Marriage? screwed up relationship? Don't know

[liv4art]

so its really awkward, but I've been going to college for years and met a fabulous woman that I would love to spend the rest of eternity with. I'm sure she feels the same way about me. I love her I think and we are so compatible. The only problem is that she is 21 years older than me. I'm 18 and she's 38. I want to marry her and then go to grad school with her, and begin our dreams we have planned out. I know this would be putting off a mission, but I just don't know... I'm really confused. Help please.

[pam]

18 and going to college for years?

[liv4art]

I graduated way early

[liv4art]

technically it's around two years ish that I've been going.

[liv4art]

That's why I have this problem. I developed a relationship with a woman that is no where near my age. She's older than all my siblings and yet we have had conversations about kids and where to build a house, and honeymoons and everything. I don't know what my parents would say to it, particularly getting married rather than doing a mission.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

That's why I have this problem. I developed a relationship with a woman that is no where near my age. She's older than all my siblings and yet we have had conversations about kids and where to build a house, and honeymoons and everything. I don't know what my parents would say to it, particularly getting married rather than doing a mission.

Do not confuse Infatuation with honest to goodness love. While age should not make a difference, one has to be very reasonable with whom they choose to settle down with.

My advice, keep her as a friend. Especially if you think that you love her. You can never bank on "I think I love her" because years later, you may wake up and realize... "I don't really love her".

My suggestion attend Single Adult functions where there are women around your age.

My wife is two years older than me, that is fine because we are close to one another's age.

The other aspect is don't rush so fast to grow up. You are still young and it would be better to spend time with those of your age.

Yet, you have your moral agency to choose, but choose very carefully and as difficult as it seems, put aside emotions and infatuations and look at it as objective as possible, maybe even talk with your Bishop about it.

Just because she is talking the same talk does not means she wants to walk down the aisle and say I do forever.

[liv4art]

believe me, this is not "infatuation". But good advice overall. I'll implement some of it. We've spoken about marriage though, specifically applying to our relationship and she has said she wants to say "I do" forever. Not that I proposed at all, because I didn't. We both know the age gap is an issue.

[pam]

Let me state this from a mom's perspective. I have two 18 year old sons. If I thought they were infactuated with a woman who is old enough to be their mother..I would have a difficult time with it. A really difficult time with it.

I will also be honest here since you are asking for opinions. I would question the maturity or the thought process of the woman. Again just my opinion..and probably also being a mom.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I agree with Pam.

I honestly believe what we have here is a situation where there is a fetish between a young man and an older woman.

It is known that men who are in their 18-20's are in their sexual prime. Woman do not reach their sexual prime until their 30's.

And, there are some who would consider this type of scenario of a young man having what is called a "Mother Fetish" where young boys seek a "mother like" figure.

On the same token, the same could be applied from the Older Woman's perspective.

Again, my honest opinion is that you are better to develop more meaningful relationships with those around your age. If she was five years older than you, that is a whole different story. Ten years, that is pushing it. 20 year difference, that has some psychological difficulties.

Ask yourself this question, you are a father of an 18 year old girl and she comes home and tells you she met a great guy and he proposed. You find out that she is marrying someone that is the same age as you.

[FairChild]

I'm concerned that if you don't go on a mission and marry her, you will regret that you missed out on many different experiences. Fortunatly you are young enough to take some time. If it is meant to be, she will be able to wait for you. What I worry about is the fact that you as you age, you change and you will not be the same person you are at 18. Honestly, you change a lot between the ages of 18 and 25. If you graduated so early from college, I wonder what your peer experiences have been like. You have not mentioned if she is a memeber of the church. I wish you both well.

[FunkyTown]

I dated a thirty year old woman when I was twenty.

It was pretty awesome, I'm not going to lie. However: I want you to consider if you'll be okay with it when you're pushing 30 and she's 50, or when you're 40 and she's 60. Will you still be happy when you're still young and strong and she's frail and unable to do anything?

We should never be unequally yoked. If you are going to be okay with losing out on a good portion of who you are, then go for it.

However, I would suspect that you need to take a very hard look first. If someone saying you shouldn't do it because you're too young makes you want to go out and do it just to prove them wrong? Then they're right.

