My Son

[YoungMormonRoyalist]

Three words: EFY and YC

[Maya]

I am strugling with a 16 year aged. He often has headace on Sundays. Many times as he has been up too late.

Missionaries have been a good help for me. I keep you in my prayers.

[fish4kitty]

We have a 16 year old son who works from 3am to 830 on a local dairy farm on Sunday mornings only. He knows that if he can work he can go to church. If he chooses to not go to church we choose to not let him go out with his buddies during the next weekend. Not blackmail just a set of rules we have. When he turns 18 it is his choice but til then he follows the rules of the house. Stupid rule or not it is one of our family rules.

[Guest SisterofJared]

There are a ton of great tapes and cd's of lds youth speakers... John Bytheway, Michael Wilcox, Emmett Smith, Brad What'shisname... etc.... tapes like You Only Live Once, But If You Do It Right, Once Is Enough, or You Might Be a Mormon If..., What Are You Carrying in Your Backpack? etc. etc. Good FUNNY entertaining tapes full of the spirit. Don't even tell him they are youth talks, just get them, listen to them at home whenever you can give him some good exposure. It can make a huge difference, because they talks are awesome and I don't know a teen that doesn't like them, even against their will they will find themselves listening. Get them, play them, leave them laying around.

And pray lots!

SoJ

[hordak]

Don't force him to go. At that age it is natural to want to rebel and if you force it on him it will push him farther away.

My 2 cents

[Misshalfway]

I think being a good listener can help too. Keeping the lines of communication open and free from unpleasant reactions to his concerns. I think having doubts and questioning about this gospel is universal. if not essential to the finding and securing of lasting testimony. Perhaps if he felt that he had a safe place to discuss his feelings and questioning. Maybe he needs to explore the truth and even argue with it. Wouldn't it be great if you could do that together without argument or fear of mom getting upset or overreacting? Wouldn't it be great if he could express some feeling and you could ask him questions about things he hasn't thought of before or vision questions that lead him to his own conscience and his own responsibility? Perhaps then the Spirit can direct you to speak of truth or perhaps quiet you when he needs to find something on his own.

I wonder also if a negotiation might be good. Perhaps you could create an environment where he is free to search and question but only under certain circumstances. Maybe you say, "i understand you are questioning and exploring right now....which is fine....But I would like you to continue to attend at least this one meeting or teach FHE once a month....then you can choose what you do with A, B, and C etc." Then perhaps he can learn how to explore his agency AND obey his parents at the same time. I don't know. I am kinda pondering aloud here but he is still a minor and still is subject to the rules of wise parents. I don't think forcing is the answer but I don't know if leaving the parameters to his choices open is wise either. Maybe you determine a comfortable and flexible parameter for his searchings.

I don't know. Does he want to read about other faiths or explore different perspectives of thought? Perhaps you can direct and supportively participate in such pursuits. Maybe one FHE could be about the different faiths of the world. Or maybe one about how we determine truth and what the spirit does on either side of obedience. And then maybe he needs a safe place to make a mistake or two....which may be cool cause then you hopefully can process the mistake together. Sometimes our mistakes are the best teachers.

I think too, that you should act from a place of love and faith rather than fear and panic. ( Or maybe just take your fear and panic away from his view. :)) I believe that God will help you discern his heart and determine his needs and then help you with a plan to meet those needs in wisdom.

Good luck, my dear. Man, this just isn't an easy one.

Edited October 22, 2008 by Misshalfway

[Mirium]

There are a ton of great tapes and cd's of lds youth speakers... John Bytheway, Michael Wilcox, Emmett Smith, Brad What'shisname... etc.... tapes like You Only Live Once, But If You Do It Right, Once Is Enough, or You Might Be a Mormon If..., What Are You Carrying in Your Backpack? etc. etc. Good FUNNY entertaining tapes full of the spirit. Don't even tell him they are youth talks, just get them, listen to them at home whenever you can give him some good exposure. It can make a huge difference, because they talks are awesome and I don't know a teen that doesn't like them, even against their will they will find themselves listening. Get them, play them, leave them laying around.

And pray lots!

SoJ

Where can I get these tapes from?

