Guest Posted January 14, 2004 Report Share Posted January 14, 2004 I need advice from the long time married couples! I am a newly married woman and I love my husband dearly. BUT there is a slight problem. He can be lazy, more intuned with the worldly things, and occasionally checks out other women. I realize he is not "dead" and he is just human, but is this common for most married couples? He has quite a few woman friends, which I am fine with. But it can become a bit ackward though. I am not a jealous type, far from it, maybe I just wish he would gawk at me the way he does other woman. What do you suggest? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFDaw Posted January 14, 2004 Report Share Posted January 14, 2004 Hmm... First off, I'm not a long time married couple, I've only been married a little over 3 years. I have a few questions for you. Define "check out other woman" Were these woman his friends before you met/married? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed Posted January 14, 2004 Report Share Posted January 14, 2004 Sit down with him... tell him what you notice... askl him to discuss this with you. Communication -- communication -- communication! That is my .02 cents worth of advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest estump Posted January 14, 2004 Report Share Posted January 14, 2004 Develop a thicker skin. If he's given you no reason not to trust him...then TRUST him. If I had a nickel for every time my hubby checked out other women and HECK mentioned it...I'd be a billionaire! I know however, it's checking. He respects me far too much to jeopordize the life we've built. PLUS you are not dead and you'll probably notice yourself checking out other men as you are married longer. It happens. All though I find men are far more jealous than women where this is concerned. I simply laugh at DH's double standard!!!!!! mwaahahahahaha No we have a good marriage because we talk. It's hard in the beginning. Just talk to him. Tell him you need reassurance he loves you and ONLY you. Tell him it bother's you when he checks out women. As for women friends there does have to be a boundary, like I have w/ male friends. There is never any reason he should be alone w/ them...no going out to lunch, no nothing. There is a level of respect a married man has to pay to his wife. My DH would never dream of going out w/ anyone either, w/ out me there or my knowledge. The only person I wouldn't care about is our friend Kristin. She's like my sister and beats up my husband when he checks out other girls when I am not around. LOL!! As far as lazy is concerend....men can be. It's just a matter of deligation and being very precise about what you want done. Communication is the key. Don't be afraid to talk to DH about your feelings. Just don't approach him after he's worked all day..men need time to wind down from the day. Tell him there is something you want to talk about and set up a time to talk about it. He'll be better prepared to know he's gonna to hear 'something'. It is all about communication. I learned to let things go w/ DH years ago. I don't always get on him about the toilet seat anymore and he doesn't get one me about not doing dishes right away. It's all give and take. You'll be fine if you pick the right battles and talk about everything. The first two years are HARD. You let your guards down and are adjusting to married life. Many couples split during this time because they weren't prepared for what marriage really is...life happening w/ someone else. THat's all....nothing more, but certainly not less. This is coming from a girl who's been married going on six years and we've been together for almost seven. OOOOOh...does the seven year itch happen this year or on our seventh wedding anniversary?! Talk w/ hubby.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrawberryFields Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Very GOOD Advice given here! I have been married for almost 22 wonderful years. I have been lucky cause my husband has never been the lazy one. Some times you may have to encourage him to do something you want. Service for one another is the best way to get your mate to please you. If that doesn't work you can use reverse methods. If he is lazy and doesn't pick up his clothes... just don't wash them. Natural consequences are the best teacher. Early on I saw that communication could be a problem with us. Men naturally not want to talk they just want to fix everything and dispense with the talking. I think it makes them feel very vulnerable and they don't like that. As far as him looking that is VERY normal. He may be doing that to try and make you jealous. If he catches someone looking at you he may look at someone else just to make himself feel better. I think that after you say something once you shouldn't keep on him about it. If he knows that he is getting to you it could only encourage him more. Things mellow out quite a bit when you both mature. Gotta run the maid just arrived! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Thank you for all your advice! I knew I could get help on this! One comment was quite interesting though, about how he shouldn't eat lunch alone with them. What happens if he does have lunch on work permises with her? I just happened to go with them one day, and for some reason it was kind of odd. She didn't talk much and I don't know her very well, and my husband tried to keep the conversation going between all three of us and it just didn't work. He says that she is shy in front of people that she doesn't know, and that it took her awhile for her to open up to him, and he seems quite proud of that. I don't know?