Making a new start

[Dolores Humperdinck]

Hello everyone. I hope that you could possibly help me with this, and maybe if someone else feels the same way, my question might be able to help them, too.

 

I got lessons from the missionaries, and after a couple of months, they said that I should consider baptism. I declined, and told them I felt like it was too soon. The real reason was that I didn't want to get baptised. I didn't believe that Joseph Smith had restored the church, and I didn't believe in the Book of Mormon or the Bible. Simply put, I had never moved from my atheist stance, even though I had been getting lessons from the missionaries.

 

Sometime in October of last year, however, they asked me again if I would like to get baptised. At first, I was hesitant, but they rationalised it and said that I had been getting lessons for nearly six months, which is a long time. Also, they had been praying about it, and they felt like November 24 was the date that I should be baptised. In spite of this, I still did not believe in God, the Book of Mormon, the Bible, or the restoration of the church. I really wanted to, but I just didn't believe at all.

 

However, because I didn't want to disappoint them and also because they had been praying about it, I accepted. I tried to rationalise it to myself, too - I had been going to church since the summer, I had been taking the sacrament week after week, and I thought that maybe if I was baptised, I would believe in God. Everyone at church always talks about how great their baptism was and how good they felt after it, and so I thought I would feel that way, too.

 

The day of my baptism, I had fully convinced myself that I wanted to do this. I thought that it would really make me believe. I thought that me taking a step like this with hope would make me believe. Of course, my first thought after I was baptised was 'What have I done?'.

 

Directly after my baptism, I regretted it. I didn't feel the Spirit. I felt as if this was the wrong thing to do. And yet, as soon as I was finished changing, I started pretending again that I was really happy about it. It was all I could think to do, especially when surrounded by everyone at church.

 

I kept on pretending that I had faith for some months. I even went to the Temple, hoping that it would open my eyes, even though it didn't. Only about a month ago, I finally told my boyfriend, who is a member, how I really felt.

 

It hit me really hard after I told him. I realised that I had made a huge mistake. I had lied to everyone the whole time. I lied in classes, I lied in all my interviews, and I felt like I was lying to a God I didn't even think existed. I was really confused about everything.

 

So, I've been trying to decide what to do. I've been feeling extremely guilty since I told my boyfriend. The only way I can think of to get rid of the guilt is to resign as a member, and start all over again. I want to be taught everything again, and I want to pray about everything until I know its true. Then, when I'm sure it's the right thing to do, I want to be baptised. That's what I really want to do. I don't care if it takes years, I just want to start again and make everything right this time.

 

My question is, is this valid? Can I really do this? If I can't do it, what else can I do?

 

 I look forward to reading your advice. Thank you in advance to all those who have read this.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Dolores,

 

My testimony also hinges on my relationship with the truth.  Kudos to you, for remaining so honest to yourself that you're considering resigning your membership, since you basically betrayed yourself to get baptized in the first place.  

 

Resigning is certainly an option, but there are other choices to consider.  My story is a little different than yours - I was born into the church, got baptized at 8, and it finally dawned on me that I didn't believe when I was around 18 or 19.  I stopped going to church, although I did not resign my membership.  Around age 25, I developed a sincere desire to know, and a desire to do what was necessary to find out, if it was all true or not.  I was not about to take the sacrament, pay tithing, hold a calling, or pray publicly until I had that surety.  I can find a link to my story if you like, but the result was that I did indeed obtain a sincere testimony of the existence of God, the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, and a confirmation that the Church was what it claimed to be.

 

As I let those close to me know this had happened, I told them I was ready to get rebaptized, because like you, I wanted to do it right and start at the beginning.  They all smiled kindly at me and said rebaptism wasn't necessary - I had made covenants with someone I didn't believe in - and now that I believed in Him, I just needed to start keeping my covenants.  Sometimes if our sins are serious enough, a rebaptism may be in the cards, but "not believing" isn't a sin - it's a demand to stay close to truth.

 

Anyway, I don't have a direct answer to your issue, but wanted to share some of my story.  Welcome to the board, and please let us know how things go for you!

[Dolores Humperdinck]

Thank you so much for your advice. It's good to know that there are other people who have been in the same predicament, and I'm glad to know that your result was very positive.

I would be very interested to read about your experience, if you wouldn't mind, so a link would be wonderful.

I'll take everything you said into consideration. Thank you so much for your help.

[Lakumi]

Why would you be lying to a God you didn't believe in?

That'd be like saying "I am so upset I lied to Odin"

 

The sad realization that you either believe or you don't, if you can't be convinced you pretty much have to move on.

I wanted to be a part of it too but for many reasons I decided to forgo baptism when they suggested as I felt it was a wrong choice.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

NeuroTypical, I loved your response, thanks!

 

Delores,  I'll tell you a little about my experience, it's different, but NeuroTypical's story reminded me that there are similarities.

 

I joined the church on my own when I was 12.  I had a strong testimony of Heavenly Father and the church...and then something really difficult happened.  I don't want to get in to all of that now, but suffice it to say, I found myself doubting God.  I didn't doubt the church though, I still felt that IF there were a God, then this church was the right one.  I just wasn't sure about God anymore.  

 

I considered not attending church anymore, but I held back from doing that because I knew my husband and family would be devastated.  But I didn't feel I could keep up this facade for long, nor did I want to.  So I decided to do two things...

 

First, I remembered that John Bytheway (a popular youth speaker) had said rather than question your faith, question your doubts.  That seemed reasonable to me, so I an appointment to see my Bishop and explain the situation to him to see if he could help.

