WilliamK

Thanks for the response. Yeah I don't think I get to have what I want in this situation. She wants out and I don't think she is going to change her mind. EVERYTHING is in my name. House, cars, etc. She has abused drugs (not anymore), committed adultery, and neglected her responsibilities to raise her children "up to the Lord" which sounds corny but what I mean is that if she were to have the children that they would not be taken to church most of the time. I guess what I wish is that she would just leave. No fight no mess no bother - just go away. That won't bring me happiness - just some measure of sanity. She is going to come home at noon today with some bs story about how she helped her friend with her sick kids and I have to just sit there and pretend all is okay. I get the feeling that letting her know I know will just start the inevitable battle that I really don't feel ready to have. Anyone know if Utah still awards custody to the mother if infidelity is involved? I know that in most states Adultery is not even considered in the divorce process. No one really cares about that anymore. Its the same as two friends having a milkshake together in today's world. I don't want to be a jerk. I know she is entitled to some money/property/etc. What I don't want though is to have some guy with a robe and a gavel deciding what "equitable" means. I would rather have all the chips and decide personally what I think is equitable. In this case I think if I give her half the house equity, half the assets - one of the cars, etc. That I should not have to pay her alimony. I would also like to have custody of the kids but I know how Utah judges are about awarding custody to the mothers. I can't believe I'm just sitting here calmly writing all this. I must be in shock or something. I don't feel anything at all. Except a little humiliation and embarrassment. No anger though. Its weird.

The short version of the story is that my wife is cheating on me as I write this. She doesnt yet know that I know. She is in a hotel with her work partner and her car is parked out front. I took a few pictures but I dont have the stomach for anything else. (like breaking the door down and confronting them) lol. Anyway, am I still going to be on the hook for alimony etc. and have to share custody of the kids? This is so surreal that I am not really feeling anything right now except shock.

K update number...? I forget - I finally broke down and checked out my wife's email. Had an itinerary for her work "friend" coming to Utah this weekend. She said she was going to a friends house to help her w sick kids. However, I drove by the hotel and guess what? Her car is in the parking lot! This just keeps getting more and more sickening...

My wife had a number of those "harmless" conversations with a work friend where he helped her come to the conclusion that she did not love me anymore and should leave me. I would have to say that while it may not be a sin, it is certainly potentially destructive.

You have no idea how great it is just to get those kind responses from all of you. Thank you very much. Yeah if I can get her to go to counseling I am up for it. I think it might be too late though. I know I'm far from perfect and I can't fault the woman for being sick of me. lol. Again i just really appreciate your feedback. Also, to those of you who have shared your own stories of struggle here - I really hope that things will turn out well for you. You are great for caring about someone you don't even know, and for taking the time to address my needs when you too are feeling the pressures of these latter days. Your courage in dealing with your problems have been an inspiration for me to work harder to get through this time and come out of it closer to the Lord and hopefully a better man as well. Thank you!

Well, I don't think she has been cheating physically cause the discussions have all been over the phone while she has been home in her office. It still sucks though. I told her I wanted to do the counseling thing and she hasn't responded so far. She suffers from depression / anxiety and for many many years she would spend her days in bed. She many times would start to leave the house to go to the store and then turn around and go get back in bed because she was too scared. She has seen a lot of doctors who had tried many different combinations of drugs. therapists too and through it all I stayed by her side. I vowed to be there in sickness and health and never had thoughts of abandoning her. Then, a doctor finally found the right combo of drugs and she started to do much better. She lost weight, started taking care of the house a little bit, and I was so happy - for all the members of our family. But I guess what all this has done is give her the self confidence to do what she has wanted to do for a while which is to leave. She says she is planning to get an apartment near by. We have three kids 14, 12, and 10. Perfect ages to understand what is going on and be hurt deeply by it. I feel sick inside. I feel so sad. I feel helpless. God has absolutely been there for me but he has not answered my prayers the way I want them answered. 17 years down the drain. No job, wife leaving for greener pastures, as the Brits say: "disaster" :-)

K update time. The wife just told me that for years she has considered me "just a friend" and said she wants to move out! Classic.

Just a question on this topic: Does the First presidency ever send back a response that says "after reading your letter we have decided that you should stay sealed and refuse to cancel your temple marriage?

