Discipline

[JudoMinja]

There is right and there is wrong. We all know this and are, in fact, born with such knowledge. Because Adam and Eve partook of the fruit of the tree of good and evil, we all have the ability to discern good from evil. This is why we have laws. Those laws vary, however, from country to country, because people often disagree on just what is right and what is wrong, but the difference between the two can be clear to those who know how to discern those differences.

The nature of something is made evident in the result that follows. All things have consequences. Good things result in good consequences, while bad things result in bad consequences. This simple logic is often muddled and confused, as Satan would have us mix the two. He fills the world with convincing lies, making good bad and bad good, but we can see through those lies when we rely on the spirit to direct our decisions. Doing what is right and good begets good, while doing what is wrong and evil will beget evil. Simple, yes?

Not so much. We must be careful not to attach the wrong consequences to our actions. Everyone will experience hard times in their lives, even the most worthy and righteous. These are not bad consequences for bad actions. Our weaknesses and infirmities are not signs of God’s judgment coming down upon us because of our sins. No, these outside circumstances are the results of one of two things- the natural and unavoidable courses of life, or the results of the bad choices of others. Two examples: A natural consequence of life is death, plain and simple. Everyone, someday, is gong to die. This is not a punishment or judgment. A consequence resulting from the bad choices of another may be an injury sustained in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. This, again, is not a punishment or judgment. It is a course of the chain of cause and effect which the Lord allows to take place so that our suffering may stand as a witness for those responsible come judgment day.

The only consequences over which we have complete and total control are those which result from our own actions. It is most important that we have the ability to discern the difference between right and wrong so that we can make choices that will lead to good consequences instead of bad. I believe this is why the Lord instituted the organization of the family. What better way for us to learn right from wrong?

A good, strong, family will be organized in a way that models our heavenly family. This facilitates the best environment for teaching. When we model our families after the plan given by the Lord, our children will be given the best opportunities to learn right from wrong and understand the consequences of their choices. Parents should strive to provide loving care and nurturing lessons to their children, mimicking to the best of their mortal abilities the same loving care and nurturing lessons we are offered by our Heavenly Father.

The Lord has given us laws, commandments, and instructions that will protect us from harm and lead us to eternal happiness. He has very specific standards which we are expected to follow. He is set and rigid in these ways, uncompromising and unwavering. His way is perfect, and it is only be following His way that we will ever attain true happiness. His expectations are not meant to restrict us or overwhelm us, but to free and enrich. Our homes should follow a similar pattern.

Parents must provide rules, standards of conduct and behavior, and expectations for their children. These should be made with the intent of protecting, nurturing, motivating, and nourishing them. Parental rules and regulations should not be put in place with the strict purpose of restricting or restraining your children, and expectations should not be set so high and steep so as to overburden and overwhelm them. Children should be obedient and fulfill the expectations of their parents to the best of their abilities, knowing that their parents have set such rules and standards in love and that being obedient will bring them happiness.

Parents must remain consistent in these rules and expectations. To waver, falter, or vary the standards will confuse and frustrate your children. Remember that it is your duty and responsibility to teach your children the difference between right and wrong. There is a clear line and distinction between the two, but how can our children understand or see this line if our homes are filled with gray and muddied interpretations?

Even the little things are important. Don’t ever think they are not! Those in the military are expected to maintain absolute perfection when it comes to their uniforms. When inspected, they must be dressed in the exact manner expected, all pieces of the uniform on, clean, tidy, and in their proper place, down to the last thread. Some may find it easy to complain about such a rigid standard, finding it far too unreasonable, harsh, and strict. They will try to get away with the little things, hoping their inspector will let it slide. If the inspector were to let a little thing go, then eventually these complainers will seek to loosen up the standard once again. Then again, and again, until finally uniforms are no longer required at all. The uniform expectations are not so strict that they are impossible or even improbable. The uniform is maintained through a consistent, uncompromising, high standard.

The media, however, has taken this slippery slide of compromising and shifting standards. When television first aired, shows with married couples would not even show the bedroom scenes as the actors could not be seen in the same bed. Now, public television is all but pornographic, because this high standard slipped one small step at a time, until we now have shows containing the worst filth.

Do not let your homes follow the same pattern as that of the worldly media. Maintain high expectations, strict rules, strong standards and code of conduct. Be firm and unwavering as the Lord. Make no compromises or expectations to the rule. Never change or alter what you have set in stone. Your children will thrive on your consistency and feel comforted and secure in knowing what is expected of them. They will know the difference between right and wrong.