 

Second, in the Book of Mormon, Alma says if you have even the desire to believe, to give that an opportunity to grow (I'm paraphrasing obviously because I'm in a hurry so I don't have time to look it up.)  I reasoned that I would really LIKE for the story of God and Christ to be true.  I mean that Christ loved us enough to come to earth and suffer and die for us, and all His teachings....that really is something beautiful, and I hoped it was true.  I decided it wouldn't hurt to try to "plant that seed" and see if it would grow.

 

Talking to the Bishop really helped, we met several times and I used to joke that it was like my "private Sunday School lessons".  Because it was one to one, we were able to discuss my specific concerns.  

 

In order to "plant the seed", I continued attending church, and praying honestly (meaning, I told Heavenly Father exactly what I felt, which at that time was angry with Him!) and I searched the scriptures for answers to my questions.  I found my answers mostly in the New Testament...which I realize now is perfect because it was God/Christ (not the LDS church) that I was questioning.

 

Now I can honestly say-- I believe in Heavenly Father and Christ.  My relationship with them is still not fully back to where it was before, but it's growing.  As I type this, I realized that when I get "there", my relationship with them will be better than ever.

 

So I don't think you need to resign from the church, I think you could benefit from doing taking the same steps I did.  Talk to your Bishop, pray honestly (I mean tell God you aren't sure if He is really there, but you would like Him to be) and search the scriptures (focus on whichever book of scripture resonates for you.)

 

Welcome aboard, stay in touch!

[Dolores Humperdinck]

Thank you for all of your advice. I really appreciate it.

Lakumi, I realise that what I said sounds kind of contradictory, so I'll try to explain what I meant. What I meant was that I felt really confused about my baptism, because it carries the implication that I had made a covenant with God, but I didn't know if God existed or not. Everything that was going on at that time was confusing, and I felt guilty about what I had done. I'm sorry if I didn't communicate that very well. Also, on a completely unrelated note, Higurashi is a great anime. One of my favourites.

LiterateParakeet, thank you for sharing your experience. I'll speak to Bishop about this and I'll start to pray honestly, like you said. Speaking to Bishop will probably be tough, but I'm sure that it will be better for me in the long run. Thank you.

[Lakumi]

Thank you for all of your advice. I really appreciate it.

Lakumi, I realise that what I said sounds kind of contradictory, so I'll try to explain what I meant. What I meant was that I felt really confused about my baptism, because it carries the implication that I had made a covenant with God, but I didn't know if God existed or not. Everything that was going on at that time was confusing, and I felt guilty about what I had done. I'm sorry if I didn't communicate that very well. Also, on a completely unrelated note, Higurashi is a great anime. One of my favourites.

 

Back in my athiest days if i was baptized I'd have seen it just a literal dunking in water. I made promices to nothing so it wouldn't matter if I didn't keep them. Who was gonna care?! I certainly wouldn't have...

As I said though, I went down a similar mindset road, though a few differences the similarities are there. Though I have added onto all my wonderings the often strong dislike of church and people lol

I still don't have many more idea of things then I did late last fall, so I just keep pondering and what not.

Who knows where the river will carry me.

[Quin]

Sometimes the best prayer we can make is to be willing to be willing.

To want to want.

Because we sure as blazes DONT want, right now!

HF knows your heart & your mind.

He knows when you want to believe, but don't...

When you want to be a good mom (dad, boss, sister, employee, friend) today, but aren't...

When you want to have patience, but have run out...

When you want to listen, but can't even hear...

When you want to be brave, but run...

In many ways, wanting to believe is more powerful than belief itself.

It shows a changing heart, and a desire.

Yes. The "acting as if" or "fake it till you make it" CAN be interpreted as lying.

It can also be interpreted as Repentance! As trying.

Because repentance is a process. It's actively trying to do something new, different, until eventually...

One has actually repented : found joy in doing the opposite of what they did before.

But the process of repenting, of changing ourselves instead of just asking for forgiveness, making no need for forgiveness?

That takes time. It's present tense.

So... 2 things:

1) If you look at desire + repentance = broken heart & contrite spirit. Then you've got the requirements for baptism.

2) Do you really want to ERASE the journey? So what that it's not cookie cutter, or perfect out of the box? It's your journey. It's gotten you to where you are today and will take you Ito your tomorrow. It's special, and unique, and yours. Cherish that. Don't be ashamed of it.

Q

[NeuroTypical]

I would be very interested to read about your experience, if you wouldn't mind, so a link would be wonderful.

 

Hi Dolores, here it is.  Sorry it's long.

[Dolores Humperdinck]

NeuroTypical, thank you for sending me a link to your story. It's so heartening to know that there are other people who have had the same thoughts that I've had. I've thought for a long time that wishful thinking and the placebo effect play a part in believing in the gospel, and I was pleased to see that you used an experiment to get an answer. I think that I will try to repeat that experiment. I found it very inspiring. Thank you once again.

Quin, you've changed my mind about resigning. Because of the new perspective you've given me, I've decided that it would be best to make the most of what I have now rather than start over. When I first posted this, I thought that everything was set in stone, and I felt really guilty about what I had done, but after reading your post, I realised that my situation is much more malleable than I first thought. So I'm going to use the experience I already have and try to change, like you said. Even though it will be difficult, it will probably be better for me. I don't feel ashamed anymore. Thank you so much.

[Roseslipper]

hello and welcome to the site and to The Church.  Ty for your story you don't have to resign, what I'd add is let those good seeds of faith grow with in you.  You have the right to ask Heavenly Father anything, He wants us to do this.  Communication is the key to any relationship. You can always speak with your Bishop he's the father of the ward you live in, he's the spiritual leader of your ward. I for one am happy that you are in the church, it truly is a good thing. And think of the long way you have come already.  Stick to the path and it will all work out.

[Boanerges2]

Have you read Pres. Uchtdorf's talk from October 2013 General Conference? https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng

 

There is room for everyone in the church, and I think he has some wisdom for you.