Help on marriage!

[abartz]

Hi,

I have a long story but I will try to make it short. I have always had trouble knowing if I am receiving an answer from God, but almost two years ago I thought I got affirmation that I should marry my husband (and I waited six weeks before I gave him an answer because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision). We have been married over a year now, and we dated for close to two years before we were married. I felt good about it and everything, but now I am unhappy. I remember the day we got married felt strangely anti-climatic, and I felt very strongly I shouldn't feel like that. I should have been happy but I really wasn't. But I couldn't understand why I had felt good about it if my very first impressions of marriage were awful. And it hasn't gotten much better. I have tried and tried to make it work and be happy, but I am still quite miserable. I can't bear to break his heart, I know he loves me but I don't feel that same way back. I've tried but you can't force yourself to be in love with somebody you're not. Intimacy has been a problem--more so on his part than with mine--but he swears up and down that nothing is wrong. I know marriage shouldn't be like that. But he will hardly touch me and then when I bring it up, he blames it on me. In the beginning, I had nothing but good feelings for him and I tried to make intimacy work but it was so awful I ended up feeling horrible and crying every time. Now I can't even stand the thought of doing that again. It makes me sick to my stomach because I know it will be awful. I know we need some marriage counseling but we can't really afford it right now. Plus we are living with his parents so it is difficult to talk much about things. But I'm really stuck...we have talked many times in the 15 months we have been married but nothing ever changes. Lately I haven't tried to have deep conversations as much because I am sure it won't change much. We both just end up hurt. I was out of town recently for a week and I felt happy being with my family and in all honesty, I didn't miss him that much. (Granted I tend to be more independent than the average person and miss people less). I have prayed for guidance but haven't gotten anything. What am I doing wrong?? Any advice?? I would be terrified to get a divorce, not only going back to being on my own (I have a phobia of being alone at night) but also the stigma. I can only imagine my family's reaction--divorce is just not an option for them. But I think the Lord would want me happy. Am I just not giving it enough time? I waited out the first year--people always say it's the hardest--but things haven't gotten better. Help please!

[Wingnut]

You know, when my husband and I got married almost three years ago, all we heard was "the first year of marriage is the hardest...if you can survive it, you can survive anything." For us that wasn't the case. We breezed through our first year. We were apparently really ready for it. That's not the case with everyone. A lot of people really do have a difficult time with adjusting. I have a friend who had "post-marriage depression" as she calls it. For about three weeks after her wedding, she hardly got out of bed at all.

I really can't offer you any advice in the intimacy area, other than to offer you an e-hug.

As I started reading your post, though, one of my all-time favorite talks jumped to mind. It's by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, and it's called "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence." It's been a life-changing talk for me and for everyone I've shared it with. You can find it here: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence. The teaser from the talk is this: Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now.

[NeuroTypical]

On the grand scale of horrible marriage stories I've heard, yours seems to be on the rather light end. That's a good thing - there is real cause for hope here.

It sounds like there is much that needs to change, and much work that needs to be done, in order to make this a happy marriage.

It also sounds like the two of you don't have the faintest clue how to work together and how to change things, and it's a big huge stressful mess when one of you tries.

That's ok. That's also common. I did the first five years of my marriage in these circumstances. We'd argue and fight and bicker, both of us actually trying to help, neither of us having a clue how. There were times when I finally just refused to fight any more, and couldn't get any more detailed than "I want more of the good things and less of the bad things."

Things that helped us:

* The book "the 5 love languages"

* Both of us stating our genuine intent to do whatever necessary to make a rocky marriage into a good one.

* A few needed years to mature into adults who were finally bright enough to tell the difference between issues, baggage, opinions, desires, fears, attitudes, and righeous and unrighteous behaviors.

There was some counseling thrown in for the one of us who needed it most.

Assuming his intimacy issues are not caused because he's having an affair, I'm optimistic that if the two of you start trying to figure out how to work together, you can do it. If he is having an affair, I'm not optimistic at all, but I do know that such things can be worked through.

