Need Preventing Divorce Tips

[rachelbabe86]

I really need some advice from someone who has been close to divorce but found ways to save the marriage and be happy with one anoter again. I feel like the church teaches if you get a divorce after being married in the temple for not a really good reason you are going to go to hell cause you will be breaking your temple convenants. But we are trying so hard and life is getting in the way and running out of ways to save our marriage and we are both just falling apart and ripping each other apart. We have read the books, we have listen to the tapes and talks, we have gone to counseling, but can only change so much and can't seem to stop triggering each other so we both get abusive, physically, mentally, emotionally etc. Its bad, we have found being married brings out the worse instead of the best in one another. It is like maybe marrying him was the biggest mistake of my lfe, but don't know how to fix it now. I don't think we have both tried hard enough to make it work to call it quits yet. Yet at the same time we are bringing each other down to hell in a way by bringing out the worse and most angry person in each other. We go to church, read scriptures, say prayers together, go to the temple, what more can we be doing. And how do you learn to reverse more than 20 years of thinking and acting the certain ways we do to not crash into each other. We know the steps and things to do, just can't figure out how to remember them and actually do them. Desperate for a change, my mind and body can't handle this stress, lack of sleep, etc much longer!

[Gwen]

all the books, counseling, etc will only work if you both apply what you learn.

[skippy740]

We go to church, read scriptures, say prayers together, go to the temple, what more can we be doing. And how do you learn to reverse more than 20 years of thinking and acting the certain ways we do to not crash into each other. We know the steps and things to do, just can't figure out how to remember them and actually do them.

Actions without heart = futile.

If you're just "going through the motions", it won't work. If you're doing it to "put on a show or an act for the benefit of others" it won't work.

Love her — Steven Covey - Lightly Toasted | Lightly Toasted

At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said,

“Stephen, I like what you are saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”

“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” I asked.

“Thats right.” he reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” I replied.

“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”

“Love her.”

“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”

"Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, thats a good reason to love her.”

"But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb, Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualised through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.

Might I suggest this?

Amazon.com: The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage: Books

It's on audio CD, so you can listen to it and get credit from your spouse if they catch you listening to it!

When was the last time you did something unexpected for your husband that he would really enjoy?

Forget the textbook stuff for a while. You need to try to do something that the two of you would really enjoy. Get out for a walk on the beach, drop off any kids at grandparent's house for a while (a day or two?) and just be together. But not a "worry-session", but a change of scenery in a nice location nearby.

No, this won't change 20 years of the past, but you've got to "re-launch" your marriage somehow? Tell HIM what you're going to do WITHOUT any regard for what he may promise.

If you take care of him, he'll take care of you. Just don't keep score. If you keep score, you BOTH lose.

Just my initial thoughts. No, I haven't been entirely down your road before, but these are the things that come to my mind when I read your post.

Edited May 12, 2009 by skippy740

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Rachel,

So, you don't mention if you have kids or not. If you do, I would suggest you put them in front of your own happiness and emotional needs. Keeping stewardships and serving others will often fix other problems. (Related scripture: He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.)

If you don't have kids, well, divorce would still be unfortunate. But at least it wouldn't be dragging innocent children along for the ride, giving them higher chances of all sorts of awful things from catching an STD to going to prison.

LM

[Misshalfway]

Don't seek to change your spouse. ONLY focus on what you can control and that is YOU.

Determine for yourself how you will act in stressful situations or especially when you are triggered. Raise the bar for how you will react. Know your triggers so well that you start to control them instead of them controlling you and plan exactly what you will do (one of your new skills) when stress happens. Make a list of the ineffective or abusive reactions you used to use. Commit not to use them. Commit to do anything....live leaving the room....before you will engage in them again. Then plan out how you will use your new skills. Practice it before hand, even if it seems silly. Even practice it with your husband. Don't allow yourself to become offended or emotionally disturbed. It is a choice to become so. Make a different choice -- a choice of receiving anger or frustration or even an ego poke with gentleness.

