Kids!!!

[mlbrowninwa]

What are we to do with kids these days. I have a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. I feel my daughter is the typical 16 year old. She has a slight attitude at times, but for the most part is responsible and does what she is asked to do. My son on the other hand goes out of his way to do everything he is told not to do and lies about everything. Grades in school are terrible and has been in trouble with the law before. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get through to him? I'm running out of them. So far nothing has worked. Doubled his chores, took everything he has away, no phone, no computer, no friends over. Doesn't matter, still the same.

[rampion]

Have you tried asking him what he wants you to understand about him that he doesn't think you understan, and really listening to his answer? People do everything for a reason. He wouldn't be acting this way if he didn't feel that he needs to in order to get a need met somehow. You can also carefully observe and make note of when he acts out, what is going on before it happens, and what happens afterwards. When you understand that, you will have some important clues to what he is getting out of it (basic motivations are to get something or to avoid something). Punishment is not the most effective way to get people to change. It just tends to feel validating to the person doing the punishing. More effective ways are to help him find more effective ways to get his needs met, and to make it rewarding for him to use those appropriate strategies. Don't go overboard though. There is a certain degree of subtlety involved. It's best if you do it in such a way that he thinks it is his idea to change. Feel free to PM me if you are interested in talking about this.

[RainofGold]

I agree with rampion, punishing is not always the answer.

Sometimes it might even make the situation worse. They might feel misunderstood, alone or frustrated.

I have a 14 year old son, who sometimes acts up. He started getting bad grades in school and everything with him became a battle. Even going to church on Sundays was always a big fight.

But through talking to him constantly and getting involved with his teachers we found out that he was very frustrated because some of his classes were just too hard form him. He was getting an advance math class, we were able with the help of his counselor to change some of his classes and he is doing much better now. His grades have improve and he doesn't complain about going so much.

We are trying to do less punishing and more rewarding. If he does good in school he gets to do some fun stuff that he likes to do. Like get more time to play video games, right now he can only play on the weekends.

I started to see a difference in his behavior when we concentrated more on his strengths than his weakness. When we spent more time with him and showed him that we love him no matter what.

I hope that you can have the patience that is necessary to raise a teenage boy, and that you let him know constantly that you love him.

[Fiannan]

Reminds me of a joke I once heard.

God decides to take a break and spend some time in Miami. He sits on a park bench, dressed in conventional attire, and looks out over the beautiful beach scene. Soon a couple of middle-aged Jewish women come over and sit down and start talking.

Jewish woman #1: "What's the world coming to? My son always was a good Jewish boy. He went to temple all the time, loved to read his torah, and I thought he'd someday become a rabbi. Then he went off to college and within a year announces that he's become a Christian!!!

Jewish woman #2: "Yes, I know what you mean. My son started dating a Chrisian girl when he was in medical school. Next thing you know he goes and announces they are engaged and he's decided to become a Christian as well!!!

Then God replies: "I know exactly what you women are going through. I have a son and when I sent Him on a religious mission to Israel of all places..."

Just something on perspectives.:)

[Aesa]

Natural fallen man tests peoples limits all the time - especially children who are learning.

We're a disagreeable lot.

He's just a kid, plain and simple.

[Raggman84]

I remember the days of being a teenager in JR. high and high school.

There was the issue of being stuck in the middle of transforming into a man. All these various changes seem to happen so quickly. The problems with acne, mood swings, and the stress of trying to fit in.

Along with this stress comes the added unfortunate reality that the public school system is designed for a true left brained early bird.

Classes generally started around 7:30 a.m. During the first few hours of the morning most people constantly yawned as they slowly walked to class.

The Lucky ones had P.E. in the morning. They could start the day with stretches, exercises and racket sports as they woke up for the day.

For the rest of the students though the first hour of the day consisted of sitting in a rather quiet class room with a teacher who more than likely didn't major in the subject they were hired to teach.

The worst teachers wouldn't teach at all but would instead just tell the students to read chapters in a book, memorize vocabulary and answer the questions at the end of each chapter. As the class worked the teacher would pretend to work while playing solitaire or some other computer game.

The okay teacher would lecture from notes they prepared seven years prior when the school last updated text books.