LM

[Guest Alana]

I've tried but you can't force yourself to be in love with somebody you're not.

I actually disagree. The whirlwind of love, falling in love, when everything is awesome, when the other person is awesome is temporary. I know they talk about this in The Five Love Languages but there have been plenty of studies that show that being 'in love' with someone is temporary. After that, it's a choice. You love what you think about, if you conscientiously focus on all the good things about an other person, make them a priority, love will come. I used to think that 'true love' meant that there was one person out there that was just right for you and you had to find that person. Well, there is some truth in finding the 'right person' but also, you can love almost anyone who you get along with decently. If you're both willing to be selfless, it can work. I suppose I'm just saying that because you don't have butterflies in your tummy all the time doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed. Also, with your intimacy issues, the 'fixes' for sexual problems aren't usually 'sexual solutions.' It's other things that are going on that affect your sex life. I would HIGHLY recommend you talk to your bishop and see if you can get a reference for counseling. In some situations the ward welfare fund can pay for it. Also I would recommend looking up conference talks about marriage.

I know that when we lived with my in laws our sex life suffered. It wasn't because we were living with his mom, but why. It hurt his ego, it made life stressful, and that stress affected our sex life. Think about cultures where generations of family live together, with paper walls, they still make love. So, yes, you have some big problems in your marriage, but they sound all workable. To solve these problems, you'll probably need some outside guidance. GOod luck!

[BenRaines]

Sorry for your disillusionment but love and marriage is not like it is in the fairy tale books and movies. In real life it is real living. I love my wife of 33 years and would give my life for her. That doesn't mean that my heart misses a beat when she walks in the room. It does when we have been apart for a couple of weeks.

My wife and I have been through many things in our 33 years of marriage but what has always been foremost in our minds is that we made covenants when we married and neither has violated those covenants. We have been true and faithful to each other all these years. Does that mean there were not times where we didn't speak for a while?

I have two divorced daughters. They didn't find fairy tale marriages. One had a physically abusive husband. When she came to me I told her that was one of two reasons for divorce. The other was infidelity. The other couldn't get her husband to go out and find a job. She supported the family, took care of the house and had the baby. While I would rather she tried to work it out she chose to leave him and we supported her in her leaving.

Sounds to me like two people who need to grow up. Get some maturity and grow together.

When my wife and I first married we lived with my parents too right out of college. That lasted about two months. It is very difficult having two "women of the house".

Are you and your husband both working? In school? Why do you need to live with his parents?

Lots of questions.

Ben Raines

[Elgama]

I am sorry if my post sounds harsh its not intended that way, but if you want a marriage that is going to work its going to take a change and a softening of your heart, it is decision you can make to have a happy,fullfilling relationship with someone like

Spencer W Kimball said

"'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

What do you like most about your husband, sit pray, ask him for a blessing and work out what you admire most about him, admire the priesthood that he can use because he is a good decent man. You are incredibly lucky to have a man that loves you and has taken every little bit of disinterest you have thrown at him. Do you have couple prayers and scripture reading? if not they are a good place to find love and closeness - I always hold my husband's hand for the prayer and we cuddle up for scriptures.

What you are talking about is lust not love and a very poor relation to the deep admiring affectionate love you can choose to have with someone what you are after is something that dies easily. I grew up with parents that lusted after one another without any true love it was a complete disaster.

I don't know if I loved my husband when I married him, I knew he was a good, kind, wise, strong, beautiful amazing man, he was going to make a good husband, physically he wasn;t my usual type a little shorter than the others and more rotund, but he has the most amazing, eyes, cheekbones, cute backside and fantastic pair of legs. Also great dimple on his cheeks and when he smiles his face softens. I do adore him and love him now, we have clung together through a lot and its strengthened us, I am so proud of him

The intimacy will come as part of learning to love him, I personally think to be fantastic in the sack a husband needs to know he is not just loved, but adored, the better a mans self esteem the better the sex and you can give him that, you can't expect him to be at his best if you constantly push him away and don't help him to feel good about himself. Also sex like any sport takes practice - our first time was a total disaster lol it hurt there was blood everywhere and well umm just wasn't fun now its pretty good most of the time but happens less due to pregnancy and kids, flopping into bed for a cuddle is often more welcome. But over a long relationship its perfectly normal for sometimes to be better than others.

