Proofs That You Can Use

[Guest bat]

The argument from the round earth.

1. People once thought the Earth was flat

2. The earth was actually round

3. Therefore all of modern science, including archeology, is wrong.

4. Therefore the Nephites are real.

5. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from Ed Decker

1. Ed Decker is a wicked little imp of a man

2. We hates him, we do. Nasty Deckerses.

3. Therefore, the church is true.

The argument from Nibley.

1. So you see. And then it all comes out. And the definition of "Woohoo" is

actually from a Hittite tablet we find buried in the red sea under a chariot

(which I asked some grad students to explain and they couldn't) and it said

"woohoo boohoo foofoo". Now in ancient mystic Egypt, before they invented

papyrus, "woohoo boohoo foofoo" was the name of the God of the "multi-layered"

heaven, and therefore you see that the ancient pre-literate Egyptians were

actually Mormons at heart!

2. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from the End of Days.

1. If God wanted you to readily believe in the church, He'd come down here and

take over openly.

2. But He's not going to do that until the new millenium you see?

3. And you can see that He hasn't yet come down here and taken over right?

4. Therefore, the church is true.

The argument from The Three Nephites.

1. There are three immortal white guys who have been walking around North

America for 2000 years.

2. Some Native American legends talk about "white ghosts".

3. I bet those stories are about the Three Nephites!

4. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from Cain.

1. Cain was a bad bad man and God cursed him with a distinguishing mark.

2. Although the Bible says nothing about Cain not dying, I bet he's wandering

around the Earth cursed and forlorn.

3. Bigfoot is a wierd and intriguing myth.

4. I bet all those sightings of Bigfoot are really of CAIN!!!!

5. Cool.

6. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from arbitrary punishment.

1. I heard my aunt tell a story about a guy who wanted to wear his earring into

the temple.

2. The bishop told him not to.

3. But he did it anyway, and covered it with his long hair.

4. The next week he got indigestion and missed his friend's superbowl party..

5. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from evolution

1. Evolution says life on earth is the result of natural processes and humans

arose in Africa.

2. But we know that God made Adam and Eve in his image and they lived in

Missouri (before Zelph did).

3. Therefore the church is true.

The Parental Argument

1. See this car, you'll get it when you get back from your mission.

2. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from aversion to celibacy

1. In the Kingdoms of Heaven, only those in the Celestial Kingdom will be

married.

2. And they'll be polygamous.

3. The rest of you will be neutered.

4. I would like to live in Heaven forever with a harem of hot immortal women,

rather than be neutered.

5. Therefore, the church is true.

The Mormon Ontological argument

1. I can imagine having a really great wife.

2. If I can imagine a great wife, I can imagine the greatest wife of all time.

3. I can even imagine having two hundred of them and living forever as a God

with them.

4. That would be perfect.

5. Since for something to be perfect it must be real, then my imaginings of

perfection must be real.

6. Therefore the church is true.

Argument from Kant

1. I bet you can't prove anything is really what you think it is.

2. See, you can't!

3. Therefore, the reality behind your perception is probably what Joseph Smith

said it is.

4. Therefore, the church is true.

Argument from ineffective mass-murder weaponry

1. My brother was on a mission in a nasty third world country where there are

no seatbelts.

2. He was riding a bus to a baptism and it got hit by a mortar killing 42

peasants.

3. But he was unscathed, and got to the baptism on time.

4. Therefore the church is true.

Argument from exposed wiring

1. My friend was on a mission in a place with poor electrical work.

2. While he was taking a shower, the maid knocked over his radio and he was

electrocuted.

3. What was the maid doing in his bathroom while he was "showering"?

4. Regardless, it was his time to go minister in Heaven.

5. Therefore the church is true.

Argument from effective blessings

1. I gave a blessing to a sick person and they got better.

2. Therefore the church is true.

Argument from drunken blessings

1. The bishop of my friend's ward was drinking secretly.

2. He gave a blessing to a sick person.

3. That person died.

4. Therefore the church is true.

The Mormon Cosmological argument.

