Need Preventing Divorce Tips


rachelbabe86

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My husband and I have had our moments, I adore him, but he suffers from depression and I have come close to leaving him twice.

Spencer W Kimball said any two good people can make a marriage work and he is right, as Latter Day Saints we are taught a different idea of what love is to the rest of the World - and just being friends is enough to make a marriage work.

If you can go to Amazon and get hold of an old copy of Achieving a Celestial Marriage, church no longer prints it but working through it together as a couple has helped us alot

-Charley

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Charley - I'm glad you brought up depression. Too little of society (including LDS society) recognizes the impact that mental illness can have on family relations.

ADD, depression, anxiety, Alzheimers, etc, etc, are all biologically based illnesses that receive far too much negative stigma, and too little understanding. They can all throw a monkey wrench into a marriage and make the pat sunday school answers insufficient.

Ryan

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Charley - I'm glad you brought up depression. Too little of society (including LDS society) recognizes the impact that mental illness can have on family relations.

ADD, depression, anxiety, Alzheimers, etc, etc, are all biologically based illnesses that receive far too much negative stigma, and too little understanding. They can all throw a monkey wrench into a marriage and make the pat sunday school answers insufficient.

Ryan

:) for me its important to remember that my husband is a good man even when he is in nincompoop mode and to retain a sense of humour, I married him because he was a good man and the depression does not change that, in the eternities he will be healed and his potential is amazing. It keeps me going when we are not getting on.

I am also immensely proud of the way he beats it at times. We now refer to his great depression as his Rip Van Winkle Period as he took to his bed and his hair and beard kept growing lol I know he loves me because the times when it has gone to the wire he has fought to keep his family together and given his all.

-Charley

Edited by Elgama
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi again, I tend to log on here when we have had a really bad fight and I am at my wits end and feel like there is no hope. Read your advce over and over to remind myself there is hope and figure out what to do. I think I have pinpointed my hugest problems in this marriage, just trying to figure out how to get control over them. Selfishness and Sickness. I grew up in a big family, but was one of the spoiled one, this is because I was the only girl for ten years before me, 6 years after me, the baby for 4 years before next child, and have literally had health problems my whole life, 23 years, that I was spoiled by attention and medical care. This has been a problem in relationships for years. Problem in family, with boyfriends, with friends. I have come a long way in getting better at it, but still have a long way to go. The majority time of our marriage and relationship I put my needs, my emotions, my stresses, my bad days first. Sure I take care of my physical needs, but emotional needs wayy bad at that! I try and try to think of him, care about him, but then I get in a pity party cause I don't feel good, I'm stress, work is heck, or he is treating me badly, not spending time with me etc. I am currently reading "the proper care and feedig of husbands" I think my biggest issue with it, is alot of it apply to women with careers and kids, I have neither, but still trying to really study it and get what I can out of it.

My next thought of action is this, ordering "the love dare" book. This is my worry about it though, it is written for the baptist church, with scriptures from the baptist bible I believe. So would it be sacra-religious to read this and try to do the things in it? It is still the same basic principles we believe in I would think.

As for my health, it is a HUGE problem in our marriage, I am constantly fatigue, emotional, hard time sleeping, nausea, pains, hardly any energy, and not a single thing I can do for it. Doctors have been no help for years, tried natural things nothing has helped, no money for it, and all just a waste of money and time. And for the emotional help, yes I have ADD, anixety, depression for years, and been on meds for them for years, but can only do so much. So don't see a solution for any of that right now.

My biggest question now, is I have been praying, reading my scriptures and other things aot for this marriage to work, and I really feel that getting out of this selfish set of mind can really help us, and help my husband stop treating me so badly. I tell myself to think of him, put him first, not be whining, critcizing, and negative, care about him. But than when the bad days come, the no sleep, the being sick, him criticizing, being mean, it is like that frame of mind disapears in a second and I get all mad, crtical, swearing, name calling, etc. Any advice on how to get that frame of mind to stay when those bad times come?

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I'll say it again - GO TO ARP MEETINGS! I promise, you won't regret it! The Atonement heals and overcomes all and at these meetings and with the program, you WILL find out how to access this power. Everything else, in the end, comes horribly short of providing what we need.

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ordering "the love dare" book. This is my worry about it though, it is written for the baptist church, with scriptures from the baptist bible I believe. So would it be sacra-religious to read this and try to do the things in it?

Any advice on how to get that frame of mind to stay when those bad times come?

