Severity of Adultery

[The Folk Prophet]

Nope... but a person will not die without being married either...  Doesn't mean it is good.

 

Generally speaking without sex a man might start feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated... etc.  I am sure everyone understand what those feelings are and how toxic they can be in a marriage (No matter which spouse they come from)

 

Of course, feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated... etc., in no way justifies sin.

 

Just thought it out to be said. :)

[Misshalfway]

Nope... but a person will not die without being married either...  Doesn't mean it is good.

 

Generally speaking without sex a man might start feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated... etc.  I am sure everyone understand what those feelings are and how toxic they can be in a marriage (No matter which spouse they come from)

 

Yeah.  Which is why it's so important to figure out the core issues.

 

I'm not a guy so I'll never really know what it is to hold the burden of a male sex drive, but I do think I know that it's hard for women to open sexually when there isn't emotional trust.

 

I don't think withholding or punishing with sex, or anything else for that matter, helps anything.  But if a women doesn't feel safe, closing down sexually might be an indicator she isn't getting what she needs either.

 

Perhaps it's hard not to feel victimized when sex feels withheld, but I think it would go a long way if men could diagnose the symptoms a little more and addressing core issues than just reacting with resentment.....and in this case other rather self destructive reactions.

[Misshalfway]

I feel very ashamed coming here and admitting that I have crossed a line I never thought I would. My wife and I have been struggling within the marriage for many years and just last month my wife indicated to me that I am "cut off" from any kind of sexual activity with her until the relationship improves which was devastating. I should also mention that I have been inactive in the church for many years while my wife has been faithfully active along with our children.

I have struggled with alcohol as well and one day after an argument about the topic of sex, I stormed out of the house and went to a bar and of course attempted to "drown my sorrows". In the process I ended up talking to a woman and eventually I found myself at her apartment. While intercourse wasn't involved there was "heavy petting" involved. I felt tremendously guilty and scared the next day after the alcohol wore off. I felt the exact opposite of how I thought I was going to feel. I felt resentment and anger about being deprived from my wife but I do not justify what I did either. I am inactive but I have felt like I should reach out to the bishop of my ward on this. I am terrified that if I tell my wife then she will divorce me immediately and I will not be able to see my children as often anymore. We are in counseling too and I know eventually I am going to have to bring this up. I feel so ashamed and guilty and terrified.

Did I indeed commit adultery to a point of being excommunicated? I feel so lost and completely depressed. I don't know what to do.

I think you do know what to do.  I think you know exactly what to do.  You are just scared.  Really really understandable.  Don't worry about the excommunication though.  I really think that happens more when people are not repentant.

 

What I worry about more is that you might not know how to deal with problems.  Sounds like you've been practicing reactivity and self pity for a while now.  I suppose I don't need to tell you that drinking away your sorrows doesn't work. Yes?  And that it often makes normal garden variety problems much worse than they ever needed to be.  I don't know.  I hate to see anyone in pain but maybe for you, this is the pain you need to help you finally learn a better way of coping.

 

It's a really understandable fear to wonder how your wife will react.  I'd say plan on her being really hurt and really angry and really reactive at first, at least until she can come to grips with the wrecking ball that is headed her way.  If there is any possible way you can keep yourself empathetic and out of the blindness of your own pain, that could go a long way to helping things.  Not that healing is going to be fast or smooth .... just that there's enough pain here already.  Do what you can to contain it.  Like owning your mistakes.  Owning your role in why the sex was issue in the first place.  Owning your need to act out and how it may have impacted others even before your actions escalated this far.  If you can do that with yourself, and bishop, and you wife, and God, you'll be in a good place for healing to happen for you.

 

If you play the victim card, dude....you might as well squirt propane on the fire.  I mean, not having sex really bites.  But that's the symptom of the problem, not the problem.  You know?

Edited December 14, 2014 by Misshalfway