The problems in your marriage are most likely a reflection of the imbalances within both of you. I am not sure divorce is really an answer for you in terms of changing what really needs to be changed inside of your thinking. Maybe you two were just the wrong combo, but most likely you will take your dysfunctional habits with you if you do leave -- something that will most likely attract you to someone with similar issues which will just replay all that is happening now. So in my mind, the decision of whether to stay in the marriage or go is immaterial. I think you need to come face to face with yourself. No more excuses. No more blaming him or it or them. Time to take responsibility (not with shame but with self love and empowerment) for your reactions and the emotions that drive them.

Whether your marriage fails or not, commit to yourself that you will change because you love yourself too much to settle for allowing such behavior to come out of you.

We solve problems, deal with pain, overcome stumbling blocks BETTER when we are at peace.

Slow yourself down in those moments when your blood starts to boil. Think creatively rather than reactively. Leave the room. Even pick up your self help book and read thru what you should say next. Do something drastic to de-escalate the situation. Leave in love. Say you love yourself too much to do this anymore. Doesn't matter if you don't know exactly what TO DO. Just commit, at least at first, to what you won't do anymore. It is ok to create that space for yourself. It is ok NOT to fight. OK not to react at all. Then, inside that space, you can start to practice what you have read. You may even have to create physical space if the situation is indeed abusive just to keep things safe.

Don't give up on yourself and your commitments to being better, no matter what the outcome of your marriage and no matter what your spouse does. Don't live in the weakness of victimhood. Don't waste energy blaming and justifying. Don't make excuses. It is never ok to be abusive no matter who said what or how bad your life was. And don't beat yourself up over the mistakes of the past. Live in today. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, but only when such keeps you moving forward. And recognize when you make progress. The tiniest of steps are victories.

Remember, the joy you want in your marriage lies first in the love you give to yourself. When you hurt someone else, you hurt yourself first. The more loving and patient and kind you become to yourself, the more of all those things will flow out of you to the world. And remember the answers that are in the gospel and power of Jesus Christ to literally change you into a new creature. Lean on that and let it support you thru your changing efforts.

You can change. And hopefully, your marriage partner will change with you. You both have played in the mud too long. Get out of the mud! Then you can start learning to play on the grass.

Best wishes.

[applepansy]

You cannot change his heart and he can't change yours. You can only change your own heart. Without a change of heart there will be no lasting improvement. However, if you change your heart.... often, if he really married you for the right reasons.... his heart will change too.

A new book...yes I know you didn't want another book. But this one is different. Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway. He answers the question of a women at A Time Out For Women conference. The advice he gives and the quotes helped me...not with my husband but with my wayward son. Its only 126 small pages long. I read it in an hour.

All relaionships are the same in many ways. There are two things which are important to remember and apply in all relationships. 1) With Heavenly Father ALL things are possible; and 2) You can only change YOU!

I know from experience that when I change how I respond in a bad situation or in a stressful relationship it allows the Spirit to enter and miracles happen.

I pray those miracles can happen for you,

applepansy

[rachelbabe86]

Wow, thats a lot of stuff, thanks guys. Just woke up, and its been a VERY long night, got further and further away from a solution tonight, and he said something that just about broke my heart. Need to read over everything again when I can take it in. But just to let you know, we don't have kids, been married just over a year, so no worries there. And everyone tells us we got to get us under control before we bring kids in, which we know. Anyways, thanks for all the advice, I will read over it more, take notes, etc later when I'm not so out of it! :)

[skippy740]

Wow, thats a lot of stuff, thanks guys. Just woke up, and its been a VERY long night, got further and further away from a solution tonight, and he said something that just about broke my heart. Need to read over everything again when I can take it in. But just to let you know, we don't have kids, been married just over a year, so no worries there. And everyone tells us we got to get us under control before we bring kids in, which we know. Anyways, thanks for all the advice, I will read over it more, take notes, etc later when I'm not so out of it! :)

This changes things for me. Somehow I got the impressiot that you had been married for over 20 years. (I looked at your profile and now I have a better idea of your situation.)

What was it that he said to you that just about broke your heart?

