Single women and becoming a mother

[mountainsara73]

I am single and 37. All of my friends are mother's and have been for quite some time in some cases. I always thought I would be married and have kids by now. Even my nieces and nephews are having kids now! I'm a nanny so I do enjoy kids and know I have the potential to be a good mother. I also hate the idea of getting attached to someone else's kids for a couple of years and then having to say goodbye. I know a couple of non-LDS women who were in their late 30's and were artificially inseminated because they hadn't found "Mr. Right." Part of me (the hormonally charged part) really wants to be a mother, and part of me (the logical part) knows it's a bad idea for a single woman. I'm wondering if anyone has heard of a single LDS woman becoming a mother either through adoption or artificial insemination?

I know a lot of you are going to say every child needs a father and who would the child be sealed to and so forth but I grew up in a divorced/blended family and really never had a good father figure (my own dad died of alcoholism when I was 14, my parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom remarried in the temple to an abusive man when I was 4) and I'm not sealed to anyone (my family joined the church when I was about 3, soon after my dad left though it had nothing to do with the church.) Anyway I'm just saying the daddy issue will be a hard sell with me since I didn't grow up with a positive male role model. Most of my LDS peers have been married and divorced, in some cases 2-3 times over. I think divorce would be more traumatic than no father in the first place.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experience with this topic?? I would love to be a real mother...not nanny or auntie...but I don't want to make a mockery of God's plan either. I was really Ok with not having kids until just the past few months. Something changed in me for some reason.

[crazypotato]

Well, I can see how you would feel the way you do and my heart goes out to you. It may seem too late for you to marry and have kids, but not yet. Maybe since you haven't had good males in your life that has affected your ability to find a good man to marry? Not that it is your fault.

I don't know any single LDS women who have done artificial insemination or anything like that. I think if you were to pray about it, God would certainly understand how your feel and maybe the Savior can point you in the right direction towards finding a husband or maybe there is a child out that is already born that needs you to adopt them?

[confuzzled]

Not to sure if I'm the best one to reply, as I am 37 married for 11 yrs and unable to concieve. With that being said I honestly don't think artificial insemination should be done just because ones biological clock says its time. Please don't misunderstand me I think there have been and will be numerous women who have and who are fantastic single mothers. I just believe its wrong to do something just because we want it. Just because we can do it doesn't mean we should do it. I also believe that going to our Heavenly Father in prayer is the best way to decide.

Edited July 31, 2010 by confuzzled

[kimiko]

I don't have any experiences with this, but I did read on the LDS Family Services site that you have to be married to adopt. So if you did decide to take that route, I guess you would have to use adoption services outside the church.

[john doe]

I believe the Church would frown on artificial insemination for a single woman. However, depending on circumstances, adoption can be a viable option. I know of a single lady who worked for the Church who adopted her druggie niece's daughter. It's not the ideal LDS preference, but it was better than the available alternatives for the child.

Personally, if you really want a baby, I would suggest going through your state adoption services if possible and take on an unwanted or uncared-for child rather than insisting on having one yourself biologically. There are plenty of adoptable babies out there, and you wouldn't have to go through a pregnancy to get one. Sometimes, depending on circumstances, states also provide a stipend or health insurance for the child as well.

[kimiko]

Could you talk to your bishop about this?

[bizzlebozzle]

I actually do know of several women in the church who have adopted:

1. Served a mission in China, never married, went back in her thirties and adopted three kids. The kids are sealed to her father.

2. In her forties, never married, adopted a child in the US.

3. Husband died before they ever had kids, never remarried, adopted children from China, kids are sealed to her and her deceased husband.

4. In her thirties, a teacher, adopted one of her students.

In all circumstances, I have seen the wards be completely supportive and mostly non-judgmental. Yes, children should have the opportunity to have a father in their lives. On the other hand, in all of these adoptions, the children were taken from potentially damaging and negative circumstances and placed into a stable, well-educated home where the parent truly loves and wants them, and can provide for them monetarily, spiritually, and emotionally. I can't see that that is a bad thing.

