Moving on from a divorce

[Rimmer]

I have been through a hard divorce that I didn't want. I have five great kids that live with their mom 400 miles away. I am surely not without fault in the failure of our marriage but so much has been pulled away from me that I haven't gotten back on my feet.

I KNOW that my marriage is over and barring some crazy miracle it will never become anything more than two people who have kids together living separate lives.

It has been nearly two and a half years since I found out about her cheating and the start of the divorce. We've been divorced for two years. Even though I know we will never be together (unless we end up together later... as we were sealed), I can't seem to move on.

I have been signed up on a couple singles sites but I really can't picture myself with anyone but my ex. I want to find a nice lady to fall in love with and continue my life. I just can't seem to let go, even knowing it's over and has been for a long time. I just feel so broken hearted and stuck.

Anyone out there who has gone through a divorce have ideas about moving on?

[skippy740]

My idea for you is this: Don't force something that you aren't comfortable with.

My divorce was finalized 15 months ago, after a 3 year separation. When I compare stories about what caused other people's divorce, the reasons behind ours seem so trivial. I'm still kinda confused by it all. (No gambling, no affairs, no cheating, no abuse, etc. Okay, I did have one outburst with one of my kids and I got a little physical, but I never did anything like that again.)

I don't have any ideas about moving on either. I'm on a couple of singles sites, but I'm just 'browsing'. I'm not even a paid member, so the most I do is send a "smile" on occasion.

I would focus on being the best father and role model you can be for your children. If possible, move closer to be with them. I'm only in the next county over (about 30 miles), so it's not that far. I see my kids nearly every weekend. 400 miles must be rough.

The better father you can be for your children, the better you'll feel about yourself, and the better your children will feel about you and even open up to you. I had a great experience a couple of weeks ago. My 10-year-old daughter wanted to talk, but it was late. So we sat on the sofa and we talked. She asked me a few questions... and her last question was "Why are you and mommy divorced?". I answered her on an age-appropriate level. "I still love mommy, but things just weren't working out, and she felt better to live with grandma than with me. Things just happen."

In addition, I'm the cub master and assistant Webelos leader for my ward, so my 8-year old son and I are working on his cub scout activities. He'll have that to look forward to for the next 3 years, along with my 6-year old son, once he starts into it.

Take things slow. Be the best parent you can be. Don't force yourself into anything uncomfortable.

Advice given from someone who hasn't completely moved on yet himself.

[Roseslipper]

I think the best thing might be to talk to a counselor. Another good thing is to just go ahead and live your life, do things that bring you happiness, take classes might be a good idea things you always wanted to learn. Enjoy!! Join a bowling team or something like that that you enjoy. Get involved in church actitvies, mingle.... Continue to work on you and your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus.

[Quin]

Heck... i'm not even broken hearted... but i'm still not over my marriage.

Getting there, though. Maybe.

From an inside/out perspective it seems like there are 4 main groups of people who divorce.

Those who are dating befoe the ink is even dry (or on) the papers.

Those who wait about 2 years.

Those who wait about 5 years.

Those who never date, or who wait until someone who is even more determined than they are outstubborns them.

There are good/healthy, damaged, and broken people in all 4 groups.

Meaning that none is inherantly better than the rest.

What i mostly know about are former SAHPs, and people in abusive marriages (aka cest moi). As a group, most tend to start dating right away, and as a group most tend to start dating a new abuser. Wheee. The stats i looked at showed that in both cases, the 5 year mark seems to be the fork in the road. After 5 years, most tend to date decent people. Also, a lot fewer incidences of boyfriends molesting your kids. Both of which meant I decided not to date for 5 years.

The first year, ALL I wanted was someone to hold me.

After the first year I went "Whoa! Talk about low standards. Apparently my bar is set so low that ARMS are all that are required. Okay, self. Good job on the not dating thing! Lets see if we can raise our standards a bit, shall we?"

After the 2nd year I realized that I needed to be self supporting. Not just in the whole not-setting-myself-up-for-round-2-of-total-financial-ruin (I married young, supported my husband through school, did the whole broke to successful thing, and then wound up beyond broke -massively in debt- following my divorce. Worse off than I was when I got married, and we were on Ramen back then.). Although the not repeating financial ruin thing played a big part, the self-supportive thing really meant having a life I could share with someone. Not only my own money, but work I'm advancing in, friends, hobbies, etc. Essentially, the life I want to live and being the person I want to be. Not some broken winged bird, who is going to change dramatically in the interim.

