The Lord's Goodness

[Tammy]

I am so blessed today. I have had many adversaties with my children in the past, but today my son is headed home for Thanksgiving. My oldest daughter is coming home from Texas on Wed. I am expecting a new grand daugher within the next 2 1/2 weeks. I have 4 other wonderful grand children too.

As I pondered this I also am aware that many are suffering. I work in the library in a small town and I have patrons who are dying of cancer. The wife of one of the men is so strong. She just suprises me and blesses me with each visit. I am in awe of her. She just came in and brought me a basket of fruit for Thanksgiving! I wish there were more I could do for her. I have been ordering books on tapes for her for a while now due to an eye condition that prevents her from reading, but that seems insignificant.

I have to look more at my blessings. I will be missing two children at Thanksgiving. One of them --I don't know if she is dead or alive. BUT look at the bounty the Lord does pour out on us. It certainly relieves the suffering. I am indeed blessed in his care. I come into contact with people each day who are not of my religion and they bless me as well as my church family.

I am trying to remember that enduring to the end is not easy, but the blessings are there. I have always had trouble seeing them through the pain.

I wonder what can you do for someone who is loosing their husband? and another patron is dying herself? I want to be appropriate but I really am at a loss as how to help? Any ideas???

[StrawberryFields]

Tammy,

Thank you for that wonderful post.I think that we all need to reflect on the positive things in our lives. We are also blessed to have you as a member of LDS Talk. :)

[lisajo]

Thank you for the great refreshing post, It brightened my day!

[StrawberryFields]

Originally posted by Tammy@Nov 21 2005, 03:17 PM

I wonder what can you do for someone who is loosing their husband? and another patron is dying herself?  I want to be appropriate but I really am at a loss as how to help?  Any ideas???

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It sounds as if you are doing just fine. Being thoughtful to another human being is what is the most appreciated. I remember when Nick was in the hospital right after his accident the ladies there helped me to find all kinds of information. When I returned those books late they even took off the fines, they were very kind and understanding and I will never forget that. :)

[Tammy]

Thanks--I hope to find some way to tell her how much I appreciate her and her strength. Maybe a note in the mail or something??

[Guest ToasterOfen]

Hey Tammy,

My aunt has cancer, her third time, and it doesn't look like she will last much longer. About 4 months ago, they were sure she was going to die, but at the last minute surgery became possible, and they were able to remove a lot of it, saving her life. But, it keeps growing and becomes more vicious everyday. They haven't given her very long to live...it is a day by day thing.

For her, it is the little things matter. I stopped by to see her shortly after her surgery, and brought all 5 of my kids so she could see them. We weren't going to stay very long because I didn't want to overwhelm her; and although my children are very well behaved, boredom inevitably sets in.

However, we ended being there over 5 hours! My aunt and uncle didn't want us to leave. It was good for her and my uncle to see my kids, it took her mind off of her pain, both emotional and physical. And when she insisted that we stay for dinner, I took over and made dinner for them instead. And my kids...miraculously, they were little angels!

My mom later told me that my aunt said how grateful she was that we had come to see her. I thought I would have been a burden, but it ended up being a blessing.

So a note would be a great thing, just letting this person know you were thinking of them and appreciated them. A short phone call would be nice...this thread actually is prompting me to call my aunt this afternoon, it's been a while since I talked to her.

Like I said, it is the little things. And, don't be afraid or uncomfortable when this person brings up death. If you are close enough to this person, they eventually will bring it up. (It isn't the best idea for you to bring it up, but if they start talking about it, just listen.) They are scared, they are dying...sometimes the best thing you can do is offer your ear and soft shoulder to cry on. Don't offer promises of "oh, you'll get better, it isn't as bad as it looks", sugar coating it isn't what they need. Your friendship, compassion and love is THE best thing you can offer, and you are already doing it. And, a hug is a great thing!