[ryanh]

You might get some pretty tough advice in this thread. I will be tough, because so many that have walked through more of life than you have can see the errors of where you are at, and that advice will come across as contradictory to your desires. You have sought out advice, so I am sincerely hoping that is sign that you are humble enough to honestly take the advice of those of us who have your best interest at heart.

Foremost – you will have one and only one chance to serve a mission at your age. The directive that all young men are to serve a mission is not one to be dismissed lightly if one is concerned about ‘living forever’ with a spouse. Not only that, but you will be missing out on far more joy and growth from a mission than you can understand at this point. Do not pass up your one opportunity to obey God, and serve your own well being by foregoing a mission! That’s the way I feel about it. If she is the person that you are to spend the eternities with, she will still be there when you get back.

Seattle touched upon one of the aspects that first came to my mind. One of the difficult dynamics of a relationship where age is significantly different is the mother/son or daddy/daughter roles the relationship takes on. You and she cannot help but feel and play out some of these dynamics in such a relationship. You may think that you can avoid it, but IMO,it would be extremely unlikely you can.

Does she have children? If not, it is very likely that, knowing she has passed the age of childbearing, is being driven by natural impulses to nurture and care for one that is younger than her.

And how was your relationship with your mother? Completely fulfilling? I dare say not or else you likely wouldn’t have even begun to engage in socializing with this woman beyond any required class participation. Understand please, I am not attempting to cast stones at you or your mother. I had a distant mother that was not always there for me or helped me when I needed her. Consequently, all through my teen years, and even beyond, I was far more attracted to older women than to those closer to my own age. I count my blessings that I was able to see that for what it was – a hope and desire to fill the void I felt, and that I didn’t follow that.

Where there is such a significant age difference in this lifetime, I suspect it would be difficult to develop the equal partnership necessary to build a celestial marriage. There will always be an inequality by virtue of your different positions in life.

Why is she single at her age? Now, take this with a grain of salt as I do understand there are MANY wonderful women in their 40’s that are single for all the various reasons. But, it is a factor to very seriously investigate. (similarly, if she wants a 'forever' relatiohship, she should be very seriously investigating why you would be willing to get married before serving a mission)

Some advice I heard recently regarding evaluating a person for marriage potential: If you are putting someone up on a pedestal, stop it, and take them off the pedestal to evaluate them objectively. And if they are putting you up on a pedestal, and are unwilling to take you off that to objectively evaluate you, run.

I agree that you may be fine with the age difference now, but I don’t expect that will last for all of this life. The infatuation stage you are in (and yes, even if you don’t think it is infatuation, it is – been there, done that) will wear off. (do some searches on “honeymoon phase of marriage” and how marriage changes over time) It may become far more of a stumbling block to you later in life than you can possibly realize now.

There is only One that can help us see if the decisions we are making are right or not. It seems you are trying to only figure this out for yourself without seeking the direction of our Heavenly Father. This is just one more piece of evidence that tells me you really need to go on a mission to learn better how to rely on God more, and less on yourself.

Sorry for the harsh words. It’s all in love from someone that considers you a brother. I wish the best for you.

P.S. – there is no such thing as soul mates. She isn’t a ‘one and only’, and there will be others when you return from your mission.

[ryanh]

I feel the need to comment more specifically on a couple things.

That's why I have this problem. I developed a relationship with a woman that is no where near my age. She's older than all my siblings and yet we have had conversations about kids and where to build a house, and honeymoons and everything. I don't know what my parents would say to it, particularly getting married rather than doing a mission.

You recognize it as a problem apparently, right? So, have you formulated in your mind exactly what the questions are you need to ask yourself, her, and others? Hopefully the posts so far will be helpful in that endeavor.

Re: having had conversations regarding kids, house, honeymoons, etc. My dear brother, please realize that doesn't mean much. I've had those conversations with male co-workers! Of course, we weren’t talking about doing it together! But, my point is the topic of the conversation means nothing without the emotions attached to it. This is an emotional matter, not one of what has been discussed. Having discussed those matters only means that the both of you are emotionally engaged enough to discuss them, and come to some agreement, not that it is any sort of sign about the status or condition of the relationship.

believe me, this is not "infatuation". But good advice overall. I'll implement some of it.

