Marriage Help

[MRC32]

Hello,

My wife and I are facing the toughest issue we have ever faced, and I need to ask a few questions and for some advice. My wife's and my marriage has been struggling for approximately a year to a year and a half. Until about 3 months ago, we still got along great, but we had fallen off the straigth and narrow path about a year and a half ago. A few days ago, she confessed to me that she was having an affair. She has appologized for what she has done, and says she wants to try to work things out, but feels confused, and like she loves two people.

I have not been totally innocent in this situation either, however, having fallen into pornography, and having strong temptations, especially lately to meet other women, although I have never actually had an affair, or actively sought one.

I realize that why my wife is the one that had the affair, we are both to blame for allowing our marriage to get to this point, by not putting our marriage and the church as the top priorities in our lives.

My in-laws were at the house during her confession and have been of upmost help for us so far. I have devoted 100% of my time these past few days, saying many prayers, reading scriptures and articles on the church website, fasting, and seeking advice. I have been told by Heavenly Father that I need to do everything I can to make this temple marriage work. However, I do have some questions.

1. She wants to confess to a bishop, but not our current bishop because she doesn't feel comfortable around him (and was one of the reasons for her not wanting to go to church). Is it ok to have her talk to the bishop from the other ward in our city?

2. She says she has feelings for me and this other guy and is confused about what to do. She said she has never had feelings for two people, although she wants to work things out. She has said that she will cut off 100% communication with this person, but hasn't informed him yet, even though she has not communicated with him since she confessed to me. She says she feels that she needs to do it in person, as she owes it to him and it will make it more final. Is this ok? I found and article on the web (non LDS) that suggested ending an affair by meeting in a public place, I want her to end it over the phone with me listening, but maybe that is not necessary.

3. How much time should I give her to contact the bishop / officially tell this person that she will no longer see him?

I have felt the spirit very strongly these past few days, so strong that I can't deny what I have been told. I know that if we do things the right way, with the help of the lord, and make our marriage and the gospel the #1 priority in our lives, we can work this out, and come out of it with a stronger marriage.

Any other advice that I have not specifically asked for is also much appreciated.

Sincerely,

MRC32

[ryanh]

Wow, sounds like you two have a tough hill to climb. It just may be that you two had to hit this 'bottom' in order to turn things around and make it better than it has ever been. I wish you luck in that endeavor.

In your searches, did you by chance come across Peter Fox's website? He has some good advice for healing from and getting past infidelity.

I'd suggest some marriage counseling to help you two along the journey. A professional's input would likely be helpful.

[Misshalfway]

I am so sorry to hear all this. I can't imagine the pain.

Here's my take on your questions.

1) I understand how one might not feel so great about personalities. How do you feel about talking to the SP? I know there is protocol, but perhaps there is some wiggle room as the SP is your leader too.

But...I would add this. Telling the bishop will be crucial to saving your temple marriage and moving thru the steps of repentance. No it won't be easy or fun and we don't get to hand pick our bishops. Tell your wife that she may need to pass thru the discomfort and do it anyway. You never know. Your bishop may surprise you. Or if he isn't the best fit, remember the Atonement works independent of personalities and weaknesses. Really if she were my friend, I would just tell her to buck up and do it and trust.

2&3) I am sorry but I don't have much sympathy for her dilemma or patience for her delay. I might have some understanding for any pain that may have preceeded her choices but she has to grow up for heavens sake. This isn't high school. She is married! She needs to start acting like it. She may wake up in a few weeks and realize how off her emotions were.

And I am not sure what your question is. Is this ok? NO. It's NOT OK! And I think you have every right to have proof that the relationship is over and that she is absolutely and irrevicably committed to you. I wouldn't mess around with any extended timelines. If she is hesitating, I wouldn't put up with it. She needs to do it now! Heck, she needs to do it yesterday!!

[MRC32]

Thanks for the comments and your sympothy.

@Ryan, yes, marital counseling is in our plans, hopefully as soon as possible. I will check that website out when I get home tonight, thanks for that.

@MissHalfWay: I know my bishop would "suprise" her. I don't feel the same way about him that she does. You are right that she needs to talk to our bishop or the sp, maybe I will still have her contact our old Bishop that she would rather talk to, as he will most likely still listen and advise, but then get my wife to talk to the correct person. The spirit is completely gone from my wife right now, but she does have a testimony deep down, and knows what she needs to do.

In response to answers 2&3, I don't feel much sympothy for what she is going through either, but also don't want to push too hard, pushing her into the wrong decision. Inside, I am actually softening my stance as to how she ends it, as long as it is done. She has been honest with me in her feelings since confessing, and I believe that if we are getting back on the right path, talking to our church leaders, marriage counseling, being active in the church, daily prayers and scripture study, I believe that she will have no desire to continue the relationship and I wouldn't concern myself with it. If it happens again, I will have to end our relationship, and she knows it. The worst has already happened, and if it takes her to break it off with him in person, maybe that wouldn't be the biggest deal, as long as she meets him in a public place to do it, and says a prayer with me before she goes.