Children will make mistakes, and at times will even rebel against the authority figure telling them what they can and cannot do. It is normal for children striving for independence to desire to make their own choices, and their lack of understanding will sometimes cause poor decisions. As they strive to strike out their own paths, children will often fight against your rules. Parents should model their reactions to this behavior after the Lord.

There is a consequence for every action. Good choices beget good consequences, while bad choices beget bad consequences. When we turn away from the way of the Lord, we lose out on the blessings and privileges we could obtain through obedience to his principles. God does not seek to control our choices or force us to do good. Likewise, parents should not seek to control or force their children to do good. Provide rewards for good behavior, and loss of privileges for bad behavior. When chastising or punishing insubordinate children, do so with love and tenderness and always remember that the goal is to teach them. Your children will learn through experience to trust your judgment so long as your judgment is centered on the Lord’s plan. Whether they learn through the happiness brought on from obedience or the unhappiness they will suffer from disobedience, your consistency and love in providing a God centered home will teach them the difference between right and wrong.

Furthermore, God is a God of mercy. Yes, your children will make mistakes and must suffer the consequences of their actions, but when they recognize that they have erred and seek to make restitution, parents should offer forgiveness. When children have done something wrong for which they are incapable of making complete restitution, parents should make up for the portion their children cannot fulfill.

The word discipline centers from the word disciple which means student. The purpose of rules, consequences, standards, punishments, and corrections is to teach. Being too light and letting things slide will teach children to be disrespectful and place no value on rules and standards. Being too harsh will teach children to fear and loathe authority. As we study and gain better insight and understanding into the ways of the Lord, we can better apply this knowledge and wisdom into our parenting methods, disciplining and teaching our children as Christ did his disciples. This will create strong homes, strong families, and strong values, our children easily able to distinguish right from wrong and make choices that will lead them on the path to happiness.

[Guest mormonmusic]

You've said a lot here in general. Yes, there should be standards, consequences, etcetera.

But how to implement these in practice is a challenge.

I have a classic problem many parents have encountered -- getting kids to bed. My 2 year old daughter hated to go to bed. We would put her in her room, and close the door, and she would bang, scream and wail forever. She would throw things against the door, and even wreck her room because she hated being in there alone. Once, she found a marker and colored on everything -- her lamp, bed frame, chest of drawers, the wall -- anything she could write on.

Although she was a wonderfully behaved child in other respects, it was as if she'd turned into a demon when bedtime came around.

So, how do you apply the principles you articulated above to encourage a little girl like this to go to bed peacefully, without consistently trashing her room and creating such a distracting, inappropriate ruckus night after night?

[Jenamarie]

You've said a lot here in general. Yes, there should be standards, consequences, etcetera.

But how to implement these in practice is a challenge.

I have a classic problem many parents have encountered -- getting kids to bed. My 2 year old daughter hated to go to bed. We would put her in her room, and close the door, and she would bang, scream and wail forever. She would throw things against the door, and even wreck her room because she hated being in there alone. Once, she found a marker and colored on everything -- her lamp, bed frame, chest of drawers, the wall -- anything she could write on.

Although she was a wonderfully behaved child in other respects, it was as if she'd turned into a demon when bedtime came around.

So, how do you apply the principles you articulated above to encourage a little girl like this to go to bed peacefully, without consistently trashing her room and creating such a distracting, inappropriate ruckus night after night?

Why does she hate being in there alone? Have you tried leaving the door open? Or coming in to sit by her for a few minutes, then coming back periodically until she goes to sleep?

We had this problem with my oldest, and I had to let go of my desire for her to just "do it" and see things from her level. She hated being alone too, so I didn't leave her alone... at first. I would sit by her bed until she dozed off. Over time I "weaned" her off of having me sit next to her. I did this by excusing myself for a few minutes, saying I needed a drink or had to use the potty, then would come back. Then I would say "Daddy needs me, I'll be back in a few minutes" and leave for a little longer. I always kept the door open when I left. Eventually she was okay with going to bed with the door open, and then later with a door closed. Whatever her reason was for not wanting to go to bed alone was dealt with (I think it was loneliness) because she knew that, even at bed time, Mom and Dad were there for her, even if she couldn't see us.