Who is "everyone" and how long have they known about your situation? What has their advice been to you?

This additional information can completely change the advice given.

You see, if you had been together for 20 years, my post might work for you.

But you've only been together for just over a year. Depending on the relationship, different advice might be called for.

I know of someone who was in my hometown ward who married someone - but that person decided they didn't want to have kids. They got divorced over that particular (fundamental) difference. (BTW, you'd think they would've discussed that before marriage.) And yes, I understand that they were married in the temple. She is now happily remarried.

[utcowboy]

As a person with a Temper and a wife who knows how to push my buttons, let me try to help a little.

My wife and I have been on the edge of divorce a few times. The 8 yrs. proir to coming into the church were the worst and only me working away from home saved our marriage. Now I work 5 minutes from home and sometimes thing can get hairy. The one thing I have notice above all else, is that when I am doing what I have been counselled to do, thing seem much easier. I don't think that they are easier, I think that having the spirit with me makes it easier to compromise and work with my wife to further our relationship.

We have been counselled to put Family first, that mean your spouse and children come before you. There are times when This seems really hard but I know with all my heart, when I worry about the needs of others, whether its my wife, my kids or the nieghbor, my problems seem to lessen. I can focus better on what is important. What I really desire is peace and happiness, not the new computer or car.

I hope some of this makes some sense. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find common ground in the Lord to base your relationship on.

[Misshalfway]

Wow, thats a lot of stuff, thanks guys. Just woke up, and its been a VERY long night, got further and further away from a solution tonight, and he said something that just about broke my heart. Need to read over everything again when I can take it in. But just to let you know, we don't have kids, been married just over a year, so no worries there. And everyone tells us we got to get us under control before we bring kids in, which we know. Anyways, thanks for all the advice, I will read over it more, take notes, etc later when I'm not so out of it! :)

Wow. ok. I am with Skippy. I heard the 20 years married thing in your OP too. I am not sure I would have given that post had I understood properly.

Maybe you could tell us a little more of the details with your situation. I am glad that you don't have the kid thing to worry about. That is a good thing for all. Are you both in your early 20's? Have you guys ever attended marriage counseling? Not knowing everything about your situation, I can't know for sure, but I would think that there is lots of hope here. You don't have 20 years of bad decisions to unwind that I had supposed. And it sounds like you have lots of desire.

BTW....about the thing that broke your heart......Did he say it JUST for the purpose of hurting you or was it truth that you didn't want to know?

[lestertheemt]

May I add this small bit of advice..............................do service towards him. It doesn't have to be huge just small acts of random kindness towards him. You will find when you are in engaged in service that you will find it difficult to have negative feelings towards him. You may also want to find the DVD "Fireproof" it isn't LDS but it has a wonderful message. Oh....and one more thing pray for him.

Wish you the best!!

[Tarnished]

Not too long ago my marriage reached a point where we were beginning to look pretty seriously at divorce. One day I woke up and realized that I was losing my husband and I realized that it was my fault. Figuring that things were coming to an end anyway I decided that I wanted my last few months together with my husband to be good, to be happy. So I started to change myself, I began to work on the things that he always complained about. I tried to criticize him less, I tried to serve him and do things that would make time at home peaceful. When we did get into arguments I apologized first and tried to create peace again. Though things eventually did come to a point where we took a long walk together and seriously discussed divorce, I had laid a groundwork of love and service and had created an environment that once again felt like home, and so instead of starting the divorce process we both agreed to work on things together and fix things rather than split up.

Like others have said before, you can’t change the way he acts, but you can change the way you do. Though it is difficult and often feels unequal, the best way to get him to change is to change yourself first. Also, like lestertheemt said, find the DVD “Fireproof” and watch it, heck maybe even get yourself the book from it and try the “Love Dare” that is spoken of in the movie. It is a great movie for any couple, especially for a couple thinking about divorce.