Also, today is our three year anniversery. Should I even do anything about this? I am not talking about a present or anything, but maybe some flowers, with a note saying that I know we can get through this if we do this with the Lord's help or something like that?

[Guest]

Big present on your anniversary is a great thing. It symbolizes your commitment to make things work.

You will need to ascertain the strength of her commitment as well. When women have affairs, it means a whole lot more than men. Okay, this might be too generalistic. But, women psyche is such that they have to be emotionally invested before they go into a physical relationship, whereas men can carry a physical relationship while being emotionally absent.

You guys need another honeymoon just to remind yourselves why you got married at the temple.

I'm not really the greatest at giving advice, so hope this helps even just a little bit.

[Guest Alana]

Also, today is our three year anniversery. Should I even do anything about this? I am not talking about a present or anything, but maybe some flowers, with a note saying that I know we can get through this if we do this with the Lord's help or something like that?

I think you should absolutely do something. You said you want to work on this eternal marriage. So do it. If I was in your shoes, I'd try to arrange a little private time for the two of you, maybe rent a movie that you both like, and sit together and eat some good ice cream while the flowers you got her are sitting pretty in a vase on the side. Something personal, kind and signifying that you want to spend time with her. Best of luck for the two of you.

[Misshalfway]

I appreciate patience. It's a good attribute but I don't think it ever requires that we compromise our boundaries. If she is committed to you, YOU should be the one she should be trying to comfort, not some allegence to a person who took her from you. I think this attitude smacks of immaturity and disrespect. Forgive my directness. I just think she is thinking about this thing all backwards. If it makes you feel uncomfortable for a face to face meeting, I personally believe that if she wants to win you back it would be in her best interest to meet your requests. It sounds like you love her and that you are trying to be flexible. I am waiting to see her do the same.

And with regards to the anniversary, you really need search your heart and listen to your inner voice on this one. Sometimes it can be going against yourself to celebrate as if you are a happy committed couple when in reality your world has been hit by a nuclear bomb! It can feel like denial, and you don't want that. So.....perhaps do something to acknowledge the day if that feels genunine for you, but I might think waiting and having a celebration make up day might be better. I wouldn't celebrate it if it were me. I would wait and see if she acts appropriately before I let her back into trusting interactions or before I laid my heart out. I worry that she will take advantage of your niceness.

[Vort]

Acknowledge your anniversary, even if it's only with some flowers. Even if you're contemplating divorce, your marriage, while alive, is something to be celebrated or at least recognized.

(foreverafter in 3, 2, 1...)

[Guest missingsomething]

Im going to suggest an anniversary gift - it can be bought at wal-mart or rented at most blockbusters (but ask -it can be hard to find as a rental)...

GET the movie FIREPROOF - then go get 2 copies of the LOVE DARE book .... and give that to her for your anniversary. Its not church books but it teaches you to put God first then your spouse and it helps you to heal over rough patches in a marriage.

Follow the promptings of the spirit. Ryan is right - get counseling.

She can confess to the other bishop - and this might help her get it out - which can be the hardest part... but my guess is that she will then have to go through a disciplinary counsel with her Own bishopric. I would say be kind about this - its hard, but gently encourage her that if she is truly repentant then she needs to humble herself before the bishop. Perhaps offer to give her a blessing before doing it? I dont know... I dont know the answers to that - just rambling.

Good luck - you should look up the posts from Tarnished - I couldnt find it - maybe Pam can help you find it - shes great at that... the one where she talked about her infidelity and her husband responded.

[lilered]

In my view, you should continue to fast and pray about the entire situation. Have you given some thought to talking with your Bishop alone first and making him aware of the situation. He then could call her in to his office to discuss it further. The reason I ask, is under normal circumstance, the wife is the one who usually goes to the Bishop and advises of her spouses infidelity. Meanwhile, the quicker this process starts, the quicker the repentance process can get started and you both can get on with the steps to gain forgiveness and returning to the covenants you both took in the Temple. May God bless you both and remember he loves both of you and will forgive and bless you.

[lattelady]

MRC32, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your desire and willingness to see this thing through and keep your vows and comittments are so honorable. My only advice--so much wonderful advice had already been given--is in regards to her cutting off the relationship with the other man. I know it's only my opinion, but I don't believe it would be in her BEST INTEREST to see him in person to lay things to rest. I believe that at this point she should display a willingness to do whatever you ask her to do out of respect for you. And I think it is WISDOM from you that is requesting that she do it over the phone (and even that she let you listen in). That way, there is true accountability! For her to see him again face to face is to risk temptation for her, especially since she's already said there are still feelings there. She doesn't owe him ANYTHING. She doesn't owe him a face to face meeting. She owes you the respect of ending things in a way that is going to be both final and accountable. I mean to say these things gently; I wish you both the best.