My personal advice is to start praying and every night write a list of 10 reasons you admire your husband and decide just one thing you are going to do for him the next day to show your love for him. When you are intimate focus on what you love about him. If you show him love chances are he will grow in love for you which help you admire him more.

OK thats my two pence worth on marriage lol - basically as long as you are both decent people, he doesn't beat you or cheat on you the decision to love each other and have a happy marriage is entirely yours. Friendship and like is a 1000 times better than love as love is there to help when you don't like each other very much, the fact you want to work and improve is in itself a show of love

-Charley

.

[BenRaines]

Elgama, that is one of my favorite quotes by President Kimball. I am living proof of its truth.

Ben Raines

[Elgama]

Elgama, that is one of my favorite quotes by President Kimball. I am living proof of its truth.

Ben Raines

me too - I agree with you about the 2 reasons for leaving, my husband went through a massive depression, took to his bed and did nothing for 6 months, people keep telling me he was lucky I stayed but I have something amazing now because I did.

-Charley

[Guest Alana]

I am sorry if my post sounds harsh its not intended that way, but if you want a marriage that is going to work its going to take a change and a softening of your heart, it is decision you can make to have a happy,fullfilling relationship with someone like

Spencer W Kimball said

"'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

.

Oh wow! That quote is great! You know what, I bet anything that I heard that and that's what changed my mind about 'true love.' Now about that price... it can be big! The payoff is worth it, though.

[skylercollins]

I've skipped all the other replies to write this so if it's been said, consider it a second/third witness. Anyways, the best advice I can give you is to counsel with your Bishop. He not only has the stewardship to help you with the situation, but also the resources. My wife and I have had some trouble and our Bishop paid for counseling through LDS Family Services and it has been a great blessing to my family. That is where I would start. Make an appointment with your Bishop, with or without your husband and go from there. Treat the Bishop as you would the Lord and allow him to help you through these trying times.

[countrygirl66]

Hi,

I have a long story but I will try to make it short. I have always had trouble knowing if I am receiving an answer from God, but almost two years ago I thought I got affirmation that I should marry my husband (and I waited six weeks before I gave him an answer because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision). We have been married over a year now, and we dated for close to two years before we were married. I felt good about it and everything, but now I am unhappy. I remember the day we got married felt strangely anti-climatic, and I felt very strongly I shouldn't feel like that. I should have been happy but I really wasn't. But I couldn't understand why I had felt good about it if my very first impressions of marriage were awful. And it hasn't gotten much better. I have tried and tried to make it work and be happy, but I am still quite miserable. I can't bear to break his heart, I know he loves me but I don't feel that same way back. I've tried but you can't force yourself to be in love with somebody you're not. Intimacy has been a problem--more so on his part than with mine--but he swears up and down that nothing is wrong. I know marriage shouldn't be like that. But he will hardly touch me and then when I bring it up, he blames it on me. In the beginning, I had nothing but good feelings for him and I tried to make intimacy work but it was so awful I ended up feeling horrible and crying every time. Now I can't even stand the thought of doing that again. It makes me sick to my stomach because I know it will be awful. I know we need some marriage counseling but we can't really afford it right now. Plus we are living with his parents so it is difficult to talk much about things. But I'm really stuck...we have talked many times in the 15 months we have been married but nothing ever changes. Lately I haven't tried to have deep conversations as much because I am sure it won't change much. We both just end up hurt. I was out of town recently for a week and I felt happy being with my family and in all honesty, I didn't miss him that much. (Granted I tend to be more independent than the average person and miss people less). I have prayed for guidance but haven't gotten anything. What am I doing wrong?? Any advice?? I would be terrified to get a divorce, not only going back to being on my own (I have a phobia of being alone at night) but also the stigma. I can only imagine my family's reaction--divorce is just not an option for them. But I think the Lord would want me happy. Am I just not giving it enough time? I waited out the first year--people always say it's the hardest--but things haven't gotten better. Help please!