The awesome teacher actually did major in the subject they are hired to teach and has a passion for the subject. They do more than just teach from the book but bring in other examples. As they lecture they allow group conversation and participation to help students understand the subject matter.

Every once in awhile there was an awesome teacher but for the most part the teachers weren't very good.

Students had trouble with the required subjects for reasons that most of the teachers didn't actually teach.

Aesa your son may not be doing well in school because he is a stressed out, sleep deprived teen who can't concentrate because he is tired and the teachers aren't teaching effectivily.

When teachers don't teach only the left brained who are excellent at memorizing lists and facts will truly succeed.

[Elgama]

Have you read the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, How to Listen so Kids Will Talk? I was recommended it by several great Mum's when I was struggling with my daughter (she was only 3), although it is really geared to older children it made a huge difference to our relationship

I love this article from the church website

http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/2000.htm/ensign%20april%202000.htm/the%20truth%20of%20consequences.htm

And does he have dedicated Dad and Lad time>?

-Charley

[rameumptom]

I suggest a "scared stiff" program. Most states have them. Counseling and/or meds are the only other option sometimes.

[Misshalfway]

Better not ask MOE for his advise. He will just tell you to wack them upside the head!

[MarginOfError]

Better not ask MOE for his advise. He will just tell you to wack them upside the head!

You're darn right. Abuse is the answer to all the world's problems!

[rameumptom]

MoE, don't you have a broken Whack-A-Mole game that you can substitute children for the broken moles? I find mine works great!

[MarginOfError]

I prefer to string them up like pinatas.

[mlbrowninwa]

Thanks to all for the replies and advice. We will continue to work on it, you have given me some new ideas to focus on. He has made an improvement from last year, but we still have a ways to go. Things really have changed since I was 14. And i have a hard time thinking that its for the best either. The amount of things that are out there that influence our kids is crazy.

[bytor2112]

Try duct tape and fire-ants....worked for me :)

[countrygirl66]

What are we to do with kids these days. I have a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. I feel my daughter is the typical 16 year old. She has a slight attitude at times, but for the most part is responsible and does what she is asked to do. My son on the other hand goes out of his way to do everything he is told not to do and lies about everything. Grades in school are terrible and has been in trouble with the law before. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get through to him? I'm running out of them. So far nothing has worked. Doubled his chores, took everything he has away, no phone, no computer, no friends over. Doesn't matter, still the same.

Just a couple of thoughts, I have a very difficult 15 year old son. The only thing that has really helped us is -

1 - spending time with him. we have remodled parts of the house, worked on cars, washed walls, cooked, put in a sprinkling system, rebuilt a 4 wheeler, rebuilt a wave runner. (his attitude is not always good at the beginning but it is worth the final result)

2 - when he has gotten in trouble with the law, we are there with him but do not speak up for him or intervene with any consequences. Even to the point of going with him to turn himself in. (we have always stood by him just not in front of him and consequences)

3 - For our son karate has been wonderful. He learns dicipline and control and gets to be agressive and break boards, not our house.

4 - we have had to make a plan with him he can feel excited about. ex - when we took his phone away for summer we made a plan of how he could get it back. He then felt like he could do it when he wanted.

5 - read the book of mormon together. (attitude major again) but something about reading it together, helps us.

My boy is still difficult and like to cause caos, but we are doing better and he is a great kid, just not the same kid as his siblings. Take care

[jolee65]

I know this might not sound like a big deal but i have said this to a few teens and two wasnt even mine but I always got the same responce , and that was to say just like this "Its hard to be a teenager I know I remember theres alot of pressure school, friends, girls in his case, parents, homework I remember feeling overwhelmed at times and I just wanted to let loose, and repeat its hard to be a teenager I know. And everytime I have said that to a teen they would just start talking about everything that bothers them and dont interupt let him vent even if you dont agree.

But it sounds like hes not coping with any of the pressures he experiencing hes just giving up , hes as disappointed in himself as you are with him right now and its hard to give him understanding in the mist of a phone call from the school or your local police dept. but approach him when its calm, you will get some kind of softening if he see you as being a teen and more like him and less as a parent at the time , share an experience with him about your struggles growing up and how you handled it.

I have a 20 yr old and a 18 yr old both girls and we have our troubles still at times, different types of stresses but still teenage problems.

I hope this helps it has helped me and others.