Difficult Situation

[Aphrodite]

So I just found out my Mum hasnt been paying her rent for like the whole year. The church is paying most of it, £200 a month and she's supposed to pay the rest which is i think somewhere between £100-£150. So she owes about £1000. I just couldnt believe it when I found out. I didnt find out from her, she called my Dad. Now she's being threatened with eviction and the council are notoriously hard lined and unless she can come up with the money in full they might evict her. I havent spoken to her about this yet, im too angry at her stupidity and selfishness and might say something i regret. I dont know why she hasnt been paying, she just sticks her head in the sand in the most ridiculous way possible. What did she think would happen??

Me, my husband and my Dad are trying to work out a solution. The bishop is furious with her and told her so. Somehow, we're going to have top come up with the money. I dont even know where to start. We have a fairly well off businessman in the stake who is very generous and is always giving money to those in need. Rob used to work for him and we are friends. I was thinking of asking him for a loan to pay it. But then who would pay it back? Me? Im just about to go to uni and am taking a drop in money.

The anger and resentment Im feeling towards her at the moment isnt healthy. But I cant help it, is she trying to ruin my life?? I dont know how we can ever repair our relationship she seems intent on destroying it. Its so upsetting, im at a loss.

Plus we have to work out what we're going to say to her. A massive talk is in order. I have no idea how to get through to her. When you talk to her she just looks at the floor and doesnt say a word. Im beginning to think shes mentally unstable, no normal person would do this kind of thing. The stress off this is keeping me awake and I just dont know what to do or where to begin with this. If anyone can help me with yet more problems from my messed up life....lol

[Annabelli]

Aphrodite: Do you, your husband, and your dad live with your mother? If she lives alone that would be a different answer.

I am sure there is a reason that she did not pay her rent: refusal, denial, etc.

If she is of a sound mind and is just going through a rough time, help will be there.

If she is unstable in health, someone needs to take over her finances and pay her bills, probably a legal appointment of such person.

If she is of good health and thinks someone else will pay it in time, she may need to go through the trial of living in a homeless shelter until she can save enough money to get another place to live.

If she did not pay her rent because she has a substance abuse problem, getting a loan to bail her out will make you an enabler and prolong the problem indefinitely.

I am sure your Bishop will make some good suggestions since he knows your mother.

I will keep your family and the Bishop in my prayers.

[BenRaines]

I have had to cut my youngest brother off financially. He has substance abuse problems and it wasn't that he didn't have the money it was where he was spending it.

Neither you or the church has an obligation to maintain someones lifestyle. As a child out of a sense of duty you may feel you do but you do have a family too.

Ben Raines

[rosie321]

So I just found out my Mum hasnt been paying her rent for like the whole year. The church is paying most of it, £200 a month and she's supposed to pay the rest which is i think somewhere between £100-£150. So she owes about £1000. I just couldnt believe it when I found out. I didnt find out from her, she called my Dad. Now she's being threatened with eviction and the council are notoriously hard lined and unless she can come up with the money in full they might evict her. I havent spoken to her about this yet, im too angry at her stupidity and selfishness and might say something i regret. I dont know why she hasnt been paying, she just sticks her head in the sand in the most ridiculous way possible. What did she think would happen??

Me, my husband and my Dad are trying to work out a solution. The bishop is furious with her and told her so. Somehow, we're going to have top come up with the money. I dont even know where to start. We have a fairly well off businessman in the stake who is very generous and is always giving money to those in need. Rob used to work for him and we are friends. I was thinking of asking him for a loan to pay it. But then who would pay it back? Me? Im just about to go to uni and am taking a drop in money.

The anger and resentment Im feeling towards her at the moment isnt healthy. But I cant help it, is she trying to ruin my life?? I dont know how we can ever repair our relationship she seems intent on destroying it. Its so upsetting, im at a loss.

Plus we have to work out what we're going to say to her. A massive talk is in order. I have no idea how to get through to her. When you talk to her she just looks at the floor and doesnt say a word. Im beginning to think shes mentally unstable, no normal person would do this kind of thing. The stress off this is keeping me awake and I just dont know what to do or where to begin with this. If anyone can help me with yet more problems from my messed up life....lol

Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time right now .

As a habitual fixer upper myself I see glaring signs of it in your post and wish to point out a few things. First your mom is responsible for herself no matter what. Her not paying her rent is not your problem. What did she think would happen? From what you've said everyone IS doing everything for her. The only part she had to do she didn't. She wouldn't even ask for help to pay the extra rent amount until a year had passed. What IS SHE doing to help herself? Be careful to give your mom some accountability for her situation. There has to be something she can do to help out. Don't feel responsible to fix everything for her and be very cautious about taking out a loan for her. It could devastate the family you and your husband seek to build.

Has she thought of where she could stay or where some of her things can be stored if she is evicted? This is where you might want to start.

