How should I feel about this

[ninjormon]

Yes you are taking it personal, rather think of if you tell him not to take the discussions. Taking the discussions are good for anyone that shows intrest. You can sit in the discussions with him, if he asks questions that lead to other questions and he has a train of thought that is investigative for the purpose of learning he is sincere, if he asks contrary questions he is not. He may mask this well for the sake of your daughter though. My little brother was baptised only for the reason for getting married to a mormon girl. The maraige did not last long. I took the discssions in the parking lot of my parents apartment building and the missionaries knew a member family that lived in the same apartments. I took the discussions there and was baptised. Later on I found out that the annoying little girl that was there was actually not 14 but 18, she hunted me down,(i didnt know this till she told me) now we are married. My father in law was totally opposed to us dating, this lead to big problems early in my wifes and my relationship but hurt the relationship she had with her father even more, weve been working on mending this since. I encourage you to encourage him to take the lessons, but talk to your daughter as openly and honestly upfront. Let her know how important it is to get married but that there are other important experiences to go through as well. For him he sounds young, if I wasnt so focused on the girls when I was first baptised I would have gone on a mission. Now I wish I had waited. He still has many great opportnities for him so try seeing what your daughter sees in him too. It is not a waste of anyones time

[jolee65]

They have no plans of marriage my daughter isnt wanting anything like that I know for sure she talks negitively about getting married and thats only because shes not even ready for anything like that, shes keeping her options open for when shes out west and meeting new people , she also admits wanting to date still.

He is just to close to her life right now and she doesnt see a way out without him calling , texting, leaving notes on her my space, calling her girl friends thats what happened when she broke up with him now that there back together he texts her contantly its a good thing we have unlimited texting

I may not have a choice on whether or not im involved in the discussions there going to be held at my house his parents are very whats the word mean or disrespectful to one another , Brets a carbon copy of his mother , he called my a B!@#$ for asking him to leave the house because he was being disrespectful , I feel he needs the church something that could soften his heart and help make him a better person .

Her dad throw a fit about them getting back together after all that had happened but I asked her to promise me that this wouldnt have any impact on her college plans out west she said no it wont and that Bret plans on going to Florida I said ok thats all I need to know .It wont be long once shes there that she'll make her final brake im sure of it.

[georgia2]

There has been alot of bad blood within this relationship and yes they do go steady, she did try to make a brake from him but he wont leave her alone and she gives in to him because she gets tired of fighting him off, He tried to stop her from going out west to school and even set in motion plans to go with her , which we were totally against, she did understand and told us its him and thats when she decided to brake it off because he wouldnt let it go and she was tired of arguing with him about it. they have dated for 18mths

There back together but now he claims hes going to Florida and he wants to take the discussions, and if you want to know how I feel about it now then read at least my post im tied of repeating it .

THis is quite a different story!

What you describe has all of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship being established. I dated a guy like this when I was in my 20's. I tried repeatedly to break it off. He then stalked me, actually kidnapped me, broke into my apartment after I went out with someone else.

Let the guy take the discussions, maybe it will touch his heart. But warn your daughter that these behaviors of his ARE NOT GOOD !

[Hemidakota]

My daughters boyfriend is wanting to take the discussions but I feel hes doing it for the wrong reasons and thats to only get closer to her, I can understand him being interested in what interest her but is it worth the time the missionaries will have to go through to meet with him. Shes leaving for Salt Lake in September 09 for school and hes going to Florida for school he doesnt have support from his parents hes alone in his efforts.

The missionaries told me they would be meeting him at our house and they noticed my feelings through my expressions i guess and asked me my concerns and I told them the samething I explained to you, they said thats part of what they do in there discussions was to find out if a person is ready and what makes them feel that they are.

I dont want to appear selfish or uncaring I guess im concerned about the whole thing its not something to take half heartedly.

Am I butting in or taking it personal he wants to investigate the church?

Express you feelings on this subject and ensure the missionaries know it. Now, if they object, then have them pray over it with sincerety.

I been through that years ago when my oldest daughter met such person as you described. Only I would not baptized him knowing it will be to his own condemnation. After three years, it was as I stated. It would be better for him in not being baptized then to condemn for not keeping the simple covenants made in the water of the baptism and priesthood. We can love them but the reasoning to join is clearly wrong. Nor do I now allow any of my children to date before 18-years old or when they complete high school.

After that, they are responsible to make their own choices....we can only give them advise.

[FunkyTown]

My daughters boyfriend is wanting to take the discussions but I feel hes doing it for the wrong reasons and thats to only get closer to her, I can understand him being interested in what interest her but is it worth the time the missionaries will have to go through to meet with him. Shes leaving for Salt Lake in September 09 for school and hes going to Florida for school he doesnt have support from his parents hes alone in his efforts.