[Tammy]

Thanks that is really helpful. I will send the note tomorrow. Someone else also prompted me to make a short visit and I will do that too. I will let you know how it goes.

[lisajo]

Originally posted by Tammy@Nov 21 2005, 02:31 PM

Thanks that is really helpful.  I will send the note tomorrow.  Someone else also prompted me to make a short visit and I will do that too.  I will let you know how it goes.

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And maybe a little some thing to pamper her self with, ya know like nice smelling lotion...Or a nice book

[Josie]

This is best forum I have been in all day.. Nothing negative. It is nice to see us thinking of someone else.. And I think those are great ideas. A phone call, note, plate of cookies, anything to brighten their day. We all need to be more acknowledging of those around us and their needs.

[Tammy]

Thanks to everyone. I was told that the person wasn't eating much or reading but you all have some great ideas.

[pushka]

Reading this, I feel very sorrowful that I felt unable to visit my sister in law when she was nearing death from breast cancer. My daughter was in and out of hospital at the time, and this was a sort of 'excuse' for us not to be able to just pop in at anytime...unfortunately, my sister in law was in denial of her condition, and when I did see her, I felt guilty for almost knowing that she was not going to make it. I couldn't bring myself to just face her...towards the end, I really wanted to visit her, but her family had advised me to just ring her as she was quite ill, then I got a cold and thought it wouldn't be good to pass on my germs...I didn't know just how bad she was though. My family kept it from me, because I had previously been in hospital following a suicide attempt, and they didn't think I could take this as well...she died 2 days after I decided not to visit her for fear of passing on my cold...I shall always regret it...

I'm sorry to bring this negative note to this thread, which is so uplifting. I still find it really hard to come to terms with my sister in law's death and cry whenever I think too hard about her or about cancer victims and their families.

[Tammy]

I am sorry about your sister in law. I had an aunt pass away and I was not able to tell her all I wanted to out of fear. I am trying to change how I deal with it because of that experience. I think people understand our fear at times like these.

[pushka]

Thank you for your kind words Tammy...they're very reassuring.

[Josie]

Pushka, I hope you know that your sister in law is in a wonderful place. She has her health, and I believe she probably knows how you feel. I do not think she would want you to feel bad. I think she knows your heart.

Sometimes, I think they are better off not knowing how sick they are. I think it helps them last longer to help us through their passing and it gives them hope. When we loose hope, we have nothing left.

Death is not something to be scared of. I use to be. But I am not of that mind anymore. I feel like if I have another day here to prove myself and do some kindness for someone else, then I am blessed. If I go to my Heavenly Father tonight, then I am blessed beyone measure.... Death should not be feared, but welcomed at its due time. Please understand, I am not condoning anything otherwise. When Heavenly Father calls us home, we are blessed.

I lost my son over 4 years ago, and I have thanked the lord everyday for taking him home and allowing him to have peace from all of his illnesses. I missed and miss him. That is normal. But with my grief, I am sooooooooo thankful to know he is no longer suffering and finally able to do all that he could not do in this life.

I watched my Dad die of cancer, and he never knew I was there. Nurse would not let me come sick, and finally I went regardless and only had a few hours each day with him, which by then he was so sick he did not know I was there... Broke my heart, but I know that he now knows my heart and I know he is out of pain and is whole and better than he has ever been before...

[pushka]

Thank you too Josie. You know, even though I battle with the side of me that says god, jesus and the afterlife are all to be doubted, it is when I think of loved ones that have passed on, that I begin to doubt my doubt!

Sometimes I think to myself, as if I'm in conversation with my passed loved ones and close friends that have died too, in the hopes that they are there and can read my thoughts.

I do not fear death either, and yes I agree that my sister in law was better for keeping hopeful, I think she knew exactly what was coming, she even wrote a card and letter for her daughter, who was then 16, for her 18th Birthday, which was very, very touching. I do believe that she was being brave for the rest of her family, and for us...I just wish that I could remove this great big guilt cloud that overshadows me whenever I recall that time in my life.

