I feel horrible but I am quickly losing attraction to my wife.

[letmeoff]

On 21/12/2015 at 6:14 PM, SDO1985 said:

I continue to feel a very deep loss of attraction to my wife and I can't help but feel like she does not seem to care about my feelings. I am a nice person and will do anything to anyone, I am feeling let down and used. My wife does not hold my hand, she is not intimate and does not show me any type of love unless I initiate and even then it's very minor. I have made so many changes and feel like she does not think she needs to make any. Before we were married I told her my one thing about my childhood that I feel really devistated me and it's the one thing she has done in our marriage, she does not take care of herself. I work full time, I take care of the kids and clean to no avail that it makes her happy. I am lost at what to do and don't know how much longer I can keep going. Please help, I am just lost.

Learn to understand your wife and attraction won't put you to sleep.

[clwnuke]

Dear SDO1985,

You and your spouse are working through something that is well known to researchers but mostly unknown to others. There is a distinct gender difference in how long attraction lasts between men and women.

One experiment that easily illustrates this was done by researches using pictures of attractive men and women. The men were shown a series of pictures of attractive women and their physiological responses were measured. No matter how many times the same series of pictures was shown to the men, their positive physiological responses remained almost the same. In other words, men can be attracted to a woman almost forever.

Similarly, the women were shown a series of pictures of attractive men and their physiological responses were measured. After being shown the same series of pictures a number of times, their positive physiological responses reduced to almost nothing. However, if a new picture of an attractive man was inserted into the series their physiological response jumped positively for that picture initially but reduced after being seen several times.

The practical implication of this research is that going into marriage a man better be prepared for the women's attraction response to diminish as she becomes accustomed to you. If you had known this fact going into your marriage, the current situation would not be such a surprise. It also explains why changing up your routine and experiencing new things may revive your wife's attraction for short periods.

Now I realize that it is difficult to experience your wife's loss of attraction no matter what the reason is for the loss. It was one of the most difficult periods of my own marriage. But once I learned that "bed death" was a normal part of a women's life, it helped me to understand that she still loved me very much despite her lack of being attracted to me. The research also shows that women become more emotionally attached to their husbands over time even though the hormonal attraction diminishes. I realized that my wife wasn't doing anything wrong, and that she couldn't change her physiological responses any more than I could change my eternal attraction to her. I don't know why God created men and women with these differences, but I can testify that armed with understanding - a husband can compassionately adjust to these changes in the relationship and still be happy.

There is definitely more to marriage and your situation other than this small fact, but hopefully this helps in a small way.

Good luck my Brother!