PV2004

I have not had a chance to read all the replies so I am not sure if someone has said what I am about to say but here are my two cents. First, in regards to your wife taking everything personally I can feel you pain and frustration. Unfortunately I found that to be the case with my x-wife. She took, not everything, but a lot of things personally and it sounds like she reacted similarly to your wife. I found it difficult to talk to her about sensitive subjects and that she held on to the hurt for long periods of time. She even had a hard time forgiving me for things (I didn't do anything serious or anything like that, but rather I may have been joking around or something and all of a sudden I hit a sensitive subject and she would get upset with me and couldn't forgive me for the comment, which was never meant to hurt her) Anyway, I digress. It got to a point where I had to watch my words and how I talked to her because if I didn't phrase things correctly she could get upset. In the end, I believe she was very insecure with who she was and therefore took a lot of things personally. I won't go into details because it will take too long but after our seperation, I told her she needed to get help because she may have biopolar. She had been preliminarily diagnost with biopolar but never went through all the testing. Anyway I told she should go in and get tested. Well she did and the specialist came back and said she didn't suffer from bipolar but rather that she didn't know who she was, what she wanted, and was a people pleaser. Again there is too much to go into but it made sense to me. If she didn't know who she was and was insecure with herself, if someone commented on something she did, she would react to it for good or bad,even if the person making the comment had no intention of hurting her. In other words her feelings at any given time were always dependent on the feedback she got from others rather than someting more solid. If someone knows, I mean really knows, they are a child of God that persons happiness comes more from that knowledge rather than what others thing of them. A great example of that is the book "You Are Special" but Max Lucado. It is a kids book but teaches a powerful lesson. There are definitly other reason why she could take things personally, but I honest believe that if someone is offended by a comment most of the time that person is probably insecure with themselves in regards to that topic / comment. Try giving her positive feedback in regards to things she does well. Tell her the great qualities she has and help build her up. My question to you is did she have a rough time growing up, did her parents support her, had she had a lot of negative feedback in the past? That was the case with my x and that is why she never really had a firm foundation of who she was. Second, in regards to the sexless marage. My guess is that may not necessirally be you but she may have other issues, depression, stress from the kids, etc she is dealing with. Try and find that and help her deal with it. You need to remember though and acknowledge that what turns you on doesn't necessarially turn her on. She will more likely get turn on acts of kindness toward her or the family (helping out with the dishes, kids, and so on). Anyway I am not expert so I won't go into much more but I do want to say one other thing on this. I can't remember where I read it but it was an article on sex in marriage. Basically the article was about a couple and how they had a strong sex life in their marriage. The couple said they realized and acknowledged that sometimes the husband may be in the mood and the wife wasn't, or the wife was in the mood and the husband wasn't, or they both were in the mood. The thing that really stood out to me was their reactions to when one was in the mood and the other wasn't. The wife said she sometimes she came home from a long days work and really wasn't in the mood for sex and her husband was. She said in those times instead of arguing about it, she would tell her husband she wasn't in the mood and wouldn't be into that much but basically said let's have sex and you do all the work! Sometimes the tables were turned and the husband had the same reaction and let his wife do all the work. In the end though they helped each other with their sexual needs and realized that sometime the other person is just not going to be into that much. I know this isn't the same as your case but my point is you need to stop thinking about what you "thought" you sex life would be like and start acknowledging that people are different sexually and have different sexual needs. My belief is that to have a secessful sexual life in marriage you must address these differences and realize it is not necessarially personal when someone is not in the mood but inherent differences. Like most have said, I would recommend looking for help, ie bishop, counselors and so on. Good luck.

OK I have a good story. Not about me but about a friend. To make a long story short, basically the friend and his then to be future wife, knew they were should get married before they even went on a first date!!! Basically this story goes like this. My friend had made some poor choices in his teenage years and didn't go on a mission at 19. He was kind of inactive. Later on (he was in his mid to late 20s) he got active and decided to go on a mission. He was old enough though that he was going to need special permission to go on the mission. Anyway, he had gotten everything squared away, was worth and ready to go and had the special permission he need to submit his papers. He told me he kneeled down one night to say prayers and he rememberd his patriartical blessing, which basically said when the time is right you will know who to marry and then a particular sister in the singles ward came to mind. Well, he thought about this and couldn't get it off of his mind. He started to think that maybe he wasn't suppose to go on a mission. Well, one Sunday he sees the sister, that had came to his mind during his pray, in passing and he decides to ask her out. Before then they never really hung out or anything, but knew who each other were. She says yes and heads out to her car. Well, after she leaves the building he thinks to himself that he needs to tell her and goes out to the parking lot to find her. He found her and basically told her that he thought they were supposed to get married and asked her to go and pray about it. She said OK and went to the temple that week and prayed about it. Low and behold, she gets her answers and tells him that he was right and that they should get married!!!!!! Then they went out on their first date!!!!! You may not believe me but he told me this with his wife standing right next to him and she confirmed the whole thing!!!!! If that isn't crazy I don't know what is

