Not worried about this just wondering really....

[Soul_Searcher]

OK, My last boyfriend before my husband contacted me recently asking for help to propose to his girlfriend, of all things...

Now, he is not a member and we only dated for a few months about 6 years ago. However, when we were dating, we shared a bed. We did NOT have sex or do anything bad apart from one time. I did more with my hubby when we were dating. In his email he told me how much he respected my decision to not have sex before marriage and I taught him so much about relationships. He also said if it wasn't for me he doubts he would still be with his girlfriend as their sex life diminished after the birth of their daughter, and because he had been with me he realised sex wasn't the most important thing in a relationship.

He mentioned a couple of other things and my stomach turned over when I read it because my hubby was sitting right next to me. I have never told my hubby that we slept in the same bed, and because it has been so long it would be a big deal if I ever mentioned it now. I have also never confided this to a Bishop.

The thing is, when I was in YSA I had lots of male friends and we used to share beds a lot, including with my hubby before we were married on seversal occasions.

I dont want to be looking over my shoulder in case this comes up again,which is unlikely as I mever see him really maybe once ina blue moon in town or something.

Just wondered what everyones thoughts were on this???

[Soul_Searcher]

I should also mention that my hubby has hinted he has got up to things in the past with girlfriends-nothing serious just the usual getting carried away you do when ur kising or whatever if u no what I mean. i havent asked about it because I dont care, it doesn't matter at all to me.

[WmLee]

My grandfather had a long talk with me after my wife and I were engaged. I too have a history and I am ashamed of some of the choices I've made. He told me there was no reason to burden her with my mistakes.

Just before we were married my wife confided to me that there were some things in her past she felt terrible about. I told her that her past was, in the past. She was my future and that was all I cared about. I didn’t need to know the details of anything and we left it at that. I didn’t ask about her talking to the bishop or anything else.

A “mistake” contacted her a few years ago. Seems he is married now and just wanted to strike up a friendship or something. She told me he had sent her email and asked what she should do. I told her she knows how much I love her and that I trusted her completely. A short while later she told me she wasn’t going to send anything back to him. She said it was a mistake from her past and she didn’t want to disrespect me.

I think we all have baggage from the past. If it’s not going to make us look good or enhance our current relationship, leave it in the closet, way in the back, and never open it up. If it’s not going to help your relationship with your husband, why even consider it?

[BenRaines]

Good advice from WMLEE.

Ben Raines

[Soul_Searcher]

I agree which is what I have done. Was interested in peoples opinions really.

[Gwen]

i wouldn't help him. not just because of the risk to your own marriage but putting yourself in his girlfriend's shoes.... i would be very very upset if i found out later that my husband got an ex girlfriend's help in proposing, picking the ring, anything of that nature... that is supposed to come from him. i'm not saying he can't get help but it should be from his sister or her sister or her best friend or whatever, not an ex.

as for this email and subject coming up with your husband being a concern... i'm sorry i guess in some ways i'm to logical... i don't see any grounds to be upset. if you did the same things with him before marriage and he knows you had other relationships then he should know the odds are you did those same things in those relationships. those were your boundary lines. and his. if you found out he had done the same with other girls you would have little right to be upset in my opinion. i agree with wmlee, when it comes to some things what is past is past, keep it there.

[Misshalfway]

Our "baggage" from the past may or may not effect our future. And I think it might be a little different for everyone. You seem to have no issue whatsoever with your H's past. Then you can be at peace with what you do and don't know. Other people may not be able to leave the past in the past as the "things they don't know" keep bothering them or consequences from the past disturb the peace of the present.

I guess what I am saying is that if a concern bubbles up, its ok to address it in careful conversation with your partner. At the end of the day, its how you and your husband see it all and process it all that matters. If something isn't talked about, even if it appears silly, and it festers then that isn't good either. I think people need to do what it takes to be able to lay the past down and let it go.

And we are faulty emotionally reactive humans. We need to be gentle with our and others less than rational parts as we bring everything back into healthy love filled perspective. Sometimes we can't just let the past be the past. We have to sort thru it a bit and find out if there is anything in the past that might come back to hurt us. I think talking stuff through can help calm these kind of fears.

And I think too, what you do with this person's request to help is crucial too. If you say you have put the mistake behind you, yet you show loyalty to that mistake, it can compromise the trust of the current relationship.

[Soul_Searcher]

Hubby would only be upset because I kept it from him, not that we slept in the same bed.

Gwen I didnt help him as a) its a bit weird of him to ask me and b) what he was asking was so ridiculously impossible it was almost laughable!!!

I agree really, past should stay in the past :)