[rachelbabe86]

i totally understand that knowing the situation better changes the advice, sorry was not clearer, just didn't want to write a book, and was exhausted and bawling when wrote. We had fights dating, dated two years before we got married, broke up a couple of times for a few days during it. But we thought we usually worked things out. Sometimes I feel like one of those times I really shouldn't have gotten back together with him, but doing so it finally led to getting married. We were in love, been together a long time, seemed like the right next step, and had a physically relationship enough that also didn't feel appropriate not getting married. By the time we got engaged, for the second time, long story there, prayed about it and really felt was suppose to get married.

We both grew up with abusive parents, mine was my dad, his was his mom with mental problems. So we both married our parent in alot of ways. He can be pretty abusive and have anger problems just like my dad, and I have had mental problems since a teen, and have a ton of health problems he can't seem to learn to deal with.

Four days after we got married huge fight threatenng divorce, since then it has been one after another. We will have a good week or two, and a really really bad one a week later. The threaten divorce happening a couple of times a month when so mad and hurt from the other. The abuse has been physical, emotional and mental on both of our parts.

We have been going to counseling with the church for almost a year now, some of the advice has helped. Both read part of the books suggested.

We can both be selfish off and on, but both do really try to put the other first a lot. I think we both at times felt like we shouldn't have got married, but feel stuck now.

The thing he said that broke my heart he was saying in truth. That he did not feel I was his spouse, that their isn't love in our marriage, no making love, and that he thought of me as just a friend. That totally broke me, just kinda there today. Think the only thing he could say that would hurt more on if he was cheating on me. This morning before work, after sleeping on the couch which he always does when mad at me, he said sorry for hurting me but that he meant it.

I just don't see any hope anymore. And after hearing that, don't have much umph to even try. He works down the street and came home for a break to talk, but it got us no where, he just left with us both really hurt. I am just broken right now. And counseling keeps on getting canceled, haven't been for over a month now. Don't really feel like I can talk to any of my firends or family members about my marriage anymore. In December the physical abuse got so bad I lived at my parents a few weeks, came back and still no better. Just got back from living a way from him for a month cuz of apartment problems, and back together and doesn't really seem like we missed each other at all. He said he did every day on the phone, but now doesn't act like it at all.

So there is a bit more of our story. I have read proper care and feeding of husband, tried to work on some things on it, but didn't feel like it was much help cause I am not a mom or work full time. Counselor suggested fireproof, but being apart haven't got a chance to rent it yet, but we will now. Thanks for the advice!

[lilered]

Theadvise concerning watching the movie Fireproof is a good one. My advise would follow the same lines as some of the previous. You can not change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Doing the same thing over and over will only end up with the same results. Thus, if you both refuse to commit to caring and loving one another, then love will not grow. The key word is love. You must be willing to love your husband enough to overlook his weanesses, his mistakes, etc. and your own needs, and instead concentrate on making your home one of love. Don't be pulled into arguements, find ways to compliment him on the good things he does, and overlook the bad. Tend to yourself, by going to church, the temple, etc. invite him to go if he chooses. Pray often. Change your attitude. If he really does care, he will eventually start to change because he too will be drawn to the light.

[prisonchaplain]

Actions without heart = futile.

Might I suggest this?

Amazon.com: The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage: Books

It's on audio CD, so you can listen to it and get credit from your spouse if they catch you listening to it!

I listened to the author, Dr. Laura, the other day. A woman called saying her marriage was ending, and that they had already separated. Dr. Laura asked why, and she started to say her husband was away too much. She stopped her and asked, "No, why is he leaving?"

She mumbled around and, almost as an aside, offered that he felt she gave her all for the kids, and had nothing left over for him.

Dr. Laura, forced her to repeat that three times and said, "He's right!!! You seduced him, flirted with him, prettied yourself for him, and once you got him, you neglected him almost totally, and told him to deal whenever he complained.

She recommended that she go to him, admit what she done, and win him back through flirtation and seduction. Not a childish or dishonest wooing, but a sincere, "I know I've messed up, but I love you and want you, sweetie pie," way. She opined that the effort would succeed because she had something no other woman had--his kids, and she as their mother.

Men can be inconsiderate louses also. It's not always the woman's fault. Perhaps not even mostly. But, imho, men are usually much easier to maintain and keep happy. We mostly are a rather simple lot.

