What do you think about this situation?

[applepansy]

Thanks for the responses guys.

I asked my H to leave our house about 1/2 an hour ago. I told him it would be better for him to leave for a while since an arguement was getting heated. He said forget it he was done (again).

So my H is in the Lord's hands. My H and the Lord are the only ones who can help him now. I have done what I could...

This is a relief. I worried that you would let him stay. If he's cheating you will never know what diseases he night bring home to you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

applepansy

[angela]

The reason for the arguement last night was his addiction to pornography. I (again) had plenty of evidence that he outright denied. I started off very prayful about how to approach him and what to say. He again just looked right into my eyes and lied. Things escalated as he tried blaming ME for all of our marital problems. It was a defensive move by him... he was trying to knock me down with him. I asked him to leave for the night - and he said forget it it's done. Okay. So he starts texting me... again demeaning me and blaming me and my insecurites for everything. At that point I had prayed again and turned it over the HF. Nothing he said hurt me. I KNOW exactly where I stand with the Lord (whether it be good or bad).

Honestly... I think this is a pretty clear message to me that IF and its a big IF he ever wants to try again it will not include him moving into my home. There was more than the porn issue... He had taken some things that were MINE (I don't know how long ago) and yesterday while I was at work riffled through my drawers looking for his porn and took several other things. I cannot trust this man. I WILL not allow him back into my home unsupervised. I just cannot. I have been violated in so many ways in this relationship.

I am going to work on reconciling my wrongs and moving on with the divorce so I may prepare myself to go to the temple. (Really my relationship with this man is the only thing keeping me away from my endowments.)

I do still hope that he will listen to the Spirit because like everyone else in this world he has a the limitless potential to become as HF. We have 2 children together and I would like to at least figure out how to be co-parents and eventually friends.

[applepansy]

There was more than the porn issue... He had taken some things that were MINE (I don't know how long ago) and yesterday while I was at work riffled through my drawers looking for his porn and took several other things. I cannot trust this man. I WILL not allow him back into my home unsupervised. I just cannot. I have been violated in so many ways in this relationship.

If he's stealing other things that is a sign of other addictions.

I am going to work on reconciling my wrongs and moving on with the divorce so I may prepare myself to go to the temple. (Really my relationship with this man is the only thing keeping me away from my endowments.)

I do still hope that he will listen to the Spirit because like everyone else in this world he has a the limitless potential to become as HF. We have 2 children together and I would like to at least figure out how to be co-parents and eventually friends.

Have you changed the locks? Protect yourself and your children.

applepansy

Edited April 14, 2009 by applepansy
typo

[angela]

Changing my locks was on my list to do today. In the meantime I am not leaving my house unattended. I will probably have to call my home teachers because I have no idea how to fix a lock.

Oddly enough one of the things he "took" from me was my extra key. I had been leaving the garage door unlocked (when I remembered) so get could get in through there by entering the code on the keypad to open the garage door. I had also changed the code on the keypad a few weeks ago when he took all his stuff and stormed out. One day I came home and he had opened the garage door (I suspect he set a temp PIN) and had let himself in (although the door to the house was unlocked). So a few days later I look down at his keyring and notice that while he was cleaning the kitchen he took my extra key (which is covered in American flags and stands out like a sore thumb). I asked him about it and said he had found it and put it on his keyring so it would not get lost, and said he had no clue what it went to.

No point to that story really, except to say that H has been on a downward spiral for about 2 weeks now. He has been acting odd - and I have seen this pattern before. He starts with the porn, starts lying, starts going into denial about the way his life and behaviors really are.

[ruthiechan]

Angela dear.....

I have to ask....

Why on the face of this beautiful planet are you still with this..ahem...person?

I can only assume it's because you are a very kind and gracious person who also feeds stray animals and other unwanted creatures.

When you were a single entity you had the power and right to do whatever you want. Now that you're a mom everything changes. Your child is young enough that you have some time to get your head on straight about what is best for your small family. Take advantage of your child's age to think things through because the time will soon come when a divorce (if necessary) will be damaging to your older child whereas if in the next little while you decide your husband is a cheating lying disrespectful loser the idea of 2 households will be considered normal for your toddler.

