Please give me your thoughts on what I should do.

[deadinside]

Lots of good comments. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to tell my wife I'm struggling with my testimony and go from there. No need to bring up anything personal in our relationship as most have suggested. I'm planting a new seed for our relationship. I cancelled TV and I'll start spending that time with her and my kids.

More on how to rekindle our relationship without destroying it - I recently planned on getting my wife a nice diamond pendant. I thought she wasn't into jewelry at all and maybe she isn't. She's always just had her wedding ring which is pretty nice, but didn't want anything else or at least that's what she said. I wanted to get her something nice again with this necklace. I started looking for nice diamonds to have mounted instead of just getting a run of the mil choice that had no thought and was just a purchase. Then I'd have that specifically chosen diamond, one of high quality, put in a setting. It was a rather large sum of money and just to make sure I wasn't wasting it I asked her opinion on it instead of making it a surprise. I shouldn't go around spending $3k without talking with her. So she starts looking at plain things and even shys away from diamonds and goes for sapphire instead. It ends up being like a $50 to $100 deal that to me doesn't seem special at all anymore. She's afraid she will loose it as kids still pull on stuff while being picked up. Then says to just get her whatever I want to get her. I can't handle these games. I want to get her something nice, but I want to get her something she would want which is something cheap. I opt to take her out and we get a cheap, but pretty pendant necklace that's sapphire and a cheap set of diamond earrings. She seems to love it. She wears it everywhere. Not just when we go out. She even showers with it on. So she obviously likes something about it. I'm guessing it's more of the fact that I finally did something nice like that and wants to show me how much she appreciates it or something. Like I said, I'm not the most romantic or sensitive guy around, but never abusive or mean. We very very rarely have any arguments. Then I heard her talking to one of her family once and says how I got her this cheap crap. More games? I guess it's because I will splurge on stuff for me, but stuff for me is always investment stuff. Stuff I can always sell for more than I buy it for and I've made making money my hobby. I collect money, commodities, etc. I very very rarely will loose money on anything I do. Just more of my boring self. She likes stuff that actually costs money and can't be sold for anything, such as workout equipment, going out to nice places to eat, clothes, and such. It will usually end up costing a little less than I spend, but I still have all mine at the end and hers is all worthless so I don't feel like I really spent anything. Maybe I'm wrong in this view. I'm open to more suggestions if you see something else I'm seeing in the wrong way. So go ahead and spare no feelings. I'm here to get opinions which is helping. Anyways, she emails me a few weeks ago and says the sapphire in her necklace fell out and she seems all devastated. Good thing it was cheap crap. But at the same time, it's the thought of what it was and if it were expensive would it have fallen out of it's setting? Probably not. So maybe a sign of my feelings of working on things I could get her the nice necklace I wanted to get her in the first place. Would this be a good start?

[jimuk]

Good luck to you, with the choices you make, i truly hope that things work out for you, but and there is a but, i do not think that showering her with gifts will work (in my personal view of things) I think that what would possibly work though is for her to see you taking a positive interest in church, as this seems so much more important to her than possessions.

You love your wife this i can tell from the way you talk, but you will have to allow heavenly father to help you in this. Sometimes we need to go to him when it concerns things of faith, sometimes we need to make sacrifices, and i cant help but think your sacrifice would be to put your immediate thoughts about the church to one side and pray in Earnest to heavenly father in the name of Jesus Christ for him to help you.

Forgot to say. Forget about money, wish i could afford to buy cheap c??p, What whould you be doing if you wasent so money orientated, money is nothing and is not going to help you with this one.

Edited August 27, 2008 by jimuk

[deadinside]

OK, here is a complaint I have about my wife. I can't ask her opinion on anything and just get her opinion. She has to pray about everything. I want to do things nice for her and I ask what she wants and that's always her response. Why can't she just have her own opinion on anything? Why does everything have to involve God? Even when I did believe more, I only went to the lord when I had a problem or over more spiritual decisions. We can't do anything without it being a threesome and not in the perverted way. That I don't like. I want HER opinion, not her opinion of what God wants.