[rameumptom]

I agree with John Doe. If you want children, pray about adoption. It may be a wonderful experience for you.

Yes, children need a father where possible. However, there are many children who would be blessed with any good home.

[Guest mirancs8]

There are many foster children in need of someone to love them and lead them in the right path too.

[Cassiopeia]

I believe the Church would frown on artificial insemination for a single woman.

Why? It's a medical procedure. Nothing immoral about it.

I say if you want a child and you don't feel you have an prospects of getting married any time soon and you have the money for the procedures, go for it.

Keep in mind though, being a single mom is very hard. VERY HARD. But you can do it.

[mountainsara73]

Thank you all for your wonderful responses. You've all been much kinder than I expected! I have thought about foster parenting but my house has stairs that are fairly steep and I assume I won't get approved for that reason, though to be fair, I haven't tried either. Thanks again so much for your thoughtful answers. I really wanted an LDS perspective and not just non-LDS thoughts which is what I've been getting. Also I haven't really talked to very many people about this at all; not sure what people would say. (Particularly my family.)

[NeuroTypical]

I know a lot of you are going to say every child needs a father and who would the child be sealed to and so forth

...

my own dad died of alcoholism when I was 14

my parents divorced when I was 3

my mom remarried in the temple to an abusive man when I was 4

I didn't grow up with a positive male role model.

Think for a moment - your mom made all those mistakes, and you are now who you are, and thinking maybe life would be better without one of those horrible man things. Your mindset is perfectly understandable, but consider: The choices you make in this regard, will also help shape and form your daughter's outlook on things. What do you want her to think about men? If you want her to have a positive male role model - then get a good husband that will be one for her.

Here's my two cents on the other choice - if you don't give her any good male role models, she has increased chances of picking a life similar to your mother's. You didn't say what sort of upbringing your mother had - what was her father like?

LM

[pam]

From the Church handbook of instructions:

Artificial insemination of single sisters is not approved. Single sisters who deliberately refuse to follow the counsel of their Church leaders in this matter are subject to Church discipline.

[john doe]

Why? It's a medical procedure. Nothing immoral about it.

I say if you want a child and you don't feel you have an prospects of getting married any time soon and you have the money for the procedures, go for it.

Keep in mind though, being a single mom is very hard. VERY HARD. But you can do it.

I believe it has something to do with the idea of deliberately choosing to bring a child into the world without a father being present. A single woman adopting or rescuing a child who is already born is a much different proposition than purposely flaunting God's ordained family unit of both a father and a mother.

Personally, I think that when a single woman chooses artificial insemination rather than adoption, she usually does so more out of vanity rather than out of a sense of wanting to help a disadvantaged child who needs a loving parent. One is charity, based in love, the other is vanity, based in selfishness. But that's just my opinion.

[crazypotato]

I believe it has something to do with the idea of deliberately choosing to bring a child into the world without a father being present. A single woman adopting or rescuing a child who is already born is a much different proposition than purposely flaunting God's ordained family unit of both a father and a mother.

Personally, I think that when a single woman chooses artificial insemination rather than adoption, she usually does so more out of vanity rather than out of a sense of wanting to help a disadvantaged child who needs a loving parent. One is charity, based in love, the other is vanity, based in selfishness. But that's just my opinion.

I think it may be more difficult for a man to understand the maternal urge that women have, and the ache in our hearts when we are unable to be a mother. Men want kids too, I know, but men don't understand the desire to be pregnant, give birth to, and nurse a baby. I am not saying I disagree with you about artificial insemination being wrong - I do, but the maternal drive in women is a multi-faceted instinct and drive.

[john doe]

I think it may be more difficult for a man to understand the maternal urge that women have, and the ache in our hearts when we are unable to be a mother. Men want kids too, I know, but men don't understand the desire to be pregnant, give birth to, and nurse a baby. I am not saying I disagree with you about artificial insemination being wrong - I do, but the maternal drive in women is a multi-faceted instinct and drive.

Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, guys have other problems that can be just as difficult for them to deal with as women do. And while those problems may be different, they deal with the powers of procreation too, which need to be used properly and in God's appointed ways.

