I'm married because... I'm divorced because...

[rameumptom]

Hiddentreasures and everyone else,

Here is what God HAS released to the world through his living prophets and apostles:

Elder Oaks, Apr 2007 General Conference:

Divorce

Key things he notes:

The weakening of the concept that marriages are permanent and precious has far-reaching consequences. Influenced by their own parents’ divorce or by popular notions that marriage is a ball and chain that prevents personal fulfillment, some young people shun marriage. Many who marry withhold full commitment, poised to flee at the first serious challenge. UAdd a Note

In contrast, modern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage “as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where children are made to suffer.

....

The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce. In the temples of the Lord, couples are married for all eternity. But some marriages do not progress toward that ideal. Because “of the hardness of [our] hearts,” the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. Unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members.

There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. UAdd a Note

When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it. I saw examples of this in the Philippines. Two days after their temple marriage, a husband deserted his young wife and has not been heard from for over 10 years. A married woman fled and obtained a divorce in another country, but her husband, who remained behind, is still married in the eyes of the Philippine law. Since there is no provision for divorce in that country, these innocent victims of desertion have no way to end their married status and go forward with their lives. UAdd a Note

We know that some look back on their divorces with regret at their own partial or predominant fault in the breakup. All who have been through divorce know the pain and need the healing power and hope that come from the Atonement. That healing power and that hope are there for them and also for their children.

Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. UAdd a Note

I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness.

I recommend all of it as an excellent resource. Bert10 IS correct when stating that to save a marriage requires true Christ-like love. I do not believe in the term "unconditional love", but rather in "infinite love" which is Christ-like love. Unconditional would mean that if my wife ran off with the circus, I would still be married/bound to her a decade later. There must be some conditions for true love to remain. But it can be infinite.

[Guest]

Hiddentreasures and everyone else,

Here is what God HAS released to the world through his living prophets and apostles:

Elder Oaks, Apr 2007 General Conference:

Divorce

Key things he notes:

I recommend all of it as an excellent resource. Bert10 IS correct when stating that to save a marriage requires true Christ-like love. I do not believe in the term "unconditional love", but rather in "infinite love" which is Christ-like love. Unconditional would mean that if my wife ran off with the circus, I would still be married/bound to her a decade later. There must be some conditions for true love to remain. But it can be infinite.

If my husband exchanged me for a pair of 20's I would still love him. Yes, it's unconditional. But that doesn't mean that we remain married unfortunately. But yes, i would still love him. And no, I wouldn't marry another.

[sweetiepie]

I never responded to the original post, so I would like to.

I married because I was 19, in college, had no members to date, and wanted desperately to find my husband before I made any mistakes. I prayed every night on my knees for HF to be with my future husband wherever he was and whatever he was doing, so he could find me.

I didn't know at the time, but my future husband had fallen away from the church and was in an inappropriate relationship. He had even not gone on a mission because of his choices. He had a decision to make: to take the relationship to the next step, which did not include the church, or break up and change the direction of his life. He didn't understand why, but he suddenly felt very strongly to break up with her and move away. He and his twin brother decided to move several states away for work and moved into my ward.

So when I walked into church that day with my twin sister, and saw the two cute single twin brothers, it hit me like lightning. I immediately knew which one was the one, I didn't even look at his brother. So a little pursuading for my sis to agree on a double date, from the moment he held my hand on that date, I knew. Later when I found out about his past, and he told me he had repented and was so scared that he hurt his future wife (hopefully me), I forgave him.

He married me in the St Louis Temple 13 years ago, and I know my HF gave him to me, because even though life has been hard, and we aren't perfect, he loves me unconditionally. (it even says he would love his wife "unconditionally" in his patriarchal blessing).

Thanks for letting me share!!

[sherman79]

I think this topic has strayed a little from it's intent. I think that getting bent out of shape over a post that was posted without the content or intent of this particular thread is just going to lead to contention so I propose we just get on with posting cuz I would really hate to see this thread locked by a moderator cuz we all started fighting over someone elses personal discoveries. I really appreciate the learning and opinions of most of the posters on here they have helped me to see that this is not something that I am dealing with on my own.

I also appreciate that most everyone on here has been so unconditionally non-judgmental. I am glad that so far we have been able to share our experiences and, through love, learn from each other.

[bert10]

Absolutist you are right...do not be deceived there is only light and darkness...if a thing is not of the Spirit of God,,,then it is of the darkness. It is not hard.

And also it does not really matter if you believe the post or not. As for the church leaders there are things that they know and cannot teach because of the office that they hold. The teachings that they are allowed to give have to be for the majority.

I have no such restrictions applied to myself.

bert10

I read your nebulous phoey-filled writings, and then compare it to what modern day prophets and apostles (Oaks' talk on divorce foremost comes to mind), and I for one choose to reject the majority of your hard-line pontifications and follow the brethren.