[quote name=Yes, my night was terrible. I slept in my car for the most part, but it was not only freezing outside, but I was uncomfortable. I never bothered to contact him nor complain about anything. I dealt with it. Finally one point in the night, he said it was okay for me to come home, but to keep away from him. I eventually, out of being so cold and in pain (and still sick, might I add), I finally arrived home late in the night, when he was already asleep. I very rarely think divorce is a good solution. Please consider that when I say I think you should ditch the guy asap. the church is there to help you out if you need money to get started again. GO NOW!!! I'll be praying for you :-)

When I was the Sunday school president of our ward there was a boy who consistently ruined the teacher's lessons. He didn't have autism or any other condition making it difficult for him to control himself. He was just a rude little punk. I expressed my concerns to his father and suggested that maybe he be pulled out of the class when he insisted on clowning around and preventing anyone else from learning. His father responded "maybe some teachers need to just do their jobs and control their classrooms". He was the bishop lol. Anyway - the kid remained the arrogant obnoxious little punk all the way leading up to his farewell. Well, guess what? Home he came without explanation after 4 or 5 months and hung out with all of us for a while before going back. No judgment here, just wondering what would have been different had he been called on his behavior when he was 15....

Thank you all for your kind replies. Advice is tough to take sometimes but good advice it all was.

I don't really have a listening ear and I thought maybe someone could give me some feedback on a rough situation I'm going through. I am unemployed for the first time since I was 16 years old (now in my 40s). After 10 years my company decided that my market was too small to justify having someone here full time. I've been unemployed for over a year. It has been very humbling. I can't blame the economy though. I am waistline challenged, I have some gray in my hair, and I was paid more than anyone could demand in today's job climate. I have come to realize that when I apply for a position that there will always be several candidates that are 15 years younger, prettier, and willing to do my job for half of what my salary was. For the first year I busted my butt trying to find work. you name it I did it. I even interviewed with a company that made me take their training as part of a second job interview - at the end of which I had to walk over hot coals. I got second degree burns all over my feet but I didn't get a call back. I know, that was a really stupid thing to do but I was literally willing to do just about anything. Today I am still trying to find a job - but to be honest I am just going through the motions. I'm tired of the rejection. My ward is nice but I am growing weary of the "have you found work yet?" I get each Sunday. I wish one of them would send me a job lead instead. (yeah I've asked). I've worked and reworked my "network" of friends and associates and I have gotten a few interviews but I have yet to be chosen. My wife has lost respect for me because she has had to go to work for the first time in 14 years to supplement my unemployment insurance and she makes it quite clear on a daily basis that she loathes it. She keeps saying that that is not how God intended it. She is supposed to be taking care of our kids and the house and I am supposed to be the provider. In other words I am failing miserably as a husband / father right now. I go to church each Sunday with my kids and my wife joins us about half the time. She often excuses herself saying that the work week was just too draining and she needs to recharge. lately she has taken to going into her office at night after work and talking to a co worker for hours. Sometimes till 2 or 3 in the morning. She says it is just work related. That she needs his help as she gets familiar with her new job and that he is teaching her a lot that will help her be successful. She also says she needs to blow off steam with a co worker who understands her frustrations because he has them too. I have tried to talk to her, help her, etc. but with me she is just quiet and depressed. She won't talk to me much at all. If life were lagoon I would say that I have ridden the roller coasters until I am sick and the idea of getting back in line is a horrible one. I just want to go home. I won't of course because I love my kids and don't want them to have to suffer because of my cowardice or selfishness. I'm also terrified of the eternal ramifications. So I just wake up every day and live it with a kind of sad quiet desperation. I know that sounds melodramatic but that's really how I feel. I hate my situation and I see absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel powerless to change things. I've spent a lot of time on my knees and I think God has made it pretty clear that I'm supposed to fix things on my own. He wants me to learn, grow, etc. the thing is, I'm just too dang tired to try anymore. complete fail lol. Anyway, If anyone has actually made it to the end of this novel I would love an outsider's perspective. (It felt nice just to write it all out actually) :-) Thanks

Our bishop is so funny - he is a really young guy and he often looks at his wife during Sac Mtg and says something like "wow you look beautiful today Sister ......." Well, its funny to me at least :-)