mdfxdb
-
Posts
712 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
1
Posts posted by mdfxdb
-
-
I don't suggest compromise. Compromise almost never works in that often times both parties are not happy. You need to come to an arrangement on this where you are both happy. Is this divorce worthy stuff? I don't know, but you can either live with it or you can't.
He has to be mature enough to realize this is hurting you. What will transparancy accomplish? If he has something to hide, he will hide it.
His attitude on this is just part of a larger issue in your relationship. There is a very wide gap between professional correspondence (I remember your previous thread on him wanting to be a pro photog) and "friends".
-
Bottom line is if you don't want him to have that then he shouldn't have it. You're his wife, sometimes even when we think our spouse is being unreasonable we do things for them to make them comfortable and happy.
Your husband knows exactly what he is doing. He accuses you of being controlling because it gives him an outlet to blame when he gets "caught". He hopes that by doing this you will back off. He needs to understand that his decisions effect not only him, but the marriage. Unless he comes to this realization you will continue to have problems. It is a selfish point of view to think that what he does has no effect on you because it's "not a big deal".
Unfortunately it is a realization he will have to come to for himself. It will require him to put the marriage first and foremost in his mind and thoughts and actions. He currently isn't there.
As far as "friends" with the opposite sex...I'm generally against it 99.9% of the time. There is no space in a marriage for those types of friendships.
-
no-one has mentioned the fact that you have been dating for 4 years, and still haven't come to a marriage resolution. Long courtships are fine, but you might have crossed in to "too long" territory. At some point both parties have to move on with their life. I think you are at this point.
-
If you are not holding him accountable for his actions then you are supporting it. Where there is no consequence he will not change or modify his behavior. You're right, you shouldn't have to do this or supervise him. Children need supervision, not adults.
Your next step is a consequence for him. He needs to understand that his actions do have an impact on other people.
-
You're not being judged, he is. What he is doing is what a child would do. He doesn't care enough for you to avoid dangerous behavior.
What if his behavior was robbing liquor stores (for the excitement of getting away with it)? Would that be bad enough? Let's say he knows how to not get caught (ha ha), and he does it without anyone getting hurt, what would be the problem with that? Oh, and you get all the extra $$$.
If he goes to jail you and your family will be hurt. He is willing to take that chance. Are you? Will you support/tolerate his activity even though it could hurt the family. If so, then you are just as guilty as he is.
-
It's too bad you married a child. He needs to have consequence to his actions. He cannot jeopradize his family. I would suggest you move out, and see what he does. Unless of course you want to be in a position as previously mentioned of having a jail-bird husband who can't provide for his family. He is engaged in illegal activity. This has both spiritual as well as earthly ramifications.
-
Universal truth about missionaries. For the first half of the mission they are afriad their girlfriends wont wait for them. For the last half of their mission they are afraid they will.
-
You need to do you and your boyfriend the favor of breaking up before he leaves on his mission. He doesn't need to be distracted, and you are very young and it would be good for you to date other people and gain life experience. I guarantee he will be single when he returns from his mission. If you are single then maybe you can get back together.
A lot of growing and personal development occurs during those 2 years, and believe me 2 years is nothing. It goes by very very fast.
-
Charity and forgiveness.
Easy to say harder to live with...when do you say you've had enough? Are you supposed to suffer in perpetuity?
-
yep, pretty much. Those types of statements do not just appear, they are a result of one party or the others neglect in their duties to each other and to the marriage as a whole.
That being said...Husbands should help their wifes, and wifes should help their husbands. In a marriage there is no such thing as my part/your part, but most of the time one person or the other cannot do it all and there has to be a division of duties. Once those duties are divided then each spouse must live up to their obligations. IF they are struggling then they should get help from their significant other, but in the end they need to do all they can. Hopefully those things were hashed out before they got married.
-
As per the other thread, the same applies, The husband should not compare his wife to his Mom. If he wanted his mommie he should have stayed home and not gotten married....
