Home teaching dilemma

[newlight]

I have a family that i teach the husband cheated on his wife about a year and a half ago. She use to be very spiritual, she was at the temple every week, never missed her prayers etc. well she decided to give him another opportunity, she knows that its the right thing to do but because of what they went through she's not as spiritual as before. She's still active and has a strong testimony of the church but she still hasn't competly forgotten and forgive him yet. Now him on the other hand has changed completly.

He's very active and spritual and seems to be back on track in every aspect of the church. He tells me that when he sees that she's down and sad he tries to guide her but she gets mad at him. To the point where she has told him that his responsibilities end with her free will. He has told me that he feels that he has his hands tied. She even called him a fanatic at one point and that really surprised me when he said that because she has always seemed to me that she was the type that was always trying her hard to follow OHF in everyway. Anywyas, I've tried to counsel him telling him that he should pray and be patient but he says that when he decided to change, he promised OHF to help her heal and return to be the type of person that she once was and that if he doesnt do anything he feels as if he is breaking a promise to our HF.

My question is this, as a husband and patriarc, Does he sit back and wait, just praying and be patient? or does he have to talk to her to fulfill his responsibities by talking to her. Oh by the way. she is not accepting any type of counseling either from the bishop or by someone professional.

If anyone has links or scriptures so that i can share with him and or her i would really appreciate it.

Please excuse grammar and my sentence structure. I'm at work and i needed to get this up quick

Edited May 29, 2009 by newlight

[NeuroTypical]

Are you sure your question shouldn't be "what's my role as a home teacher"? You visit and bring a spiritual message, and see if the family has any specific needs. You don't have to meet those needs yourself. Sounds like she or he or they need marriage counseling - something an untrained home teacher probably should avoid trying to provide (especially when the wife is refusing it).

Sounds like you can pray for, listen to, sympathize with, and bear testimony to these folks. But I'd draw the line at offering, as a representative of the church acting in official capacity as home teacher, marital advice.

Unless, of course, the spirit gives you things to say.

LM

[newlight]

I have prayed and given messages and some advice and now he has asked for my advice. I have had a positive influence in the past with certain messages i've given to them but I'd like to know what to say about her saying that "his responsibilites end where her free will starts"

I feel that i can help them with this because they trust me and that is why I am asking for advice here, just want some ideas or references in talks or scriptures so that i can study them.

[the Ogre]

Sorry, I know he's your home-teaching assignment, but I think the guy is a jerk. He needs to exercise some humility and give his wife a lot of room. She will come to her own conclusion on her own time-scale.

No rushing her and no offering any advise. He has proven to be very unreliable. He should count his blessings (one being that she didn't leave him and take every penny he owned) and let her heal. Maybe he should be the one doing the fasting and prayer. He also ought to practice the fabulous skill of keeping his mouth shut until she can trust him again. Until such a time, he has absolutely no credibility. Part of his restitution has be silence, distance, and humility.

[newlight]

Ogre, I agree with you but that still doesnt help me :) Oh by the way, I asked my wife and it's going on 3 years since that happened not 1 1/2. I personally think that after all that time, and if he is doing everything he is suppose to, then she needs to start to really forgive him. She also needs to start to change because now she is the one that is limiting the progress of the family. But i cant tell her that because she will think i am siding with him.

[skippy740]

Remember that as a home teacher, you represent the Bishop - to help oversee the spiritual and temporal wellbeing of each family on a monthly basis.

This doesn't mean that you ARE the Bishop. You are only helping to assist.

I suggest that when you report back to the EQ Presidency that you share your concerns with the EQ President and he can share them with the Bishop. Bishop can then coordinate efforts with the RS Presidency and her Visiting Teachers.

It may take a team effort, but your role is to return and report back, not try to solve everything and make everything better.

It isn't our place to determine when someone is supposed to "forgive" someone. That becomes an unrighteous judgement (that you appear to quickly be coming into).

Just because YOU and the husband think it's been a good amount of time doesn't mean that it is the right time.

"A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still."

[skippy740]

BTW, the advice you should offer is this:

"Talk to the Bishop about your marriage as this is beyond the scope of my calling."

[skippy740]

I have prayed and given messages and some advice and now he has asked for my advice. I have had a positive influence in the past with certain messages i've given to them but I'd like to know what to say about her saying that "his responsibilites end where her free will starts"

I feel that i can help them with this because they trust me and that is why I am asking for advice here, just want some ideas or references in talks or scriptures so that i can study them.

All you can do is LOVE them.

The LAST thing you want to do is "smite them over the head with the Word of God."

Let's just say that if I was in a place where I felt I was being "preached at" I'd grow to dislike him AND the words he was saying.

[the Ogre]

Dude, I don't care if it takes fifty years. It is her time to take. I agree with Skippy, report to the EQ Pres and also the bishop, but most of all do what a home teacher does: support the family, teach the 1st Pres message, remember birthdays, and pray tons.

Let the Bishop and H-avenly F-ther do the rest.

[NeuroTypical]

But i cant tell her that because she will think i am siding with him.

And she'd be right.

Right?

[newlight]

Something I forgot to mention. After his disciplinary counsel a few months later she also had an affair and went through a disciplinary counsel herself.

I understand that I need to pray and just help them this way but I feel that this case is different because both have asked me to help them. She does not want to talk to the Bishop or anyone else but they do accept my advise as a home teacher. The Bishop is also ok with me helping them, since she doesnt want to speak to anyone right now.

[the Ogre]

Something I forgot to mention. After his disciplinary counsel a few months later she also had an affair and went through a disciplinary counsel herself.

I understand that I need to pray and just help them this way but I feel that this case is different because both have asked me to help them. She does not want to talk to the Bishop or anyone else but they do accept my advise as a home teacher. The Bishop is also ok with me helping them, since she doesnt want to speak to anyone right now.

That does not change anything. Be a good hometeacher. Let them work it out.

[MichaelPAGuy]

Everybody heals at their own pace. This is something one cannot rush back into. The husband broke the bond of trust. That is somethingt he has to earn back on her terms. Not his.