A foster parent - Me?

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Me, a foster parent?

My fiance called me at work and shared with me that her younger sister's three children were being taken away and the state of washington had called her to see if she would be willing to take the children in. She asked me what I thought and if she wanted to, would I support her in this decision. Unfortunately, had to make a quick decision and did not have enough time to talk it thoroughly over. I agreed.

After we passed the background check, my fiance and I now have her sisters two youngest children living with us.This all happened last week.

These two children have been in an abusive home (not clear on who the abuser is) and both my fiance and I have noticed some behavioral problems. They are very active children and have adapted quite well. In fact, they have taken a liking to me.

My fiance has taken time off from work - paid leave and I am jealous about that - and I work swing monday - friday.

My question is two-fold. First, I am feeling a bit awkward because even though I have three of my own, I still have not been a parent (except for the past almost two years to her ten year old boy, and even then I am more of a friend to him than a parential figure) and the adjustment is mixed on my part.

I grew up old school style. While I was not abused, I was spanked when out of line. Nowadays we can't do that. The frustrating part is trying to help these two youngin's that what they were used to at home, they have to change. I know this is not going to happen overnight, but it is got me worried that they are going to have a harder time developing good manners when it comes to listening when being asked.

These two young children are 3 and 2 years old. We are in the process of potty training them and they are actually being quite cooperative. I understand kids will be kids, however they think that it is a game when they get a bit out of line and run off laughing when we are trying to get them to come back into the apartment or to settle down.

Essentially, this is all new to me and both my fiance and I are trying to get some boundaries set. What are positive motivating factors that her and I can implement to help these two young children adapt and adjust and develop better manner's and behaviors. The potty training is going quite well, and we praise them for it.

Plus, her son is an only child so he is not used to sharing his room and now has to share his room and his mothers attention (which was hard when his mom and I started dating).

Some of the things we are trying to teach them are:

1) eat at the table during meal times

2) pick up clothes and stuff

3) no biting, hitting or kicking

4) no saying "no" to us when we ask them to do things.

Any advice or comments are more than welcomed here.

[hordak]

1) eat at the table during meal times

2) pick up clothes and stuff

3) no biting, hitting or kicking

4) no saying "no" to us when we ask them to do things.

Any advice or comments are more than welcomed here.

I think that's based on the age and not so much on the new situation. I have a 3 and 4 year old and they have these issues as well.

1) Have a dog? After my kids lost some food to the dog they were more inclined to eat at the table. Also it is important that someones there eating with them. Make it a group activity.

2) The only way i can get my kids to pick up is if i am right there with them.At that age it is hard to get them to do it on there own(unless you bribe them)

3)Never had a problem with biting but my kids fight like Bob Probert and Tie Domi. I wish i had something to offer but i can't stop it in my home.

4) Kids love to say no. It is the most powerful word they hear. I changed to not right now but the kids just started saying that instead.

Kudos to you for taking on such a huge responsibility. Hope it works out good for you.

[prospectmom]

I am a new foster parent also but my new dear daughter is 14....... :} I would trade you:} not really but the challenges of bringing another child into the home is difficult for me, and my sweet girl can dress and feed herself.... I wasn't thinkng about the part of now I have twins one month and one day apart.... both freshmen this year both in cheerleading and sports well and then there is my 12 yr old son.... sorry I am going on about myself......

advice----- make meal time a family time activity/ everyone has a job no matter how small.... helping set the table/ bring condiments/ etc.........

I know some will laugh but Supernanny has some great ideas for younger children, catch it on tv sometime.... A time out spot .. a must in my eyes

The older child needs some kind of reward system and encouragement to be the example and helper who can reall make a difference in these little ones lives.........

You are doing a great thing and I know from your posts you have the ability to make this work.... Good luck!!!!!!! :}

[mightynancy]

I second the Supernanny advice! She has some really effective techniques.

Kids won't just do work on their own - they will do it if you're working by their side. Little kids are like aliens from another planet - they've only been here a couple of years and don't know what's expected of them (especially if they've come from a bad situation).

Family mealtimes are important. Your work schedule makes it hard, but make sure your fiancee sits with them to eat (and you too when you're home). She can make a game of it sometimes by having the kids copy her as she eats properly.

When my kids were little (and still, to a degree), I tried to keep the NO's to a minimum. Instead, I said what I wanted them to do. Rather than saying "Don't talk with your mouth full!" try "Please close your lips when you're eating."

At school we use photos of what we expect. We have a photo of a child's desk when it's tidy, a child raising his hand, etc. That way, when we tell them to clean off their desks, they can see what that looks like for us.

My kids used to leave stuff everywhere. We worked from "Hey! Put your backpack away!" to "Your backpack belongs in your room." to "Backpack." Fewer words are better - I try to keep the tone pleasant.

Good luck and best wishes - this won't be easy but you're making a HUGE difference in these kids' lives. :)

[Guest TheLutheran]

SeattleTruthSeeker~

Hey neighbor! I'm over here on a farm in Eastern Washington State. You and your fiance are doing such a wonderful thing for these children! Here are a couple of tidbits from back in the day when our daughters (now 20, 18.5 and 17) were young'uns.