-
I only have a problem with the "Dad" comparison. If she wanted to marry her dad she should have. Everything else seems reasonable. Her husband needs to man up.
-
If they want to make it work, they both have to put forth effort. A marriage never works when it's only one person doing all the changing.
I agree, but the effort has to start with someone, either husband or wife. If no-one starts making an effort/working, then the other will not either. In the end both parties have to want to work on the relationship, but one of them has to start it.
-
If your husband is truly repentant then he will turn away from lying and will only do those things which you have agreed upon with regards to his photography. Sounds like a lot of history in the relationship. Keep Christ central, pray for the ability to forgive your husband.
If you want to make it work one of you has to put forth effort. Unfortunately behaviors and emotions do not typically happen in a vaccum. If someone pokes the other is hurt, and vice versa. Hopefully, your husband will be willing to put forth the same effort, as will you. If both parties work (and it is work, real work) then the marriage can be successful.
-
Just so you know all photographers try to photograph and light women so the lighting best accuentuates their "assets". Women buy photographs, and they want to see themselves as they view them selves in their "minds eye". Clothed or not a photographer is going to do their best to show off a womans body to their best advantage. Does this make them a perv? Does it automatically force them to think dirty thoughts? No, it is called them doing their job. Depending on the lighting/setting it doesn't really matter what the person is wearing, a picture can be taken/construed so many ways that it can fall into the realm of extreemly sexy or very conservative without changing outfits at all.
In short, yes a man who is heterosexual can do lingere photos without getting aroused. It is called being professional.
-
"So, looking at other women is wrong? Or is it the context in which you look at them that is wrong? Are there 2 sins here? One would be lying, and the other would be taking pictures??? "
That is what we are told in the Sermon on the Mount...This person chose a hobby that seems to do exactly that. This isn't random, wayward glances that we are talking about. It is him seeking women out (via flirting, etc.) to get them to take their clothes off so he can take pictures. Maybe he can keep his mind pure and clean through it all - if so he's one of the strongest men I know of.
you are reading a lot into it. Of course if someone is "firting" and "getting them to take their clothes off" then there is a problem...
My point is he lied.
He lied about taking a certain type of pictures, but he lied. So, again are there 2 sins here?
I think it is entirely possible to take pictures and not sin...same as going to the beach. Do people think all photographers are perverts? Or only the ones that take pictures of pretty girls?
-
I agree that if his wife told him not to take boudoir style pictures then he should not have done it. Isn’t that the salient point of the argument?
If I were married I would not lie to my wife.
There is no reason to lie to a spouse. What I am trying to do is separate the act of lying from his photography hobby. They are not necessarily connected. I do not think the OP had a problem with his photography, but there were boundaries in place, and he lied about breeching those boundaries.
I do not think I am going to any extremes to justify the husband’s behavior of taking photos of half-naked women. If the OP were “OK” with him doing that then we would not be having a discussion. The fact is he lied about it.
Boudoir style photography and its subjects often times have more “clothing” on than most beach goers. Go to the beach sometime and look around, you will note most “swimsuits” are very small, most would say they are immodest. Does that mean we don't go to the beach ever? Has anyone here gone to a beach in a foreign country? What do you do then? Nudity is a lot more acceptable outside of our western society. I believe the earlier post stated:
“It is not right for your husband to be looking at other women partially nude. Saying that it is only "professional" and just a "hobby" as if this justifies it, is bullcrap.”
So, looking at other women is wrong? Or is it the context in which you look at them that is wrong? Are there 2 sins here? One would be lying, and the other would be taking pictures???
-
Good morning busfeliz. Welcome to the forums! :)
Regardless of personal standards and opinions expressed in this thread, the truth is, based on standards God has defined, what your husband is doing is wrong.
The photos are inappropriate and so is the dishonesty.