I firmly believe that the Love Dare Book & Movie were inspired by the Lord as the Pastors say it was. It is these same principles that the Spirit inspired me to do years ago when nothing else seemed to work in my marriage & these principles worked miracles. But it does take time to get good at doing it, especially if you are the only one in the marriage doing it, because you're right, the anger, resentment & self pity comes in alot at 1st until you start to feel the love it is developing in you for your spouse. Remember how it eventually changed the way he felt about her in the movie? That will happen for you too & that helps the negative feelings to dissapate. Too bad our Church couldn't have put the movie out. But then again maybe it is more accepted by more people if the Baptists did.

Anyway, it is based on divine principles of how love grows & the only way to save a marriage - by keeping our covenants to love & serve our spouse in the ways they need & want, even if they don't deserve it or do it for us yet. The only thing is it may take alot more than 40 days to see good results but living the principles it teaches can only make things better & better with time.

As far as staying in a good frame of mind, only prayer & taking your frustrations & tears to Heavenly Father can ease the pain & resentment & gain the strength to keep loving & serving your husband, especially when he is not being nice to you.

But another important thing is seeing things as they really are. If he is not treating you right then you must know he will not get away with it for long. Thinking that a spouse will get away with hurtful things is what usually brings our feelings of anger & revenge & resentment. Know that God is on your side & is also angry at what is happening, when your husband is mean or neglectful & if you try to do what's right, God will help you to be your best self & bless you with all you desire in time.

But of course, right now Heavenly Father must respect your husband's free agency to do wrong things, but someday he will say enough is enough & totally fight your battles for you & win & help your husband to swiftly & surely repent & make restitution to you & love you to your heart's content. When that day comes, you will want to be able to look back without regret & know you did all you could to help save the marriage.

By the way, I think your're doing great! You're trying to see & change your own weaknesses while still trying to love him even when he doesn't deserve it. That's very commendable & not easy. You should start to see results soon, maybe your husband sees some changes in you & is wondering if you are for real. Hopefully your example will inspire him to make changes too. Good job, you're doing awesome. I know how hard this is to do. But it will be so worth it.

Edited by foreverafter
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My wife sometimes goes to Arizona to visit with her Mother during the summer. One time she was gone for three months. When she left, we are at the beginning of an upward turn in our marriage, after a pretty miserable low. So although we were on the way up, there remained much to be desired. When she left, I was mostly indifferent about seeing her go, and honestly, a little excited about having the place to myself. I enjoyed it a lot at first.

After about a month, I began to miss her. After two months, I was suffering from depression. Toward the end of the three months, I was approaching insanity. During that time, we had begun to fall in love with each other again. And then, in the middle of it all we had one of the biggest fights we've ever had. I caught her emailing and calling an old boyfriend (who was also from Arizona) and she got mad when I insisted that she come back home early. She actually told me at one point that she wanted a divorce.

I don't know how He did it, but Heavenly Father helped me through that. The realization of what had been going on for months came to me when things were starting to really get better between us. Then I found out what had been happening and felt deceived and betrayed. I felt that I had been conned by the greatest ever. I was angry, but I didn't hate her. I was shocked at the anger she demonstrated toward me, yet I managed to shrug it off somehow. I should have been worried out of my mind that my wife from Arizona was living there again, with all our kids, and wanted a divorce. I'd rather die than move back to Arizona, and it looked like it was either that or lose my kids, not to mention my wife. Make no mistake, I suffered, but somehow I endured it, instead of ending up in a padded room, which is what naturally should have happened.

Heavenly Father helped me. He strengthened me. He anesthetized me. He gave me courage. He helped me keep from saying things I'd regret. When I was in the depths of a hellish nightmare, He kept me calm and my peace was not taken from me as long as I drew close to Him.

Generally speaking, when people are having marital problems, my advice is to spend some time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all. I've learned this to be very true for myself.

More specifically though, I'd suggest that the closer a person draws to Heavenly Father, the more power to deal with truly horrible things that person will find.

When I envision the martyrdom of Stephen from the New Testament in my mind, I always perceive him gazing up to the sky, in a trance, virtually oblivious to the rocks pelting his face. In a way, I feel like I can honestly say I've experienced something similar. Heavenly Father helped me through something similarly horrible and painful. And, like my perception of Stephen, I was given such an overwhelming feeling of calm and peace that it was almost like my suffering never happened.

The power of God to heal, strengthen, and give peace is so very, very real. I know it's been said so many times, but I never really understood that until I experienced it. It was nothing short of a miracle.

Edited by its_Chet
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