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest antishock82003 Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 She's in love with your husband; that's the reason why she felt so uncomfortable with you there...because you're the reality that is destroying her fantasy. I'd be very concerned if I were you. If you think people don't have affairs just because they're LDS, you're being very naive. I know a lot of guys. The ones that ended up having an affair with their "lady" buddies/pals/good 'ol harmless friends are the ones that spent one on one time with them. It only takes a moment baby, a spark to set something off, and then BAM! Let me guess...you both are pretty young? He ain't ready ready to be married..at least that's what I read from a guy who spends time with other single women when he's married. About the 'lazy' thing. Stop being so judgemental. You didn't know about his habits before you got married, right? Right?!! C'mon..this is the very thing that starts driving women nutz, then they become depressed because they start picking fights with their spouses, and the issues never get resolved. You're headed down the wrong path babe... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Such compassion, antishock... you are improving! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrawberryFields Posted January 17, 2004 Report Share Posted January 17, 2004 AS is a great guy. He also showed me compassion when I had questions. I also think that he could be right in what he is saying about her being in love (or lust) with your husband. I would have a talk with him he may no she doesn't and make light of it. You could then say that he should avoid all presence of evil. Spending time alone with her or any female could but your marriage in jeopardy. I don't think that it is worth taking a chance. It appears from what you are saying that he is proud of making her feel comfortable with him that he could be helping her. When people are helped or helping others with problems consoling can happen. They can build a bond that may seem even stronger than the one the two or you have. You can guide and direct him to what you need and how you need him to help you. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned is to always remind my husband HOW IMPORTANT HE IS TO ME. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HalleysComet Posted January 19, 2004 Report Share Posted January 19, 2004 I've had crushes on guys I shouldn't have and the tell tale for all their girls was how easy I was around the guys and how UNEASY i suddenly became when they came in the room,it's called a guilty conscience. Maybe your guy isn't aware of it,she may not even aware of how she feels but you should talk to him and if that doesn't work,talk to her. Only way to keep a woman's claws out of a man is to have your claws to deep into him for her to move them out. ~Halley~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrawberryFields Posted January 19, 2004 Report Share Posted January 19, 2004 Originally posted by HalleysComet@Jan 18 2004, 08:55 PM Only way to keep a woman's claws out of a man is to have your claws to deep into him for her to move them out. ~Halley~ Halley,Our resident "BLONDE", does know alot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HalleysComet Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 I just know men... One area I have to much experience with is broken hearts both having them and every once in awhile causing them and I hate admitting that but it's the truth.... The board blonde. Halley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lt Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Hailey what is ( The board blonde ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HalleysComet Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Originally posted by LaurelTree@Jan 21 2004, 01:52 PM Hailey what is ( The board blonde ) Everyone around home calls me a dumb blonde and the title fits so I am the "board blonde"....Halley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Behunin Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by antishock82003@Jan 16 2004, 06:43 AM She's in love with your husband; that's the reason why she felt so uncomfortable with you there...because you're the reality that is destroying her fantasy. I'd be very concerned if I were you. If you think people don't have affairs just because they're LDS, you're being very naive. I know a lot of guys. The ones that ended up having an affair with their "lady" buddies/pals/good 'ol harmless friends are the ones that spent one on one time with them. It only takes a moment baby, a spark to set something off, and then BAM! Let me guess...you both are pretty young? He ain't ready ready to be married..at least that's what I read from a guy who spends time with other single women when he's married.About the 'lazy' thing. Stop being so judgemental. You didn't know about his habits before you got married, right? Right?!! C'mon..this is the very thing that starts driving women nutz, then they become depressed because they start picking fights with