It is evident from your writings that you have failed to fully find the unconditional love you speak of, and continue to view others in an absolutist manner. You may not come right out and say it, but clearly you are judgmental and conditional in your acceptance. I'm glad God gave you some direction how to remove that from you marriage, as it is toxic to interpersonal interactions.

[seeking_peace]

I think this topic has strayed a little from it's intent.... I really appreciate the learning and opinions of most of the posters on here they have helped me to see that this is not something that I am dealing with on my own.

I also appreciate that most everyone on here has been so unconditionally non-judgmental. I am glad that so far we have been able to share our experiences and, through love, learn from each other.

I’ll admit, my post was “off topic,” so I will answer the original question. What could I have known before that may have saved my married, or, “I’m divorced because…”

I’m divorced because I didn’t realize that, “I used to have a problem with masturbation” really meant, “I’m a pornography addict.” I didn’t know to question the past tense used. I didn’t understand that a pornography addiction would be a life long struggle. I didn’t research the implications that it would have on my self esteem and my ability to be open to my husband.

I’m divorced because I didn’t understand the darkness that could envelop a household when a member suffers from depression. Again, I didn’t realize that in protecting myself from the all encompassing gloom, I would be making my husband feel unloved.

I’m divorced because I didn’t want to be a nagging wife. I didn’t require my husband to step up and help around the house, the yard, and with our child. I wanted to keep the peace and so I would do things myself. I didn’t understand that in not requiring anything of him, he would feel useless and unimportant.

I’m divorced because I trusted that when he contacted an old high school friend online that the friendship would remain appropriate. I didn’t “check up” on his correspondence until it was too late

[Mahone]

Not having been married yet, I can't talk about myself, but my parents are divorced.

From my mums perspective: my dad was lazy and repeatedly made the same mistakes over and over, no matter how many times she tried to explain the issues. He seemed to listen, but then ignore her and do whatever he wanted anyway. He wasn't a good father, and would never take much of a role in bringing up his own children. He never seemed to express any signs he loved any of his family. As children, if we ever had a problem, we'd always go to our mother as we knew my dad either couldn't or wouldn't be of any help regardless.

From my perspective: yes, all the above is true. That said, I saw things which my mum still will not accept and it's something of a contention between us whenever the subject comes up. My mum paid too much attention to what her mum (my grandmother) told her, and the two of them would regularly belittle and almost bully my dad, often behind his back and in front of us. They put him down so much, it's not entirely surprising that he didn't listen to what they told him, even if they were right - he was made to feel like an idiot too often and his self esteem was practically nil.

My mum and dad worked in the same family business (run by my grandmother) for many years. That meant the trio were around each other all day, as well as my mum and dad being together at home at night. I think this is what ended up spelling disaster for the relationship. Not to mention my grandmother, as much as I love her, would be (and is) a MIL from the furthest place from heaven :)

Edited December 12, 2010 by Mahone

[Elphaba]

The divorce rate is virtually identical to the Christian rate [not including temple here]. . . .

Why do you exclude temple marriages?

Elphaba

[IAmTheWork]

In the hope that I understand what hordak was originally asking, I'll offer my thoughts regarding my one church/temple marriage.

I was once married because it seemed there was only the choice of a mission or marriage after being baptised at the age of nineteen. Like my wife, I didn't want to go on a mission, and all our close friends in church were getting married too, so we followed suit.

We divorced because she was selfish, and because I was selfish. President Hinckley got that one right. The issues didn't all appear to be about selfishness, but looking back I can see that I always knew she was (and she later admitted being so) and I can see how much I was too - but only years later, of course.

I'm sure I've read a thousand things church leaders have said about choosing a partner being the most important decision you'll ever make. Life is about find the balance and peace in all things, yes? Learning how to find the balance between looking after yourself and your own needs, while accommodating those of your partner, without either of you being too dependent or too controlling, is a delicate and often difficult thing. Best done with the constant help of a higher power!

[IAmTheWork]

... a MIL from the furthest place from heaven.

What's a MIL?

[ankikall]

I´m divorcing because I married a newly convert. I didn´t see the warningsigns of someone who couldn´t stop bad habbits, such as using tobacco and drinking alcohol. Thus teaching the older children by example, that what he preached is not how he lived. Also preventing us to go to the temple.

Please take your time to see the developements in a converts life, when things are going back to normal, before you take a descion to marry

Very sad...

[slamjet]

We married because we were madly in love with each other.

We divorced because I was an immature idiot.

We're still best friend because I took responsibility, admitted to my wrongs, took and dealt with the consequences and am doing something about my boatload of shortcomings.