[crazypotato]

Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, guys have other problems that can be just as difficult for them to deal with as women do. And while those problems may be different, they deal with the powers of procreation too, which need to be used properly and in God's appointed ways.

Sure. I am not saying that women have it tougher than men, we just have different issues from each other sometimes. I don't have the same biological male stuff to fully understand a man's issues and drives with regards to their sexuality.

[Cassiopeia]

I believe it has something to do with the idea of deliberately choosing to bring a child into the world without a father being present. A single woman adopting or rescuing a child who is already born is a much different proposition than purposely flaunting God's ordained family unit of both a father and a mother.

Personally, I think that when a single woman chooses artificial insemination rather than adoption, she usually does so more out of vanity rather than out of a sense of wanting to help a disadvantaged child who needs a loving parent. One is charity, based in love, the other is vanity, based in selfishness. But that's just my opinion.

A woman who resorts to artificial insemination is vain?? Seriously, a vain woman wouldn't have a child. I PROMISE YOU. She would rather not ruin her figure.

I think it's completely reasonable for a woman who can't find a husband to marry to want to have a child born out of her own womb.

I don't know if you realize this but it is completely heartbreaking to not find someone to be your eternal companion with. I don't know a single LDS woman who wouldn't rather have a husband. I've never met a woman from any walk of life that didn't want a man to have and to hold. So I think your opinion is based on something which you are completely misjudging and being unreasonable and harsh about.

[Dravin]

Seriously, a vain woman wouldn't have a child. I PROMISE YOU. She would rather not ruin her figure.

Vanity can be more than simply looking good physically. The woman (or man) with a PhD who insists that the person behind the counter at the Coffee House knows and refers to her as Doctor is vain but it has nothing to do with her physical appearance.

Note: My comment is directly addressing the concept that vanity is limited to concern over physical appearance I am not saying a single woman who has a child through artificial insemination is or is not vain.

[Cassiopeia]

Vanity can be more than simply looking good physically. The woman (or man) with a PhD who insists that the person behind the counter at the Coffee House knows and refers to her as Doctor is vain but it has nothing to do with her physical appearance.

Note: My comment is directly addressing the concept that vanity is limited to concern over physical appearance I am not saying a single woman who has a child through artificial insemination is or is not vain.

Oh I agree with you Dravin, but in the context of the discussion, having a baby and vanity are directly correlated to the physical appearance.

Nothing is the same after conception and childbirth. Nothing. So in this instance I argue that if she were vain, she'd rather not get pregnant.

[Dravin]

Oh I agree with you Dravin, but in the context of the discussion, having a baby and vanity are directly correlated to the physical appearance.

Actually I'm fairly sure that is not how John is using the word vain, and in general there are plenty of vain people whose vanity is not tied up into their physical appearance but in other aspects of themselves. So saying, "They can't be vain if they want their own child, it'll ruin her figure!" is kinda flat as a rebuttal.

Edited August 1, 2010 by Dravin

[Cassiopeia]

Actually I'm fairly sure that is not how John is using the word vain.

huh. I didn't get that at all. :)

[pam]

I just read through this thread again and nowhere did I see John Doe relate this to physical appearance. I took it more about flaunting ones own abilities despite what the Church leaders say on the subject. Vanity doesn't always refer to physical appearance.

Edited August 1, 2010 by pam

[Dravin]

huh. I didn't get that at all. :)

Which is fine as far as it goes but it leaves you contending that the Archbishop of Canterbury isn't the Monkey of All England and that it's silly to call him such. :)

Edited August 1, 2010 by Dravin

[Cassiopeia]

I just read through this thread again and nowhere did I see John Doe relate this to physical appearance. I took it more about flaunting ones own abilities despite what the Church leaders say on the subject. Vanity doesn't always refer to physical appearance.

If someone is flaunting their own abilities and going against the church leaders, I'd say that's disobedience not vanity.

Which is fine as far as it goes but it leaves you contending that the Archbishop of Canterbury isn't the Monkey of All England and that it's silly to call him such. :)

I so confused! Edited August 1, 2010 by pam