[Lindy]

I got goosebumps just reading this thread...it is just so peaceful and filled with love...REAL love...you can feel it.

So many wonderful things that you do for others just to make their day a little brighter....just want to hug all of ya.

[Lindy]

Originally posted by pushka@Nov 21 2005, 04:59 PM

I'm sorry to bring this negative note to this thread, which is so uplifting.  I still find it really hard to come to terms with my sister in law's death and cry whenever I think too hard about her or about cancer victims and their families.

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Pushka~ I am sorry about your heart and how it hurts.

I want to say something about faith and trust....but I know it's hard when you don't have that to fall back on. I do, I believe in all my heart, mind and soul that those who pass on will be in a place where they are at peace.

It's hard for the family left behind, but if you trust in something mighter than the power of death....it doesn't hurt as bad. Because than you would know that death isn't the final stage.

I love you gal, find some peace within yourself, and you will find coping a lot easier as time goes by.

[StrawberryFields]

Originally posted by pushka@Nov 21 2005, 11:13 PM

 

Thank you too Josie.  You know, even though I battle with the side of me that says god, jesus and the afterlife are all to be doubted, it is when I think of loved ones that have passed on, that I begin to doubt my doubt! 

 

Sometimes I think to myself, as if I'm in conversation with my passed loved ones and close friends that have died too, in the hopes that they are there and can read my thoughts. 

 

I do not fear death either, and yes I agree that my sister in law was better for keeping hopeful, I think she knew exactly what was coming, she even wrote a card and letter for her daughter, who was then 16, for her 18th Birthday, which was very, very touching.  I do believe that she was being brave for the rest of her family, and for us...I just wish that I could remove this great big guilt cloud that overshadows me whenever I recall that time in my life. 

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Pushka,

You are such a caring person.

Talk about conversations with those who have passed on, I do that all the time especially with my mom. I KNOW she is very, very close. Thanks for sharing that your SIL had written a B-day card to her daughter two years early. I think that many times those who are terminally ill know things and some are more accepting of the things they know than others. It sounds to me that your SIL gave her daughter a beautiful gift in writing that card to her.

[StrawberryFields]

Tammy be sure to let us know how it goes when you visit her. I like what ToastefOfen said about the little things being very important. I am not terminally ill and it is still the little things that make a huge impact on me in my life.

[Marsha]

The little things that we do add up. Just a phone call or a note makes a persons day. I called my brother about a month ago (after not being in touch with him for almost 6years) after hearing that he too was battling cancer. We now talk at least weekly, on his "good" days. The outlook is not good but he has lived almost 3 months past the time that the doctors have given him. He may be in denial about his future but he is handling it very well - better than the rest of us I think.

Life is just so short, it truly is the small things that add up. When is the last time you smiled at a stranger, made a difference in someone else's life? For me the hustle and bustle made me a bitter person - until I slowed down and really saw what the world has to offer. I am part of that world and try to make a difference in someone else world each day. I am a better person for that and can really go to sleep at night without wondering if I have hurt someones feelings or made someone feel better.

Marsha

[pushka]

Thank you all for your replies to my post...It really does help me when I receive kind words from you all, and hearing of your beliefs, even though mine are sort of challenged...I blame it on being a Libran...can't make a decision about anything! LOL.

Tammy, you are doing great by your friends who are ill...I'm sure they appreciate your kindness and look forward to hearing from you in a letter, by phone or a visit to them...Good Luck.

[Guest ToasterOfen]

Pushka, don't feel badly because you didn't get over to see you SIL before she passed. Cancer (or any terminal illness) is a hard thing to deal with both for the person dealing with it and the family and friends that love them.

Both of my grandfathers died of lung cancer...so this has been a subject that has already been broached in our family. But I still have a hard time talking about it with my aunt, but I do it because she needs someone to listen to her.

