Issues with family hating the church

[FarmerMom]

I know I don't post a lot-just perusing the forums and learning, but I do have a situation I would appreciate some input about.

My husband and children and I (ranging from adults to 1 yo) moved to take care of my grandmother and the family farm 8 months ago. We could live on our own, but it was easier to move in with Gma and handle the farm, etc with living with her. She is a feisty woman who is in profound denial about her limitations (physical and mental) and still thinks she has it all together. She doesn't. There is a nearby relative who is older who doesn't care for me, is quite negative and they get together and get riled up about things I supposedly do. (it's only me that is the target-they love my kids and husband).

Ok there's the background.

My grandmother is pentecostal and HATES Mormons. She is convinced that the missionaries are coming around to try to take her property from her. She says that they will go 'through the back door' to take ranchers property'. SHe says she has heard it her whole life. I call nonsense on it all, try to reason with her and she lets it drop that I am written out of the will should I decide to talk to 'the mormons'.

So no, she doesn't know I have been baptised and that my children and husband are being baptised in the next month. I know a lot of the paranoia goes with her mental state and she knows about as much about the Bible as a cow in the pasture-but now I am put in a tough position. I won't stop being a Mormon. I can't believe the peace I've found but I don't like lying, either and as I am her primary caregiver, if I leave-she won't do well. She can barely fix food for herself...so...do I just keep it quiet?

Am I a bad person if I am dishonest about being LDS to her to keep everything on an even keel?

Any input would be great. Thanks.

[Backroads]

I don't know how this would rank on the honesty scale, but all things considered I would leave out the Mormon factor unless you're directly asked. Having that more stress in her life wouldn't be good for any of you. If it were a more capable relative, I would say yeah, bring it up, but your grandmother doesn't sound able to deal with this information and it's not her fault.

[FarmerMom]

I don't know how this would rank on the honesty scale, but all things considered I would leave out the Mormon factor unless you're directly asked. Having that more stress in her life wouldn't be good for any of you. If it were a more capable relative, I would say yeah, bring it up, but your grandmother doesn't sound able to deal with this information and it's not her fault.

I tend to feel the same way. I'ms truggling with 'I'm an adult and we pay our own way I don't have to answer to you' as well as 'you have got to be kidding me.'

Thanks for the response. :)

[Maureen]

Since your grandmother is not able to process your baptism information reasonably, giving her that information would not be helpful at all for her or yourself. I would not tell her your news.

M.

[NeuroTypical]

Feisty old people with opinions based on ignorance, should have the same love from us as we give folks who interact with us in ways we like. The commandment is to love her. Not argue with her, not correct or educate or inform her, not win arguments with her. Love her.

So, how does she want to be loved? She sounds like someone who is no stranger to arguing with people and stating her opinions over and over and over and over. I'm not sure you're really accomplishing much by trying to keep one thing hidden from her, so she won't argue and state her opinions. But you'd know better than us. Would it be better if she didn't know, or is she missing out on an important opportunity to be feisty and cranky and vocal? Can she stand being in the same room with someone she disagrees with that much? Or does she like to fight, and enjoy having someone with which to fight? Sometimes it is possible to have a loving relationship with someone who hates a lot of things about a lot of people.

Humor might work wonders. As my crotchety old anti-religious father lay on his death bed, this conversation took place:

"You know dad, as soon as you're dead I'm gonna get all three of your wives sealed to you. Is there any order you want them done?"

"Nah - do what you want. They're all in hell anyway."

As far as I can tell, that's what a loving relationship looked like to him. Edited January 2, 2014 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[FarmerMom]

Since your grandmother is not able to process your baptism information reasonably, giving her that information would not be helpful at all for her or yourself. I would not tell her your news.

M.

That's what I'm thinking-she's not in a place to really understand or learn or receive any information about LDS at all. You can't get her to understand anything.

