JaneDoe

My husband has new student orientation at a college near the beach. I wanted to get out of the house with the kids and play at the beach, but he urged against it since our youngest daughter doesn't sleep well at night. (We had to get a hotel one night) He didn't want to hear her cry at night and not sleep. I said I really wanted to go and I'll take care of her crying. So he had orientation yesterday, got out around 5. We went to dinner. His mind was else where, thinking of school stuff, I'm sure, but I was sitting there struggling with the kids at the restaurant. I had my 1 yr old in my lap trying to feed her and myself. My 3 yr old kept getting up trying to run off while my husband sat there enjoying his food while I'm sitting there struggling. I asked for some help and he did nothing. He said it's a losing battling with our 3 yr old. He didn't care that she kept getting up. When we got to the car, I raised my voice and asked him why he didn't at least offer to help me out. He yelled back, "I don't even want you to be here. I knew it would be this way with the kids. I told you." Excuse me for wanting to get out of the house and try to have some fun with the kids at the beach while he was at orientation. So last night my youngest woke up a couple of times, but she went back to sleep after a few minutes of crying. He got up at 6 am to get ready. He was being really loud by pulling out the ironing board and slammed the bathroom door shut. I asked him if he could be a little more quiet. He says, "I'm tired. I couldn't f'n sleep last night because of her." Wow. Now I feel like the jerk for even going. I drove home this morning. Now feeling guilty for going and hurt by the things he said. And wanting something better for myself. I'm tired of being treated this way.

No, he doesn't have a healthy outlet. He works out sometimes when he finds the time. His job is stressful and he works nights, so that is piled on top of what he's going through. In a few weeks, he's going to start his master's degree. That's going to add even more stress. He needs to do something to relieve this stress in a healthy way. Join a gym, talk to a therapist (wish we had one that lived closer), or do something recreational to send him happy endorphins. I can't hide my feelings. I don't scold him or anything of that nature when he tells me these things. I, too, get depressed when he tells me. I shut down, and I have negative thoughts about our marriage. I'm envious of couples that are able to attend the temple together. Oh, how I long for the day we can go together and to feel the Holy Spirit within the temple walls. We are sealed, but my husband doesn't currently hold a recommend, for obvious reasons. I pray for strength for him and for myself to endure these difficult times. "We can never complete 'the race that is set before us' (Heb. 12:1) without placing our hand in the Lord’s" (W. Craig Zwick). I won't give up, as long as he keeps trying to do everything in his power with the Lord's help. I'm trying to fear not, and have faith in my Heavenly Father....Here's the having a better attitude!

He is attending the PASG meetings and SA meetings weekly. He hasn't seen the Bishop in over a month, and he's gotten lazy on his daily scripture study. I can't snap my fingers and say do this and that. Wish it were that easy...

This afternoon my husband confessed to me that he has relapsed multiple times in the past week. He said it all started when he had a bad night at work, and it spirled downward from there. His addiction is his coping mechanism when he gets upset or depressed. When he's in these relapse modes, he's more quick to anger. He gets upset with our children easily. He raises his voice, and doesn't say nice things to them. He is distant from me and them. He stops doing his part of the chores. He is almost completely different from the happy fun loving guy I know and love. He blames this attitude and behavior on his addiction. Do I just tolerate this type of behavior towards my children and me until he is in recovery? I'm trying so hard to separate this addiction from the man that I love, but it completely consumes him. I feel like I'm in a ping pong game being hit back and forth between two different personalities. In the mean time, I have to pretend to everyone that life is fabulous when I'm hurting inside. Almost no one knows that this fun charismatic person out in public isn't always the same person at home.

Even before I saw her crying, I felt that I should talk to her. My husband and I had a rough day a few weeks ago, and I desperately needed someone to talk to, however, I'm not the type to go blabbing around about our issues. I keep to myself, and pretend that everything is "perfect." So I decided against talking with her, even though I felt strongly that I should. My husband understands my desire to talk with someone who can relate with what I'm going through. I know he wouldn't mind. Maybe it's not just a coincidence that she was assigned to be my visiting teacher... I will certainly pray about it a listen to these promptings.

Thanks, guys. You are all completely right. Of course I wouldn't say anything to anyone else about it except her, but I'm not going to say anything at all now that I know what I have done was wrong. I hope she will come to a meeting and we could go from there. As far as who I saw and what I heard, it's forgotten now.

I went to a PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group) for the spouses. The men meet in the same building on the same night at the same time, but in different rooms. Anyway, I live in a smaller town. Not very men go to the meetings, according to my husband, and I am the only woman who attends the spouse support group, so far. Well, the other day I was once again the only one there and the Sister in charge did not show up. I was bored sitting there, so I ventured off to where the men meet. I sat outside the room to listen. Why? Because I'm nosy. I couldn't hear much. The door was cracked so I took a peek. I saw the husband of my visiting teacher. A few Sundays ago I saw my visiting teacher in the bathroom crying during a sacrament meeting. I had a feeling it had to do with pornography since the talk was geared towards that. I felt the spirit to talk with her, but I was trying to change my daughter's diaper. So now that I know her husband does in fact have a problem with pornography, so should I see if she is doing okay?? Her and husband just moved into our ward a few months ago and are from out of state. They don't have any family here or know very many people. I don't know if I should just leave it alone? Or mention that I noticed she was crying a couple of Sundays ago, Is she ok? She can talk to me about it. What should I do?? We're kind of in the same boat. I know I would love to talk to someone in person who knows exactly what I'm going through. Any advice would be great!!

