Is my marriage over?

[Seashell2014]

My husband will have been together for ten years as of May this year, married for eight as of January 2014. We have two kids together and my oldest is from a previous marriage. So three total. I was raised in the church but became inactive for a while and got married, then divorced, then remarried to my husband. Things were good for a while. Then we had some problems in 2008 and we both were unfaithful. It was something we decided to work through though and we stayed together. I started going back to church about a year after that and because of church among other things I was going to leave him but I found out I was pregnant with our son. That was 2010. We still argue about money, church, lots of stuff. He yells at me, puts me down and just generally doesn't respect me. He has been a truck driver since 2009 so he is never home but when he is he wants things a certain way and doesn't want to do anything. His weight has gotten out of control and he now weighs about 500 pounds. I can't get through to him to do anything about that either. So things in the bedroom aren't exactly great as well. We have always lived in the city, but over the years he has spent a lot of money on hunting and now he wants to move to the middle of nowhere so he can buy hunting property. I don't want to, his whole family is from a small town, but I like it here. I am sure I have my faults as well, but it makes me wonder if we are even right for each other at all. He has made it clear he has no intention of ever joining the church and he has only ever shown up for my oldest daughters baptism and our sons birth announcement and blessing. I am sad and frustrated because I feel like I am just prolonging the inevitable and putting my kids through a bad example of what marriage should be. I have been given blessings and continue to try and talk with the bishop, but I know in the end I am just going to have to make a choice. It makes it hard to do that though because ever time I get frustrated enough to start getting ready to leave he starts being nice. Just long enough till things level out, then he goes back to the way he was. Just wondered if anyone had a similar situation.

[Quin]

I'm so sorry Seashell.

There are several of us on here who are divorced.

Although all of our stories are different, I'm sure most of us can relate to the awful awful prolonging dance of things getting just enough better to keep us in longer than we should be.

Similarly, I know a lot of long term healthy marriages who do, or have done, a similar dance, but with things getting better instead of worse.

The confusion & doubt as to the best course, and which way that dance is heading, is often even more painful than staying whatever course has been chosen (marriage or divorce).

Q

[skippy740]

"Being right for each other" is about commitment, not the absence of disagreement.

The cheating is in the past. Let it stay there.

Arguing about "money, church, lots of stuff"... is normal.

BTW, you married him without him being a member of the church. That was okay back then. Are you changing your mind about what's acceptable in your spouse now? Why are you changing the rules on him?

Are you asking for permission to get out of your marriage? Or are you looking for a way to work through these problems?

You didn't mention if you were or have seen a marriage counselor? That would probably be more productive than to "try and talk with the bishop".

Edited February 17, 2014 by skippy740

[Seashell2014]

Skippy, no you're right I did marry him as a non member so in that respect I am the one who has changed what I want. Being sealed as a family has become something I want and I want to be sealed to my children. We have seen several counselors but it only lasts a session or two and then he won't go back. I don't want sympathy. I am more tired of the yelling and name calling. My oldest daughter gets really upset when goes off on me.

[Backroads]

What's your support system outside of your immediate family like?

[Seashell2014]

I have a couple friends and know a couple people in the ward. Im not really sure what you mean.

[skippy740]

Skippy, no you're right I did marry him as a non member so in that respect I am the one who has changed what I want. Being sealed as a family has become something I want and I want to be sealed to my children.

Good. You admit that you changed what you wanted. What you want is a righteous desire... but so is staying with your husband 'even if'. Even if he never joins the church, etc. As long as he is treating you well. Which will go into my next point...

We have seen several counselors but it only lasts a session or two and then he won't go back.

Does he sense that something isn't working in the marriage? Maybe he is in denial? Does he want to work on the marriage?

I don't want sympathy. I am more tired of the yelling and name calling. My oldest daughter gets really upset when goes off on me.

This is exactly what the problem is. Everything else is just "piled on". Your marriage needs to focus on this... and let everything else be a part of your "someday maybe wish-list" like him joining the Church and being sealed. It may happen one day, but that's not the immediate problem to be addressed right now.

Let me ask you this: Why do you want to be sealed to a man who is yelling at you and name calling? My GUESS is that you want the blessings of a temple sealing, and you love your husband enough to want that blessing with him. However, you also know that your marriage (as it is) is not a "Celestial Marriage".

Part of the solution is clarifying the problem. I don't have exact advice for you as I'm a divorced man myself. But if you can pinpoint the problem, and the roots to that problem, you're more than 50% of the way to helping to either solve it... or to just live with it.

[Backroads]

I have a couple friends and know a couple people in the ward. Im not really sure what you mean.

Well, when you're struggling in any relationship, you need a place outside the relationship to turn to for rejuvination. A support system.