Subir Valhalla

I know how you feel. After 7 years of marriage to my wife, I only in the past couple of months realized that I married her "on a rebound". I was in a relationship after my mission that ended very poor and I've always been a guy that seemed to need to be with someone since I was about 17. My advice would be that many people will tell you "the past is the past and it doesn't matter" when this idea is flawed. If the past never matters, then the present never matters because we're constantly leaving the present and adding it to our past. The past does matter. The LDS faith relies on the truth of the past to make their claims about so much. However, when it comes to people and relationships this reasoning is set aside. No one who discovered a flaw in the foundation of their house ever said "Well...this is a pretty good house. It's working right now, and perhaps it will work indefinitely, so we don't need worry ourselves with repair the foundation." Said no one ever. There have been many marriages end because their first couple days together they hooked up randomly, or they were bored and pursued a relationship, etc. These couple had a ruptured foundation from the start and continued to build their house (i.e. life) onto of a broken foundation. I do believe that people can change and wounds can heal through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and through open dialogue. But when it comes to marriages I have often found the reoccurring question to be a continual interview process. "Do I still want a relationship with X. Do I still see the excellence and virtue of my spouse. Many times it is children and keep couples together, and not virtue per say. I would recommend if you have a good life and you know it, stick with him. You may have married the wrong guy 11 years ago but as an old Italian friend once told me, "when you marry your wife [or husband] you date so many more people in you lifetime than if you were single" because he told me "you wife will be a different woman every year". You husband is a good guy and he at least deserves the truth about your feelings, regardless of consequences, and a chance to be the man who proves your heart.

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people. On the other hand some comments have been very helpful, and I have given them much thought.

Hello all, I'm surprised, but not from many responses. My the pitch forks come out on thought experiments don't they: Thank you for establishing that sharing your thoughts about a topic can qualify you (meaning me) as a (1) troll (2) narcissistic (3) most disturbing post ever (4) gross My SIL is a beautiful and good person, I never said or alluded to inappropriate or sexual thoughts, although some more nuanced readers might have picked up on that I like the Meme, short message perhaps best response right behind lostinwater's response The original questions (OQ) I feel some where addressed by many weren't. I will re-state again for clarity. Update After the Visit from Natalie My in-laws came over this past weekend. I spoke and listened to conversation with Natalie, my SIL. Nothing happened. I mean it was great to see her after a long time, but she's changed and I figured out that the person I construct in my mind isn't the same as the person in front of me. Let's Try Again, the OQ Can replies be related to my original questions? Stated below in numbered bullets for simplicity. How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness? How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now." What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what? Alright then. Let's see what comes of these responses.

You married the wrong guy it sounds like.

Intro: Will you marry me Years ago when my wife and I were recently married, and her younger sister was a teenager at the time, she asked me one time something along the lines of "if I was single would you marry me?" I was shocked at the question and quickly changed the subject because of the impropriety of it all. She could have asked a totally different question like "do you believe I have virtue and personal qualities that would make me someone appealing to good guys." She didn't think through the question but just gave the raw honest question. Awkward. Fast forward some 5 or 6 years later, and now the answer is sometimes I think about that, and more. I think about wanting to be with my sister-in-law. Yikes or gross? For the past two years just about every time I engage in dialogue or conversation, or if we're talking on the phone I just realize how awesome of a person she is. She also is very attractive and very down to earth. My wife, who is her older sister, is one of the best people I have ever met, and I am happily married (I will get back to this later.). She, my sister-in-law, let's call her Natalie, on our last phone call, gave me some kind compliments. Recently Natalie said, "that seeing my kids makes her want to have kids of her own" and on another occasion told my wife that she looks up to our me and my wife's marriage. I spoke to her recently and I told her I had to go which he firstly said "Okay, I love you. I will talk to you later." This is abnormal as I tell this to my actual sisters, and I come from a very open loving family. But is this appropriate for my sister-in-law? Why? Just why?! God Complex or something I think I have some more psychological issues going on, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I have these feelings about Natalie now, but I have noticed that I am just a huge flirt. I don't try to flirt with other women, but I love attention from women and talking to them. I just find the back and forth intriguing and the novelty of getting to know the other person something I love to do. I enjoy making new friends, and we're the type of people that invite friends from Church over for Sunday dinners, through Christmas parties, I mean I joke with my wife that my nickname in high school was OFG. One fun guy. I know that not every woman is interested in me, but I get so confused because I'm a friend and outgoing guy who isn't afraid of being both men and women compliments; e.g. my guy friend from church I always talk to I call him "Ken Doll" because he's ridiculously good-looking dude, and trust me I'm not gay, I just call it like it is. Anyways, I can recognize the Spirit where the lines are. When introducing myself to the attendant at the gym, and the conversation lingers too long and she seems friendly I end the conversation and move on. Etc. etc. I practice on the Spencer W. Kimball rules about not being along with other single or married women which I totally agree with. But why am I seeking interest from someone outside my spouse? A good friend, and a good guy, but I'm holding a grenade in my family room Because this is anonymous, we can be honest. I'm a good guy. Putting modesty aside and we're all adults we know what that generally means. I have a temple recommend, been married in the temple, make 6 figures, serve in multiple church callings, my wife stays home with our kids, I give anonymous amounts of money to friends and family, 100% home teaching, serving widows, I don't say all of this because I need internet approval, but to just make the point that I'm not a bad person or looking to hurt people. People want to be my friend, and I try to make many friends. But I have noticed something has been in leadership callings before. The more "successful" men become the more likely they are to cheat, steal, lie and blow up their family. Pride is the sin of Zion, someone wiser than me once said. We have about 6 active divorce LDS moms in our ward. All of them were cheated on by their husbands, who were, all 6 figure respectable professionals with an appearance about a 6. The same pattern reoccurs again and again. Good looking guy with money can't take the attention of other women and blows up their family. Welcome to divorce court where men have no rights. Goodbye life. I understand that I fit that profile. I'm a solid 7-8 being overweight if I lost 20 lbs. I'm a 9. I'm actually scared of losing weight because I remember being thinner and have more attention from women. I don't want to blow up my family, and I don't want to be unfaithful. I've learned that sad song of sorrow before and look to learn from error of my past. The Scenario on Repeat with Natalie We're alone. Only myself and Natalie sitting on a park bench. I look at her and tell her, "Natalie, remember when you asked me a long time ago if you were wifey material? [her reply] then I respond, Well, the answer is that you absolutely are. You are an amazing, smart, funny, beautiful and talented person and perhaps even in another lifetime, since you asked, I would be lucky to married to you." I have a near overwhelming desire to tell this to her, but I know if I do I'm pulling the pin on the grenade.Almost to see what her reaction would be. Would she reciprocate? Would she get awkward? I dunno, but not knowing is exactly why it's appealing. The Ask How can I have a relationship with my sister in law and not feel this way? If I am flirting, or sending signals of interest to women, how do I stop or recognize I'm doing it? How can I be obsessed with my wife, to the point I don't seek interest elsewhere? What if I tell my sister in law my "scenario"? Please and thank you. -Ragnar