marriage help

[pearlgirl]

Help

[Elgama]

ButYouDontLookSick.com : The Spoon Theory - read this with him think it may help you both its the best description of what a life with a chronic unseen condition is like.

I do understand where you are at - my husband suffers from severe depression, but I married him in sickness and health, he puts up with my illness and yes we row our way through those times and I did once threaten to leave (packed my bags and was going to take my daughter out on the next bus), but I have lived with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and the debilitating fatigue your husband will be suffering you can't expect him to function like a normal human being, chances are he can't do what you want him to do - he may not look ill but depending on the severity of his fatigue (something he may not understand himself), but he could be more disabled than someone in a wheelchair - imagine the worst day of flu you have ever had and times that by ten thats what your husband functions on everyday, he has no reserves left for the times when something else comes along, his immune system may be low. And it will take time for him to work out what is his own natural laziness and what is his condition.

I have had over the past few months odd periods of remission with no exhaustion and no pain and believe me life is so much easier without it - I realised for the first time I wasn't lazy or useless (feelings your husband will get more than me men do suffer more mentally with a condition that involves fatigue) and that actually I cope pretty well on a daily basis. Depending on how long he has had the sleep apnea and fatigue he may not realise just how much its affects him, its a journey you can go through together find alternative ways to help him if the medical profession can't, but don't give up chances are he is as hard on himself as you are being but right now he needs you to help him he quite possibly doesn't have the reserves to do it himself. Jobwise something he can do on autopilot would be better and it may be worth you looking at role reversing - please feel free to let him email or message me

-Charley

[Alaskagain]

Sleep apnea can cause extreme fatigue and keep a person from functioning "normally". Usually, use of the CPAP causes instanteous results. So, if he is only feeling "a little better", maybe there is something else going on too. Obviously, he's been for a physical recently, as the sleep apnea was discovered. Has his doctor mentioned any other condition? And, it could be that he may be so used to being fatigued all the time, he doesn't know how to deal with constructive use of his new energy level. Time for some retraining.

Just so I'm straight, you are saying:

He didn't have a job when you married him.

His parents have paid your expenses as a couple since you got married.

His parents have paid for his schooling.

His parents are paying for your schooling.

wow.

Why are you working?

[Guest Malcolm]

Hi. I feel a little strange doing this because I've never done it before. I'm hoping it will be helpful for me to get some perspective on my situation. I feel so worried and confused about my marriage. My husband and I were married in the temple a year and a half ago and things started to go downhill (from my perspective) from there. Right after we were married, I was working twelve hour days, commuting forty minutes to work and back and I would come home and my hubby hadn't done anything all day, not even help clean or anything. Previously, we had decided that he would look for a job when we got back from the honeymoon. Well, two weeks passed and I finally got upset and said something about how disappointed I was. This led him to get very angry with me and that is when we had our first HUGE argument. By the way, his parents have been paying our expenses ever since we were married. At one point, his dad told me that he would fund my schooling so that I could finish my degree. I decided to take him up on it, and my husband finally agreed to go to school that semester with me. Well, at the end of the semester, I had gotten straight A's and my husband had failed two classes and gotten a B- in the other. By that time, I was really getting worried. My husband would work when he felt like it, and the rest of the time he complained that it was too hard to get a job where we wer eliving. Finally, out of desperation i asked if he would like to move back to his home state, thinking maybe he would be more comfortable and finally do his duty. So I have moved seven states away, away from my family and friends, and the plan was that he would go to school full time and work part time and that I would work full time until we start our family. however, since we moved here three months ago, nothing has changed. We did find out that he has had severe sleep apnea which is a big deal, if you know anything about it. (I don't feel like explaining it, sorry) So then I had hope that the proper treatment would help. So far, after two weeks of using the CPAP, he says he feels a little better and has more energy, but he still is not doing anything. in fact, he was registered for classes this semester, but he dropped them without even talking to his parents and I really don't even know if I should tell them or what. I think if I tell them, they may not even hold him accountable. I am sorry this is so long, I guess I just kind of let open the flood gates. I don't know what to do. I have a strong testimony of the gospel and that the Atonement of Christ can heal all wounds, but what do you do with a person who doesn't care enough to change? Any kind words to help me hang in there would be much appreciated.