In the end, after reading a number of your comments, and have taken the time to think about why I am bugged about my friends comment (not offended which is different but I won't go into) I realized I don't really have an issue so much with the comment "I deserve better than that,". I can agree that a lot of people deserve better than what they currently have. I realized anyone could say it and I probably wouldn't care because that is their issue not mine. I think the thing that bugs me is person who made the comment. I don't expect you to understand that, because you don't know all the facts to the situation. But it bugged me that such a person would make a comment like that when I know the pesons history and the decisions they have made in life, of which I didn't always agree with. It is hard for me to hear her say "I deserve better than that." when I see that she was not willing to fight or make the sacrifice for what she had ( at least in my opinion). In the end, I believe she took the easy way out of a particular situation and now wants to be rewarded "With something better." In my mind I found it somewhat hypicritical of the person. Again I don't expect you to necessarially understand that. Also I admit most of you are probably right, I shouldn't let this bother me, so I am going to let it go. It is not worth the brain power to think about it. It doesn't effect me. It is her life. In the end I shouldn't really have an issue with it, because I am making a judgement on her life and the decisions she made when I probably shouldn't. In the end I don't have to agree with her, but I have to respect her right to chose.

Lol

skippy740 said it best. Her standards have nothing to do with it. Her choice words is the issue. Dravin - You make me laugh. You are trying to nit pick and start an arguement that isn't even there. You are just like my brother who tries to do the same thing. You pick out words and phrases and then twist them around. My brother did the same thing when he tried to argue. I have even used that tactic before as well. So I am not going to get drawn in. You fail to see the big picture.

Dravin I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying. by standards I am saying / meaning the qualities she is looking for in a husband. She is definitely looking for someone who is active in the church. Just becuase someone isn't active in the church doesn't make him substandard, it just means he does not possess the qualities she is looking for. I personally believe that it doesn't make him less of a man or anything like that. I believe by her saying "I deserve better than that" she is making him sound substandard. that is why I don't like that comment. I am also saying if she is looking for someone who is active in the church she shouldn't give that up. She shouldn't settle. Again I am not implying that someone who is not active in the church is less of a person. I am just saying that such a person just doesn't meet my friends criterial for a future husband and therefore she shouldn't date him. that is why I say it would have been different if my friend had said "we are just not a good fit." She wouldn't have been putting him down, but also would be acknowledging that there are difference between them (active and not active) that she isn't looking for in a future husband.

OK this has been bugging me all day and so maybe I just need to get this out. So a friend stopped by last night and we started to talk. She started talking about her single life situation and a guy who was interested in her. She said the guy wasn't active in the church and so on. Then she made the comment that she would never date the guy because "I deserves better than that." Refering to the fact she deserves someone who is active in the church and so on. That comment just really bugs me. It just bugs me that people say "I deserve better than that," when refering to someone who is interested in them. Now don't get me wrong. If the guy isn't active in the church and isn't a worthy priesthood holder then she shouldn't go out with him if she doesn't want to. I am in no way implying that she should date him or comprimise her standards to date him. I guess my issue is that by saying "I deserve better than that." I feel the person is being condescending to the other person and is saying they are better than the other person. Does anyone else feel like that when they hear that comment? I mean it is one thing to say, "We are not a good fit." or "He just isn't my type.", but to say "I deserve better than that." I think is on a different level. Am I alone here or do other people feel the same way?

I don't know why this rumor gets started. My ward was on a two hour block one time for a few months a few years ago and the only reason was because the stake building was being renovated and 4 wards or so had to meet in one building. There wasn't enough time to fit all four wards in one building and have a three hour block and so they cut it down to two. Once the building was finished it was back to a 3 hour block I believe that is the same reason in Arizona as well. I have a sister down there and had a bishop with a son done there as well. The bishops son said the wards were growing faster than they had buildings for and so to accomodate everyone they had to go to a two hour block until enough buildings were built. I can't say for sure that is still the same reason now, becuase that was a few years ago, but I can't image the church going to a 3 hour block. Just no reason for it.

All this talk of desirable and picky make me wonder if I fall into the "desirable single men" category or some other category. LOL :) Let me see. In following beeche's list, I have a testimony, go to church ,go to the temple (only once a month though), have stable job, my own place to live, responsible for two little girls, and I personally believe I can talk about more than just sports. I guess I am doing OK??? :) I do have to say I agree with Saldrin. There are plenty of middle singles who are rather picky and that is why I think they are still single. I would say to Saldrin stay away from those types. They are not worth the effort. But I also agree with mirancs8. Don't settle just to fill the void. To the women out that, that is just so unattractive. I don't know. To me if you settle you are comprimising your values and are not showing faith. However, desirability is in the eye of the beholder. I guess it can be a fine line sometimes (picky verses holding out for what your interpretation of desirability is).