[jimuk]

Hi again, Try to remember when you first got a testimony of the church, how full and happy you were, it sounds like your wife still feels this way (and rightly so) she is as close to our father as ever and it is only right and respectful that she would ask of her father his advise, she knows that his advise will be the best course for her to follow.

So where are we now, you know all the things that she holds close to her heart, so you need to do all you can to accommodate her on these things.

In truth you do know all this, but i feel you are not prepared to make these sacrifices for her even knowing it is what she wants more than anything else.

[rena_goldmoon]

She may not know what her oppinion clearly is. My husband asks me all the time what I want and sometime I just dont know. Her going to God about it just show that she has respect for what you have asked and wants to have clear answer instead of saying "I dont know." or "I dont care." It may not be a big thing to you but it abviously is to her. And on the jewelry thing. I hate picking out jewelry and probably would pick out the cheapest thing I could find if my husband asked me but I love it when he picks it out something himself and surprises me with it. I think both of you have communication problems and just need to sit down and discuss things. The reasons for why both of you do things. You rarely have arguments. Thats great but do you have discussions. My husband and I have lengthy discussions sometimes and sometimes I cry durring them not because hes being hurtfull but because its hard to lay out your feelings and expect the other person to understand but afterwards we are so much closer and stronger because we relize what the other person is going through and whatever was irritating us is not such an irritant anymore. Either that or we relise what we were doing was irritating and stupid and we both end up better people for the discussion.

[webguy]

Deadinside,

I was browsing through this site and I came accross your situation and I could not go on without responding:

These feelings and thoughts can seem so real, but they are a lie. When you think about something long enough, emotions, even dreams, can accompany them and it is very easy to be convinced that these are real feelings and that you will find happiness and peace if you just could go back to that other woman. The truth is, you will break the heart of your wife, your children, break your covenants, and you will be miserable. Satan knows this, and would like nothing more for you to go chasing happiness away from your family and covenants. It is simply his way of trying to destroy you.

I know that you might be thinking: "but you don't understand! I've had this impression, or that feeling, and I am sure I am right-that I really will find happiness with this other woman". I just want to say that your situtation is not unique, that there are others that have also had these feelings, thoughts, and impressions, and they are a lie with the intent to destroy you, your wife, and your children. Satan has a way of making these things appear and feel so right.

As I am hoping that you will accept this and trust me, I have a suggestion: pray for help! Make a decision that you want to love your wife with all your heart (D&C 42:22) as the Lord has commanded you even if you don't feel that way at first. Loving someone is a choice we make, and the feelings follow. You will find that with disciplined effort to stop these thoughts and focus on loving your wife, your heart will follow, and a wonderful, abiding love for your wife will start to grow. Then you will find happiness. You will be able to look back on the thoughts you shared in your post and recognize them as a lie sent to destroy you.

You are not the only person who has faced this, and the Lord will help you!

[MorningStar]

Buying her a gift is a nice start, but I think most women like things that involve a lot of effort (not that you have to do this constantly), also compliments, thank you's, and affection, especially affection that isn't just as you're coming and going. When you were dating, did you only kiss her when saying hello and goodbye (not that you don't kiss her a lot, but I know it's common for kissing to kind of go out the window in marriage)? Probably not.

What if you were to hire a babysitter and take her on a surprise date, like a picnic or something? When my husband goes to a lot of trouble for me, it just makes me melt. For Mother's Day, he learned how to make creme brulee for me, he served it to me for breakfast on a tray along with some decorative chocolates (shaped like shells) with pomegranate juice in a nice glass, toast, eggs, etc. and he stayed up way late the night before planning it. He had to prepare the custard and then add the sugar on top in the morning and brown it with his blowtorch. It tasted great, but even if it hadn't, I still would've been blown away just because he was trying so hard to make me feel special. Anytime he helps me around the house is wonderful too and when he takes the kids away to play somewhere. He's great about watching them while I go out, but more often I would like some peace and quiet at home and maybe work on a project I want to do. It's wonderful that you two rarely argue, but that just sounds like peacefully co-existing instead of being best friends.