I am not a pessimist, the lord knows. But based on what you describe I have the distinct feeling that your husband had problems before you married him. I am assuming your are both quite young (parents supporting you both) but did he ever had a job he could keep? Did he serve a mission? Because he is also young there is no baseline to assess his previous level of functioning.

You need to go and talk to your Bishop right away. If this is the prelude, you should brace yourself for what is to come. Is this the man you want to be the father of your children? Realistically; what can you expect of someone that has no drive, is not able to apply himself and shows no concern for his own future?

Sorry if my reasoning sounds simplistic but the forum does not allow for a really in depth discussion. I am sure he may have other attributes you find attractive, otherwise you would not have married him. But I also think you ignored the warning signs for whatever reason. I would not rest until I get to the bottom of things. Sad as it may be, you must contemplate the possibility that your marriage is headed in the wrong direction.

I am really sorry but I hope you understand there is really little reason to be hopeful here.

[NateHowe]

I can't give any answers, but I can give a few suggestions.

1. Have a very frank discussion with him. Don't hold back your feelings, but try to present yourself in a spirit of love and concern.

2. Have a frank discussion on the subject with your bishop. He can hook you up with some counseling, possibly through LDS family services. He can also give your husband some counsel as his priesthood leader.

3. Have a frank discussion with his parents. Express your appreciation for everything they are doing for you, but also express your concern about their son and ask for suggestions to help him.

4. Go to professional counseling. If he is unwilling to go, go yourself a time or two to get advice on how to help him get there.

[Elgama]

I think its kind of sad this poor chap is being given no breaks for the condition he has they both need to learn to live with it. My brother has had Epstein Barr and now possible MS - his previous girlfriend refused to acknowledge his illness and worked him into a state he has never recovered from - learning to live with illness as a couple is hard, but its part of the vows we take everything pearlgirl says is understandable to feel but we need to love our companions at their worst as well as their best otherwise LDS families can fall apart too rapidly. But it does take an extra special spouse to deal with an unseen illness so many become angry and abusive - I have counselled people and its heartbreaking to hear the stories.

-Charley

[NateHowe]

I agree that everybody should be given a chance. However, part of the chance-giving process must include seeking help. Psychological conditions are not always curable, but are usually treatable. If he is not seeking or accepting help, he needs to start now. He owes that much to his wife.

[Alaskagain]

Dreamgirl, I wasn't being flippant with my question - Why are you working?

As far as I am aware, sleep apnea CAN be disabling. But once diagnosed and correctly treated (determining correct settings for the CPAP may take a little time), the fatigue should rapidly go away. Barring any additional physical or psychological disabilities, your husband should be able to hold down a job.

You obviously have a strong work ethic, and enjoy achievement. I totally understand that. It probably would never cross your mind to not "do your part" to support yourself/your family.

Unfortunately, some people will not work/take responsibility as long as someone else is providing life's necessities. If you are wondering if that is the situation (and I'm not saying it is - I certainly don't know), you might consider taking an unpaid leave from your job, and kindly ask the loving in-laws not to contribute to your household for the next 6 months, even though you really appreciate all they have done for you so far. Being "needed", or knowing that you might not have a roof over your heads if somebody isn't working, might just give him more incentive. If that's what the problem is.

[Elgama]

before doing anything drastic I'd make sure he is well checked out - he sounds very like many people I have counseled with MS, Lupus, Chronic Fatigue or Fibromyalgia (not that you can diagnose over the net, but all are a distinct possiblity) -read the spoon theory with him and see if it resonates at all.

-Charley

[pearlgirl]

Hello all, and thank you so much for contributing your helpful suggestions. Some of the things that have been said are things that I have been thinking of doing for a long time, but just haven't had clarity on. Thanks for shedding some extra light on the situation. My husband and I have finally seen a counselor at LDS family services and now that we have moved back to where my husband is from, I think his parents have begun to see what is really going on. His dad found out that he dropped his classes this semester and has scheduled an interview with him. I am hoping that he will finally get some pretty straight talk and be held accountable for his choices. I know that I may sound harsh, especially to those who have had or are going through depression or another chronic disease that isn't your fault. However, I do want to make it known that I have survived severe depression myself. I went to counseling, took medication, and learned new ways to cope. This was a couple of years before we were married. (By the way, we are not all that young- my husband is 27 and I am 25. Too old to keep wasting time, in my opinion. ) Anyway, by going through that myself, I learned that no matter what, I was responsible for getting myself better. I was responsible for my own life. For the last year and a half, I have been pretty patient and have tried to be empathetic and sympathetic to the things that my husband is going through. But I have to acknowledge, at this point, that my efforts in that regard have been taken advantage of and no one is going to be able to help my husband feel better about himself until he has to be accountable and face the truth. And I will ALWAYS stand by his side if he simply tries his best.

