When to move? Marriage advice.

[Iggy]

Maybe if you loved and respect him he would see that he is worthy of love and respect and he would treat his body with respect and love. MY sis in law treats my brother the way you describe and he gets to feeling so worthless and hopeless because of it that he eats even more.  I have been happy married for more than two decades and I have learned that a man will do anything to please you if they know they are loved, adored and treated as the most special person in the world.

Wish we could Like multiple times. Like, Like, Like, Agree with, Agree with. 

 

Want to add: You need to Respect and love yourself too.

[Backroads]

Not in the relationship or able to properly view it, but I'm more concerned about the fact he was unwilling to get a job than his weight. 

 

So are you more bothered by laziness/apathy or his actual weight problem?

[notquiteperfect]

So are you more bothered by laziness/apathy or his actual weight problem?

The underlying issue for both could be depression.

[notquiteperfect]

Litsy - Although this thread started off on the wrong foot, you've since gotten some great feedback and I will add:

 

~Three years is hardly enough time to give up on someone.
~I'm glad you feel he is your best friend.  Focus on that!

~Keep in mind that what you fear, you create and what you focus on gets bigger so start focusing on the positive.
~Extra weight is a protective barrier so until your husband feels it's safer to be thin, he won't be (read "The Gabriel Method" by John Gabriel).  The underlying emotions need to be dealt with.

[dahlia]

 

He refused to get out and find a job literally until the day I gave birth to our son. I feel is is neglecting his family.

 

I'm going to guess that there is lingering anger over this issue. The weight thing just makes it worse. I'm not going to harp on you because his weight bothers you. It's one thing to be a bit overweight, but I gather he is very large. I don't know if I could deal with that type of weight, coupled with an unwillingness to change. Yes, there's 'for better or worse,' but for me, that's more like staying with someone who gets sick or crippled in a car accident, not somebody who is purposefully eating himself to death.

 

Years ago, I read some advice that I've found to be very helpful. People tell you who they are when you meet them. You knew he was overweight. You knew he wasn't or wouldn't work. Yet you sent forward with the deal and married him. You might want to ask yourself 'why' and what did you get from marrying someone like that? Do you want to be in control? This works fine if the other person wants to be controlled, but not so much if the person won't take your direction. I'm just putting a little pop psychology out there, because if you do leave him, you need to think long and hard about what got you into a marriage with someone like that in the first place.

 

btw -  I have heard of many LDS men refusing to work, even when their families suffer because of it. What is up with that? I'd think that if one was living by the tenents of the Church, an able bodied person would have to work. It's one thing for couples to decide that one will stay home with the kids (even if that's the husband), it's another for all the burden to be on one person because the other refuse to work. I can't even imagine being with someone like that.