The things that are saving my marriage are: daily scripture study, prayer, fasting, attending the house of the Lord. If I wasn't doing these things, my marriage and eternal salvation wouldn't stand a chance.

Pray about it.

Thank you for everyone who has expressed their thoughts on this situation with the father-in-law. I've had the same thoughts and feelings towards my father-in-law...

Talk with your Bishop. He will decide what will happen. Everything that you say will be confidential. He may advise you to tell your mother, but you don't have to. My advice to you is to pray for strength to over come these temptations. Be prayful always. :)

How do I keep my "cool" when I see my pornography addicted husband look at another woman's butt or breasts in front of me??!! He's already told me he has a problem with looking at other women in public. Now there are plenty of times he has had triumphs and has looked away, and I'm so proud of him for doing so. But the times he does look hurts. I understand as much as I can about the addicted brain and what it goes through, but it still hurts to see it happen right in front of me...

Yes, you need to talk to your Bishop now so he can help you. I know it's hard to confess, but it will make the load you're carrying much lighter. Promise. Not confessing now is Satan's way of sneaking in and convicing you it's "ok." Then you are more likely to slip again.

Hey Girl, I KNOW it's tough to know that your husband has a pornography problem. My husband does as well. We, too, did not marry in the temple at first. When we finally did go and get sealed, my husband confessed he relapsed (slipped) the very day AFTER our sealing. It hurt. Really bad...He had a hard time coming to me and confessing relapses because of my reaction. Of course I was angry and hurt, but then I realized I had to educate myself on the addiction to understand what exactly he was going through. He Restoreth My Soul by Donald Hilton has been the best book that I have read so far on addiction. It has helped me to understand that this addiction has nothing to do with me. He has had this problem since he was 11 years old! By educating myself on this, I've learned to be more compassionate. I have a place in my heart for forgiveness because he's going to need a heck of a lot of it. It has made us draw closer to the Lord and rely on Him through this and all our doings. It requires a lot of prayer, patience, understanding, forgiving, and love. Just as Slamjet mentioned, PASG groups are church groups designed specifically for this addiction. It is a support group for men and women. Try and found out when these meetings are held and attend.

You keep saying you don't like to feel uncomfortable. How does your wife feel about the attention in public? Do you give her enough attention at home? Could she possibly be seeking attention else where because she's not receiving enough at home? Do heads still turn even if she's not wearing tight revealing clothing? I, personally, do not wear revealing clothing. I know and feel attractive. My husband tells me this and makes me feel this way always. I've never asked him to. He just does it out of love. Now I do notice double takes when we're out places. Like I said before, I don't wear revealing clothing. I suppose double takes happen because I am attractive. I'm not asking for the attention. It just happens, and honestly, I feel flattered since I'm getting close to my 30's.

You know I'm married to an addict, as well. If I were in this situation, I wouldn't put a filter on there when he's sleeping. He'll find out eventually that one was put on there without him knowing, and he would most likely get upset I went behind his back to do this. I know you are looking out for his well being, but change has to start with him. I would ask him what would our Savior want you to do? You have to try and set up guards because you better believe when the guards (filters) are down, Satan will sneak in.

This will be wonderful! He is starting an online course, so I need filters. I will apply them ASAP!

You're are right...The hardest part is keeping the hurt out when he does confess things to me. I'm so hurt that I initially speak with anger. I appreciate him coming to me and telling me things. I'm working on controlling that... We do not have filters. I need them. Where do I get them? The computer is in the living room and he does not access it unless I am in the room. There is a password he doesn't know if I'm not home or asleep.

I don't think that's the #1 problem. I'm not the problem. His addiction is. But I am doing what I can to learn more about it. Thank you for the links.

My husband has an addiction to masterbation. He doesn't have to look at pornography. He just uses his thoughts and acts out. The longest he went without a problem was 2 months. Now he's acting out weekly. He goes to the addiction recovery group, SA group, has a sponser, and meets with our bishop every 2 weeks. He's been praying, reading scriptures, and reading the 12 steps daily, but he's still very weak. He recently told me he has homosexual thoughts when he acts out. He says he's not attracted to men, but thinks about it only when acting out. This is so frustrating for me. I see him do double takes at other women when we are out in public. We can't go to any water parks, lakes, beaches, or any where women would be wearing revealing clothing. He can't keep his thoughts pure and he gives in to temptation. I don't understand an addictive brain. I'm reading He Restoreth My Soul to help me understand...He says he loves me. But actions speak louder than words right? Any uplifting comments would be appreciated.