Thanks again to all those that contributed and sincerely want to help. This forum has given me a lot of hope and support- thanks!

[Elgama]

Pearl your achievement is amazing - I've watched my husband take 3 years to do the same, and I am very proud of him.,,, but don't take this the wrong way your husband isn't you, everyone reacts differently to illness either psychological or otherwise (the mental process is very similar) and I suspect your own achievement is contributing to your intolerance of your husband and his feelings of unworthiness before you can teach him you need to listen- I mean why can't he learn from you and do the same - well because he isn't you - I feel the same way with my brother sometimes, I want to shake him. But I would take him back to the Dr still sounds to me like a piece of the puzzle is missing and your right it could be as simple as the sleep apnea caused a depression but if he has a chronic illness that isn't psychological he plain can't pull himself together - and just because he isn't feeling pain and you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. Until you both know what is wrong and he has his label he can't take control - he can't go looking for his remedies on the internet or read books

Did you and he read the spoon theory?

-Charley

[pearlgirl]

To Charley,

I understand what you are saying (yes, we did read the spoon theory together- thank you for introducing me to the website). But you must admit that until a person WANTS to know what the problem is and WANTS to get/be better, then there really is no helping them. You cannot rush in and try and diagnose and fix the pain and suffering for someone else. For the last year and a half, I have tried everything short of involving family/other people (in an effort to protect my husband's sense of dignity and privacy) with no results. At this point, I cannot see how we can move forward in our marriage, and eventually start a family, until he shows that he wants to be successful by putting forth some of his own effort, no matter how small. I am not as unsympathetic as I sound. Any tiny baby step on his part that signals to me that he wants change in his life I am willing to accept, wether it be going to the doctor without me forcing him to go, looking for a job, even just hanging up his towel after a shower- any of these things would be a sign of proactiveness on his part.

Again, I understand what you are saying. However, I don't think enabling him any further is going to help him in any way, shape, or form. Loving unconditionally is ALWAYS the right thing to do, but that is not what I am talking about here. I love my husband dearly. I wouldn't be fighting for our marriage if I felt that there was anyone else out there for me. I made covenants in the temple which I intend to keep, not only out of a sense of right and wrong, but out of sincere love and concern for my companion. I do not apologize for having certain expectations of my partner.

While my husband may have an undiagnosed piece of the puzzle yet to be discovered (which I agree, is VERY possible), until he steps forward and gets some help, our marriage isn't going to get any better.

[Alaskagain]

Kudos, pearl! I hope your husband realizes what a wonderful young lady he married, and that problems begin to reverse very soon, no matter what the root cause is.

[RachelleDrew]

Just a thought; don't bring children into this situation until the problem is solved. I'm sure you've already thought of that, but just in case.

This is totally fixable, as long as he has a desire to get some sort of help. If medical treatment is needed, then help him get that. If he refuses medical treatment, then all he needs is a kick in the pants. I would let his father do that for him.

As I said, this can be worked out and it sounds like you are taking the right steps to doing that. Good luck.

[cgrantreed]

I am a sufferer of Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I know how it works from the inside of the process. I suffered from it for 20 years before getting help and it mimicked chronic fatigue syndrome pretty close, The sleep test proved the real reason and I was put on CPAP. It is bull to believe that this process fixes it self really fast. I have been on it for 6 years now and I am still struggling with it to a certain extent. It will permanently change your sleep patterns and you will always feel fatigued to a certain degree...and the fatigue causes extreme depression, mood wings and other glorious stuff that torments you. I can say however that even that can be treated and He has to want to be fixed or you are fighting a lost battle. Its really easy to let it win. I am sure that there is some unseen disorder caused from this and he is struggling with it but he can't give up or it will never get better.

Grant