Pray for the wisdom to understand the situation for what it is. Is she mentally unstable, into alcohol or other mind altering things, or is she just irresponsible? How can you effectively meet her needs? If she is mentally incompetent then maybe someone needs to step in. Otherwise she needs to bear responsibility and start taking on an active part in the solution. She needs to work at paying off the funds she owes. While you may give a very slanted view it doesn't seem that she is doing anything for herself (she just looks at the floor?) You can't be her continual savior it will drain the life out of you.

It sounds like your mom has problems shes dealing with so don't take it personally. Just keep reaching out to her and loving her as Christ commands. Don't look for reasons why you shouldn't have a relationship with her.

This may be a huge situation but take it one step at a time and ask for direction. She may have to learn this lesson through cold, hard experience.

[sgallan]

Aphrodite -

Two questions....

What happens if she get evicted (where does she go)?

Are there any mental, or substance abuse issues, that are part of the issue?

Without knowing this, it is hard to get a grasp for the situation.

[Aphrodite]

Aphrodite: Do you, your husband, and your dad live with your mother? If she lives alone that would be a different answer

No we dont live with her but my brother who is only 20 does. He's probably suffering more than anyone having to live with her.

If she did not pay her rent because she has a substance abuse problem, getting a loan to bail her out will make you an enabler and prolong the problem indefinitely.

Yes she has alcohol problems. We now think she must be an alcoholic. Its difficult to know exactly as she lies so much and so well. This is whats doing my head in, we dont know the full extent of anything because she hides everything. She's also seeing a married man at work which Im disgusted about.

What happens if she get evicted (where does she go)?

I think she'd get put in a hostel, a room with shared bathroom and kitchen facilities

She may have to learn this lesson through cold, hard experience

I agree. However, my Dad and I agree that losing her home would not be the answer, she would never come back from that, it would destroy her as shes so emotionally weak and then there's no telling what she might do. Plus theres my brother to think of. He doesnt deserve to be homeless.

While you may give a very slanted view it doesn't seem that she is doing anything for herself (she just looks at the floor?) You can't be her continual savior it will drain the life out of you

Rosie thats exactly how i feel, the life is being drained out of me. Shes not doing anything for herself. Every time I try to bring up things she literally gets this glazed look and shuts down. Shes so selfish. She plays mind games to try and get things out of you, material things. She even concocted this whole story that she went to see the bishop about her problems, had a good chat with him and she feels shes finally getting better. The whole thing was total bull. I spoke to the bishop and he said she hadnt been to see him in weeks. How dare she lie to me. I was furious. Shes not normal. I feel like screaming and throwing something at the wall that will smash! No mother treats her kids like this. Its affecting my health too. I feel like giving her an ultimatum-unless she faces her problems with us and gets help I wont see her anymore. Maybe thats the wake up call she needs. I mean it too. Im not feeling very christlike towards her at the moment. I feel shes ruining my life.

[Iggy]

I suggest you search out an Al-Anon group near you and go. Take your brother too.

Check it out on-line, then hunt down a group close to you and go.

http://www.al-anon.org/english.html

[Gabelma]

you are in the UK have you tried the Citizens Advice Bureau? Many local councils have debt advice centres and then there is the social work department. But the key is she has to do this herself - you can approach all these people but only your Mother can dig herself out of this. If it is a council house she is in then she can go in and arrange to pay the backlog off at as little as a £1 a week, but I would make sure you have an advice service on your side, that way she should not be evicted, as long as she pays rent from now on. If she is so badly off that the Lord needs to help out financially has she tried for housing and council tax benefit? or Working Tax Credit.

You know losing her home may be what she needs - it will give her the opportunity to dig herself out. She is not going to recover from her alcoholism as long as you enable her to continue and if she takes no responsibility now you wll be in the same position next year.. The council are required to give her temporary accomadation, she will not be left roofless. There are also alcohol advice centres in many areas. I appreciate in some areas the welfare state doesn't work as it should but they do have certain legal responsibilities to keep a roof over your Mums head.

If you haven't already try your local CAB and see if they are any good they will let you know about the organisations in your area - or there is the Church services in Sollihull that can offer advice at least by phone or email.

My Mum is an alcoholic - I threw her out in the end 5 years ago best decision I have ever made for both of us, she is now sober most of the time, and has a nice little flat.

-Charley

[pushka]

Charley, you beat me to it with the suggestion of seeking advice from the CAB. For debts of £1,000 or over they have specialist debt officers who help to deal with:

1. Establishing the real extent of the debt.

2. Listing the names of the people you owe money too..and the amounts you owe to each.

3. Phoning those establishments, in order of priority, to ask for a payment schedule to reduce the amount of the debt in an affordable way.

She may also need to seek the advice of her GP regarding her possible alcoholism, who would be her first stage towards getting help from the Alcohol Advice Centres (the GP can at least give her the contact details for these centres) and any further help/counselling required from the Community Mental Health Team in the town in which she lives.

[Annabelli]

Am I assuming that you learned about all of this from your 20 year old brother? He should contact the services listed in this post and get some help so that he can move into his own place and get a job if he does not already have one.

Your not ignoring your mother when you allow her to live her life as she sees fit. If you keep trying to help her pretty soon you are going to need these services to bail yourself out.