[Mirium]

Misshalfway many thanks for your comments . I am very relaxed about it in front of him. We are keeping the channels of communication open and even doing some prayers together. He is not really interested in other religions just being very tempted by what the world has to offer. I think he struggles with the standards too. He is getting some help and support from his priesthood leaders and although he still is not attending church I feel all is not lost. I feel the power of prayer is amazing.

Thankyou, once again, for all your advice and support.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

My son is 15 too, and because of the way other young men treated him at church he started putting up a fuss about going. I finally caved and told him he didn't have to go anymore and that I would not force him to go. He is also bipolar so he has a hard time in large crowds. He has said he hates the church, but a positive thing happened 2 days ago. My ex-wife had the Missionaries over for dinner and my son said he was going to leave until they were gone. Not only did he decide to stay, but he talked with the missionaries until they left. I have new hope that he may one day return. I will not force him, but I will encourage. I have seen young men and women leave, but come back. They are just testing their agency. I know it is hard. People were disgusted with me that I don't make him go to church, but they don't understand that I respect his agency and forcing him will just make it less likely that he will come back. Not ditching the Missionaries and hanging out with them was proof that it is not too late. I guess what I am saying, is sometimes we need to give people breathing room, but not totally abandon them. My prayers are with you.

Rich

[Carl62]

Truegrits, I am happy that this is working for you. I have a hard time making my son go to church on Sundays, and most of the times he goes because I make him go. Tuesday is mutual for young women and young men and I have to push him to go to, is hard work but I'm willing to do it. Seminary is another thing he just wont go and I don't feel like I can force him, because my husband says that school is more important and he doesn't have to go if he is going to be tired the whole day at school. So I choose not to get into it with him.

I just have to say that I have seen that a lot of times pushing and forcing our teenagers to do the right thing can backfire. I see a lot of kids being dropped off for seminary in the morning and my daughter who goes to seminary tells me that some of the girls stay in the bathroom most of the time doing their make-up and getting ready for school. And the boys either sleep in the couch the entire hour or spend it outside doing their homework.

My sister married a returned missionary was sealed in the temple and has five children. She took them all to church, primary, yw and ym, seminary, firesides and served in many callings in church. The oldest left the church when she turned 18 and married a non-member, her 16 year old daughter got pregnant and left the church and is now living with her and her baby at home. Her 19 year old son still lives at home but doesn't go to church and she just found out that his girlfriend is pregnant. Her other daughter just graduated high school and told her mom that she didn't like church anymore and left home and joined the army. But she stills has a son at home who still goes to church because he is only 16 and my sister makes him go.

I know that this is not the case for all families, I'm just giving an example of one. I really don't know what went wrong. There was scripture study, family prayer and FHE at their house. My sister of course feels that all the hard work was for nothing and sometimes she feels like giving up because it didn't make a difference. Her bishop told her that she was responsible for them when they were little to teach them about the gospel and to guide them in the right path. So she is going to be able to say to HF that she did her part, and pray that they someday will comeback to church.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that when our children become teenagers they are not little kids anymore and I feel that to some degree let them make their own decisions and respect them. I am trying to guide my children back to Heavenly Father not force them. My mom never forced us, we always chose to go to church and 25 years later we are all still members of the church, all seven of us.

I can really relate to all of this! While my sister is not LDS, she and her husband (both born again Christians) made their two sons go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday night service 'til they were 18 whether they wanted to or not. Around the time when the oldest son turned 18, there marriage was falling apart because of adultery. This ended up causing a huge negative rift between her and her sons on why they should have to go to church since it was obviously not working for them. To this day almost 20 years later, because of what transpired over their parents divorce, neither one will step foot in a church of any kind. The only exception was when the oldest did have his baby son baptized in a Catholic church because of his wife being Catholic, but that's about where it ends. Both of my nephews are great guys who are productive, respected members of their communities with each having a great job and families, but want nothing to do with any kind of church because of what they were made to do as kids. I know of many other stories that are similar to this. While their are some things that children should be made to do, trying to teach children to love God, which is a very personal thing, by ramming it down their throats I've seen way more than not end with negative, disasterous results.

Edited December 2, 2009 by Carl62