help with destroyed marriage

[confusedkate]

I really messed up. I cheated on my husband. it has been 3 years and he is stil so very, very angry. We fight quite often. I want so bad to go to the Bishop and get my life back in order. But, I don't feel like I can. this is a very small town. The main problem is that we did things in our marriage before this incident that I would have to confess of also. The problem with that is that he sinned along side me on those things. He is not ready to confess. I try to tell him that I need to go and he says that if I do he will never speek to me again because he will be so humiliated. Our kids would know, our Bishop would know and he could never set foot in the church again. His brother is on the High Council. I feel like I have done enough to degrade him and hurt him and that this would only make things worse. I am so confused about what to do. I know I should have faith that it would all work out but I don't have that kind of faith. I don't know what I expect from this forum. I just need to talk. I have noone to talk about this to.

[Bini]

I am sorry to hear this.

I have not been in your situation but I have been on the receiving end of it and it's very difficult to get past. Sometimes you don't and you move on. And I did. Despite how uncomfortable and ugly things might get, the first step in the right direction would be to see your Bishop.

[JudoMinja]

You know what you need to do. Without confession, without help from the Bishop you won't be able to heal and complete your repentance. If your husband is resistant on this, he is not ready for that healing and may never be. But, sometimes people need a little bit of a push.

You are not doing this to hurt him or humiliate him. You are doing this to help yourself and him recover from a very hurtful mistake.

It may make things worse between you for a time, as he copes with the fact that he is now unable to hide his shame. But, if he allows the Savior's healing power to work in his heart, things will get better. If he doesn't, take whatever actions you need to to continue making yourself a better stronger person, and maybe someday he will see how much happier you have become and want that change for himself.

Facing the confession is (I think) the hardest part of repentance. The anticipation leading up to that point causes you to imagine the worst scenarios possible, scenarios that usually never even happen. Shame is Satan's way of trying to keep you from confessing, letting you think your sin remains hidden. Just remember that no sin is ever truly hidden. The Savior already knows what you have done, he sees all. Confessing to the Bishop is symbolic of coming before Christ with your sins, humbling yourself before him and admitting all you have done only to find he already knew and he still loves you.

You can do this. Be strong. Nothing will change if you do not take this step.

[MsQwerty]

This is a tough situation, but personally I would be wary of taking away your husband's agency by forcing him into a situation with the bishop that he is clearly not ready for. When he's ready, his need for repentance will be stronger than his fear of humiliation, but he's not there yet.

Can you make the decision to go to the bishop and confess your own transgressions, leaving your husband out of it as much as possible?

[Guest Goose]

I may say something controversial here, but it is backed up by some principals.

I'd suggest first you read this talk by elder featherstone, it talks about people who took decades to confess their sin: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Forgive Them, I Pray Thee

So you can actually continue for years, and maybe decades without confessing however you run many risks, one is that satan is nearer and counts you as his during this time, it is easier to tempt you and you carry this guilt that never fades. Also the reality is that you do this 'not confessing' so that your husband wont be angry but it doesn't stop or change the fact that a sin was there and needs to be overcome one way or another.

It is therefore actually easier to get this behind you even if it means an end to the marriage. It may not necessarily mean that as you work to rebuild what was lost but even to start the rebuilding one needs to face reality and the truth, which a confession helps to do. Counselors and psychologists consider this the first step of any treatment.

I was in a similar situation to your husband and we didn't survive but not because of what people say but because she had chosen to put someone else before me and broke all the promises we had between us. We split up before she confessed to anyone including me and then after she confessed we still went our own ways, although we aren't as yet formally divorced. I found it hard to believe her again after she said she was sorry and I simply couldn't trust her anymore , so we now live apart (that continents apart today!)

But your case may be different though, so I wish you all the best.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Dravin
Fixed your link

[ryanh]

You are responsible for yourself Kate, and have to work out your own salvation. Your ex has to work out his own. My personal feelings, while he may not be ready to face issues himself, and is content to live a lie, that does not give him the right to impede your own personal repentence and progress. I don't think you really have any choice if you wish to progress and set your life aright.

One other thought. When are you two going to finally emotionally divorce? It's been 3 years already.

[Just_A_Guy]

It sounds sort of like your husband may be exercising unrighteous dominion.

But be very aware of your own motivations. Do you really believe that the two of you sinned and that it must be confessed? Or are you just resentful that he hasn't forgiven you yet, and on some subconscious level maybe you're looking for a way to strike back?

(No need to answer the questions here; I'm just trying to give you some food for thought. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.)

[Guest Alana]

So, I'm not in your shoes and I'm really good at over simplifying things. BUT, I really think there is a way for you to repent, which would include going to the bishop, without humiliating your husband. Make it all about you. Tell your husband you're not going to say anything about him. Tell your Bishop that you need to talk to him about things you've done but that it's very important that he understands you are there about your actions and that you're not able to answer questions about your husbands actions.

The moment I stepped up and owned up to my own problems and stopped blaming my husband was the moment he stepped up also.

[MisterT]

Sounds like you've had a rough marriage and life; I'm very sorry.

As has been said, you need to repent and confess. If it can be done in a way that prevents injury and embarrasment to your spouse, then by all means do it. If it can't, you'll need to pray for guidance and support.

Confessing is a very hard thing to do; I know.