After the 3rd year, I really started remembering the kind of guy I used to date, get on with, etc. And I started breaking that down, finding parallels, and figuring out why my ex looked like that kind of guy in many ways superficially, but really wasn't. ((As an example, I like cocky, not arrogant. Love the first, abhor the second. They look the same in many ways, but are 180 different. Cocky is high energy self assurance. Arrogance is intense feeling better than other people. One is raising yourself up on your own abilities, the other is raising yoursself up by putting other people down.))

Fourth year is bringing to the forefront all the lovely (not) ways I'm still screwed up from my marriage. Also dealing with a lot of other wreckage. I had thought the numbers showing that former SAHPs take 5 years to get back on their feet to be overly conservative. At this point, I'm afraid it might be optimistic. I am doing nowhere near as well as I thought I'd be at this point. Honestly, it's scaring me. I really thought, in all ways, that I'd be doing better than I am by now. But I just keep finding new and exciting ways that I'm still messed up from 10 years in misery, and everything. just. takes. so. long. to. put. to. rights.

Now... this is just MY journey.

I am not saying you should wait 5 years, nor that these would be the things that you'd discover about yourself, even if you did.

Some people are just fine out the gate, and some people are still messed up even after 10 years. However, for myself, I find that I tend to "be" a statistic, so I went with the statistics for my particular situation. And the status quo remains.

For ME, it's taking time.

Time is what is fixing things.

Slowly.

(darnit).

What I would suggest for you (or anyone) is an impartial 3rd party.

Which is either a counselor, or some really stellar friends.

Both can be a huge help.

Although my warning, there, is not to lose your own sense of self in what either say.

I've had counselors (and friends, neither LDS) who recommend a 1 night stand (or 6).

That's not something I'm willing to do.

I've had counselors (and friends, both LDS) urge me to start dating/looking for marriage super pronto, while I'm still young enough to start (another) family.

That's not something I'm willing to do (remember how low my standards have been! Arms, for crying out loud!)

I've had counselors and friends (both LDS and not) who have been incrediably supportive and helpful.

(Now it sounds like I've had a whole team of psychiatrists. I haven't. But I did do the group DV thing for a bit, and there were several counselors involved there.)

Point being... its easy to get lost inside our own heads, and either just run with that (one example amongst many; either not dating when we're totally ready, or dating when it's the last thing we should be doing)... that an impartial 3rd party can help us sort out.

All my best,

Q

[garryw]

I was able to get over my ex before the divorce was even finalized. Just looking forward to the day my son is 18+ and I can block her from my cell phone permanently. I can tell you it was her cheating, her getting pregnant with son's coach, her filing divorce, her demanding thousands in monthly alimony but at the end of the day it was ALL clearly to my benefit.

I even have a new eternal companion 2.0 with moral values.

During my divorce I posted this scripture on my bathroom mirror:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God

[ACommonMan]

Like Garry, I believe I will be in Quin's first group.

My story...

Yes, I was significantly to "blame". No, I did not want to divorce. But over the past 15 months, I have made peace with the fact that it will happen. (papers are in the judge's hands now, so it could be final in just a week or two)

Like Quin, I know that I am in my own head a little too much. In general, I expect to be a serial first dater for the next year. I haven't even had a first date in 23 years, so I need to learn how to do the whole dating thing again. I currently have several artificial limitations in my head. (my ex was older than me, so the next won't be. etc...) I am sure that over time I will settle into a bit more reality.

As for why I don't see a need to wait... I need to have hope in a future. I need to learn that I am a decent guy, despite what she says. I need to learn who I am without her and how that person will interact with others.

How did I go from not wanting a divorce to being ready to date? Honestly, it was prayer. Once the Lord let me know that, even though He didn't want me to be divorced, it was going to happen and I needed to accept that. Then I prayed to get over her. That, truth be told, lead to beginning to hate her. Then I prayed that I could love her as a daughter of God and move on. That last one was a two weeks straight, morning and night, commitment.

Now I am in a place where I am accepting of the things I cannot change and looking forward to the next chapter.