It is not right for your husband to be looking at other women partially nude. Saying that it is only "professional" and just a "hobby" as if this justifies it, is bullcrap.
Regards,
Finrock
You cite the husband as looking at other women partially nude as not being "right". What if he went to a beach, what then? What if he decides to go to Hooters for lunch? I'm not defending the OP husbands actions, because it is clear to me that he wronged in his lie to his wife. Husbands shouldn't lie to their wifes, but a blanket condemnation of his other actions without knowing any particulars seems a little over the top.
-
I would consider this an ultimatum-giving situation, if we didn't have children. "It's time to choose honey. Me, or these women. Just pick - be honest - this will be the permanent answer for the rest of your life. I will proceed to move forward with your answer. If you refuse to answer, I'll assume it's not me".
If we did have children, I'd strongly push counseling, and explore the idea of getting him to go live somewhere else until he decided to cleave unto me and only me, and get serious about the marriage.
so is your issue with the fact that the man lied to his wife, or with his photos? or a combination? how does this elevate to an ultimatum? Husbands should not lie to their wifes, but it happens all the time. Does this justify an ultimatum? Apparently the OP didn't know he was spending $$$ on camera equipment. Did he lie about that? Should she have divorced him then? How did she not notice the camera equipment? That stuff isn't free, how did she think he was getting it?
I guess to jump straight to an ultimatum on this case is pretty drastic is what i'm saying.
-
There is only one clear cut action of inappropriateness..Which is that the husband lied to his wife. We do not know what the photos look like or the content of them. Also, as far as getting a calander delivered to the house. That can be ok as long as the wife is ok with it. If she is uncomfortable she needs to make that clear to her husband and he needs to not do it.
-
The real problem here is he said he would do one thing, and he did another. This isn't necessarially about the approiateness of the type of photos, but rather that he lied to his wife, and then tried to conceal the lie. The second problem is if he is engaging in inappropriate means of solicitation for photoshoots (flirting). That is not a condoned way to get photo shoots.
It is common practice for photographers to try to build their portfolio by doing non-compensated shoots. There are lots of ways for them to contact models, "flirting" would not be one of them and is unprofessional.
As far as the type of shoot. Most photographers are too busy concerned with lighting, posing, camera position, lens selection,.......to worry about getting aroused during this type of shoot. If you are serious about what you are trying to capture this just does not happen. As far as his arousal taking pictures of you...well you're his wife..
-
Don't wait. If it happens it happens, but you are young don't restrict yourself, and try to get a firm grasp on what it is you really want out of a future spouse.
-
I can understand a lack of sexual desire, and I can also understand having an unhealthy, ugly view of sex based on earlier incidents of sexual abuse or molestation. Both of these things make sense to me.
What does not make sense to me is a spouse refusing to engage in sex for extended periods, merely because she (or he) lacks sexual desire. If she (he) is suffering from some deep-seated sexual anxiety based on abuse or molestation, I get that. But barring that, what kind of loving spouse would refuse sex merely because she (he) doesn't want it?
Yes, sex is an intimate giving of yourself. So is reading a bedtime story, taking the kids to the amusement park, or going to see the vampire movie with your spouse. You do those other things even if you don't particularly feel like it. So why is sex somehow different? I think it is not, and I guess I'm just a bit scandalized at the idea that a spouse would withhold sex for extended periods. Weeks on end? Months? Seriously?
Despite my strong statements, I am very willing to listen to explanations. But if the explanations are of the general type saying, "Look, if you don't want sex, you don't have to have sex," then I will not find them compelling.
x2 I agree comletely with what is stated above. I do not understand the withholding of sex simply because someone doesn't want to. I do lots of things I don't want to do, but can find intrensic joy in doing them simply because they are an act of service for another. At a minimum that is what motivates me to do those things.
-
not at all.
Two problems with this picture
in General Discussion
Posted
oh ye of little faith.... She will levitate straight to his arms...