My mom, on the other hand, has a hard time hearing about the death part, she wants my aunt to be optimistic. My mom is in denial...that is her way to cope with it...like I said, this is hard on everyone. My cousin is in such denial that she is going to loose her mom. She doesn't want to accept it, and I don't blame her. My cousin is in her early 20's with 2 small children, and has a rocky marriage. I think she feels that if she just ignores it, it will go away.

The thing that has gotten my aunt through these last 2 bouts with cancer has been that she wants to get her son off on his mission. She fears that if she "leaves" before he gets sent out, he won't go because my uncle is in bad health, too, and her son may feel obligated to stay behind with his dad.

Well, this next Sunday, her baby boy will give his farewell talk. And, then...we'll see how much longer she can hold on. It will be a bitter-sweet moment...they won't know if she'll be here when he gets back.

(Sorry, I'm a bit emotional as well. Thanks for listening to me ramble on.)

But Pushka, if I was in a different place in my life...if my husband's niece hadn't passed away 2 years ago (I said 3 years initially, but it was 2 years ago, shortly before Christmas) and death been so close to us, I may find it a lot harder to talk to her about it, and may find it harder to go visit her. Don't beat yourself up about it...it's okay! Like others have said, she knows you wanted to, and knows that you love her.

If you are having such a difficult time with it, and having a lot of regret, go visit her grave, bring flowers and just talk to her. One of the sisters of the niece who died used to go to the cemetary on her lunch break to sit and talk to her sister after she died. It was very healing for her. You might find it healing as well.

If there is a good thing that comes out of this, it is to treasure the moments we do have with our loved ones who are still with us, to not look back on the past with regret and think of all the "shoulda done's", but to realize we did the best we could with what we had at the time, and look forward to the future. Pushka, the best gift you could give your SIL right now is to remember all the good times you had together, to talk about her with your family and keep her memory alive, because if you do that, she will always be with you.

[pushka]

Toasterofen, thank you very, very much for your kind words.

Lavinia, my sister in law, was also a very close friend and workmate to me. We used to catch the early morning bus to work together and joke about how many more 'getting up earlies' we had coming that week...and cheer at the weekends! We were very, very close for many years. When I moved town and Lavinia worked at a different place from me, we did lose some of that closeness. I didn't get to see her every day as I used to, and only saw her at family get togethers where we both had our kids to sort out and practical stuff, to get in the way of us larking around...she once saved my daughter Rebecca's life, she was 7 months old and had unconfirmed asthma, she started to choke and turn blue whilst I was out of my mum's house, and Lavinia was there with the rest of the family...instead of panicking she just placed her finger inside Becki's mouth and got the gunge out!!! I've never been able to thank her enough for this...she truly was a wonderful person.

You know, after reading the posts last night, I got very emotional again. I cried myself to sleep, thinking not only of Lavinia, but of Becki's grandparents who had passed on in the year before Lavinia did. I think we were all in shock at so many deaths in such a short time. My brother's new girlfriend's son also died in a road traffic accident in that time too, so we were overcome by grief. We never did have any counselling, apart from those directly affected, and maybe we should have. Your idea of visiting Lavinia's and the others' graves and reminiscing on the good times is a wonderful idea, and I will try to make the effort to do so as soon as possible...Thank You.

[Guest ToasterOfen]

Big Hug, Pushka! I can understand how you feel...it is hard. I remember being unsure of what to say to my sis-in-law when her daughter died...but they said they wanted to talk about her all the time, to remember her. Because if they stopped talking about her, it was like she never existed. It made sense, so we try to talk about her all the time, even though it can be painful. The funny stories get us all laughing and crying at the same time.

But you're doing great! Hang in there. If you need a shoulder to cry on, drop me a message. I'll cry with you.

ToasterOfen

[pushka]

Thank you Toasterofen, and everyone else...thanks for this thread, I think I needed to get a lot of that stuff off my chest.