that's why the Church's addiction recovery group meetings are so important. Counseling is a great step in that direction, but I think he'd feel safer with an individual therapist rather than a marriage counselor.

When the recovery process is underway, you might not know everything that he's doing, thinking, feeling, and/or writing as part of recovery. But you should see him going to meetings. You should see him meeting with the bishop occasionally. You should see him doing his dailies--scripture study, prayer, mediation and writing. You should know that he does have an "accountability partner", and know who it is. You should know, in general terms, how long the problem has lasted and what he's doing to overcome it; and he should voluntarily report relapses (yes, there will be relapses) to you.

That's what you should be seeing. The disconnect between that and what you're reporting indicates to me that your husband still needs a bit of a change in attitude. The frustrating thing about that is that you, as a spouse, are going to be a less integral part of that change than you probably think you should--but what you can do to get him to engage the process, you should do, IMHO.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Just_A_Guy