A couple of thoughts - Marriage is a lot of hard work with some joy sprinkled in. My h and I are so different and come from completely different backgrounds that it took a long time to see the others point of view. I would really really suggest if you can find a way get your own place, even if it is a run down basement apartment. You need to be together as a family to grow together. You need to have to lean on each other.

When I got married at 19 my h was 25, I thought it had been a bait and switch. I married one guy and wound up with a completely different one. It was hard, at times really hard. When I said my prayers at night I would ask heavenly father to help my love for my h grow. It did. I prayed to see his good quailities and to have a desire to help him excell in those areas and to be grateful for the good man I had married. It was not easy. We spent 6 years before we were able to diagnose a chemical imbalance (a small one, but significant). The more I prayed to love him and see the good in him, the more I did.

As far as intimacy, (I think) (hopefully a brave guy will answer), Having problems with intimacy for a guy can be a really big blow to his self esteem. It could have many causes, a lot of them health related. Most guys don't want to discuss this, because they somehow feel like it is part of what makes them a man. He may feel that the best thing to do is ignore the problem. Wether you guys like this or not, you have to have an honest and open discussion about it so you can come up with a plan of how to go forward to make things better. For yourself, read and pray and search to discover how physical intimacy has very spiritual sides and connotations to it. You will probably have to discuss this many times to make progress and I am sure it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. My sis had to start with things like sitting together on the couch, hugging and being more affectionate. I hope you find your answers, I know none are easy.

[bert10]

Hi Abartz...I have read your post and you can turn your marriage around. You said "I've tried but you can't force yourself to be in love with somebody you're not."

This is true if you remain in Conditional Love which love God calls darkness. All couples who remain in Conditional Love shall either end up in divorce, or in discontent with each other, because this type of Love upon which we give out is filled with conditions. And when the conditions change so does our love. This type of Love is filled with fears and it is written that fear bring torments. Am I correct so far?

The Truth is that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE....IS AN ACT OF WILL. This Love is not based on what our Spouse does. It is given to our spouse simply because our Spouse is in 'Our Covenant of Marriage,' here on the earth. This Love is not given or based on what our spouse does. It is given regardless of what our Spouse does. The void in our heart is eventually filled with this love. - 'This is also called the pure Love of Christ.'

Depending on your Willingness the time required to fulfill this law below can be very short.

Proverbs 23:7 - For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart [is] not with thee.

This law is not hard to comprehend...you have heard it said you are what you eat.....and so ....ONE BECOMES WHAT HE/SHE THINKS AND DWELLS ON. So if we begin to dwell on LOVING OTHERS in our heart and mind then this is what we become.

A person who learns to give out first UNCONDITIONAL LOVE which is love without any conditions, prejudices...etc. Shall have great power in any relationship. Why?

Who amongst us does not want to be love unconditionally? Without being judged? With Patience? Knowing that we are ACCEPTED BY OUR SPOUSE no matter what the problems are? I tell you it is extremely hard to leave a person like that! and over time....that love will spread to the other spouse if he/she is not gone too far in darkness.

This society does not teach too well what is unconditional Love and yet if we wish to be with Christ we had better learn it. IF we cannot live our covenant of marriage with an earthly spouse which we can see, hear and touch...then we fail in the marriage covenant with our Lord which also requires us to give unto others the Unconditional Love that He is giving us.

Now knowing this part above is not all.

---------------------------------------------------

To bring the power of GOD down in our lives...we must live the laws of Gratitude and thankfulness.

For these to work we must understand and know that God permits all things to come into our life for our good. Once we can know this...we can begin in the overcoming all the problems that we shall be given.

In gratitude and Thankfulness ......All things are seen as a gift of GOD for our GOOD. All life experiences are for our good!