Do you two share any hobbies? Is there something she's interested in learning? Could you take a dance class together? There are so many things you could do for her and I think when you see the look on her face, you wouldn't be able to help feeling a little more love towards her. :)

I'm kind of the same way about expensive gifts. Jewelry is nice, but I worry about losing it or it getting ruined. It's the wonderful memories I enjoy the most when it comes to the things my husband does for me. My engagement ring was a $12 cubic zirconia. People thought it was gorgeous too and asked if there was a band that goes with it. My favorite part of that day wasn't buying the ring together, but the 5 hours we spent at the zoo followed by walking on the Seattle waterfront and going to Ivar's.

My brother absolutely amazes me with what a good husband he is. My dad hardly did anything around the house, was very critical of my mom, I've never seen him switch laundry from the washer to the dryer, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him do dishes, but here is my brother who cooks almost every night, keeps the house tidy, grows a garden, is very involved with the kids, and every night he steeps herbs in hot water, gives his wife a footsoak, and rubs her legs and feet. She has restless leg syndrome, so it's helpful for her, but for a long time she thought he was doing it because he wanted some romance. Nope. He just wants her to sleep well because he loves her, so she stopped being resistant about it. Oh, and if you call watching his own kids "babysitting", he'll bite your head off.

[deadinside]

Thanks again for all your comments. I'll take them to heart.

[lilered]

[

In my view, it seems that your basic struggle centers around committing or making a committment. You indicate that you served part of your mission, but not honorably. You then indicate you loved a girl and even got engaged, but backed away. You got married to a great gal, but now are in a quandary with your present marriage. Finally you indicate you are getting nothing out of your religion but insist you still believe it.

Secondly it seem to me that you have lost the "Spirit", your actions have caused the Spirt to be withdrawn for a time. Therefore you have lost your testimony.

None of this is your wifes fault, these are your problems to correct. So my advise would be to "Man Up".

Take responsiblity for your decisions and choices.

Repent. Start by having a heart to heart with your Bishop privately.

Put your life back in Gods hands by getting in harmony with his teachings. Get back to basics. Get on your knees.

Set some goals (with help of Bishop). Seek the Lord.

Once your life is back in harmony, the spirit will again return.

You are very blessed to have married the woman that you did. You fell in love with her and she no doubt is deeply in love with you. So, again, Man Up. So, start acting like and treating her as if she is the best thing that ever happened to you and your kids. You have the Priesthood of God. You have been chosen and agreed to do make certain commitments.

The last thing I would ever recommend would be to tell your wife and break her bubble. She doesn't deserve that. What she does deserve is a Priesthood holder who loves her, treats her like the Queen that she is, and mends her heart instead of breaking it.

This is your responsiblity to repent for and take the necessary actions to correct and do the right thing.

My prayers are with you.

[lilered]

OK, here is a complaint I have about my wife. I can't ask her opinion on anything and just get her opinion. She has to pray about everything. I want to do things nice for her and I ask what she wants and that's always her response. Why can't she just have her own opinion on anything? Why does everything have to involve God? Even when I did believe more, I only went to the lord when I had a problem or over more spiritual decisions. We can't do anything without it being a threesome and not in the perverted way. That I don't like. I want HER opinion, not her opinion of what God wants.

Read Alma 34: 17 - 27, ponder its meaning, then read 28 - 33. .

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by deadinside

OK, here is a complaint I have about my wife. I can't ask her opinion on anything and just get her opinion. She has to pray about everything. I want to do things nice for her and I ask what she wants and that's always her response. Why can't she just have her own opinion on anything? Why does everything have to involve God? Even when I did believe more, I only went to the lord when I had a problem or over more spiritual decisions. We can't do anything without it being a threesome and not in the perverted way. That I don't like. I want HER opinion, not her opinion of what God wants.