[Misshalfway]

i totally understand that knowing the situation better changes the advice, sorry was not clearer, just didn't want to write a book, and was exhausted and bawling when wrote. We had fights dating, dated two years before we got married, broke up a couple of times for a few days during it. But we thought we usually worked things out. Sometimes I feel like one of those times I really shouldn't have gotten back together with him, but doing so it finally led to getting married. We were in love, been together a long time, seemed like the right next step, and had a physically relationship enough that also didn't feel appropriate not getting married. By the time we got engaged, for the second time, long story there, prayed about it and really felt was suppose to get married.

We both grew up with abusive parents, mine was my dad, his was his mom with mental problems. So we both married our parent in alot of ways. He can be pretty abusive and have anger problems just like my dad, and I have had mental problems since a teen, and have a ton of health problems he can't seem to learn to deal with.

Four days after we got married huge fight threatenng divorce, since then it has been one after another. We will have a good week or two, and a really really bad one a week later. The threaten divorce happening a couple of times a month when so mad and hurt from the other. The abuse has been physical, emotional and mental on both of our parts.

We have been going to counseling with the church for almost a year now, some of the advice has helped. Both read part of the books suggested.

We can both be selfish off and on, but both do really try to put the other first a lot. I think we both at times felt like we shouldn't have got married, but feel stuck now.

The thing he said that broke my heart he was saying in truth. That he did not feel I was his spouse, that their isn't love in our marriage, no making love, and that he thought of me as just a friend. That totally broke me, just kinda there today. Think the only thing he could say that would hurt more on if he was cheating on me. This morning before work, after sleeping on the couch which he always does when mad at me, he said sorry for hurting me but that he meant it.

I just don't see any hope anymore. And after hearing that, don't have much umph to even try. He works down the street and came home for a break to talk, but it got us no where, he just left with us both really hurt. I am just broken right now. And counseling keeps on getting canceled, haven't been for over a month now. Don't really feel like I can talk to any of my firends or family members about my marriage anymore. In December the physical abuse got so bad I lived at my parents a few weeks, came back and still no better. Just got back from living a way from him for a month cuz of apartment problems, and back together and doesn't really seem like we missed each other at all. He said he did every day on the phone, but now doesn't act like it at all.

So there is a bit more of our story. I have read proper care and feeding of husband, tried to work on some things on it, but didn't feel like it was much help cause I am not a mom or work full time. Counselor suggested fireproof, but being apart haven't got a chance to rent it yet, but we will now. Thanks for the advice!

Thank you for sharing more of your story. That does help. This sounds like such a difficult situation and I am sorry that you are finding a continuation of the pain you both felt as children. I hope you both can see this as an opportunity for you to become chain breakers. I know you are fighting, but who else could really understand the other like you do? You CAN become each others greatest ally.

If my H had said that to me, my heart would have been broken too. So sorry about that .

I suppose it is hard, when things have been so stressful, to find the desire to keep going let alone feeling romantic attachment. I am not convinced that this means those feelings are gone in him, though. I wonder if they are just buried underneath the frustration.

My H and I have been thru the war. The adversary tried to take us down and he almost succeeded. Truthfully, I felt almost exactly what your husband felt and I was almost convinced my decision to marry was an embarrassing mistake. It had been too hard for too long and I was seriously questioning whether or not it was wise to continue striving for something that hurt both of us so badly.

Now, I know that sometimes ending an abusive relationship is the right thing to do, but in your situation I'm not sure. Maybe you both need a change of heart or some kind of inner renewal to help you not just keep going, but to establish a new and fresh start. Maybe one with different rules about how you both deal with each other and the inevitable stress of life. Don't ask me how to achieve such, I mean, that would have to be negotiated between the two of you. I suppose such a thing can only come when you combine your desires with the power of God. What I do know is that my H and I are so happy now and even feeling madly in love with each other. The strife is going away and both of us are healing and its hard to remember the intensity of the pain. It has been a long go.....one I didn't feel strong enough to complete......but I now see wisdom and blessing in the journey. And just for the record, we started over lots of times as we realized we had more mountain to climb.