Thanks. :)

[FarmerMom]

Feisty old people with opinions based on ignorance, should have the same love from us as we give folks who interact with us in ways we like. The commandment is to love her. Not argue with her, not correct or educate or inform her, not win arguments with her. Love her.

So, how does she want to be loved? She sounds like someone who is no stranger to arguing with people and stating her opinions over and over and over and over. I'm not sure you're really accomplishing much by trying to keep one thing hidden from her, so she won't argue and state her opinions. But you'd know better than us. Would it be better if she didn't know, or is she missing out on an important opportunity to be feisty and cranky and vocal? Can she stand being in the same room with someone she disagrees with that much? Or does she like to fight, and enjoy having someone with which to fight? Sometimes it is possible to have a loving relationship with someone who hates a lot of things about a lot of people.

Amazing you posted this. Last night when she was in full throttle yelling at me like I'm a five year old (I'm 41) telling me I hate her faith (faith has never been an issue at all, this has come up in the last week) I just hugged her in the middle of her rant. Just hugged her and it defused it all and she broke down-but this morning she has been making up everything she can to prove how evil LDS is. ya know, if it wasn't this it would be something else, I'm sure.

She thinks that if someone loves her then they 'bow down' to her (her words) or they completely agree with her and do what SHE says. When she sees I'm doing my own thing she flips-and I usually argue back-so last night when I hugged her she wasn't expecting it and if chilled everything out.

I will just be quiet about it and it may blow over. I really think that if she doesn't 'see' it it won't occur to her. My biggest problem is not being 'honest' about being a member of the church. I don't like lying outright or by omission but she clearly can't reason about some things. The biggest issue here is her mental state and it's in decline and you just can't reason or explain anything to a mind like that, which is sad.

Thanks.

[FarmerMom]

Another thing to-I love my grandmother. That's why I am caring for her. She is a connection to another time, she grew up in the woods with an outhouse with a father who had been a cowboy-a real one, and her mother was a half native american assemblies of god minister. She became very successful in the phone company and did very well for herself. Her strength is amazing.

But her bad side is her willful ignorance, her meanness and her thinking that people should adore her and follow her like the Gospel. Now she has dementia and her meanness and ignorance are just overboard. So as I said, it's hard to reason with her. I just hate hiding my religion but I guess I have to if she is this convinced it's evil.

[Guest]

This is how I would handle it with my own grandmother (well, this is actually how I handle it with my feisty mother):

She would say some really bad things about LDS, I would say, hey grandma, just wanna let you know, I'm LDS! Ain't that funny? This works on my mother because my mother knows me very very well and loves me very very much and it would give her a mind-twist to associate every crazy thing she attributes to LDS to me. And because I know my mother, I know she'll continue to bash LDS to which I would just smile and ignore or, if it looks like she's asking a question, I'd say, well, actually... the LDS is this. This will be said without a single purpose to defend or argue - only to inform - which she'll either argue with or ignore, both of which will gain a smile from me. I made a rule in my side of the family - we don't talk non-Catholic religion unless they ask. They're all Catholics and there's just one LDS - me. My husband and kids know to just ignore LDS bashing from my family... but they've been pretty good at keeping all that away from my husband and kids. They only bash when I'm the only one there out of respect for my husband, which wouldn't have mattered anyway because my husband is this "whatever floats your boat" kinda guy who can listen to somebody insult him and he'll just stand there like nothing happened and think to himself, "are you done yet?".

Anything my mother says about the LDS faith or people doesn't hurt me. Until today, she still submits my name every week to the Catholic cloistered nuns to pray for. She thinks I need lots and lots of prayers for my salvation and I see this and hear what she says about LDS and I know for a fact that she does this because she truly fears for my soul. That's how much she loves me.

The rest of the time, we argue and fight (over the craziest things like using lunch plates for lunch and dinner plates for dinner) because... it's fun to push my mom's buttons. LOL!

Edited January 2, 2014 by anatess