I am going to be forceful and emphatically emphasize that yes, this is infatuation. There may be more to it, but you cannot possibly help but to be infatuated at this stage of a relationship. I dare say that if a person is not infatuated at this stage of a relationship, there is something wrong with them and they ought to seriously reconsider if they should ever marry!

I can understand why you wouldn't think it is infatuation. It's very hard to see and understand until you have passed through it before. It is so incredibly hard to think straight during the infatuation stage. But, for your own sake, you need to work hard to set it aside and consider the situation rationally, and with Heavenly Father's guidance. (hint, hint - time on a mission is a PERFECT way to get that separation from emotions and rationally consider your situation!)

How else do I know it is infatuation? Well, as one popular and well known Utah marriage/relationship coach has put it when speaking on the radio - were it not for these chemically induced drives creating temporary insanity that push men and women together, it isn't to likely, given how different women and men are, that we would ever marry or have children!

[Guest Alana]

You're not the first 18 year old to be in love and wondering if you should go on a mission or not. Do you think going on a mission is the right thing to do? Do you think Heavenly Father expects you to go on a mission when you're 19? If yes, then do it. If you were 18 with an 18 year old girl friend the advice would be the same for me.

[will227457]

run bro run very fast and very far......you are young you will get over it and move on....

[Generally_Me]

The 5 year difference between my hubby and me comes up regularly, I can't imagine that someone of a different generation would have so much in common with you to have an actual marriage. I'm going to make the comment that, if you marry her, it will become a mother-son type relationship. There's no way she has very many things in common with you.

I can't see her as a rational adult. You are legal, but barely. I'll put in my vote for Go on your mission, at the very least. Talk to your bishop. Talk to your parents. There is something wrong with this relationship.

I would say the same if the sexes were switched, and it was a middle aged man pursuing a teen girl.

[will227457]

I would say the same if the sexes were switched, and it was a middle aged man pursuing a teen girl.

naw the other way around is fine...LOL just kidding, there is a 7 yr gap between my wife and I, I am older. there have been challanges espically early in our marriage, but a 20yr gap....the potential for disaster is enormous...go on a mission my mission was great I'd do it again in a heart beat.....

[ryanh]

I would say the same if the sexes were switched, and it was a middle aged man pursuing a teen girl.

That's a good tool for you to rationally consider this situation liv4art. What would you think of a man marring a teen less than half his age? Even if she were mature and highly intelligent? I think we can all see that for what it is. Apply it the other way around, and strip away our natural gender-bias, then see what the reverse situation also really is.

[xXTekXx]

Ask the Lord what you should do, he's never given me any bad advice. Were I in your shoes? I'd serve that mission and then worry about what to do regarding marriage.

Edited September 30, 2009 by xXTekXx

[talisyn]

Ok I have to speak out on this subject, and ouch! Talk about slings and arrows.

18 years old is very young, but many have married happily at that age. I recommend going on your mission for the Lord and seeing what happens when you get back. She should date while you're gone and if it was meant to be then go for it. If not, continue on with your studies and your life and you'll find someone right to take to the temple.

Anecdotally, my fiance and I are 12 1/2 years apart, I'm older. It took around 1 year before I took him seriously, and 3 years for me to say yes when he proposed. At 37 I don't feel 'over-the-hill', I feel able to look life in the eye and shake it's hand What we did though was wait til he finished college and got his finances straight. I think that it's important that both members of a relationship are the adults. There are a few generational issues we've worked through, and we've both learned to compromise (for instance, I know the back history of almost every person on Bleach and he's getting better about pumping gas when we go somewhere).

You both have all the time in the world, even if she's 40 when you get back from your mission. She'll be 60 when you're 40, but 60 year olds are not decrepit, usually. And how many people the same age get divorced anyways? Age is not an indicator of the success or failure of a good marriage. The maturity and stability of the individuals in the relationship are. Look at things in an eternal perspective. If God think the 2 of you will be lousy together or really good then He'll tell you

[StallionMcBeastly]

I tend to think, no matter who you are, marrying at 18 is foolish.

Pray about what you should do.