Ya it took a while (I think about 6 weeks), but when she no longer felt like she was in a power struggle against "Mean ol' mom and dad who leave her alone in her room at night" I got the desired behavior from her, and she got the desired sense of security from me.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Why does she hate being in there alone? Have you tried leaving the door open? Or coming in to sit by her for a few minutes, then coming back periodically until she goes to sleep?

Eventually, I did this. It's called the Sleep Separation Technique. Where you sit beside the child, and then slowly move further and further away from her. Eventually they fall asleep. At one point, I even took off my shoe and left it sticking into the doorway opening so she felt I was still there. Didn't fool her though, so I had to go back to sitting there. She watched my foot like a hawk to make sure I was still there.

I also used a technique called postiive reinforcement where I opened the door when she was quiet. This was reward for staying in bed and lying quietly.

I also had success with using unpleasant consequences and positive consequences at the same time. My daughter has a job cleaning the car -- she gets $7 for doing it. Well, she started getting an allowance a while ago, and it was enough that she stopped cleaning out the car -- just wasnt' worth it now that she her own money.

So, after all kinds of cognitive and persuasive methods failed, I finally told her that she could do the car and get $7, or if she chose not clean the car, I would clean it myself and bill her $7 from her allowance.

She started cleaning the car again.

I don't like using postive and negative consequences though -- only as a last resort when persuasive methods, choice, and other methods have failed, and the issue is important.

[JudoMinja]

Thanks Jenamarie! I don't know if I would have thought to give that advice as my own hasn't got his own room yet (still under a year old).

My nephew has difficulty sleeping in his room, but he will actually get up out of his room at random times of the night (whenever he wakes up) to come sleep out in the livingroom. For some reason, he doesn't like sleeping in his bed and will sleep on the couch even though there is no one else out there with him. I think his issues have a deeper stem, however. As he is trying to understand the world from the perspective of a simple and confused three year old going through the divorce of his parents, both of them acting selfishly and not really raising him.

I think that whatever parenting/discipline struggle you are trying to overcome, it is important to design your own route. What works best for you as an individual? What works for YOUR family? And as long as you remember to do so with love, striving to emulate our Heavenly Father, your best will be good enough.

It is important to really communicate with your children. Come physically down to their level so you can look them in the eye without intimidating them- this helps them feel like an equal and increases their feeling that you care about them. Listen to them. Ask them questions to better understand why they act the way they do- and help THEM understand why they act the way they do.

When they are misbehaving, explain that the behavior is unaccpetable, why it is unacceptable, and give them whatever incentives you see fit to help them discontinue the behavior. Ultimately it is their choice, but you will teach them through consequences that life is far more bright and enjoyable when they choose to do what is right.

[Guest mormonmusic]

My nephew has difficulty sleeping in his room, but he will actually get up out of his room at random times of the night (whenever he wakes up) to come sleep out in the livingroom. For some reason, he doesn't like sleeping in his bed and will sleep on the couch even though there is no one else out there with him.

My daughter showed the same behavior -- it was because the couch was colder and therefore more comfortable. She found her pillow and her room to be hot, even though the air conditioning was on.

I think that whatever parenting/discipline struggle you are trying to overcome, it is important to design your own route. What works best for you as an individual? What works for YOUR family? And as long as you remember to do so with love, striving to emulate our Heavenly Father, your best will be good enough.

I agree with some of this -- but don't forget to read about how to be an effective parent. We're encouraged to learn by study and by faith, and to "seek learning out of the best books".

Here are some good ones:

The Parenting Breakthrough (Merilee Boyack_: The most practical advice on LDS parenting I've ever read.

Why Good Parents Have Bad Kids

How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Behavior Modification: What it is and how to do it.

Unconditional parenting: Alfie Kohn

It is important to really communicate with your children. Come physically down to their level so you can look them in the eye without intimidating them- this helps them feel like an equal and increases their feeling that you care about them. Listen to them. Ask them questions to better understand why they act the way they do- and help THEM understand why they act the way they do.

Yes!!!! I do this all the time and ask them to talk to me. Ask open ended questions so you can learn about what's important to them, their character, and how they feel about Church, their life, etcetera.

When they are misbehaving, explain that the behavior is unaccpetable, why it is unacceptable, and give them whatever incentives you see fit to help them discontinue the behavior. Ultimately it is their choice, but you will teach them through consequences that life is far more bright and enjoyable when they choose to do what is right.

