feeling sad and unwanted

[WillowTheWhisp]

Ours, like most others round here is a small ward. There is one family which seems to be most of the ward one way or another. She had 5 children and a step-daughter from a previous marriage before they married and he had 2 children. Since they married they now have another 2. Her mother and stepfather are members as is her first mother-in-law (who she is on good terms with) and her daughter, son-in-law and their children. The husband's father is also a member so all in all they do seem to be a large part of the ward.

I have 2 daughters, one very active and one reluctant to be there, and a non-member husband and that's it for our family.

One of the daughters of the large family is the YSA rep for the Ward. The Sunday before last the Primary leader (we don't have a Primary Presidency as such) had asked her to get the YSA to do sharing time for the following Sunday. She didn't pass anything on to the rest of the YSA about this, didn't even tell them, and then on Sunday simply told my happily active daughter to do the sharing time, at a moment's notice. My daughter was a bit stunned but got on with it. However, she was angry not to have been given any advance notice about it but our Bishop told her not to get mad at the YSA rep and not to upset her.The primary leader was also angry with the YSA rep but said nothing.

Now skip forward to last night which was our Youth night and my daughter who reluctantly attends on Sundays actually enjoys the youth nights. It's the only church thing she actually wants to be involved in. She came home fromschool, got showered and changed and ready to go. My husband was ready to take her to the chapel which is several miles away in another town. They were just about to leave when overhearing my older daughter on the phone I called them back. She'd had a message from one of the older girls in this big family to say that she didn't think anyone else would be at Youth because their family was all at a pop concert at their school. They have 3 daughters in Young Women and also take a friend.

I couldn't get in touch with a youth leader so I sent a message to Bishop asking if Youth was cancelled to save my daughter a wasted journey. He said the Young Men were at the Stake Centre but the Young Women were at the chapel. But by then my older daughter had been informed that all of the young women, leaders included were at the school pop concert which had started an hour earlier! So I sent another message to the Bishop to tell him that, and that no-one had told my daughter, who was rather upset at being left out.

He then phoned me and said I should not be upset at no-one telling my daughter. I said I wasn't just upset at that but also that a youth night could be cancelled at the drop of a hat in favour of a school pop concert and that everything seemed to revolve around this one family. He then became angry with me and said I had no right to acuse him of favouring one family. I said I hadn't actually accused him of anything. But perhaps it was a guilty conscience on his part because several months ago in the chapel he bore his testimony of this family and said what a wonderful family they were and how he loves them all.

My RS Presidency member responsible for Relief Society says I should not have even contacted the Bishp about it as Young Women is nothing to do with him. I had mistakenly thought all of the youth was the Bishop's responsibility. She is now angry with me for upsetting the Bishop.

My younger daughter managed to contact one of the Youth Leaders as they left the pop concert. She did not know that my daughter hadn't been told about it. She thought the family who had changed everyone's plans had told my daughter too. They were going to go to McDonalds after the concert so she came and pickedmy daughter up and took her to that. The crazy thing here is that the family who changed Youth Night to School Concert Night didn't even go to McDonalds afterwards. They just went home. That was at 7:30. Youth normally starts at 7:30. There were 6 other Young Women apart from the 3 in this family and their friend (10 in all) so I don't understand why the other 6 and 2 leaders couldn't jsut have had the planned youth activity at the chapel (which my daughter had been involved in planning) and the 4 who chose to go to the school concert could have gone along later and just missed about 20 minutes or so in the time it would have taken them to get there from the school.

Yet my daughter, the one who was left not knowing the plans had been changed, and my husband who would have taken her on a wasted journey, but for me overhearing a chance conversation between my older daughter and an older daughter of this family, are not supposed to feel let down/hurt/ignored/unwanted or annoyed with anyone over this. In fact we are in the wrong for being upset over it.

Apart fromanything else I didn't think plans were supposed to be changed like that without Bishopric approval.

Everything does seem to revolve around this one family, probably because they make up the bulk of the ward and it seems the 3 of us don't really matter because there's only 3 of us. My husband doesn't count because he isn't a member and doesn't want to be. A few months ago the mother of the family had a verbal go at me and because I was upset by that and told her so her husband and then her mother decided to confront me at Church for upsetting their family! Her sister (not a member) even accosted me in the middle of town accusing me of 'badmouthing' her sister and neice when I was actually talking to another friend about my own daughter!"

It just feels like whatever they do to us they must be allowed to do and we must never allow ourselves to be hurt or upset by it and just let them do what they like.

I just feel like I need a break from this place because I am being suffocated by bending over backwards all the time to appease this one family and so in spite of the fact that I'd agreed to teach a Primary class on Sunday and my older daughter was supposed to be teaching Relief Society we have all decided to go to another Ward at least for one week. My older daughter has been asking for a few weeks now if we can go somewhere else and this is just the end in a long line of things that makes her not want to be in our Ward.

Am I wrong to be feeling this way?

Are we wrongto want to be somewhere else?

Was I wrong to contact the Bishop on the subject? I just thought as Bishop he would know what was going on when we didn't.

Edited March 17, 2010 by WillowTheWhisp

[WmLee]

Willow ~ The Bishop is the father of the Ward. Do parents ever favor or show favor to one kid over the other?? Does one child ever have more privileges or receive preferential treatment?

1st, yes, you are wrong for feeling this way. What a few members do, or don’t do (and sadly this includes the Bishop, RS Pres, all of the Ward) doesn’t change the truthfulness of the gospel. This is the church and the gospel or our Savior. The actions or behavior of a few DOES NOT change that fact. However, how you deal with it needs to reflect your testimony of His church and the covenants you made with your Father in Heaven.