their spouses, and the issues never get resolved. You're headed down the wrong path babe... WOW! I am impressed.I saw lots of red flags when this thread started. AS, you hit it head on..... I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 eh the last thing I am concerned about is his lazyness! That will eventually change over time, I have already seen it! :) Umm and we aren't THAT young, late 20's early 30's and we both were and are ready for marriage. But I thought the same thing, that me being there during their lunch was a reality, and a good one. And I know that people that are LDS can have affairs, we are only human not with supernatural powers or anything. I am not that navie :) haha! I just want to approach this topic with great caution to my husband is all. I don't want to come out and say "quit having lunch with her," because I don't want him to think I am jealous, because I am not. I am just concern, that she is taking my husbands friendliness the wrong way. My husband is a ladys-man sort of speak, he tends to get along better with woman more so than men. I am just the opposite, I get along better with men, its just our nature. But when he suggests that maybe her and her live in boyfriend, and me and him all hang out with each other after work hours .. that is a bit much and then that is what gets me thinking! How close is she getting to him?! Eh know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest estump Posted January 24, 2004 Report Share Posted January 24, 2004 aaaaaaaaah...see, I'd make the boundaries happen honey! There are a few girls I wouldn't care if dh went out w/ for lunch alone. He doesn't out of respect for me. I know them...they know DH loves me and they tell him all the time if he ever hurts me they are going to hurt him. Hahahaha...they aren't LDS. They tell me all the time if they catch DH checking out another girl. He normally comes home and says he got beat up at work. I am not sure why, but everyone he works w/ is very protective of our relationship. They have a lot of respect for what DH and I have made together. We have worked hard to make our relationship a good one and we put each other first always. I support him. I support his employees and other fellow managers....in other words they all know me. They know who I am, because I drop in when ever I can alone or w/ our kids. DH has had college girls randomly give him their numbers and he has told them he is hitched. Some of the girls were hot too! I saw one happen one time, when DH didn't know I was around. He was selling this girl a computer and she was totally hitting on him. I got to see how he reacted w/ out him knowing I was there. He was stellar! (This was about our 3rd year of marriage and we were actually having some problems!) I wasn't too happy w/ her, needless to say...but I was so impressed w/ my DH. In fact I've caught some girls from work flirting w/ DH and I tell them all the time: "go a head, he needs a little bit of a fantasy life!" LOL...but then again we are very comfortable w/ each other and our relationship. He won't ever do anything to hurt me because his mom cheated on both his dad and stepdad. We saw the devastation cheating causes. We won't go there. We are just abnormally honest about our attractions. We however made a promise to each other and it's all about that promise. If I run into DH and coworking females when I drop by work..there is no akwardness and they are open and chatty w/ me. My dad cheated on my mom...so I learned at a very young age to pick up on the signals. Your experience was one of those red flags I learned to recognize. If I however did ever run into your situation, I'd nip it in the bud. I've learned that many single girls could care less if a man is married. I've seen several of my DH's CO-WORKERS/ MGMT marriages fail because of these kinds of girls and the men just giving up on their marriages. Guard your stuff in other words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest antishock82003 Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by Ldsgrl2004@Jan 22 2004, 07:11 AM eh the last thing I am concerned about is his lazyness! That will eventually change over time, I have already seen it! :) Umm and we aren't THAT young, late 20's early 30's and we both were and are ready for marriage. But I thought the same thing, that me being there during their lunch was a reality, and a good one. And I know that people that are LDS can have affairs, we are only human not with supernatural powers or anything. I am not that navie :) haha! I just want to approach this topic with great caution to my husband is all. I don't want to come out and say "quit having lunch with her," because I don't want him to think I am jealous, because I am not. I am just concern, that she is taking my husbands friendliness the wrong way. My husband is a ladys-man sort of speak, he tends to get along better with woman more so than men. I am just the opposite, I get along better with men, its just our nature. But when he suggests that maybe her and her live in boyfriend, and me and him all hang out with each other after work hours .. that is a bit much and then that is what gets me thinking! How close is she getting to him?! Eh know! Wow. I gues denile ain't just a river in Egypt. 'Course...whattya gonna do? I'd make excuses for my lady, too...until there's proof. Then she'd be gone. Funny how PROOF works. It can help you make real decisions. 