Our house would look like a tornado at the end of the day. I taught the girls all kinds of things while picking up by making it a game. I'd say, "Pick up all the blue things. Go!!" And they would race around picking up blue things. Or I'd say, "Each girl pick up 4 things. Go!" There was always a reward for completion of the task -- usually a story!

When they got older we invented "The Thursday Night Housecleaning Game." I made index cards for each room of the house listing the tasks that needed to be completed and the cleaning products or methods to be used for a satisfactory job. We laminated the cards and then divided into teams. Dad was the captain of one team with 2 team members and I was the captain of the other team with 1 team member. Each team drew a card and then raced to that room to complete it. Because we have 11 rooms in the house, whichever team cleaned the most rooms got to pick the reward -- a special movie or ice cream. To this day the girls still clean their houses/apartments on Thursday nights.

God bless you for stepping up for these kids!

[MorningStar]

Oh wow! That's so awesome you guys took those kids in. My mom was a foster child, so I am always very appreciative of those who are good foster parents.

I agree that it sounds like an age thing. My youngest is 4 and has been driving me up the wall lately with "No", "That's not my mess", "If I can't watch a movie, then I hate you!", etc. I bet the stability will be a real treat for these kids. Try to get them involved in helping you cook and stuff. Kids love that! My kids absolutely love dipping strawberries in chocolate. Keeps them pretty occupied.

I'm trying to remember what I did when my kids got into a biting phase. This is bugging me. I know there was something in particular that really worked with one of my kids besides removing them from the room. I'll ask my husband and see if he remembers.

How long do you expect to have them for? My friend recently became a permanent guardian of her niece.

[Flyonthewall]

One of the more important things to remember, is to not take any of their "antics" personally. They have learned life in less a than ideal situation, and the life they knew has now been turned upside down.

You are their foundation now, so keep a level head on your shoulders and set a good example.

Good luck in this endeavor, and know that you can make a big difference for the good.

[KayaLove00]

I would just love these children unconditionally and tell them often. Try to understand them and be patient with them. They have anger hidden deep in their hearts and will have issues with trust and obedience I'm sure. Reward them when they do what they are supposed to and restrict privileges when needed but make sure they understand very well that you love them even when you are disciplining them.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Thank you for everyone who has responded. The children have adapted quite well. Some issues we are having is that my fiance has a ten year old boy who does not mind when asked to do something so it is setting a bad example for the kids and they are already picking up on this behavioral problem. I am on days (just got a three day suspension for a Lock out tag out violation at work). My fiance has taken time off work and I know she is adjusting a bit.

Mom comes over and visits (she has supervised visits) the children on the weekends. She also has had her visiting teachers over and they brought over food for us and our hometeacher came over to see how things are going. Bishop and the relief society president also gave us a food order to help out.

Right now, it is a temporary placement but the alternative may be adoption.

We found out much more information (at which I can't divulge due to confidentiality reasons by court).

Through all this, my fiance and I have talked about this being an opportunity for me to be a parent when I could not be a parent to my children so this is my first time going through all this that I never had a chance to have experience. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

Mom is having a hard time because while she is a member of the church (much more inactive than I or my fiance are) she doesn't like the fact that we are mentoring her on proper discipline techniques. Upset when the children are in time out (Corner and bedroom).

The other issue that we are experiencing is that these two children do not even know their basic letter recognitions so I went to the library and got some books and what I want to try and do is instead of reading to them, have them start learning how to read. We have letters they can play with in the bath and they are having a hard time trying to identify what letters are what.

So, there are some growing pains here and some issues.

Manner wise, we have them saying May I please be excused when finished eating and putting away their dishes. They are starting to dress on their own and putting their clothes away when asked.

It is trying here but we are making the necessary adjustments - no matter how frustrating it is at times.

[Dirk]

Well it seems we are not always alone in the world with our family problems. My wife and I have also had social services rope us in as her sister is an alcoholic and they removed her children as she is also in an abusive relationship. You are doing an excellent job it seems as you are putting the right foundations down in their development stage as they are only 2 and 3 years old. The best advice I can give you is to follow your instincts to parenting. Small kids will bit and I know of parents that have bitten their children back if the child bit them ( I know this is weird) personally I would have their teeth extracted(LOL), but on a serious note we stopped ours by giving them time out or taking privileges away. As to the mother I can only imagine as to what she must be going through, whether it is drugs or an abusive situation or financial, she would still struggle with the fact that she has lost her children so the best might be to try and understand and tolerate her (even if it is a bit abusive) as to give her a chance to come to grips with her problem. My sister in law is not a member and her children aged 15, 12 and 8 want to get baptized, you won’t believe how much excitement this has caused in her live!!

The Alphabet and numbers are a long repetitive game we played with the children singing songs from children programs and off course Barney and a lot of visual stimulation

Good Luck