Serious help needed -

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

This is for both, myself and my wife.

We are pretty busy, however things are taking a toll on myself and my wife.

For one, my wife is suffering depression and it is getting worse. She hates her job, she wants to be home with our now 6.5 month old. Right now, I am the stay at home parent. On top of this, we have not had an official date night where it was just her and I - for almost three years now.

We both love each other, and are committed to each other. We both are just at the end of our rope because whenever we try to find someone to help us watch our 6.5 month old, we get the following response from the Relief Society president "You are expecting too much of the ward."

Because of this, my wife does not feel welcomed in the ward. Her visiting teachers come over and talk about their kids and how they are growing and do not give her messages. We actually had to fight to get her visiting teachers because no one would come visit her for over a year.

Those who know me, know that I had left the church and harbored serious ill feelings against the church because of my records never being updated (which btw, they are and I am on an informal probation).

On top of looking for work (which is hard to do because I can't go to interviews when we have no one available to watch our daughter), and going to school (which I am four weeks behind in my assignments in one class, have two finals coming up quickly, and am constantly keeping the apartment cleaned and watching out for an on the move little girl so she is not getting into anything).

I am starting to feel the pressure myself. I have no one that I associate with because I am home bound all day long and cleaning and have not had any personal time to myself.

I am to the point that I want to go to the stake presidency and talk with them about this, about what was told to my wife and I, and how we are being treated.

We have not gone to church and I am not liking having to go to Church and lie to people when they ask where is my wife.

[Gretchen]

I'd talk to your bishop. He should probably be informed that the members are not being very polite to a family in need of support. If he refuses to help, talk to your stake president. Someone should be willing to help.

[Tonya9]

Yikes! You are going through MAJOR, MAJOR trials. Will pray for you and your famiy. Other than maybe death of a child, this is the worst crisis that could befall people.

If you have insurance, which forgive me if you don't: is your wife on anti-depressents?

Can you guys try to get enough sleep ---8hrs. minimum, more if you can possiby

get it. Are you depressed? You sound real strong, but depression is a physical,

not a mental thing, that equates to your being TOTALLY burned out. Well, I've

been there a couple times in my life. It's HELL, though I can't imagine the stress

and pain you guys must be in. If ya can't do RX anti-depression meds, I'd do

St. John's Wart. I know everybody laught at it, but when I didn't have insurance

and was beset by a cheatin' non-Mormon spouse, it saved my life. Try to take

vitamins too, if ya can afford them which possibly ya can't. And then there is

the old addage about, "eating well." Lots and lots of protein. Your body/brain

are REALLY going through it and having energy crashes is bad, bad.

Somebody told me once, when my Mel Priesthood holding (former) fiance

did domestic violence on me, that this Church is true, but the people aren't/

Your guys nerves are rubbed raw right now with all the tribulations in your

life. You are very noble to be so concerned about your wife and her

welfare. What I did in a situation somewhat like yours was ---write the

bishop and/or the stake president a letter and then have an interview with

them. Just spill your guts and tell them everything. If these men are

living their calings they will show immediate and genuine concern and

a genuine desire to assist you in your dire straights.

Your dear wife will begin to come around eventually. With your great supportive

attitude she's got a real blessing there. If enough people in the church can

show her kindness and understanding, she'll get better faster. You may

have to "drum up" those people or encourage her to seek out compassionate

and caring sisters. (I left the church 20 yrs. ago and just recently re-activated

myself so I can understand WHY people become inactive.)

Considering that lots of LDS families break up in the circumstances you're in,

I can see that you are just a first-class husband and family man.

Hope this helps.

Tonya (Catherine)

[NeuroTypical]

Ahh, fun times. So much of your post reminds me of me and my wife a decade ago.

whenever we try to find someone to help us watch our 6.5 month old, we get the following response from the Relief Society president "You are expecting too much of the ward."

That sentence doesn't make any sense. If you are trying to find a babysitter, what business is it of the RS Pres? Or are you meaning to say something like "We're asking the RS Pres to assign someone who will watch our kids for free so I can go do other things"?

If that's the case, I can understand the RS Pres's response a bit better. And it's pretty much correct - ward members really aren't there to give you free babysitting, any more than you're there to give them free babysitting. Or, to put it differently, what would you say if the RS President came to you and said "Hi brother! I know you are home with your kid most days - will you be willing to take Sister X's kid 3 days a week for a couple of months until she finds a job?"

If you're unable to pay for babysitting while you are looking for work, you might consider asking the Bishop for some financial aid. Go tell him what you're telling us, and I bet he could probably help in some way. You wouldn't be handed money or a babysitter, you'd be given a way to earn what you needed, so you'll have time to look for work.

LM

Edited June 11, 2010 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Guest mormonmusic]

You know what I would do in your shoes? I would sit down with some creativity and figure out how to solve all of these issues by being proactive -- proactive in ways that invoke the BoM truth "that which you send out shall return onto you again, and be restored". Here are some applications of that principle:

1. Get onto LDS.org and run down the Ward list. Who in the Ward has young children, and would appreciate a night out? Call them, and explain you would like to help each other. You will babysit their kids for free if they will babysit your daughter for free some evening. Offer to babysit first. Offer to trade babysitting for some other family so you can also go to a job interview.

If you don't have the Internet and LDS.org, stand outside the clerk's office and ask for a Ward list on Sunday.

If the first person you call doesn't agree to this, then try others. There are a ton of people that would probably agree to this. Don't interpret 'no' from someone as a rejection or further evidence no one is helping you. Keep shaking the bushes.

2. Regarding the visiting teaching. Encourage your wife to ask the RS President to have one visiting teaching family, if she doesn't already have one. Ask for a good, receptive sister who will accept an appointment easily. Trade the waiting for VT to come over to being the way you want, to reaching out to someone else. Prepare a lesson -- in the process, your wife will learn even more than the information she's imparting.

Plus she'll make a friend.

3. Try not to make your happiness in the Church dependent on others. That'll only disapoint you because us devote Mormons are always a Big disappointment, no matter how hard we are trying. That's why we have the atonement, please forgive us. And while you're at it -- Remember the old adage:

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed".

Edited June 11, 2010 by mormonmusic

[bl8tant]

Even if you can't get help from the ward during the day, I bet you could get some help in the evenings from the Young Women. Many girls that age would kill[1] to get to babysit a young infant, and the YWs often need service hours for Personal Progress. That might give you and your wife a chance to spend some time together, even if it's just for a walk in the park, a trip to the library, or some other low-cost date.

[1] OK, not really, but they might slap or pull hair. Scratching's not out of the question.

[Suzie]

I hope I do not sound harsh because that's not the intention but as someone pointed out, the members are not there for the purpose of babysitting. Just like you and your wife are going through some challenges, I assure...I repeat I assure you there are other members in similar situations or WORST than yours who do not have anyone to turn to for help and they try to deal with it in the best of their abilities (I know because I am one of them).

It's not time to be angry with the Church or to be depressed, it's time to get a grip, man up and do the best you can with the resources and time available. If extra helps comes along the way, wonderful! If it doesn't happen...life goes on. Please keep in mind members have their own families, their own challenges and some of them, quite unique and babysitting an infant so that the parents can go on a date is the least of their worries.