It was the words and actions taken by two Bishops years and years ago that hurt my feeling so much that I stopped attending church. It was after the attitude taken towards my family by a few members as I was growing up that made me feel like this, (the church) wasn’t for me. I stopped trying, stopped attending. Then I made some mistakes, lost track of my direction and did a few things I will regret for the rest of my life.

Years later I woke up and knew I had done something really wrong. Oh, I had heard something inside during my inactive years that told me I was walking the wrong path. But I stayed bitter and angry at those men, and at the people who thought my family wasn’t of the right caliper. And, I kept walking that path.

You can go to another Ward if that is what you feel more comfortable doing. The Bishop of your “home ward” may not like it, but you can. But keep in mind that though the gospel will be just as true in another Ward, you may come across people similar to what you are leaving. If you decide to go to another Ward don’t be surprised if you find some who is rude or inconsiderate towards you or anyone else, (just don’t let yourself be that way).

You weren’t wrong for contacting the Bishop and you’re not wrong for having your feeling hurt my any of this. You’re not wrong for wanting to attend another Ward. You would be wrong if you didn’t discuss this with the Bishop or if you labeled the actions of a few PEOPLE to be anything other than just that.

Remember the Gospel is true; it was restored to us because of the actions of a young man who wanted to know. The actions or inactions of people cannot change what happened in that sacred grove. Before you decide how you want to handle things humble yourself and ask what He would have you do. Invite the Spirit to calm you and help you express what troubles your heart.

[WillowTheWhisp]

You would be wrong if you didn’t discuss this with the Bishop

But I did try to discuss it with the Bishop without even being able to get that far as I was initially just trying to find out what was happening last night and where my daughter should go but was reprimanded by the Bishop for doing just that and then reprimanded by my RS President for even contacting the Bishop.

As this family isn't just 'a few members of the ward' but the majority of the ward it does make attending church there an ordeal for us rather than a spiritual lift. I need to spend some time somewhere, at least for a little while, where I am not being constantly drained. There is a song by Sally deFord called "Fill The Well Within" where it says "I cannot give with empty hands nor love with barren heart." - I can relate to it because I just feel like my well has been drained completely dry.

[Elphaba]

But I did try to discuss it with the Bishop without even being able to get that far as I was initially just trying to find out what was happening last night and where my daughter should go but was reprimanded by the Bishop for doing just that and then reprimanded by my RS President for even contacting the Bishop.

As this family isn't just 'a few members of the ward' but the majority of the ward it does make attending church there an ordeal for us rather than a spiritual lift. I need to spend some time somewhere, at least for a little while, where I am not being constantly drained. There is a song by Sally deFord called "Fill The Well Within" where it says "I cannot give with empty hands nor love with barren heart." - I can relate to it because I just feel like my well has been drained completely dry.

You didn't say anything about questioning the truthfulness of the gospel because of this, and I think it is unfair to tie what sounds to me like very rude behavior to your testimony.

I do think the bishop is just one man and is probably doing the best he can. It sounds like he relies on this family quite a lot, and I suspect he is afraid of changing the status quo, but that's just a hunch.

It is completely inappropriate for this family to have been so inconsiderate of not only your family, but the entire ward, and of course you feel hurt and frustrated. Who wouldn't? I realize they make up a large part of the ward, but they are not the entire ward.

I know you have struggled with things for quite a while now. I don't mean just at church, though I don't know any details. You took a very long break from the board, and were missed. You left a message once that had many of us concerned for you. So I know things have not been easy for you, and I can only imagine this doesn't help.

I don't have any answers. I think being a bishop has got to be one of the most difficult things a person can do. Being responsible for so many people sounds absolutely exhausting to me, and it doesn't surprise me if I hear of one not being as supportive as he should be. Actually, it surprises me I don't hear it more often, which I think speaks well of the Church in general.

There is something that takes over us when we see our children being slighted--we get angry. There'd be something wrong with you if you hadn't gotten upset about that, and I think it was perfecty appropriate to bring it to your bishop. I can't say what he should have done, because I don't know enough about the situation.

But I think your reaction is understandable, and again, it doesn't strike me that your testimony is in danger because of it. So, all I can say is I hear you, and hope you are able to find a way to fill your well.

Elphaba

[Twisted_Fairytales]

Willow, I was in a similar position once where a family dominated the ward. It wasn't as bad as your experience, but they were 'in the club' as it were and I always felt that if they wanted, they had forst dibs and choice over everyone else. And all the youth were cousins and or brothers and sisters so I sometimes felt left out.

Perhaps you could schedule a meeting with your Bishop to explain your feelings to him and how you didnt feel listened to and see what happens after that. Sorry you're hurting. Good luck x

[Nikkie85]

I am sorry you are having to deal with all this. Church should be the one place where you should not have to deal with drama. I would not let these people affect your church attendance. Since the mother tends to be in the "in crowd" I would personally go to her give her your telephone number and ask her to call you if youth night changes since she knows what is going on. It can be very hurtful to be left out and at one time or another everyone will feel left out. I would recommend letting this go with your Bishop and the RS president. I know it might be hard but I wold just try to move forward. I would pray for this family and go what ever you can to show love to them. The best thing you can do for your "enemies" is show love for them. I know all this is going to be hard and I am not underestimating your hurt feelings. I will agree it was very rude and hurtful not to included your daughter especially because she is struggling.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Thank you all for your various comments. It's all irrelevant now though unfortunately.