People are ready to thank and praise God for things that they perceive as being good or blessings in their lives. In gratitude and thankfulness we know that all things are permitted in the world and all things that happens to those who love God is for their good.

Just try to thank our FATHER in the NAme of Jesus for each and every little thing that occurs to you. You can say for example...

"Lord I do not know what such and such is happening to me. I know that it will be for my good and I thank you for this [such and such] experience." - Learning to see God's hand in all things is first step in awakening.

Now Satan will try to sabotage you. You are learning to fight Spiritually what is happening to you in the flesh. For all things in the world and what happens to us in the flesh has its beginning in the Spiritual. You would now be a real threat to him. Things will get worse before they get better.

Ephesians 6:12 - For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Know this...the Lord will permit it ...just as He did with Job. Job had fears -- he said 'the thing I greatly feared has come upon me'. God thru Satan made him face his fears by giving it to him. Yet Job kept praising and thanking GOD and was eventually blessed by GOD Himself.

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

---------------------------------------

Prayers

We can always pray for a desired outcome. And if such a prayer is sent to God with power it shall be answered.

However, this may not be the Lord's highest will for us. And because we are praying for a less than perfect outcome...it shall be to our hurt later on.

Praising and thanking GOD are prayers. However, with this we leave the outcome to GOD. There is nothing wrong if we express to GOD what is the desire of our heart and then go on praising and thanking GOD 'BEING WILLING TO WAIT AND ACCEPT HIS SOLUTION.'

I think now you have the two greatest tools in the gospel of Christ in order for you to find happiness and overcome every afflictions that shall come to you in your life. For example with Unconditional Love ....you shall learn that true happiness and joy is not dependent on what your spouse does nor what your spouse gives you. That true Happiness and Joy comes from the kingdom of GOD and in the NT you are revealed where it is....WITHIN.

I hope this help there is a lot more...I can say but it shall be information overload.

Peace be unto you.

bert10

Hi,

I have a long story but I will try to make it short. I have always had trouble knowing if I am receiving an answer from God, but almost two years ago I thought I got affirmation that I should marry my husband (and I waited six weeks before I gave him an answer because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision). We have been married over a year now, and we dated for close to two years before we were married. I felt good about it and everything, but now I am unhappy. I remember the day we got married felt strangely anti-climatic, and I felt very strongly I shouldn't feel like that. I should have been happy but I really wasn't. But I couldn't understand why I had felt good about it if my very first impressions of marriage were awful. And it hasn't gotten much better. I have tried and tried to make it work and be happy, but I am still quite miserable. I can't bear to break his heart, I know he loves me but I don't feel that same way back. I've tried but you can't force yourself to be in love with somebody you're not. Intimacy has been a problem--more so on his part than with mine--but he swears up and down that nothing is wrong. I know marriage shouldn't be like that. But he will hardly touch me and then when I bring it up, he blames it on me. In the beginning, I had nothing but good feelings for him and I tried to make intimacy work but it was so awful I ended up feeling horrible and crying every time. Now I can't even stand the thought of doing that again. It makes me sick to my stomach because I know it will be awful. I know we need some marriage counseling but we can't really afford it right now. Plus we are living with his parents so it is difficult to talk much about things. But I'm really stuck...we have talked many times in the 15 months we have been married but nothing ever changes. Lately I haven't tried to have deep conversations as much because I am sure it won't change much. We both just end up hurt. I was out of town recently for a week and I felt happy being with my family and in all honesty, I didn't miss him that much. (Granted I tend to be more independent than the average person and miss people less). I have prayed for guidance but haven't gotten anything. What am I doing wrong?? Any advice?? I would be terrified to get a divorce, not only going back to being on my own (I have a phobia of being alone at night) but also the stigma. I can only imagine my family's reaction--divorce is just not an option for them. But I think the Lord would want me happy. Am I just not giving it enough time? I waited out the first year--people always say it's the hardest--but things haven't gotten better. Help please!

Edited November 28, 2008 by bert10