Mmm. Where do I start??? :) I feel like I am answering for all LDS men everywhere (a lot of presure here). :) No, in all seriousness let me see what I can come up with to answer your question first and then I can move on to your so called "theory". In regards to your question of "If you just got out of a marriage that was years of disappointment and unhappiness how is it that within months you are locking and loading?" I can only answer for myself, but I can throw out a few "theories" of my own regarding other guys . I honestly don't have a lot of single friends let alone only ones trying to get married (I am in Oregon and the single scene here is a little.......slow at best where I am at) and that is why I am can't speak for other guys. As for me and my situation though I am not in any rush to remarry, but I know I want to. My x left about 9 months ago and the divorce was finalized 6 month ago. I started to date again soon after the divorce was finalized. Why did I date so soon after the seperation and the divorce....Maybe it was a way to move on. I think a big chunk of it was the fact that things had been tough and difficult in my marriage for a few years due to choices of one person. therefore, when it was over, it wasn't like I was suprised or anything like that and I was ready to move on to a new life. How can I word it better. If you see the end coming or possible end coming you are not supprised when it happens and therefore it is not as hard to move on. Let me put it this way, if everything was nice and rosy in my marriage and then one day out of the blue my wife were to come to me and say she wanted a divorce, I would be shocked and hurt because I wasn't expecting it. It would also make it a lot harder to move on, don't you agree. However if we were having problems in our marriage for years and I could see the writing on the wall, then it wouldn't be such a suprise if my wife were to come to me and say she wanted a divorce and it also wouldn't be as hard to move on. I realized my marriage didn't work due to in large part the choices of one person. I am not trying to say I am perfect by any means, but you get my point. I saw the writting on the wall and when it was over I was ready to move on and therefore started to date again soon thereafter because I still believed in marriage and knew / know that is what I want long term. Now in regards to these guys getting remarried soon thereafter that is an other issue. I am not there yet so I don't know. Like I said, I am not in any rush, but I am dating. I would like to think that I wouldn't rush it if I do start dating someone serious, but wouldn't be suprised if things did happen somewhat quicker than people outside of the church. The reason why I say this (and this is part of my "theory"), is that I have a better idea as to what I am looking for in a potential wife. I mean I have a much clearer picture now than when I was in my 20s, when I first married, of what type of woman I want to marry and the qualities I am looking for. So I will be able to tell sooner than later if she will be a good fit or not. As for me personally, I see the steps in dating like this. 1. Go on a few dates to see if you "click". For me personally I also look to see if the person has the qualities I am looking for in a wife. If the person doesn't then there is no point to move on. 2 If you "click" then start to date and hang out more and then get serious if things progress. By serious I mean exclusive dating, not necessarially meaning you are going to marry but exclusive. 3. Then "date" as you put it and get to know each other better. Like you said people change once they get to know them and you get to know the person better. 4. Eventually you (the couple) will get to a point that they will decided whether marriage is in the cards in the long term and wil decided from there to stay together or move on. Again this just me. So....as for these guys remarrying soon after getting out of marriage my theories are this - 1. The guy may have been in a tough marriage and didn't receive the attention or connection with his wife that he wanted and so he moved on quicker to get that attention. Remember... if a guy is in a marriage where he is not receiving the attention or affection he wants, when it is over and someone else then shows him the attention he wants he will most likely jump at it. He will say "There is someone else out there that loves me or wants to be with me" and therefore jumps at the opportunity to be with that person. Even guy need to be wanted. 2.He may have a clearer picture as to what he wants (from being in a prior marriage that didn't work out) and so they are able to move quicker when it comes to dating and remarriage. 3. Like in my situation if the marriage was tough and he could see the writing on the wall then when the seperation does happen it probably isn't as tough to move on for the guy. 4. The guy may just be horny and needs to move on and get married before he get's himself into trouble if you know what I mean. These are only my theories though, so take it as that. You said you know why women move on quickly after getting out of long tough marriage and so I am curious about that. Do tell. :) As for your theory, I need to ask a question. Is your issue with the fact that guys don't "date" (as in getting to know the person better) because they are afraid the relationship may mean marriage or do you have issue with the fact the courtship / dating isn't long enough. The reason why I make this distinction is because I guess I see those as two different issues. Some guys just don't "date" because they have commitment issues and think that marriage is implied if they date seriously, which is seperate from the length of the "dating" / courtship process. Does that make sense or am I just splitting hairs? There are other threads discussing the appropriate courtship length so I don't want to go into that. However just in short, the courtship process tends to be shorter in the church because we are encouraged to marry and that is the main goal of most singles in the church. With that goal in mind, the end (marriage) tends to come quicker (ie shorter courtship). Where as outside the church (please correct me if I am wrong) people tend to date for fun and to get to know people better. My guess is that marriage is a second thought once the couple has been together long enough and they think maybe it is time we get married. OK this response is long enough. Hopefully this helps. I am curious as to your thoughts.

mirancs8: "I have found out very quickly that LDS men (I've met) have no concept of how to actually date." I find this very amusing. It makes me laugh (in a good way). So how should an LDS man "actually date"? Being a single LDS man myself I am curious. I also could use all the help I can get. :)