I used to quip when people would advise that we pray together and serve each other. It used to feel so trite in the face of such struggle. In fact the last thing in the world I wanted to do was pray with him! But, in my humility now, I admit that it really did help. And when we couldn't pray together and when I was too stubborn to pray for him, my husband was praying for me and my healing even in the moments I was so angry with him. I will say too, that we progressed when we softened our hearts, when we served one another (while staying true to ourselves), and when we decided to allow each other space to change in patience. This didn't all happen in a moment or over night. But it did happen.

So hang on and don't let the discouragement determine your course. Talk to Father in Heaven about which course to take. He can see around all the blind corners and past all the pain into the deepest parts of your hearts. Let Him show you the landscape of how your marriage can be and the path you need to take to get there. He may give you ideas or combinations of ideas that you haven't seen before.

Much love, my dear. Even though your hope flag is covered in bullet holes, keep flying it. Ok?

[rachelbabe86]

Thanks a ton Misshalfway! Honestly knowing someone else has been through the same thing and made it through it, is really one of the biggest things I needed! I see all my friends and siblings have this great marriages, and I know they have had problems, but never see that they have problems actually with their spouses, so it makes me feel like I am just a disaster and married the wrong person.

I don't want to give up, I want to keep on fighting, and that is why I came here and wrote this cause I needed another reason to keep going. And I will try to strive to come here and read all your answers to me when I feel like giving up and it is worth it anymore :) Even though we have been horrible to each other at times, we do really love each other, we just don't know how to get past the pain sometimes. Anyways just wanted to say thank you and that I am finally seeing some hope!

[Tamrajh]

Take divorce off the table. Quit talking about it and find another solution. Once you realize that it's no longer an option and you have to do something else to make it better, you'll start figuring out different things.

[Guest]

You mentioned physical abuse. That has to stop. And the only way that will stop is if you cultivate RESPECT. And that is a requirement for BOTH of you.

Then you can start fixing everything else.

And I agree with the above post. If you keep on thinking of divorce, you will find it as the "Easy Way Out". You married the guy. There has got to be a reason why. Think of that reason.

I always say this (mostly jokingly but sometimes truthfully)... if my husband and I can do it (12 years married now) anybody can. There is nobody more different and incompatible than we are. We got married on a Tuesday, we weren't speaking on Friday.

What got us past the shaky 2 years was our decision on week 1, that we are IT. FOREVER. Divorce is not an option. Of course, I've known him for 2 years prior so I know his character pretty well. I know he's not some psycho killer or something...

[jadams_4040]

I really need some advice from someone who has been close to divorce but found ways to save the marriage and be happy with one anoter again. I feel like the church teaches if you get a divorce after being married in the temple for not a really good reason you are going to go to hell cause you will be breaking your temple convenants. But we are trying so hard and life is getting in the way and running out of ways to save our marriage and we are both just falling apart and ripping each other apart. We have read the books, we have listen to the tapes and talks, we have gone to counseling, but can only change so much and can't seem to stop triggering each other so we both get abusive, physically, mentally, emotionally etc. Its bad, we have found being married brings out the worse instead of the best in one another. It is like maybe marrying him was the biggest mistake of my lfe, but don't know how to fix it now. I don't think we have both tried hard enough to make it work to call it quits yet. Yet at the same time we are bringing each other down to hell in a way by bringing out the worse and most angry person in each other. We go to church, read scriptures, say prayers together, go to the temple, what more can we be doing. And how do you learn to reverse more than 20 years of thinking and acting the certain ways we do to not crash into each other. We know the steps and things to do, just can't figure out how to remember them and actually do them. Desperate for a change, my mind and body can't handle this stress, lack of sleep, etc much longer!

One or both of you are not doing all you should be doing; somehow at least one of you is not living the gospel fully in every manner; when BOTH spiouses live the gospel fully. there will be no divorce; period, somehow, somewhere, one of you is not living something correctly, are yu simply going thru the motions and have w.o.w issue? a pornography issue, a hatred, or gosiping issue, a immorality issue, beleife issue, prescription drug issue?e;t;c;;; sounds to me as there is more to this story than you are letting on or maybe you dont know about?.