I apologize for my harshness. I was in a very similar situation about 10 years ago. It took some time for me to see that taking care of 2 babies was what I was doing. Your husband needs to be someone you can rely on. If it's not the father of your child then by all means find someone worthy of the job. I hope your husband grows up. I hope your marriage gets stronger. Your marriage is suppose to be an equal partnership. You have had to step up to the plate and take care of yourself and your baby without him. You've proven you don't need him. He needs to show you how much you do need him.

I am sorry but you do not have the right to be telling Angela to leave her husband. No one here does. If you have read her previous posts you'll have known that the Spirit has informed her to work with her husband and thus only Spirit can tell her if her husband should no longer be her husband.

You CAN tell her that in your opinion his behavior is inappropriate and that he needs to be looking for a job with more hours or better pay. You CAN tell her that she needs to convince him to un-friend those women.

But recommending divorce? The thing that a Bishop does not ever do except for in the rarest cases? I don't think so. She's not asking us whether or not she should get divorced. She's asking us about a very specific situation and THAT is what we should be responding to.

Regarding that specific situation, angela, you say that he plays golf for free. My question is whom does he play it with? Golf is no fun to play alone. Does he invite you and play with you? Or does he play with his coworkers? If he doesn't play with you, maybe start doing so, and see how he reacts. Randomly visit him at work, see how he reacts. See how is coworkers react as well. That can be just as telling if anything unscrupulous is going on.

I do agree that he needs to get out of that environment. Even if he isn't fooling around right now it won't stop the other woman from making things harder on him and pulling on those heart strings of his. SHE doesn't care about your marriage but I bet she knows how to manipulate your husband and make him feel guilty about working things out with you and all sorts of devious things. If she's unstable I wouldn't put it past her to attempt to get pregnant so she can claim the child is his, or to find a way to be working the night shift or visit him during closing so she can get some uninterrupted alone time with him where she can pull all the stops to get what she wants. All sorts of fun stuff. Not that I've experienced anything like that before. Oh no, not at all.

Mayhaps you can trust him, but I am pretty positive that you can not trust her or to trust her with him.

****

Okay, so, I missed a page. Remember, addiction is hard to crack. I know you two are/ were seeing a counselor, but what about the Addiction Recovery Program? Maybe going to one of those held by Church members will help him know that he's not the only one and that there IS indeed hope for him?

I suspect that your husband has a lot of psychological problems that need to be addressed and I also suspect that he also has a physical problem as well which compounds the psychological ones.

Have you two tried just being friends? You can tell him that you want him to be happy, that you'd prefer him to be happy with you, but that as long as he's happy it's all good, but that you also know him and know that if he doesn't clear up these issues then he'll never find happiness, not with anyone, including platonic relationships. Maybe telling him that you want to help him because he's your friend, and it's because your friends that you get so frustrated with him.

Have you taken a course or read up on how to help those with addictions? That may help you as well.

I know this advice won't necessarily save your marriage, but it can help you help him so you can be friends at least.

You do know that you can get your endowments with or without him, right? My husband is not a member, but I'm a Temple Recommend holder.

I am so sorry that things turned out so badly. Call me or PM me if you ever need to talk. *hugs*

Oh, and for the record, I STILL think he needs to find another job to get a way from unstable woman.

[ruthiechan]

And for the record, your three year old knows what's going on on an emotional level. My two year old knew what was going on before my husband and I separated. It was awful for her, but she just couldn't express it. Luckily I ended up living with my Mom and a few siblings who still lived at home and she had all sorts of distraction so there wasn't much issue with behavior problems.

[talisyn]

I never did advocate divorce. In fact I thought I was quite clear in hoping they could work things out. I guess what I should have said to Angela was I admire her restraint, and sometimes people need to fall in order to see how good they had it (talking about her husband, not her).

Angela, *hug*

I'm glad you're working on going to the temple. I know you'll receive many blessings as you work toward that goal :)