Not having been inside of your conversations and not knowing the content of her prayers makes it difficult to comment accurately on this one.....but I do feel that balance in all things is an important principle....one that I don't think we talk about enough in the church.

Our Heavenly Father does want us to pray over and about all facets of our lives, BUT I do believe that he expects us to think for ourselves and stand on our own and own our power and our agency. I think that God's interactions with the Brother of Jared is a good example of this. He does want us to think for ourselves and solve our problems to the best of our abilities. If a football player had to keep running to the side lines to ask the coach what he should think about everything and what he should do about everything, the game wouldn't even get played! I mean at some point you gotta leave the sidelines and get in there and play and trust yourself to play well.

I think sometimes leaning on God for every single tiny thing can be excessive and exhausting. And is a behavior that could be rooted in fear, rather than faith. One can become so straight that they are crooked.

Edited September 22, 2008 by Misshalfway

[countrygirl66]

hi deadinside

this is a really hard post for me to write but it may help you. I am somewhat in your wifes position. If you think she doesn't know your probably wrong. My h hasn't lost testimony or anything like that and he is a good man probably the best i know. I love him dearly. We have been married 23 yrs. He loves me but most definitely is not in love with me. He thinks I don't know that, beleive me I do. Women are probably more emotional than men and easily pick up on things like that. I married my h when I was 19 and was married in the temple to him. I really beleived he was in love with me like I was him. (remember that I know he loves me but also know he is not in love with me). I noticed and immediate change the day after I said I do. Sometimes it hurts so much the emotional distance that he puts between us. I have a good life and am grateful for it. I will honestly tell you that when someone tells me that they have just fallen out of love with their spouse i think they are full of it. They have quit trying and are thinking too much about what could have been because what they got isn't perfect. I know that my h could be in love with me if he would try and put his heart into it. I pray all the time that he will come to that conclusion on his own because he certainly won't hear it from me. He was engaged before me and she met someone else, he has always said he doesn't care but (a lie). I think if he admited that it hurt so much and he did care it would help. We grow farther and farther apart because of his emotional distance and it isn't fair. Trust me your wife knows your distant and it isn't fair. It is cruel. I know you can fall in love with her because I know all of the effort I have put into keeping and recreating those feelings for my h. He hasn't even really kissed me like I matter in about 15 years. I look for the good in him. I love his sense of humor and how he can make me laugh. I love that he supports us and has a big heart. He is a good good man. My trial is waiting for him to wake up and let us get on with our marriage. I would pray for you to do the same. Being in love with someone isn't something that just happens you have to work at it. Whenever he has been in a meeting where they have been counciled to help their wives he will ask me what I want. I always say the same things (a kiss goodbye in the morning, a hug hello when you come home, to sit by me and cuddle when we watch a movie, basically to feel like you love me) it hasn't happened yet but i pray that heavenly father will help me to keep loving him and that he will continue to develop in this area. I can promise you that your wife prayes continually about everything because this is out of her hands and she doesn't know what else to do. I can also promise you that if you were paying bills and raising kids with this other woman she would quickly lose her sparkle for you. I hope this is of some value to you because it was not easy for me to share. Pray to heavenly father to develope a new degree of love for your wife, it will help I do it all the time for h. It has kept my heart soft instead of letting it harden. Take care.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

I believe in honesty - I'm so honest it often ends up hurting my friends, but they stay my friends because they know they can trust me. I think you need to talk to your wife about how you're feeling - SHE might have some ideas on how to make things better. And like countrygirl said - she probably already knows what's going on. That's probably why she keeps mentioning trust and honesty to you, she wants you to open up to her. In fact, opening up to her might be the best first step to falling back in love with her. If you do decide to tell her (and I think you should) a good approach might be to phrase it so that you're not saying you don't love her, but you're saying how much you want to love her more - you feel she deserves better from you and you want her help to be better.

Whatever you do, don't give up. On her, your marriage, your faith, or yourself.