What can I expect?

[Guest TheLutheran]

My first post! As you can tell from my username, I am a Lutheran mom and somewhat knowledgeable about the LDS faith. My 16-year-old daughter is dating THE NICEST LDS 16-year-old. They are very compatible but we have all tippy-toed around the different faith issue. I do not know how devout he is but know that he is wrestling with whether or not to go on a mission. Can anyone be so kind as to fill me in on what to expect?

How is suitability for a mission determined? If a young man declines to go on a mission what privileges are denied? Obviously we have counseled our daughter that spiritual compatibility is paramount and I presume LDS families are no different. What should we expect?

[Mahonri]

Welcome.

These are the things you should expect from a LDS boy who is dating your daughter.

For the Strenth of Youth

Read each of the headings of the contents at the above site. If he is not following these guidelines, then he is not being true to his faith.

They are good guidelines for youth no matter what their faith.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi TheLutheran!

My random thoughts:

So your daughter is dating someone who may go on a mission? Well, if he goes, you can expect him to be fully devoted to his work for 2 years. Missionaries are allowed to write letters, but that's about all the contact they would have.

There are umpteen million "waiting for a missionary" jokes in our church. I sometimes think we've got the majority share of the "dear John" letter market because of our missionaries. What I'm trying to say is, if he goes, and if she decides to wait for him, with the intent of dating him on his return, you can expect that arrangement to last about as long you might expect a 16 yr old girl could make it work. This is not a bad thing, this is a "moving through a period of maturing and rapid growth and important decisions" thing.

But hey, stranger things have happened. I suppose it's not completely impossible that he goes and she waits and they both want to continue a relationship when he returns.

The different faith issue will probably eventually come up. Someone might convert to the other's faith, or they might break up, or they might keep going with their religion differences intact. My own personal belief (and you'll get different beliefs from different mormons), is that it's a mistake to date other faiths, when you're looking for a spouse. Because you marry who you date, and if you date someone with a different set of religious beliefs, your kids end up as the rope in an eternal tug-of-war.

But at 16, they're probably not too serious about looking for their eternal companion.

Mahonri's "Strength of Youth" pamplet is indeed good reading material if you want to know the standards mormon kids are SUPPOSED to hold themselves to. From one daddy of girls to another, you need to be aware: our kids have the exact same hormone levels as non-mormon kids, and their teenage brains mature at the same rate as non-mormon brains.

Welcome!

LM

[MorningStar]

One of my best friend's is Lutheran and her cousin is dating an LDS guy, much to her parents' dismay. My friend told her aunt and uncle, "Trust me. There are worse things than your daughter marrying a Mormon. At least they're good people." :)

There's no punishment for not going on a mission, but it's something he would probably regret.

[Guest TheLutheran]

Mahonri, Loudmouth & Morning Star:

Thank you so much for your responses. The link to "For the Strength of Youth" was helpful, Mahonri.

Had to chuckle, Loudmouth, you were preaching to the choir! I suspect we anticipated that Daughter #3's first "relationship" would be similar to Daughter #1 and Daughter #2's (who chose to date Protestants) -- the girls found the boys very annoying within about 4 weeks. Daughter #3 and her LDS sweetie have found nothing annoying about each other -- and its been 6 months! Yikes!

Yes, Morning Star, there are worse things than marrying a Mormon.

Thank you all for your insights.

~~The Lutheran

[Maya]

I think it might even be good that he goes on mission..they have time to see if it lasts. I have a frend she married at 17..met the boy at 14.... they were both lutherans then... later become mormons and they were a in love to the end ... she died of canser a year a go... Her son married in Temple instead going on meission. I think he was 18 and she 16. Very young any way. He could have gone on mission, but his healt was not good enough.

Oh and he dont mind if you donot allow them to be alone in her room... should not mind.

I was a lutheran til I was 30 and become amormon. :)

[MorningStar]

Anytime! :) I know that's hard when your kids date outside the faith. But if one of my kids did, I would hope it would be someone with very high standards and were interested in staying chaste. Most likely this boy has a desire to stay morally clean. Of course, anyone can give into temptation though, so I wouldn't give them too much alone time. :)

I dated a guy outside my faith too and neither of us was interested in each other's church. His friends kept pressuring him to break up with me and I knew things had to end eventually. Then he said we needed to break up and I said ok. He was offended I wasn't more upset. I said, "I knew it was going to happen." Then we got back together. Then he said again that we needed to break up, but we could still be friends. And cuddle. And hold hands. He was in denial about us not breaking up. Then I finally decided it was time and he said he didn't want to break up until I moved to Utah. He kept crying and didn't want me to move and towards the end, some very unlikable qualities surfaced and I just didn't care anymore and had he joined the church, I shudder to think I might have married him. At one point he panicked and said, "Your church really does make sense! I want to come over and ask you some questions about it." When he came over, I answered his questions and he kept saying, "I have to ask my pastor about that." and was back to arguing about it. I went to his church a few times out of respect and there were a bunch of signs on the walls advertising classes that preached against my church, Catholics, and Jehovah's Witnesses. When I saw that on my third visit, I vowed to never set foot in there again. He had also told me not to tell anyone there I was Mormon because they would kick him out of the band, which was part of the ministry. I said, "Excuse me. That's the risk you take in dating me. If someone asks me, I'm going to tell them what religion I am." That whole thing was way too much drama in my life.

My sister dated a Catholic rather seriously and he wanted to marry her, but his parents said they would feel like they failed as parents. He was heartbroken for a long time. She went away to college, dated other guys, and then his parents said, "I guess it wouldn't have been the end of the world if you had converted." He said, "WHAT?!" By then it was too late. Our family wasn't too fond of him anyway. He used to crank his stereo up and we could hear him coming down the street, then he would walk in and say to my dad, "'SUP, DAVE!" It drove him crazy. Me, I thought he was on the selfish side and he spent a lot of time away fishing while they were dating and it seemed like she always had to center her schedule around him. I said, "If you think he fishes a lot now, just wait until you're married and he does it when you have little kids. Then you'll be really mad." He wasn't all bad, but my sister got really frustrated because his parents didn't even go to church, yet they were so upset about him not being Catholic anymore.