The missionaries told me they would be meeting him at our house and they noticed my feelings through my expressions i guess and asked me my concerns and I told them the samething I explained to you, they said thats part of what they do in there discussions was to find out if a person is ready and what makes them feel that they are.

I dont want to appear selfish or uncaring I guess im concerned about the whole thing its not something to take half heartedly.

Am I butting in or taking it personal he wants to investigate the church?

In a word: Yes. You are definitely on the wrong path on something that isn't your choice. People investigate the church all the time - Some because they're looking for something to believe in, some for a girl and some because their soul hungers for something more. If he comes to the church and is blessed: wonderful. If your disdain and dislike for his motives drives him from the church, the condemnation would be on you.

Let it go. Support him in his investigations. There are a host of reasons why you can't be the judge of his reasons for investigating, but you -can- show him that the church is true and that it changes the lives of members.

[georgia2]

I've reread all the post here again, and I do believe that when there is a long thread going, people skip over some of them then post their own answer to the first question.

I reiterate, you are right in worrying about this guy!

He does need to take the discussions because you truly don't know where it will take him, but the other things you mentioned are scary to saY THE LEAst! If it were me, I would stay and be at the discussions to see how it is TRULY received. Then you have the opportunity to offer comments as the spirit directs you.

One thing you could do is to teach your children the early signs of an abuser. Look them up yourself. The first signs are jealousy, lack of respect for the other person's wishes, criticizing others or family for standing up and demanding respect to be shown. THe next signs are clinging on, phoning, texting or any other thing they can do so that the person will just cave in to his wishes, Which would be not to break up. then there comes the stalking. and you don't want to go any further than this,

[jolee65]

I think my mom said it best when she told me how she felt about my daughters boyfriend, she feels hes a different person all the time he conforms to what he thinks you want to see or hear. I do feel sorry for him at times especally when his mom doesnt step up , yesterday my daughter texted me from school asking me what bret should do he doesnt have insurance and his eye was swollen and itchy I said he should call his mom and let her know, she said he did and she didnt care , so I told her to let him know that he might need to put a warm compress on it for about 15-20 mins to help release any infection and do that for the next couple days if it seems to help if it doesnt then he needs to go to a walk-in clinic. I mean why she wouldnt care is beyond me but I dont want him to get hurt , I know he has problems because of his family life I do hope things can get better for him . He has yet to set his first appt with the missionaries im keeping my mouth shut and just going with the flow.

[RainofGold]

After reading your other posts it does seem like he is more interested in not leaving your daughter alone.

In my daughters case she went out with a guy from our church for about 4-5 months. She decided to ended because she was no longer interested in him. He was not happy about it, he wouldn't take no for an answer. He would text her, send her messages in my space and leave her letters in the front door. He would tell her that she should pray about it, that she knew that she did love him, etc. It was very difficult because she would see him in mutual and in church every week.

My daughter is not very aggressive and he took advantage of that. I wanted to interfere but I didn't think that I would help her by getting in the middle. She just started to ignore his texts and messages and told him to leave her alone, that she wasn't interested in him anymore. He finally got the message and left her alone. I knew that she was handling the situation but if I thought at any moment that it was getting out hand, believe me I would've get involved.

Follow your parent instincts and do what is best for your daughter,

good luck.

Rain

[Elgama]

Jolee my intial reaction to the first post was its none of your business, but having read your other posts I truly understand your concerns - have you had a blessing about this? The whole situation sounds quite scary from your other posts and I also agree this relationship sounds like it could turn nasty. I don't think your concern is for him taking the discussions its more for your daughter.

I hope this turns out OK for you - I think it needs to be approached with prayer and meditation

-Charley

[jolee65]

Thanks I should have given more detail on the whole situation , yeah its alittle scary my mom took my daughter into the local mall last weekend to have her pick out something for her birthday and bret kept calling and wanted to meet her at the mall were she was with my mother shopping lol it upset my mom but amanda told him no im spending time with my grandmother.

I feel that she cares for him but she could move on, she told me he crys more then any guy shes ever seen and she is a soft hearted girl so I think that thats what gets her the crying and begging and constant texting , my space love letters, my gosh lol

[Elgama]

I feel that she cares for him but she could move on, she told me he crys more then any guy shes ever seen and she is a soft hearted girl so I think that thats what gets her the crying and begging and constant texting , my space love letters, my gosh lol

Ugh I have seen my Dad pull that one its very unpleasent to watch - but it is how he keeps two women on the go, one is a &*((^% and the other is a beautiful intelligent amazing lady who I want to adopt as my kids Gran but the situation he has created has muddied it.

He sounds like a right piece of work Jolee lets hope she gets away and can make a clean break.