'Course, you're Mormon, right? Just pray about it. If you feeeeeeeel that God is telling you that your husband is cheating, then that is True learning. Kick him to the curb. If you feeeeeeeel that God is telling you that your husband isn't cheating, then ignore all the signs, and heck, proof, because proof would contradict the True learning you got from God. Wow. It's so simple! Who needs evidence or a confession when you can just feeeeeeeel your way around in this life!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spencer Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 AS, is it REALLY NECESSARY to mock us and our beliefs, you dont agre great, cant you move on and let us be? or at least avoid discussions that might bring out the worst in you, such as this. Spencer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lt Posted January 27, 2004 Report Share Posted January 27, 2004 I would talk to him about it.... like several have said communication is the best........ how long has he known her?Where they high school pals Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 he has known her for about a year in a half ... and he has only known her through work. i asked the other night who he has dated from work, and her name never came up, and I asked why, and he said that is when he realized that lds girls are more important, and that is what he wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HalleysComet Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 On a softer note I guess,lol... Guys aren't all sneaks and girls aren't all snakes. I guess all you can do is trust him and watch out for her but give her the benefit of the doubt,not everyone acts solely on human nature. I guess the reason for my change of heart is my boyfriend. He will be going out with some female friends and I asked him if I had anything to worry about and he told me,"I'm not marrying them and I don't love them but I do love you" and I believe him and I know God will look out for me when it comes to this man that has my heart,just as He will look out for you. Moonshine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cedar Posted January 29, 2004 Report Share Posted January 29, 2004 Originally posted by Ldsgrl2004@Jan 16 2004, 04:18 AM Thank you for all your advice! I knew I could get help on this! One comment was quite interesting though, about how he shouldn't eat lunch alone with them. What happens if he does have lunch on work permises with her? I just happened to go with them one day, and for some reason it was kind of odd. She didn't talk much and I don't know her very well, and my husband tried to keep the conversation going between all three of us and it just didn't work. He says that she is shy in front of people that she doesn't know, and that it took her awhile for her to open up to him, and he seems quite proud of that. I don't know?! Just tell him he is no longer aloud to eat lunch with this girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cedar Posted January 29, 2004 Report Share Posted January 29, 2004 Originally posted by Ldsgrl2004@Jan 22 2004, 08:11 AM eh the last thing I am concerned about is his lazyness! That will eventually change over time, I have already seen it! :) Umm and we aren't THAT young, late 20's early 30's and we both were and are ready for marriage. But I thought the same thing, that me being there during their lunch was a reality, and a good one. And I know that people that are LDS can have affairs, we are only human not with supernatural powers or anything. I am not that navie :) haha! I just want to approach this topic with great caution to my husband is all. I don't want to come out and say "quit having lunch with her," because I don't want him to think I am jealous, because I am not. I am just concern, that she is taking my husbands friendliness the wrong way. My husband is a ladys-man sort of speak, he tends to get along better with woman more so than men. I am just the opposite, I get along better with men, its just our nature. But when he suggests that maybe her and her live in boyfriend, and me and him all hang out with each other after work hours .. that is a bit much and then that is what gets me thinking! How close is she getting to him?! Eh know! You don't want to have to say "don't eat lunch with her" but do it anyway. Just let him know that even though he isn't having an affair and has no intentions of doing so...I mean, this is how affairs start anyway. No one wakes up and says, "I think I want a new box of cereal" They just happen to see the new box at t eh store and then spend a few months telling their wife, "Hey, there is this new box of cereal. It only has 2 active carbs."And then the wife gets suspicious. Does she have the right to be suspicious. Damn right you do! You married him for crying out loud! He promised to always gawk at YOU! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 29, 2004 Report Share Posted January 29, 2004 Here's a good policy: Never be alone with a member of the opposite sex (other than your spouse). My wife and I agreed to this when we were married and have adhered to it very closely. If a couple follows this policy they keep themselves from situations in which they may compromise their marriage vows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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