[slabbing]

My advice - and I know you might think this as just another book or resource, but it's not if you're able to come to know it for what it truly is -> practical advice on accessing the Atonement - is to immerse yourselves in the church's 12-step ARP program. Truly immerse yourself.

I know it feels like you've tried everything because I can identify with what you're going through (I'd like some of the same advice as I'm going through the same thing), but I've come to learn that we can never really say we've tried everything until we've gone through a coming unto Christ and the Atonement. It NEVER fails - if it did, the plan of salvation would cease to exist, would it not? Somehow, you've got to find a way to access it and let it heal your marriage. There's no easy way to explain how exactly to do that, it's different for everyone (I myself am going through the long process of trying to access this power with a spouse who does not want to do the same to heal our marriage).

I didn't read if anyone else suggested this book or if you've already read it, but for relationships, I HIGHLY recommend "Bonds That Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner. In my opinion, the only "self-help" book that anyone ever needs in life.

[ztodd]

I hope you both know how serious a problem the abuse is, both the physical and the verbal and emotional. If that doesn't stop, that could be justifiable reason for divorce, even after having had a temple marriage.

I hope you're both taking this very seriously and both working hard to change.

I hope you're both meeting with your bishop.

I hope you're both meeting with a marriage counselor.

To me it sounds like the marriage is on very shaky ground. But it can get better! One step at a time, if you both work hard at it.

[rachelbabe86]

Were having a ruff day today, and thought I would come back to this post for a refresher on advice for our marriage. Than saw there were a few more posts since last looked at it. I think one of our hugest problems is when I am sick I am just not thinking clearly, have no strength to do a thing. Been really really sick the last couple of weeks, and I kind of feel that me being sick should be a test to him to be patient and treat me well. But after a day of being nice to me and helping me out he usually treats me like crap, and being so sick I can't emotional handle it, and it is a heck of a fight that makes me even more terribly sick. How do you have focus to be nice and calm when so sick? And someone wrote try a arp program, what is that? We are still going to counseling, but it keeps on getting canceled so having it once a month isn't much help. Besides paying for counseling, we haven't really had a bishop to really show care to talk to us and see us about our marriage. So just going to the counseling. I feel like counseling off once or twice a month for the last year...shouldn't we be doing better by now? Are we a lost cause if we been going for almost a year, and still having bad fights? We haven't been able to do all the counseler advised cuz of time, money, problems, sikness. But I can't really get my husband to read the books suggested, write down the things the counselor suggests. He just doesn't seem to care enough to try them, asks like he already knows everything...I just don't know how to get him to care anymore. Anyways, it's still touch and go, but for those who wrote me, just a update for you. Still not giving up, but still hard.

[foreverafter]

If you really want to save your marriage, True Love is the only thing that can save it. Without it every marriage will eventually fail. With it any marriage can be saved, even after divorce if you've been faithful. And it only takes one spouse that possesses it to save the marriage, though they may still leave you for awhile, but they will be back. But True Love is not easy & requires complete unselfishness & not doing or saying anything unkind & living to make the other spouse happy & serving their every wish & desire before your own, even if they don't do it for you yet, though you must try to help them learn to serve you too.

True Love never ends, or gives up & it always wins in the end. But True Love is impossible to maintain for long without God's help, because our spouses are usually very imperfect & often hurtful. It is only obtained by praying for it everyday & then by loving our spouse by our every word & deed.

Pres. Hinckley promises that if we will do this "we will be happy & our marriage will go on through eternity."

Edited June 8, 2009 by foreverafter

[benandpaula]

It's hard to work on a marriage when you are ill. A new physician, better medication, or something like this could completely change your life physically. When you get to the point where you feel better, think about the marriage. Try to remember why you married your husband in the first place. Date him. Clear up your family's calendar to allow for fewer stresses. But first things first, get well soon.