Aaltjmom

It is one thing to counsel you to be more kind, patient, tolerant, loving, respectful. . . . . It is another thing, in the heat of those very annoying, frustrating moments to do so. I hear your frustration, desperation and heartache through your "ranting and raving". I hear a woman who has had to be strong for a very very long time, who is tired and wants to be taken care of, cherished, and nurtured. What I also hear is that the super woman cape has been on so long that you do not know how to take it off long enough to be taken care of. It is down right scary to take it off... What if no one shows up for you. What if you are left open exposed and vulnerable. To allow yourself to wait on another to take care of things/you is so very very hard when every one who was supposed to do that for you in your past has let you down. It can actually feel life treatening in a way. I know all about this. I wore a super woman cape that was fastened with something so strong it took a nuclear bomb to remove it. Actually what finally removed it was divorce and the atonement. My prayer for you is that the desire that brought you here for some assistance, will work in you; well up in you and help you come to your knees. Your answer is in the Savior. What I found is that my super woman cape was not only on in my daily life of walking, talking and surviving. It was on very privately in prayer. You see I didn't trust that He would show up for me either. I was of the mindset that if I was "good enough", "superwoman enough" I would merit his blessings. Until then I was on my own. Problem with that was I measured myself against perfection and never allowed myself the green light to "deserve" His help. You obviously have a place in you that wants something different or you wouldn't have taken the time to come here and write out your frustrations and feelings. Take those same frustrations and feelings to the Lord. It will be okay. He knows your past. He knows why you wear the cape. He knows that deep inside you want to know and experience what it is to be a cherished woman. Let Him know how frustrated you are with how you are handling things, but that you have no idea what else to do because you do not know what it feels like to be able to trust. Then pause and be still. . . . . Ask Him to teach you. Ask Him to help you. Be aware that asking for your husband to change is not what is needed here. This is between you and the Lord. He will help you. I promise. You can have all that He has promised. The atonement heals not only our sins against others but also all wounds we have suffered due to others sins against us. That means ALL wounds. You will find a deep capacity for charity, respect, and gratitude if you are willing to allow The Lord to teach you how. It is a beautiful thing to trade in your superwoman cape for a queenly robe. The truth is you are a daughter of a KING. The robes that a queen wears have power. The right kind of power that has impact and influence for good and for the betterment of others. I would like to offer you two resources that helped me immensely. The first one is a book called "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell. The second is the CD set "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs It comes in book form as well but I found it to really speak to my heart in the way I understood and integrated the principles when I listened to it being read by the author. I suggest the fist one first, and soon. You will make it through this period of your relationship. Exercise faith that our Savior loves YOU. All parts of you. Ask Him to teach you to Love yourself as much and purely as He loves you. Then ask for Trust. I am excited about what is around the corner for you and your husband if you do! Ann

My heart aches for you!!! My husband had an affair with my best friend which resulted in a baby. They both denied it. They were just friends, I was just crazy. That was 8 years ago. I know your pain. I went to church and saw the child every Sunday. I know the trauma. The pain is so deep, and the confusion of how you are supposed to function is overwhelming. I only have my own experience to draw from, I hope it helps in some way. It was not an easy road but I took very very seriously two truths. One is that the atonement is real, and that it's power has the ability to heal all pain especially, I found out, the pain, bittness, anger, hurt, confusion, embarrassment, inadequacy, that comes from someone else's sin against you. The other truth I found is that Nephi was absolutely courageously truthful when he stated that "I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men save he prepare a way for them to accomplish that which he commandeth them." I had been taught all my life that I was supposed to forgive everyone. No matter what. That was easy until this. I had a right to be angry, I had never ever ever done anything wrong to this woman. I had stayed true to my covenants. I had been wronged, repeatedly. Yet I had been commanded to forgive. I had to admit to the Lord that I had no idea how. This was too big. It was huge !!! And to tell the truth I just plain honestly didn't want to. My faith in the Savior and His promises of healing and never leaving me alone was all I had. I had to choose between pain or something else that I didn't even know what or if I could even feel. Down on my knees I went. I admitted that I didn't know how to forgive. All my life in the church and I didn't know how. . . . . . . So with all every ounce of faith that I could muster I pled, "teach me." One of the first things that happened is that I found myself at church for the sole purpose of connecting with God so that I could breathe through the next day. Rumors were flying through the ward as well as me having to see her and the baby. Somehow the Lord buffered all of that. It became me and Him; very personal instruction and worship. I stopped caring about anyone or anything other than that relationship with my Father in Heaven. I didn't will myself into this. He, through the power of the atonement and my willingness to allow it to help me, gave this gift to me. Many many more gifts have been given. So much so that I cherish experiencing this refining trial. I know how hard this is. As I said in the beginning of this post. My heart aches for you. Deeply deeply aches. Moving is not going to take the pain. Staying is not going to take the pain. Seeing or not seeing her is not going to take the pain. Keeping you children away from hers is not going to take the pain. The only way for you to heal to the point that you feel like you are back on stable and comfortable ground again, and you have place in your heart for genuine love, compassion and gratitude, is for you ask Him to take the pain and apply the healing powers of the atonement. When I got to this point I also had to ask Him to show me what He sounded like to me. Again, all my life in the church and I had to admit that maybe I didn't really know what it sounded like when he was speaking directly to me. I asked him, "please teach me what you sound like to ME!" Once I started recognizing His guidance I realized I needed courage to do everything I was being told to do, so I asked for that too. In every step, I learned to hear Him, through every act of courage I learned to trust Him, and each time I was healed by Him. This can be the most holy experience of your life if you allow Him to walk it with you. I pray that you will. If you would like some support and really talk about things I am willing and available. You can private message me if you wish. Hang in there. Things will get better and you will find peace again. Ann