1. Something caused the universe to exist.

2. It wasn't God, because he is part of a society of Gods, and his home is here

in this galaxy, near Kolob.

3. It wasn't his God, because he is part of a long line of Gods.

4. What was it?

5. It must have been something!

6. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from Leviticus.

1. Leviticus says that homosexuality is wrong.

2. It also says you should sell your daughter into slavery if she gives you any

lip.

3. It also says you should gather your friends and stone your neighbor to death

if he sacrifices a bull on the wrong day.

4. Those ideas are all stupid and primitive.

5. Except the one about homosexuality.

6. Therefore the church is true.

The argument from evil

1. God has a plan for everything.

2. He must allow bad things to happen because we learn and grow from them.

3. Yes, even small children who were chopped up by machetes in Rwanda while

their mothers watched.

4. Yes, even the kids who were sent to the ovens on the kindertransport in Nazi

Germany.

5. You see, horrible things DO happen to innocent people! Just as God planned.

6. Therefore the church is true.

[Ray]

I'm sure someone will appreciate this list.

Doing things to help people is a good thing.

People who do good things are good people.

Therefore you must be a good person. :)

[Lindy]

Bat~

I laughed at every paragraph .

.......except the last one that's when the laughter subsided....

The argument from evil.....

.....horrible things DO happen to innocent people

yes bad things happen to good people

and good things happen to bad people

life isn't fair sometimes, but we have to deal with it the best we can.

RAY~

People who do good things are good people.

Therefore you must be a good person. 

Just between you and me...The truth? I think he is too!

[AFDaw]

Nice cutting and pasting Bat :)

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 09:24 PM

Nice cutting and pasting Bat :)

Nice quip to the cutting and pasting whoever you are.

[Guest antishock82003]

Bat,

AFD is a closet doubter. Otherwise she wouldn't have known it was a paste job.

Sincerely,

AS8

The Argument from the First Presidency

1. The Church is True. And pay your tithing.

2. Pay your tithing, pray about it, and don't doubt #1 or you're under Satan's influence. Definitely pay your tithing, though.

3. Read lots and lots of stuff from the Ensign, and the Church News. Oh, and buy lots of books from the Apostles and GA's, and oh, the Prophet, too. Pay your tithing.

4. Whatever you do, just believe the Church regarding the Church's Truthfulness. And pay tithing.

5. The Church is True (pay your tithing).

[AFDaw]

And apparently AS thinks he has psychic powers.

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by antishock82003@Jan 27 2004, 09:32 PM

AFD is a closet doubter. Otherwise she wouldn't have known it was a paste job.

You're always the last to know. Why is that?

[AFDaw]

Originally posted by antishock82003@Jan 27 2004, 09:32 PM

Otherwise she wouldn't have known it was a paste job.

Or maybe I used MY special power of common sense?

You're not the only "gifted" one on the board AS :)

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw+Jan 27 2004, 09:46 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (AFDaw @ Jan 27 2004, 09:46 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--antishock82003@Jan 27 2004, 09:32 PM

Otherwise she wouldn't have known it was a paste job.

Or maybe I used MY special power of common sense?

You're not the only "gifted" one on the board AS :)

Only priesthood holders have that. Shouldn't you be in the kitchen making me a sandwich or something?

[AFDaw]

Ohhh...trying to hurt me with a comment that is trying to belittle me?

If only your words hurt me Bat.

But hey...try again :)

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 09:51 PM

Ohhh...trying to hurt me with a comment that is trying to belittle me?

If only your words hurt me Bat.

But hey...try again :)

I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was pointing out that your place is in the kitchen. Your computer isn't in the kitchen, so stop saying silly things on the computer and go make me a sandwich, woman.

[AFDaw]

Again with the woman thing. Seriously...TRY to come up with some new material. Because I can guarantee you that this will wear out faster on your than it will on me.