I believe you should use persuasive methods first. Often it's simply a matter of finding out why they are doing the unacceptable thing, and finding an alternative way of helping them achieve it. Also, distraction works great -- if they are in a nuisance misbehavior, find a way of distracting them into something more product 'How would you like to break an egg into my baking bowl?".

After all other persuasive methods fail, then I resort to consequences.

Edited December 11, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Elgama]

What works for one child may not work for another, each child has changed my views on discipline in the home, our main aims are to discipline by showing an example, understanding, and by expecting good behaviour, however sometimes action is needed,

With the going to bed we found having a consistent bedtime routine and time, and just wrestling my son down to sleep/cuddling to sleep worked quite well, did involve him attacking me but we always expected a good bedtime and still do, now we still have bad ones but we get more good ones him going when he is tired. We don't have set bedtimes anymore, have discovered our children now go when tired, but if they start going back to playing up or being very late going to bed a lot then we set a bedtime for a couple of weeks.

Most important thing is to go with the Holy Ghost and your gut instincts about what is right for your child and family, what works for one maybe destructive to another - my son I could probably beat the living daylights out of (never had), cuddle him and he would get over it, my daughter would be devestated if I looked at her too harshly, my youngest is so happy and laid back if he continues in his current vain a sense of humour will be best way to get through to him

[LDSVALLEY]

What works for one child may not work for another, each child has changed my views on discipline in the home, our main aims are to discipline by showing an example, understanding, and by expecting good behaviour, however sometimes action is needed,

With the going to bed we found having a consistent bedtime routine and time, and just wrestling my son down to sleep/cuddling to sleep worked quite well, did involve him attacking me but we always expected a good bedtime and still do, now we still have bad ones but we get more good ones him going when he is tired. We don't have set bedtimes anymore, have discovered our children now go when tired, but if they start going back to playing up or being very late going to bed a lot then we set a bedtime for a couple of weeks.

Most important thing is to go with the Holy Ghost and your gut instincts about what is right for your child and family, what works for one maybe destructive to another - my son I could probably beat the living daylights out of (never had), cuddle him and he would get over it, my daughter would be devestated if I looked at her too harshly, my youngest is so happy and laid back if he continues in his current vain a sense of humour will be best way to get through to him

I was going to say the same thing. The 1,2,3 method worked great for the first two the third it was a joke. With the youngest, our son, we thought we had major discipline issues, it got to the point when I was renovating, putting up gyprock, patching and painting it became impossible to get him to listen. We are talking about me trying for two hours to get a 6 minute time out done with him hitting constantly. We were at wits end with him, I had gutted most of our main hall and all the kitchen but was working on the hall when this occurred.

My wife could not handle him so I rushed finishing so I could take care of the issue while we figured out how to get him assessed by mental health experts. Then all of a sudden he was back to normal! It was clear the change started when I began ripping out the old paneling and finished when I stopped patching the new wall.

Turns out he has severe allergies to dust, instead of coughing etc it alters his ability to cope, he becomes very emotional etc. Now when he starts getting out of control we vacuum the house!

Don't always assume it is discipline issues especially with sudden change, the temperature issue someone mentioned is the same concept, environment can also play a big part.

Here is my 14 years of parenting offering everyone one piece of advise I have learned.

No matter what method you decide works best the only approach that will work is consistency. Don't look for the silver bullet, find something that fits and stick with it, over time it becomes a habit.

[Vort]

Turns out he has severe allergies to dust, instead of coughing etc it alters his ability to cope, he becomes very emotional etc. Now when he starts getting out of control we vacuum the house!

Amazing.

How many things in my life are exacerbated because I fail to recognize cause and effect?

My kid is acting up. Time to vacuum.

Brilliant. But a part of me despairs from ever being able to make sense of my own life actions, if outrageous dependencies like these are common (which they are).

[Jenamarie]

A friend of mine's daughter is severely allergic to red dye (which is in a LOT of food products). Her Dr. was on the point of diagnosing her as bi-pollar before they figured that out. What lead my friend to question the bi-polar theory was the helpless look in her daughter's eyes during her tantrums. My friend said it was like seeing your daughter trapped inside her own body. Her body and emotions were completely out of control, but inside her head she (the daughter) knew what she was doing wasn't appropriate, but she couldn't control herself.

Once they cut out all the food products that had the dye in it she was a new child; very mild mannered and fun-loving.