-Charley

[RainofGold]

Thanks I should have given more detail on the whole situation , yeah its alittle scary my mom took my daughter into the local mall last weekend to have her pick out something for her birthday and bret kept calling and wanted to meet her at the mall were she was with my mother shopping lol it upset my mom but amanda told him no im spending time with my grandmother.

I feel that she cares for him but she could move on, she told me he crys more then any guy shes ever seen and she is a soft hearted girl so I think that thats what gets her the crying and begging and constant texting , my space love letters, my gosh lol

"Bret" sounds just like "Brian" . He cried and cried and begged and my daughter just like yours has a soft heart and felt sorry for him and couldn't end it sooner. I told her that she couldn't go out with someone because she feels sorry for them or because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. You need to prepare her for college when she is far away on her own. She might meet a creepy guy and she wont know how to handle it. I know that sometimes girls feel flattered with all the attention their getting and it's hard to let go.

Rain

[georgia2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolee65

Thanks I should have given more detail on the whole situation , yeah its alittle scary my mom took my daughter into the local mall last weekend to have her pick out something for her birthday and bret kept calling and wanted to meet her at the mall were she was with my mother shopping lol it upset my mom but amanda told him no im spending time with my grandmother.

I feel that she cares for him but she could move on, she told me he crys more then any guy shes ever seen and she is a soft hearted girl so I think that thats what gets her the crying and begging and constant texting , my space love letters, my gosh lol

"Bret" sounds just like "Brian" . He cried and cried and begged and my daughter just like yours has a soft heart and felt sorry for him and couldn't end it sooner. I told her that she couldn't go out with someone because she feels sorry for them or because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. You need to prepare her for college when she is far away on her own. She might meet a creepy guy and she wont know how to handle it. I know that sometimes girls feel flattered with all the attention their getting and it's hard to let go.

Rain"

Another aspect to both of these situations is that when someone who is not a member, who has never encountered a member then begins to date them, they find that they have very desirous qualities that they haven't found before. Teenagers who have been raised in the church and taught Christ like qualities of kindness, sensitivity, patience, are very very attractive to someone who has never been with someone like that. . So it makes sense that when faced with a break up, they are anxious to do anything so that won't happen. WHat needs to be done, is that they need to understand that there are MANY MAny others who are like that, with a high percentage members of the Church! I have seen this time and time again with my sons. They need to comprehend that it is THE CHURCH that makes this person like this.

Edited December 6, 2008 by georgia2

[jolee65]

He attended church with us on Sunday again we didnt stay the whole day we needed to get things done we didnt have the time to get to over the weekend so we left and they stayed , we bought our tree along with snack food so we could decorate and watch the christmas concert on BYU at home. Bret was over and watched it with us he also apologized for calling me that name and causing so much tention in our home.

He also mentioned the decussions and that they were coming over on Tuesday , I felt that was my chance to bring up my concerns , I said I have to admit I had my concerns about why you were taking the discussions and that I hope he was doing it for the right reasons and that it was something he needed to take seriously , He asked what my concerns are I told him I hope he wasnt doing it for Amanda but only for himself and that Amanda is going to be gone in September and she wasnt going to be there to support him like he might like and has he thought about that, he said yes and that he did feel bad about that but didnt go into any real detail , I asked him if he has talked to either of his parents yet he said his dad but not his mom he wouldnt discuss anything like that with her, I said theres always missionaries there and he would always be welcome in the church and not to feel left out because shes not there, Also I asked him if hes read any of the Book of Mormon yet and he hasnt I did let him know if he want to get a jump on his first couple discussions then to read the introduction to The Book of Mormon.

He seemed interested and I thought that was a good thing I gave him his first Book of Mormon the first time he attended church ,also I gave him a brief discription of what the Book of Mormon is based on he didnt say much but not an issue the missonaries can handle the rest.

thats it so far i'll keep you posted he meets with the missionaries tomorrow:)

[jolee65]

Well, He met with the missionaries and he didnt have any questions, or bring his Book of Mormon, he also didnt read the introduction,

but it was only a suggestion, or have any conversation about religion with them at all , During part of the discussion I was standing in the kitchen listening to the head missionary read a few of the pharagraghs from the book of Mormon Bret wasnt listening I asked him if he understood what they asked him to do after they left i could just see it in his face , you know that blank look but trying to seem understanding so, I asked him if he undertsood he said no I repeated what the missionaries had told him read the introduction and pray and ask if its true they left telling him if he wants to discuss it any further to call them, he said ok but im not sure why , after Bret left I mentioned to my daughter I thought maybe he wasnt ready for the discussions and that maybe he should just continue attending Sundays unless he says he wants to meet with the missionaries.

Edited December 10, 2008 by jolee65