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 09:56 PM

Again with the woman thing. Seriously...TRY to come up with some new material. Because I can guarantee you that this will wear out faster on your than it will on me.

Why, do you get enough of it at church, and you are now impervious to my cultural generalizations?

Where is that sandwich?

[AFDaw]

Because what you say and/or think can not hurt me. Because I am secure enough in my own place in life. Because everytime you say something it only proves to me even more that what I believe in is right. Because I recognize the type of person you are and know what you're trying to do.

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 10:03 PM

Because what you say and/or think can not hurt me. Because I am secure enough in my own place in life. Because everytime you say something it only proves to me even more that what I believe in is right. Because I recognize the type of person you are and know what you're trying to do.

Really? Please tell me what my motives are. I hope that your explanation involves being coerced by "Satan".

[Guest bat]

Try to end your explanation with: "Therefore the church is true" so that I can add it to the list.

[AFDaw]

See, that's just a pointless question. No matter what I say, you'll come back and say it's not true. So I don't see a need to answer it. Just that you're not the first one to ever make comments like you do. I know, I know...you THINK you're being original and all, but you're not.

But like I said. Every comment you or any other person who doesn't believe what I believe says to try to shake my faith or get under my skin or ruffle my feathers or whatever cliche you want to use, only builds my testimony even more.

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 10:11 PM

See, that's just a pointless question. No matter what I say, you'll come back and say it's not true. So I don't see a need to answer it. Just that you're not the first one to ever make comments like you do. I know, I know...you THINK you're being original and all, but you're not.

But like I said. Every comment you or any other person who doesn't believe what I believe says to try to shake my faith or get under my skin or ruffle my feathers or whatever cliche you want to use, only builds my testimony even more.

Therefore the church is true.

See how easy that was? Though I would have preferred you to accuse me of being under the control of some mythical bad guy that isn't real. Could you possibly try again?

[AFDaw]

The church is true. Glad you're finally seeing the light :)

[Guest bat]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 10:17 PM

The church is true. Glad you're finally seeing the light :)

Bat is a minion of Satan

AFDawn says so.

Therefore the church is true.

Yay!

[Guest antishock82003]

Originally posted by AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 10:11 PM

See, that's just a pointless question. No matter what I say, you'll come back and say it's not true. So I don't see a need to answer it. Just that you're not the first one to ever make comments like you do. I know, I know...you THINK you're being original and all, but you're not.

But like I said. Every comment you or any other person who doesn't believe what I believe says to try to shake my faith or get under my skin or ruffle my feathers or whatever cliche you want to use, only builds my testimony even more.

So, your testimonkey is built on a House of Strife? It grows through contention? That's an odd way of believing something.

AFD's Argument through Persecution

1. You made fun of my testimonkey!

2. Early Church members were driven from Nauvoo.

3. I feel persecuted.

4. Therefore the Church is True!

[StrawberryFields]

Something I have learned.

You can't change the way people are... you can only change the way in which you react or don't react to them.

[Blessed]

Originally posted by bat+Jan 27 2004, 10:50 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (bat @ Jan 27 2004, 10:50 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

Originally posted by -AFDaw@Jan 27 2004, 09:46 PM

<!--QuoteBegin--antishock82003@Jan 27 2004, 09:32 PM

Otherwise she wouldn't have known it was a paste job.

Or maybe I used MY special power of common sense?

You're not the only "gifted" one on the board AS :)

Only priesthood holders have that. Shouldn't you be in the kitchen making me a sandwich or something?

That is why I am a member of Community of Christ. I can be gifted and make a sandwich!!! ROFL

[AFDaw]

So, your testimonkey is built on a House of Strife? It grows through contention? That's an odd way of believing something.

AFD's Argument through Persecution

1. You made fun of my testimonkey!

2. Early Church members were driven from Nauvoo.

3. I feel persecuted.

4. Therefore the Church is True!

Wow...you might want to brush up on your reading and understanding skills, cause it looks like you missed the point.

Try again, k thanks.